Logic Is Hard

Your Argument Is Invalid

2012-01-27T08:30:00.000-06:00

Sometimes P-Ziddy gets some odd whims. He sent me this pic, along with a caption.

"Optimus Prime is holding a Devil Ducky. Your argument is invalid."

There's just not much to say in response to unsolicited ducky. Except, perhaps, that "Unsolicited Ducky" might make a good name for a rock n' roll band.

Then...

P-Ziddy explained, "I added Godzilla to the mix. Godzilla makes everything awesomer."

It's really hard to argue with logic like that.

Tricky Foot

2012-01-25T08:30:00.000-06:00

I got an email newsletter from my chiropractor. 7 minutes later, I was at his office, breathless.

Hulk Adjust L3 Vertebrae!

"It says you work on feet, also?!?"

See, my tricky foot has never really healed and has been getting worse. Time for a second opinion, sort of thing. He X-ray'd it and looked it over. "This bone is turned in, but it should be straight," he explained. "This one is pushed up instead of down, this one is left when it should be right." Then, he got to the best part.

"I can fix all of this."

He had me lay down on his little torture table. "Grab on with both hands," he instructed. "I'll be pulling pretty hard."

Then he grabbed my foot. "I'll adjust this bone first," he said while poking a seemingly random spot. Then, he grunted and yanked my foot back like he was trying to start a stubborn lawn mower. If I hadn't been holding on to the table, he would have thrown me into the wall. My foot nearly came off.

I said, "Ow." He said, "Ah, that's good."

Aw yeah.

He poked another random spot on my foot. "Now I'll adjust this one. Hold on!" I grabbed the table again. YANK, and again my foot nearly came off. "Ow," I said. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow! Ow." "Ah, that's good."

We did this 4 times.

Just like when he fixed my back, this will unfortunately take time. Three times a week for at least a couple of weeks, probably a month. If I still have a foot by then, I hope it feels better. Something tells me a peg-leg may be in my future.

Wrong Number

2012-01-23T08:30:00.000-06:00

This is the start of something good

There's just something hysterical about persistent wrong numbers. My phone rang:

"Hello?"
"Is Charles there?"
"No, you have a wrong number."

That should have been the end of it, no big deal. Instead, a few minutes later my phone rang again.

"Hello?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I have a wrong number."
"Yes. And if you dial the same number again, you'll have a wrong number... again."

At this point, I was actually hoping to get another call. My misguided stalker did not disappoint.

Pants! Who needs them?

"Hello?"
"Are you sure this isn't Charles?"
"Well, I left my birth certificate at home, so I guess there *could* be some mistake."

The calls stopped. It's too bad, I had one more good reply ready.

"I've never been Charles before, but I'm willing to give it a try."

Oh well. Next time.

One Of My Christmas Presents

2012-01-20T08:30:00.002-06:00

So, I ran out of stories this week, thought I'd share a pic of one of my Christmas presents this past year.

Yeah. Hurtful. A "power" screwdriver (how much power can it have with just two double-A's behind it?), and two packages of band-aids. For the anticipated injuries.

*sigh*

I'm already about half-way through the second box, too.

Squeaky Chair

2012-01-18T08:30:00.000-06:00

[SCCCRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAACCHH]

My office chair became noisy one day. I leaned back and [SCCCRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAACCHH]. It was odd, because there was never a period that the chair made "little" squeakies. One day it was perfectly normal, and the next day my hinder-holder was squealing so loud that I couldn't hear the freight elevator.

So, I did the only thing I could. I called upon the talents of The Genius.

The Genius came to my office to see what he could do. I walked over to the chair. "Check this out," I said. I sat. I rocked back n' forth. The chair was silent.

"That's a good trick," The Genius nodded. He was grinning like a hyena. The Genius knows good theater when he sees it. "I hear chairs squeak like that all the time."

We agreed to hold off on doing anything until the chair acted up again. As he left the office, The Genius was chuckling. About an hour later, [SCCCRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAACCHH]. "Sounds like one of the howling demons from the freight elevator is hurt!", somebody quipped. I sighed.

A few days later, The Genius came through on his way to the freight elevator. "How's that chair?", he asked. "Loud," I replied. "See?"

I rocked back n' forth. The chair was silent. "I think I may change your blog nickname to 'WD-40'," I told him. "Whatever works for you," The Genius replied.

The Genius got into the nearby freight elevator, and I kid you not, as he started to lower the door my chair said [SCCCRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAACCHH]. "Hey!" I jumped up, waved my arms. "Come back over here!"

The Genius came back over. "It just did it again!" I sat down. Silence.

I think The Genius has a new nickname for me, too.

I'm now considering a different approach. I'm going to bring in some sawdust and metal shavings to try and make it louder.

Let It Snow

2012-01-16T08:30:00.000-06:00

Last week we had our first snow chances of 2012. It was expected to be a very puny amount.

This didn't stop the rampant speculation and dreamy-eye'd wishful thinking, of course. "We're supposed to get a half an inch at most." "Maybe they're wrong... maybe it'll cover the whole ground!"

OoRah expressed doubt. "We'll probably just get a thin layer of ice."

I countered him. "I'm hoping for at least 8 inches, and a Yeti."

There was a brief stunned pause. Then OoRah slowly replied, "I think those are both unlikely."

I pressed on, undeterred. "Is it Yeti hunting season?"

OoRah gave this serious consideration. "Probably," he agreed. "Yeti are not specifically regulated by the Oklahoma Wildlife Department, so they'd fall under the heading of 'nuisance animals'. You know, like coyotes. Or neighbors."

I grinned. "Suddenly I have big plans tonight."

OoRah walked away. "Good luck with that."

C'mon, Yeti! Come at me!

Toilet Training

2012-01-13T08:30:00.000-06:00

Our toilet at home needed its innards replaced. My wife bought a "Dual Flush" Flapper-less toilet kit and wished me luck.

I'd never changed out toilet innards before. This should be fun.

Of course, since I was about to start a project, Scruffy called.

The last time Scruffy came over to help, he wound up busting both knees and face-planting on the hood of my car. I was a little concerned about his safety. When he showed up I told him, "If you promise to step carefully, I'll let you help. Please try not to land on your head this time."

For the most part, things went smoothly. I did manage to dribble dingy water all over the floor, but half a bottle of Windex got the mess cleaned up before my wife was able to see the black tile and scream.

Scruffy held the instruction manual for me. He had a bad habit of waving the pages around every time I'd ask to see a diagram, but he made up for it by being quick with the paper towels.

The moment of truth came. "Turn on the water."

Turns out, there *is* such a thing as too much water pressure. Inky black water shot halfway up the wall. Scruffy managed to stay dry by cleverly hiding behind me.

"I think we have a problem," I gurgled.

We eventually got the water pressure adjusted, tank re-assembled and walls mopped.

My toilet flushes, and I didn't even have to injure Scruffy to do it.

Yeah, I'm a stud.

Subway Cheese Choice

2012-01-11T08:30:00.000-06:00

I walked into my local Subway last week. The lady who runs that particular store is friendly and occasionally opinionated. She was talking to the guy in line in front of me.

"... and what kind of cheese do you want on do you know what the corporate office just said?!?"

Turns out she recently got a memo from "corporate" (which sounds a lot like a curse word when she says it) saying that they are no longer allowed to ask customers what kind of cheese they want on their sandwiches. It is supposedly poor customer service because they are "forcing the customer to choose."

"Now we're supposed to wait for you to ask us," she grumbled. "I'd like to tell *corporate* a thing or two about how this line works!"

I kept expecting to hear a "PTOOEY!" noise every time she said "corporate", but I'd bet there's already been a memo about spitting on the job.

She eventually wound down and it came to be my turn in line. "What kind of sandwich?," and I told her, and then she grinned and chuckled slightly. "And what kind of cheese would you like on it?"

I faked a frown. "How dare you ask me that."

The store stopped. You could hear a pin drop.

"You're forcing me to choose!"

For a second there I thought I was going to be kicked out. Then the laughter started. Close call!

I'm the comedian of Subway!

Christmas Lights Down

2012-01-09T08:30:00.000-06:00

My buddy Scruffy came over to the house and scratched up my car with his face.

Lemmie 'splain.

I was taking down Christmas lights. Scruffy said he'd be glad to come over. He specifically mentioned, "If nothing else, I can help make sure Jeff doesn't get hurt."

He has so much confidence in me.

So, Scruffy showed up. "Pull those lights out of that hedge," I instructed. I turned my back for a moment.

There was a violent meaty "THUD!THUD!", followed by a squeal and couple of hollow "FUMP! FUMP!" noises. The first set of noises were Scruffy's knees. The last were his head, dribbling like a basketball on the front of my car.

When I turned around he was laying in a crumpled heap with his face pressed up against my car's headlight. Less than a minute into the project and I had managed to critically injure my sworn protector. Nice.

I finished taking down the lights while my wife took Scruffy inside and wrapped his knees in ice.

Scruffy is recovering nicely, thankfully. He's also speaking to me, which makes me think he hit his head hard enough that he doesn't remember.

Which means I can get away with this again next year.

Score!

Crane Kicked

2012-01-06T08:30:00.003-06:00

OoRah looked out the window near my desk. "Hey! The crane is gone!"

(brief aside: There's been a construction crane outside that window for a couple of weeks)

OoRah was obviously in a silly mood. "Where did the crane go?"

I decided OoRah was old enough to know the truth. "Well, I wasn't going to tell you because I knew you'd be upset." I gave a brief pause for dramatic effect. "The crane died."

This caught him off guard, but after a couple of quick blinks he recovered admirably. "How can you tell if a crane dies?"

"Your desk is too far away, but I can hear the screams."

"Over the freight elevator?"

"Barely."

(There was a long, unblinking pause)

"I don't believe you."

The next time he's in a mood for one of these "all grown up" conversations, I'm gonna tell him the truth about Santa Claus.

My Funniest Christmas Present This (Last) Year

2012-01-04T08:30:00.002-06:00

I know, I know. It's a bit late for a Christmas story, but I think this one's worth it.

Christmas at my sister's house was quite fun this year. My niece and nephews are still young enough to go all giddy over their presents, but also old enough to be able to pass out the presents for other people. The air was full of flying wrapping paper, and the occasional thrown present. Chaos! Madness! Noise! It was perfect.

My niece came running up to me with a gift sack. "This one's for you!," and then she was off and running again.

Somebody asked, "Jeff, what did you get there?" Inexplicably, all eyes turned to me. I reached my hand into the gift sack and pulled out the tissue paper. There was nothing in the sack.

"Uh...", I confessed. "It appears to be empty."

I investigated the tissue paper as the laughter started. Nothing in there, either.

"I think I got a sack of nothing."

(Later, we found the gift that was supposed to be in that sack. It had fallen out in all the chaos.)

My niece also gave a memorable gift to my wife. It was a bottle of fancy lotion that had already been opened.

So, "Used Lotion" and "A Sack Of Nothing".

It was wonderful. :)

The Funniest Grandpa Story I Know

2012-01-02T08:30:00.002-06:00

In honor of my grandfather, I'm going to share the funniest story I have about him.

Last summer, my wife and I got to drop in on him un-announced. Grandpa was out in the yard, working on his tomato plants. He had 25-30 plants that he'd recently put in, and was putting up some wire cages around them.

Well, of course he was surprised and happy to see us. "Wow," I told him. "That's a lot of tomato plants!"

"Yeah," he agreed. He pointed at each plant individually. "That one's Alan, and that one's Bob, and Charlie, and Dutch, and Eleanor and Faye and ..."

Now, I've changed the names here because that's what I do in this blog. :) But every name he mentioned was somebody from our family. Siblings, Children, Grand-Children, Cousins ... All names that I know.

I wasn't quite sure what to think. "Really?..."

Grandpa just nodded. "I always name my tomato plants."

I *still* wasn't sure what to think. "Really?..."

Then he looked right at me. "But I never name one after you."

"Why don't you name one after me?", I asked.

"Every time I name a tomato plant after you, it dies."

Gardeners, take note. I just might be the reason your crops are failing.

Happy New Year! 2012

2011-12-30T08:30:00.001-06:00

See you next year!

Jelly

2011-12-28T08:30:00.001-06:00

Big Dawg was late coming into work one morning. His "Gonna be late" email simply said, "Laundry Catastrophe".

Turns out he had forgotten to do laundry the night before. So, he did laundry in the morning. When his nice clean clothes came out of the dryer, he put the full laundry basket in the middle of his living room. Then he dumped his entire breakfast plate into it.

Toast, eggs, and jelly. Apparently there was not even a single drop on the floor. Well done!

Naturally, this could not be ignored. My wife came home the next day with a jar of Jelly. "It's for Big Dawg," she said. She couldn't stop giggling.

I went to work and delivered our little "gift".

I know what you're thinking: That man has impeccable taste in drinking glasses. Oh, and you might also be wondering a bit about the sticky note. Let me zoom in on it...

"Keep away from clean laundry."

Wish him luck. :)

Merry Christmas 2011!

2011-12-23T08:30:00.003-06:00

From P-Ziddy, I present the most wonderful Christmas plus Star Wars picture I've ever seen!

It combines the best Christmas movie ever with Star Wars. I mean, honestly, how could it get any better?

You can click it for a bigger version, if you like.

Merry Christmas!

(Note: I may not be posting on a regular schedule next week. Try not to let it disrupt your lives too much, OK?

Better Watch Out

2011-12-21T08:30:00.003-06:00

Santa is not impressed
Naughty: Jeff
Nice: Carrot Top
Santa found your stash of "the good stuff"

Sung to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." Lyrics by Jeff.

Oh, you'd better watch out
You know you can't hide
Santa can find you morning or night
Santa Claus is judging you all

He's got a big list
And to my surprise
Written under "nice" is only one guy
Santa Claus is judging you all

He TiVo's when you're sleeping
He'll watch that stuff all day
He's got a key to your front door
And he will not go away

Oh, you'd better watch out
You know you can't hide
Santa can find you morning or night
Santa Claus is judging you all!

Sleep lightly, friends. :)

The Wandering Kitchen Sheers

2011-12-19T08:30:00.006-06:00

Last week was our annual Office Chili Potluck, which doubles as a Christmas party. As usual, we had a Dirty Santa gift exchange!

There were lots of fun moments. M16 (a big Oklahoma State fan) got stolen from 4 times and nearly wound up with an OU Snuggie. LadyPatsFan got a "Jolly in the John" Snowman that sings a wonderful little parody of "Up on the Housetop" (Ho ho ho! Who's gotta go?).

Personally, I thought the funniest bits involved the Kitchen Sheers.

Our office Administrative Assistant is a wonderful grandmotherly lady who I'll call "A+". She opened up a package of kitchen sheers. She is, among other things, an amazing cook. She was genuinely happy to have the sheers.

A little while later, DepartmentHead stole the sheers from her.

Behind me, a gent I'll call "Legend" spoke up. "Hey, why does DepartmentHead's phone keep ringing?"

As we all laughed, A+ gave DepartmentHead a mock hurt look and picked another present. As she started to pry open the paper, Legend spoke up again. "Too bad she doesn't have anything to cut open that paper with."

A+'s second package turned out to be some nice little picture frames. Legend chimed in, "Sure would be nice if she had something she could use to trim down her pictures."

Late in the game, Legend's turn came up. He walked over to A+. "If I steal those frames from you, then you can go steal your kitchen sheers back." And that's exactly what they did.

Legend didn't actually want the frames, but he did get a pretty rockin' blog nickname out of the deal.

It's Us vs. The Website

2011-12-16T08:30:00.000-06:00

At work last week, LadyPatsFan killed the website.

Well, not *exactly* killed it. She pushed out a code change that behaved differently on the live website than it did on the test machines. It happens from time to time. It was a small outage, barely noticed, and fairly easy to fix.

The fun part was her reaction. This was the first time she'd managed to clobber the website, so she went into panic mode. None of the rest of us did.

LadyPatsFan: "It's Down It's Down It's Down What Do I Do It's Down It's Down What Do I Do..."

Jeff: (calmly, grinning) "Well, let's take a quick look at [techie details omitted]."

LadyPatsFan: "That Didn't Work And It's Down And That Didn't Work And Now What Do We Do It's Down It's Down..."

Big Dawg: (calmly, grinning) "OK, then all we need to do is [techie details omitted]."

LadyPatsFan: "I Can't Believe It Went Down I'm Never Touching This Again What Just Happened It's Down It's Down..."

While LadyPatsFan struggled to get her breathing under control, Big Dawg and I swapped old war stories.

"Remember that time Farmer came sprinting to my desk because he uploaded the wrong homepage?"

"Yeah... remember when I accidentally assigned my name to all the user accounts on the site?"

"Ha! Good times."

For the rest of the day, every time I walked past LadyPatsFan's desk I said "Hey there, Killer."

Ha! Good times.

A Celebration Of Incompetence

2011-12-14T08:30:00.001-06:00

Some days you just know *know* are going to be a struggle.

I was driving to work one morning, and found myself stuck in a line of slow-moving cars. I hadn't made it to the highway yet, so passing wasn't a realistic option. I could just make out the truck at the front... it was a plumber. I mentally dubbed him "Slow the Plumber", and waited for a break from Low-MPH Purgatory.

At an intersection, I decided to take a detour. It would take me a mile out of my way, but at least then I could cruise at a normal speed. I turned off onto a narrow two-lane road that was blocked by a tree service.

In the distance, I could hear Slow the Plumber laughing.

I finally made it into work. Ever since the Earbud Theft incident, I lock my desk drawers. So, I walked up and tried to take the keys out of my pocket. My hand got stuck.

If I let go of the keys, I could get my hand out. Grab keys = hand stuck. Apparently the story about a monkey with his hand stuck in a coconut is true.

I eventually got the keys out. The pocket turned inside out and there was a slight tearing noise, but I was victorious! Then I tried to take my jacket off, got an arm stuck, and fell over.

I stayed down. Eventually someone found me. "What are you doing down there?" "Trying to break the cycle," I explained.

Dang plumber.

Christmas Tie

2011-12-12T08:30:00.009-06:00

I'm very thankful that I don't have to dress up for my job. Business Casual for the win!

Even so, some days it's fun to wear a tie to work. I can usually freak out at least one person.

"Hey, why are you wearing a tie today?"
"No reason... say, is it 2 o'clock yet?"
"Almost, why?"
"No reason... I'll see you tomorrow! Probably."

I also have some Christmas ties that I rarely get to wear. This December, I decided to wear one every week, just for the fun of it.

I dusted off this little blue beauty (literally... it had dust on it).

Not bad, right? Then I put it on.

I don't remember how I obtained this tie, but it seems I was 6 years old at the time.

It saddens me that I apparently only outgrew it recently. *sigh*

A Coffee-Stained Prize

2011-12-09T08:30:00.001-06:00

A short one for your Friday enjoyment.

I was listening to the radio as I drove home from work one day. The DJ was talking about something and said, "We should make a contest out of this. The next caller who can tell me [whatever] will win a... hm... let's see..."

There was a brief pause as he rummaged around his desk. "What will the prize be? Oh! Here we go. I've got a new CD from... ack... spilled coffee..."

There was another pause.

"OK, so the next caller to do [thus n such] will win a new CD from the band [whatever]! It's got a coffee stain on it but it's OK."

I was tempted to call in, just so I could get a coffee-stained prize. :)

Who Moved My Mug?

2011-12-07T08:30:00.003-06:00

It was one of those "offload, then reload" moments. I dropped off my mug at the water fountain on the way to the bathroom.

When I came back to the water fountain, my mug was gone. I looked around for a minute, and found it over on a nearby counter.

Instantly, I knew who had played this harmless little joke on me. "Ah. Big Dawg moved my mug."

I filled up the mug and then went to see Big Dawg. I poured a little water on his desk. "There you go," I explained. "You deserve this."

Big Dawg's face showed honest bewilderment. "Why?" I began to doubt my assumption.

"You moved my mug, right?" "No..."

I was sunk and I knew it. Big Dawg was honestly as confused as he's ever been. There was a long awkward pause.

"I'll go get a paper towel."

As I wiped up the mess, Big Dawg quizzed me. "What happened?" While I explained the mystery of the mobile mug, OoRah came over to join the conversation. "So who moved your mug?", Big Dawg asked. I saw OoRah grin. "I have a suspect in mind," I said.

OoRah grinned wider. "Did you move my mug?" "Of course!", he happily replied.

OoRah prank'ed me, and I responded by pouring water on Big Dawg's desk.

Just another day in the life.

The Terror Of Tiny Town

2011-12-05T08:30:00.001-06:00

At Thanksgiving this year, one of my uncles asked if I'd ever seen The Terror Of Tiny Town. It's a 1938 B-Movie Western with an all-midget cast.

It was a little like the "are you hungry" conversation in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. ("Are you hungry?" "No." "OK, I'll fix you something to eat.") Before I knew what had happened, my uncle promised to mail me the DVD.

When the movie arrived, I knew I was in for something special. Just look at that cover! "Little Guys" on Shetland ponies? NOW it's a party!

I showed the DVD box to my wife and said, "Well, I guess we ought to watch it." She replied, "I'll be out Saturday morning, *you* can watch it then."

My wife is wise.

Check out this note on the back of the DVD box...

"... routinely cited as one of the strangest movies ever made." This is one of their big selling points. What could go wrong?

It was pretty special. Paper-thin plot! Horrendously bad acting! Forbidden love!

The ponies are the only things in the movie that are downsized for the cast. They are tiny cowboys with big attitudes in an over-sized world. Oh, and there's a lot of singing. It kinda hurts.

Thankfully, the movie is as short as its actors (just over an hour). If you enjoy watching awful B-Movies... well, even then this one will test you. :)

Adventures In Decorating

2011-11-28T08:30:00.005-06:00

It wouldn't surprise me at all to see this on a neighbor's house

I hung up my lights early this year, like I always do. I prefer to hang the lights in late October / early November, because I don't like freezing on the top of a ladder. Heck, one year I actually hung the lights in shorts and a t-shirt.

We tested the lights before putting them up. All worked. We tested the lights after they went up. They all worked.

Weeks passed. Thanksgiving passed. Time to turn on the lights for real! The inflatable Santa rose like the mighty Phoenix. The bulbs glowed. All was well. "We're done with the lights!", I declared.

A half hour later, my wife looked out out window and said a surprising word. She followed that up with, "Some of the lights are out."

Both of these died on me this year

We lost half a string of icicle lights. Right in the middle of a big run of lights around the gutter. Naturally, the section directly above the landscaping, which requires a tall ladder and some interesting acrobatics to get near. Swell.

I got that string of lights replaced. It was cold, but I dared not complain. All of the lights came on. "We're done with the lights!", I declared.

That very night, the lights came on. Santa rose from the ground, and then fell over again a half-hour later.

We fried my Santa.

The new Santa!

So, now we've replaced Santa. I usually put outlet covers on the ends of all the light strings, just as an extra precaution against water and ice (overkill, I know). I took one off and brought it inside.

"We're done with...", my wife began. I cut her off.

"No! Don't say that. We're not done until I put this outlet cover on the end of the last string of lights."

I put the cover in a box. I figure, if we're never actually *done* out there, then nothing else will pop.

Wish me luck.

Happy Thanksgiving, 2011

2011-11-24T08:30:00.000-06:00

Have a good long weekend! :)

Colin And Brad I Love You

2011-11-21T08:30:00.004-06:00

Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood (from Whose Line is it Anyway?) brought their improv comedy show back to Tulsa!

They were here in February of 2007, and I wrote up a review. The show was different this time, because, well, you know... improv.

I won't bother with an exhaustive review this time, because I have to tell you about LadyPatsFan. She and her husband were in the audience and GOT CALLED UP ON STAGE! It was pretty grand. They did a "game show" skit with the guys where they just moved their mouths and Colin / Brad supplied the voices.

LadyPatsFan's character was Penelope, a "Part-time Pilates Instructor and full-time alcoholic." They had her breaking out into song and dancing around in stumbling circles.

Her husband's character was a "Life Cheerleader" - cheering for people who feel down and need a boost. Colin started up a generic "rah! rah! rah!" cheer, which LadyPatsFan's husband illustrated by pumping one arm and otherwise standing perfectly still. He looked like he was pulling the horn on an 18-wheeler.

My duty was clear. I sent email to everybody in my office. On Monday, with any luck, everybody will be calling LadyPatsFan "Penelope." Also, everybody will be cheering with one arm.

Monday should be fun. :)

Taking A Break

2011-11-14T08:30:00.003-06:00

I've decided to take a break from writing for this blog for a little while. I'm gonna take a week off, maybe longer. I'll just kinda wait and see when inspiration hits again.

In the meantime, I may post an occasion forward from my email archive. Like today, for example. :)

--------------------
The truth about MEN

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Threatening

2011-11-11T08:30:00.001-06:00

From the email archive:

-------------------------------------

Alerts to Threats in 2011 Europe
by John Cleese

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the B######s." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

John Cleese
British writer, actor and tall person

Almost A Winner

2011-11-09T08:30:00.004-06:00

OoRah approached me with a glum look on his face. "Bad news."

I had a suspicion about this, so I made a guess. "You didn't win the lottery."

OoRah nodded. "Now I can't buy you a car."

I was touched by his theoretical generosity, and little burned by his glaring failure. "I'll make a note to verbally berate you later. I'm just not feelin' it right now."

OoRah sighed heavily. "I don't understand... it was 245 million. That's exactly how much I feel like I should have won."

I felt a sympathetic tug at my heartstrings. It was glass-half-full time. "Well, on the positive side, you don't have to quit your job."

He nodded. "True. Now I've got a reason to get up in the morning."

And now it was time to tow the company line. "We provide your life with meaning. You're welcome."

I'm not sure he believed me.

Thin Mint Enforcer

2011-11-07T08:30:00.003-06:00

Unholy. Addictive. Come get some.

Last year, around "Girl Scout Cookie" time, Big Dawg bought a case of Thin Mints. Then, because he knows how much self-control he has (none), he set me up as his Thin Mint Enforcer.

I locked the addictive goodies in a desk drawer. My task is to give him one box of cookies per month. In exchange for my services, he gave me one free box of Thin Mints (I bribe easily).

The pattern has always been that on the last day of the month, I hang around until after Big Dawg leaves for the day. Then, I put a box of Thin Mints in a drawer of his desk. When comes into work on the first of the month, he knows to open his desk drawer. The happy dance soon follows.

Able to leap tall paperclips in a single bound!

Last Monday was October 31st, and I shook things up a bit. I snuck a box of cookies into his desk drawer while he was in the bathroom. Then, I sent him an email that simply said, "I put a thing in the place."

Big Dawg returned, sat down, then saw my email.

From over the cube wall I heard him muttering... "Thing in the place... thing in the place... thing in the.... OH! THING IN THE PLACE! WHOO-HOO!"

A thing in the place

The desk drawer slammed shut, and Big Dawg headed off to put his bounty in the break room freezer (cold Thin Mints are the best!). He danced all along the way.

After he left work that day, I took his cookies out of the break room freezer and put them back in his desk drawer.

'cause I gotta be me. :)

Church Signs

2011-11-04T08:30:00.002-05:00

From the email archive... The third one is my personal favorite, although the last one is probably a close second.

Happy Friday! It's a good day. :)

Milestone

2011-11-02T08:30:00.003-05:00

This hunting season, OoRah is growing a beard.

He told me, "I was talking to my wife and oldest daughter... I said, 'If I shoot a doe, I'll shave this down to a goatee. If I shoot a buck, I'll shave it all off. But if [oldest daughter] shoots a deer before I do, I'll shave my head.'"

Oldest Daughter's reply was swift. "No you won't!"

OoRah grinned big at this point in the story. "You know what that means, right?", he asked me. "She's finally at an age where I can embarrass her in public. YES!"

He did a fist pump and everything. When I finally got my laughter under control, I said "This is a glorious time for you. Enjoy it!"

OoRah cackled. "Oh, I plan to."

"It's like your golden years, only without the arthritis."

"Exactly!"

I'm so glad he's not my dad.

Tee Hee, A Key

2011-10-31T08:30:00.001-05:00

Sometimes Big Dawg gets histerically giddy for little or no reason. It's like watching a cartoon character. Usually the words "Heeee! Heee-heeee-heeeee-heeee! Heeee-heee!" are involved.

This... [dramatic pause]... is one of those times.

There was a random office conversation going on. A group of us standing around, talking about Battlestar Galactica (and other such important issues).

Big Dawg pulled his keys out of his pocket, looked down, and laughed. "Heeeee! Heee-heee-heeee-heeeeee!"

In reply, we all looked at him oddly. Still giggling, he held his handfull of keys out to me, indicating that I should look. He pointed at one key in particular.

I looked. "That's a key," I agreed. "Most of the time those aren't funny."

Undeterred, Big Dawg pointed again. "It's hard to see in this light, but there's a little indented pattern on the key that I'd never noticed before. It's like a little key-man flexing..."

Big Dawg quickly gave a little demonstration-flex, just in case I had never seen it done before. Then, "It made me think, is this supposed to be a key to...", he flexed again, "... a strong-box? What's in the strong-box? Money? Secrets? Is that where they keep the really good drugs?"

I kept my voice as deadpan as possible. "No, I get the impression you already found *that* box."

"Heeee! Heee-heee-heeee-heeee!"

I work with a cartoon character, folks. I couldn't be happier. :)

Devil Ducky

2011-10-28T08:30:00.005-05:00

The Golfer came up to me one day with a little card in his hand and a slightly befuddled look on his face. "My boss gave me this," he explained. "He saw it in an advertisement and said it made him think of you."

I managed to contain my squeal of glee, barely. The boss's boss had cut a Devil Duckie out of a magazine for me!

The Golfer continued. "I'm not sure what this says about you... or him, I suppose..."

I took the Duckie and grinned. "All is says about him is that he's paying attention."

I got a Duckie!

Penguins

2011-10-26T08:30:00.005-05:00

Last Friday was the end of the world. Again. I guess. At any rate, that led to this discussion with ICanSpell...

----------------
ICanSpell: Any end of world or rapture type things happening there?

Me: Naw, just some wing'ed demons.

ICanSpell: That was just Big Dawg.

Me: Big Dawg is a flightless wing'ed demon.

ICanSpell: Like a penguin of the underworld?

Me: Absolutely. Also, this is the point where the conversation must be shared with Big Dawg. I think he'll find some joy in the title, "Penguin of the Underworld".
----------------

So, I shared the conversation with Big Dawg, who replied...

"I like sushi. Tuxes are cool. Demons and the underworld are not for me, nor do they represent me. Angelic Penguin of Happiness is much more appropriate."

Naturally, his cubical nameplate was altered. Instead of "Smarty Pants Programmer", his title now reads "Angelic Penguin of Happiness".

On a related note, it's stunning how many images come up when you do a Google images search for "Evil Penguin". Very few of them are the Batman villain. Amazing.

Code Monkey

2011-10-24T08:30:00.002-05:00

My buddy P-Ziddy sent me a link to this most excellent shirt you can buy over at ThinkGeek.

I was still cackling insanely when Big Dawg walked around the corner. "Lookit!", I pointed.

Big Dawg smiled happily. "That would be a great shirt for all of us to order and wear on the same day."

I agreed. "When people ask, 'What's up the Programmers today?', we could politely explain, 'Ah-Ooh!-ah-oh-ah-oh-ah-ooka!'"

Along with the monkey noises, I flailed my arms wildly and rocked back and forth.

As responses go, I figure it wouldn't *quite* answer the question. However, I think it would put a stop any future questions. In my book, that amounts to pretty much the same thing.

Simple Philosophy

2011-10-21T08:30:00.004-05:00

A simple one for Friday, from the email archive. Slightly PG-ified. :)

My older friends tell me that this graph is stunning in its simplicity and accuracy. I hope you enjoy.

Weed Eater

2011-10-19T08:30:00.005-05:00

I was working on the yard last week and noticed the motor winding down on the weed eater. It's an electric, so this isn't exactly normal.

I pushed on until I smelled smoke. Then I did my best to stomp out the resulting flames. Then I did a little "whoo-hoo hot-foot" dance and fell over on the driveway.

Time for a new weedeater. I went to Lowes and grumbled. The low-end unit they had was the same one that just burned up on me. They were out of stock on the next model up. So, I went for the "Foliage Fiend Vege-Crush 8000". The logo was sub-titled, "It's a good day to maim."

When I took it out of the box, the little dual-lines were already spinning slowly. The machine smelled like menace and dead leaves. I plugged it in. Time for a test run.

Thankfully, I've always wanted a door on that wall.

This weed eater is unbelievable and more than a little scary. It obliterated grass. It threw rocks like bullets. It cut deep into a tree stump, and sliced through fence posts like butter.

On a whim, I pointed it up in the air. The dual-lines acted like helicopter blades, and I started to rise up off the ground. I must have looked like Tim Allen as Mary Poppins.

I'm pretty sure I could jump-start my car with this thing.

I'm afraid to use it again, honestly. Thankfully, I've got some time before that's necessary. The yard will probably take a year or two before it recovers.

Fender Bender

2011-10-17T08:30:00.006-05:00

My friends are weird. Observe:

---------------------------------

Jeff: Boom! There was a fender bender just outside the front door of our office building a second ago.

Crunchy

V: Were there fire trucks?

V: And lights and sirens?

V: And fun things like that?

Jeff: No, it was just a fender bender.

Jeff: Part of a bumper did fall off while they tried to pull over to the side of the road, though.

V: Oh.

V: Well, that's nothing really then.

Jeff: No punches thrown, no screaming.

V: I'm horribly disappointed.

Jeff: It was directly in front of our front door. The security guard basically just stood up and he was there, inspecting the damage.

V: You pumped me up with expectations of blood and gore.

V: That sort of things is bad for my health, you know.

V: The pumping thing, not the blood and gore.

Jeff: What part of "fender bender" did you have trouble with, exactly?

V: If the fender fell off, it is more of a fender broker than a fender bender.

V: You are the king of understatement.

Time to get noisy!

V: What do you expect?

V: I'm used to having to translate things like "I've got a band-aid on my finger" into "I shot myself in the finger with a nail gun while trying to fix my shoelace."

Jeff: "There was a fender bender outside the building here a minute ago. There were no survivors, and the resulting hole in the fabric of the universe is letting in trans-dimensional monsters. It's pretty noisy."

V: Better. Unrealistic, but better.

Extra relish is 25 cents, and that's cuttin' me own throat

V: Next time, try for survivors, but have them screaming as the trans-dimensional monsters eat them.

Jeff: I'll try to make sure there's a hot dog cart nearby, too. For condiments.

V: Yes, because everyone knows that bystander tastes better with relish.

You Did It!

2011-10-14T08:30:00.002-05:00

And now, with no context whatsoever, it's some pictures of me with a yellow miniature traffic cone that says "You did it!" on my head.

Evil Overlord

2011-10-12T08:30:00.004-05:00

Scruffy: My influence at work is growing. I'm being placed in the Workstation Admin group.

Me: Excellent! That means you could take Plants vs. Zombies and push it out to everybody's computer!

Time to get some work done...

Scruffy: Uh... no, we wouldn't do that.

Me: I don't know why you wouldn't. That would be the very first thing I'd do.

Scruffy: Even if we did, that would be a different group.

Me: There should totally be a Plants vs. Zombies distribution group. Everybody should have one.

Scruffy: (stunned silence)

Me: So, anti-virus updates? Windows Updates? That sort of thing?

Scruffy: No, that would be a different group. We won't actually push any software out to anybody.

Me: So... what kind of group are you?

One Beeeeee-lion Windows Updates

Scruffy: We'll be the ones who discuss and plan how everybody's computers should function. What programs and what versions of programs to use, that sort of thing.

Me: So, you're not actually practical in any way?

Scruffy: No.

Me: But you'll be in an "Evil Overlord" sort of role?

Scruffy: (grinning big) Yes.

Me: Oh... oh that's wonderful.

Plus, I think I'd look good in tights

"Scruffy the Evil Overlord". That would look beautiful on a business card. Plus, he can keep Plants vs. Zombies all to himself.

*pout*

I wanna be an Evil Overlord. Dangit.

Brap

2011-10-10T08:30:00.001-05:00

I always have my umbrella with me when I get coffee. Always.

At work there's a coffee vending machine in the break area one floor above my office.

I went to get a cuppa. There were some entirely average normal-looking ladies I didn't know sitting there in the break area. I nodded at them.

In reply, one of them belched so loudly that it knocked me backwards and singed my eyebrows. The others all laughed as if a very impolite joke had just been told. Which, I guess it kinda did.

I relayed the story to OoRah. He told me about a girl he knew in college who could belch louder than anybody he's met before or since.

"I'm not saying there's no female burping talent to be found," I explained. "It was just a bit unexpected."

Plus, now I gotta wait for my eyebrows to grow back.

Weird day.

Useful

2011-10-07T08:30:00.003-05:00

I have a Mr. Potato Head collection at work that includes an "Indiana Jones" guy who plays part of the theme song when you push down on his hat.

OoRah was over at my desk and pushed the hat. The first few bars of the theme song played out.

OoRah frowned. "It shouldn't have stopped that quick."

"You have to push repeatedly to make it play the entire theme," I told him.

OoRah considered it, but then said "I don't want to waste your batteries."

"That's only the third time it's been used since I got him. You're actually protecting me from a battery acid leak at this point."

OoRah grinned. "It's good to be useful."

I am acid-free, thanks to OoRah!

How's It Goin'?

2011-10-05T08:30:00.004-05:00

Big Dawg and I walked past East Coast. East Coast said, "Hey Jeff... how's it goin'?"

"Fine, how about you?"

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

"Oh, I'm good."

Big Dawg pointed accusingly at East Coast. "You're lying! You're having a terrible day!"

East Coast grinned and laughed. "You saw through me."

As we walked away, Big Dawg cackled. "That was FUN!", he rejoiced. "I've never told anyone they're having a bad day before! I *liked* that!"

I've never seen Big Dawg grin bigger. He was wobbling side to side with glee. "Wow! There *is* evil in my soul!"

This is the happiest DAY OF MY LIFE!

I've never heard anyone prounce something so dire with so much joy. He was bouncing, he was having so much fun. He never stopped giggling, and the edges of his smile were touching his ears.

"I'm gonna go tell SpanFan that she's having a bad day!"

He bounded off to blissfully spread despair.

From the moment of "You're lying!", all the way to his glorious exit, I never said a word. I'm pretty sure I never blinked, either.

I was stunned. OK, *and* more than a little annoyed that I didn't think of it first.

Splash Panel

2011-10-03T08:30:00.005-05:00

They also help protect my modesty

One of the Splash Panels under my car came loose. Those things are partly to keep road debris from jumping up into your engine, and partly for aerodynamics. At least, I think that's what it's for. In any case, I'm pretty sure they shouldn't drag the ground at highway speeds.

I went to a generic mechanic. "Sure, we can fix that," he said. "Oh, no, wait, actually we can't." It seems the panel doesn't simply attach with a bolt and screw. The bit of the car frame where it attaches is hollow, so it's some sort of fancy "snap fastener". "That particular part has to come from a dealership," he said.

Fancy!

I went to a nearby dealership. "Sure, we have those in stock," the guy said. I asked "How much?", and he waved a hand dismissively. "We usually don't even charge for something so simple." I said that was great, and then he casually mentioned, "It'll be about two and half hours."

"What?!?" "Well," he explained, "We get a lot of cars in here on Saturday, and I only have two mechanics. I have eight during the week."

"So," I said. "You deliberately schedule fewer mechanics on the day you know you'll have the most business?" He looked at me like I was crazy. "Don't judge me!" Then he stomped off.

As good as new?

So I got some Zip-Ties. How hard can it be?

Turns out, not too bad. However, the same things that make bolts and screws impossible make zip ties difficult. I wound up drilling a couple of holes in the thick plastic panel so I'd be able to attach the zip ties.

Nearby, my neighbor was having a garage sale. "How much are these books?" "How much for the pool table?" "What's with the moron next door, power drilling under the front of his car?"

My neighbor glanced over our way. "We don't talk about him."

I grinned. I'm famous!

Wild Wild West

2011-09-30T08:30:00.004-05:00

It is very difficult to find "chaps" pictures that wouldn't work as the punchline of a Brokeback Mountain joke.

Cowboy mentioned that he's having a party at his place. He does this annually, and calls it his "Fall-Fest". In years past he's had an "80's" theme, a "Bad Sweater" theme, and a "Funny T-Shirt" theme. The theme this year is "Wild Wild West."

I told him, "I can't do that. See, I have a pair of chaps, but nothing I can wear under them."

Web Ninja was nearby, and his reaction was pure gold. A full-body shudder, an "urp" noise, and loss of color in his face. It was everything an amateur comedian can hope for.

By the way, I do not actually own any chaps. Just in case you were worried.

What I'm Not Good At

2011-09-28T08:30:00.002-05:00

M16 came by my desk to talk to me. I'm pretty sure everything he said was English, but what I heard was:

"I need to talk to you about the Ya-Ya Project. I'll have to change the thing to do this instead of that. Do you see any problem with that?"

I grinned happily and replied, "I have no idea what you're talking about. What is the Ya-Ya Project?"

There was a long awkward pause. Then, more pseudo-English as M16 tried to explain:

I'm still trying to figure out the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow

"Well, OK, it takes the nouns and verbs them, and puts them someplace in space-time. Just like the Foo-Foo Project."

"The what?"

There was an even longer pause.

"I've never heard of the Foo-Foo Project either."

"Do you actually work here?"

"Not on everything."

You probably don't want to do a 'Google Images' search on this topic

M16 recovered admirably and launched into his technical speech again.

"OK, well, what I need to know is, ... "

I interrupted him. "No, I have a better idea. Let's talk about some more things that I've never worked with and don't understand. Hay balers! Differential Equations! Animal Husbandry!"

M16 gave up. "I'll come back later."

I love how the phrase "Animal Husbandry" can derail a perfectly sane conversation. I'm gonna have to use that one more often.

The Can Of Doing

2011-09-26T08:30:00.005-05:00

Remember the ferocious greenery that was destroying the fence in Scruffy's back yard? Well, we yanked that sucker out a couple of weeks ago in preparation for the big ordeal this past weekend. It was time to tear down and rebuild about half of Scruffy's back fence.

Scruffy bought a nailgun for the occasion. In honor of the Home Depot ads, he called it his "Can of Doing."

Before

During

After

Demolition was AWESOME. Do you know how often I get to grab a hammer two-fisted and swing it as hard as I can? Not often enough. Pure joy!

Eventually we got to the first big mistake. We eye-balled the cross beams. "Those look like 6 foot sections, and that one looks like 8 feet." We bought the lumber. Then we measured. Then we went back to the store.

"You again?", said the checkout lady. "Yeah," I replied. "Turns out the guy who said 'Measure twice and cut once' was probably on to something."

She rang up the total. "I'll see you guys again in an hour or so," she happily said. "Oh no, we're good this time."

We drove back to Scruffy's house with lots of 10-foot long 2x4 beams sticking out of the back window of my Vibe. While putting up the cross beams, we ran out of wood screws.

"You again?," said the Home Depot lady. She didn't sound very surprised. "Yes, us again."

There was still a little demolition left at this point, so I grabbed a hammer. I swung hard and a shattered piece of 2x4 bounced off my ankle.

I laid on my back in Scruffy's yard to see if my ankle would swell, and reflected on what a beautiful day it was. I might even have fallen asleep, except that the ringing in my ears was too loud.

Eventually, I recovered enough for us to almost finish. Then we ran out of fence pickets.

"Hi!", the Home Depot lady said as we came back. "Shut up," I wearily responded.

4 trips to the hardware store mid-project, 4 hours longer than we expected the project to take, and 1 moderately traumatic injury later, Scruffy and I decided that we had run into "The Can of Doing us in."

That nailgun is pretty sweet, though.

Free Fries

2011-09-23T08:30:00.004-05:00

You cannot have them

A real short one today, just to show how *fun* it can be to work in Cowboy's department...

Cowboy got a new hire, a nickname-less (so far) lady. He was introducing her around the office and said, "Show your badge down at Arby's and you get free french fries."

There was a brief hopeful slightly-disbelieving moment. "Really?..."

Don't taze me, bro!

Cowboy grinned. "No. Not really."

I prefer Golfer's bit of Badge Wisdom that he shared when I was hired. "Show your badge at the front desk and you won't get tazed." Much more practical.

Licence To Kill

2011-09-21T08:30:00.005-05:00

OoRah got his hunting licence (watch out, Coyotes!).

He happily showed it to me and grinned. "I have a license to kill."

Big Dawg chimed in. "I have a license to resist."

Gah! They can't resist me!

It was my turn. "I have a license to be irresistible." I followed this up with a "check me out" hand wave and a suggestive eyebrow waggle.

There was a long pause. Then, Big Dawg gave up. "I need to purge that from my memory forever."

As he hurried away, OoRah and I could hear retching noises.

But I *am* irresistible, aren't I?

Full Metal Jeff

2011-09-19T08:30:00.001-05:00

I was having a conversation with OoRah, discussing a co-worker who was being a little difficult.

What is my major malfunction?... I have to pick just one?...

Me: "... yeah, he's kinda full of it today."
OoRah: "That's OK. I just need to know what everybody is full of so I know how to treat them. You treat a jelly donut different than a plain one."
[long pause]
Me: "I love you."
OoRah: "I'm sure that was meant in a brotherly way."
Me: "Yeah, sure, close enough."

I shared that conversation with P-Ziddy, which resulted in...

P-Ziddy: ROFL
P-Ziddy: Some day you should watch Full Metal Jacket just so you will realize how fine the knife edge you walk daily really is
Me: I laughed so hard at that, I literally choked. I'm blue-faced... wow.
P-Ziddy: Excellent
P-Ziddy: I had to work my way into that blog post SOME how

P-Ziddy's motivations are a bit transparent, sometimes. :)

In any case, this led to a discussion about the movie "Full Metal Jacket". OoRah told me about the bit where Private Pyle shoots his drill instructor, which led to...

I don't wear a hat this big... but I should

OoRah: ... and that's what P-Ziddy was trying to warn you about.
Me: But I don't wear a hat that big.
OoRah: And I don't have suicidal thoughts.
Me: We're obviously all wrong for each other.
Big Dawg: I think you're lying to yourselves.

Big Dawg *might* be inside my head a little. Darn him.

Horticulture Horror

2011-09-16T08:30:00.001-05:00

Feed me, Seymore!

My pal Scruffy had a large ... well, we'll call it a generic "growth" by his back fence. Like the picture, but uglier. Kind of a cross between ivy and a weed. It was littered with spider webs and bird droppings, so even though it should have been more or less green, it was mostly a white-splashed "ew".

It had consumed part of his fence and was threatening the gas meter. Kinda like "Audrey II" on a wood and plastic diet.

Armed with some loppers, Scruffy and I set out to do battle with the mostly-green beast.

This... is my BOOM STICK!

Have you ever heard the phrase, "When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail?" Well, let's just say it was a good thing I was wearing shoes. I could have sworn those loppers were gas-powered, they did so much damage. Scruffy would start choppin', leaves would start flyin'. It was chaos.

At one point, the green haze in the air turned brown and I started to shout. When I finally got Scruffy's blades of fury under control, he'd managed to gouge out a 2-foot hole in the ground. A terrified mole squeaked at us and dove for cover.

When we were done, we poured the mulched mess into a over-sized trash bag. It was "Shrub Puree". The end result almost looked like a bean-bag chair.

I managed to keep my fingers mostly by virtue of staying out of the way.

Good times.

Dream Analysis: The Oil Change

2011-09-14T08:30:00.001-05:00

Dream Machine

So, I thought I'd share a dream with you.

I dreampt that my dad donated a car for some important event. It was one of those big boxy 1970's sedan-types. It wasn't in great shape, but it would do. "The oil is a quart low," he told me.

I took the car to a hardware store. Suddenly, Cowboy (from work) was in the car with me. "I'll just go get the stuff we'll need," I told him. Cowboy agreed to wait in the car.

I'm a man. These cost $40.

In the hardware store, I was lost. Mike Gundy was there, and helped me find 5 long pieces of metalic ribbon. I have no idea why, but it made perfect sense at the time. I would *need* this.

Anyway, back at the car, Cowboy and I raised the hood. The ribbon already didn't make any sense. "I think I need some gloves," I said. "This could get messy." Once again, Cowboy agreed to wait in the car.

Perfect for oil changes

I found a whole aisle of gloves. Half of them were flimsy 2 dollar garbage, and the other half were at least 50 bucks each. I found one pair that was around 10 bucks. They were too small, shiney, and the fingers were smudged together like mittens. But, they were at my price point, so I bought them.

Anyway, the line was crazy long. Mike Gundy was working the register. By the time I got outside, night had fallen. Cowboy was waiting in the car. He looked grumpy.

We raised the hood again. I had my too-small gloves and my ribbon. Suddenly, a thought hit me. "It's just low on oil, right?" Cowboy nodded. "One quart low."

Hundreds of uses?

"Maybe we should... just... buy some oil?" It sounded just crazy enough to work. I put the gloves and ribbon in my pocket. They may be useless, but I bought them so I'm keeping them, dangit.

Then I woke up.

I don't understand much about Dream Analysis, but I *think* this means today's winning lottery numbers are 40, 13, Mike Gundy, and pi.

I want a cut of whatever you win.

Slapping The Giraffe

2011-09-12T08:30:00.001-05:00

My wife and I went to the zoo with Scruffy. There were a couple of amusing moments. It started near the front gate, where they had a giraffe doing a "Blues Brothers" impersonation.

Cute, right? But that wasn't the highlight... there was a kid in front of that poster, a boy. He was slappin' that giraffe like it had cussed his mamma. "WHAM!" "WHAM!" "WHAM!" He even looked angry. I wish I hadn't missed the pic, because it was hysterical.

Later, in the Rain Forest exhibit, Scruffy pointed out a tray of lettuce on the floor. A rat-squirrel thing (it probably has a more scientific name than "rat-squirrel") was eating from the tray.

A little girl nearby asked, "What's it eating?" "Lettuce." The girl asked, "What are those things in with the lettuce?"

I helpfully replied, "I think it's some kind of Italian dressing."

Her wide-eyed expression of amazement was more than I ever could have hoped for.

The zaniest thing was when a couple of teenage boys approached Scruffy and said, "Will you take our picture with this cell phone?" One thing led to another and... well...

Later, Scruffy tried to explain. I told him I didn't want to know.

Danger Scenarios

2011-09-09T08:10:00.000-05:00

Hi! Can I shoot you?!? Please?!?

At work, a group of us were talking about danger scenarios (I don't remember why).

OoRah happily informed us, "As part of my Marine training, I have a plan to kill every person I meet."

I acted like I was making a list and did my best OoRah impersonation. "Let me make a list of Jeff's weaknesses... hm... there are too many..."

Big Dawg joined in. "My escape plan involves having at least one person behind me."

There was much amusement and general agreement with the strategy.

I have a sensitive tummy

Of course, Big Dawg is, well... big. So he continued, "Given my speed, most of those plans involve wrestling moves."

There was much more amusement as his plan began to resemble something that just might work.

Then, he went for the home run. "If 'King Hippo' does it on Punch-Out, I'm willing to give it a try."

While we gasped with laughter, Big Dawg alternated arms, raising and lowering them just like the old 8-bit video game character used to.

Now all Big Dawg needs is a band-aid for his belly.

I Missed Out On Something Wonderful

2011-09-07T08:30:00.001-05:00

Big Dawg had an old couch to get rid of. His apartment manager told him he could use a nearby construction dumpster, but the only way to get the couch to the dumpster was to take it down two flights of stairs, out the front door, and then around the block.

Hey baby

I could see it in my head. Big Dawg on one side, OoRah on the other. Carrying me, on a couch, down the side of a city street. This would be an adventure I'd tell my grandkids about one day! I could hardly wait.

The big day came. And I forgot.

Big Dawg, Golfer, M16 and OoRah wandered off to move the couch, and I didn't even notice. By the time I remembered, they were coming back from the adventure. I was heartbroken.

"You missed a lot," Big Dawg told me. "We had to cut the couch in half."

Yeah right, I was thinking. He's just rubbing it in. Then, as he kept talking, I realized something awful.

I regret nothing!

He. Was. Serious.

First, they dropped the couch on the Golfer. That could have been *me*! Can't you just imagine the "Jeff Smooshed by a couch" pics? You *know* I'd post them! Dang!

Then they got stuck on the second floor landing. A maintenance guy came by and offered, "I have a power saw." Big Dawg pondered this and said, "Well, we *are* throwing it away. Sounds good!"

Big Dawg and crew got to watch a crazy maintenance guy cut his old couch into three big pieces with a power saw.

Death to fabric-covered items!

That could have been *me*!

Then, they all got to carry Couch Fragments down a city street and around the block.

That could have been *me*!

*sigh*

Dang.

Happy Labor Day! (2011)

2011-09-05T08:30:00.001-05:00

Happy Labor Day!

The heat has finally broken! If you need me, I'll be outside shivering.

Bewildered Texan

2011-09-02T08:30:00.003-05:00

From the email archive...

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was an illegal Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm starting to think I might have wasted two stamps....

Art For Auntie

2011-08-31T08:30:00.004-05:00

On my side of the family, we have a very sweet Auntie who is 85 years old. My mother decided it would be nice to have the grandkids (my niece and nephews) color pictures for her.

Mom's instructions were simple. "You color the pictures, I'll mail them to Auntie."

My art is
my life

My niece (9 years old) chose to color in a squirrel.

She signed the picture, and then wrote on it:

"Auntie... you're the nuts!"

I love it. This is going to be my standard "Attaboy" response from now on.

"Hey OoRah... nice job on those TPS reports. You're the nuts!"

"Officer, thanks for chasing down that mugger. You're the nuts!"

"Thanks for remembering my birthday, Honey. You're the nuts!"

Oh, this is gonna be fun. :)

The A/C Hero

2011-08-29T08:30:00.002-05:00

brb... Spongebob's on!

"I think he thought he was wearing a cape."

That's how my wife described the A/C repairman who came out to our house recently.

We have a leak and we know it, but it'll take (potentially) a couple of days for them to fix it. We've been big Freon consumers this season.

Anyway, the repairman was an enthusiastic optimist who confused easily. "You have a leak?," he pondered. "Why do you only want Freon?"

My wife pointed out that it's still summer, still 100 degrees out, and two days without A/C is not a good option at this point. "But it might not take that long to find the leak," he protested. "Let me up in your attic."

He pulled the string on the bottom of our attic stairs. "Poink!" The string broke. He stood there a minute, just staring at the limp strands. "Uh... Sorry."

He tossed the string aside and stretched for half that was still attached. Stairs down, he bounded up like Spiderman leaping into a burning building.

Plus I think I got a splinter

Two seconds later, he bounded back down the stairs. "It's *hot* up there!", he exclaimed. He was unblinking, gasping, and bathed in sweat.

"Well yeah," my wife said. "Didn't anybody ever tell you that attics get hot in summer?"

"No!"

We got our Freon and the A/C Hero left, no doubt rushing off to share his new wisdom with the masses.

"Attics get hot in the summer! Pass it on!"

Husband Down

2011-08-25T08:30:00.004-05:00

(From the email archive)...

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

HUSBAND DOWN....HUSBAND DOWN! AISLE 7

Minor Chuckles

2011-08-22T08:30:00.004-05:00

I've decided to take the week off from writing for this blog. I've got a few small chuckles for you today, and then another for Thursday.

From the email archive...

Unstoppable

2011-08-19T08:30:00.004-05:00

I'm going to drop you into the middle of a conversation.

I don't remember why, but OoRah and I were talking about my insulated coffee mug. It looks like a disposable paper cup, but it's actually insulated plastic. Mine has a dark blue grip around the middle.

OoRah pointed and said, "My wife has one just like that, only its pink."

"So does my wife," I replied. Which is actually true. She never uses it, but she does have one.

"We have so much in common," OoRah said. "We both wear glasses, we both have wives with pink plastic coffee mugs..."

I flexed and added... "We're both unstoppable hulks."

OoRah nearly choked laughing at that one. "Hey now," I complained. "It shouldn't be *that* funny."

"It is."

I'll grant you, there is a small size difference between the two of us. Hardly noticeable.

Halloween Costume Idea

2011-08-17T08:30:00.004-05:00

I don't remember how it came up, but I glad it did. During a conversation with P-Ziddy, a bizarre idea popped into my head. A Halloween costume idea, specifically.

"Redneck Wizard."

Picture it... a pointy wizard's hat, with fishing lures in the brim.

A black robe with overalls.

A beer coozy in one hand, and a wizard's staff in the other. Of course, the staff would have a fishing reel attached.

YA'LL! SHALL NOT! PASS!

I may have to do it. I giggle every time I think about it.

P-Ziddy thinks I need a laser scope on the staff, as well. I think... hm. Maybe. :) What you do think?

Salad Dressing

2011-08-15T08:30:00.005-05:00

The little plastic wazzit at the top of a salad dressing bottle is important. It keeps the salad dressing from coming out all at once.

Yeah, like that. *sigh*

I stirred my lettuce soup around a bit, hoping to get the biggest puddles to slosh down at the bottom of the bowl. I was able to eat a little of it, but...

... I eventually had to stop.

My wife laughed for a very long time.

I pointed at her glass. "Do you need a refill?" She hopped up out of her chair. "Yes, but I'll get it."

During cleanup, I reached for the dish soap. "You'd better let me," she said. While grinning.

During yardwork, I tried to put gas in the lawn mower. "Don't touch that!"

*sigh* Stupid salad dressing.

KHAAAAAANNNNNN...

2011-08-12T08:30:00.002-05:00

Piiiiiiiii!!!!!

A couple of months ago, I discovered The Khan Academy. That site is awesome. Free online math videos. The guy speaks plain English and has videos covering everything from Pre-Algebra up to Differential Equations.

I decided to challenge myself a bit and re-learn some of the math I've long forgotten. I started at the "Core Algebra" section, which I didn't figure would be too hard.

‎(x + a)² =
x² + 2ax + a²

Ha. I have forgotten MUCH. Wow. I made it though Calculus in college, and I swear I've never heard of the Quadratic Equation until a few weeks ago. My high school Algebra teacher has much to answer for.

Anyway, I was talking to Scruffy about the Khan Academy. "I think I only remember about 10% of the Algebra I used to know," I confessed.

Scruffy got a far-away look in his eyes, like he was thinking about his first kiss. "Math Memories" were making his heart flutter. "Wow," he lovingly pondered, "I think I remember how to calculate a differential..."

Simple... right?

I blinked a few times. "Unless you're talking about the gears in a car, I have no idea what you're talking about." There was an awkward pause. "OK, OK,... even *if* you're talking about the gears in a car, I have no idea what you're talking about."

Have a good weekend, and try not to divide by zero.

Phone Home

2011-08-10T08:30:00.007-05:00

I like her better than I like you

I accidentally left my phone at home one day last week. This shouldn't have been a big deal, because my phone almost never rings. You know what's coming next, don't you?

My wife discovered my forgotten phone when it rang. "Hello?" "Is Edwardo there? Tell him I've got the stuff." "I think you have a wrong number." "Are you sure? I need to tell Edwardo I got the stuff." "Uh... OK. I'll tell him." "Thanks."

A few minutes later, the phone rang again.

"Hello! I represent the Macadamia Nut Survey Company. I was wondering if we could get your thoughts about Macadamia nuts?" "Well, I think they're pretty nutty." "Thanks!"

Nutty

Over the next hour, my phone got 4 wrong numbers, 2 survey invitations and a little kiddo who cried when my wife told him, "No, your gramma's not here."

Eventually, the doorbell rang. It was a door-to-door salesman. "Hello, I represent the..."

My wife cut him off. "Whatever." She tossed my phone over to him. "Take this next call for me, will you?"

The salesman started to protest, but then my phone rang. "Uh... hello?" He listened intently for a moment. "Um... sure. Yeah, I can do that." He started to gain a little confidence. "We'll be happy to renew your subscription. Yes, you qualify for the discount. Hand delivery? Scented packaging? Sure, why not."

Please m'am... if I don't make this sale, I'll starve...

He handed the phone back to my wife. "I have no idea who that was," he confessed.

"Doesn't matter," my wife said. "Whatever it is you're selling, can I bill it to that idiot you just swindled?"

"I don't see how." "Too bad. Have a nice day."

When I got home, my phone had been turned off and the battery removed. "I didn't trust it not to ring," my wife explained.

I'm not allowed to remove the phone from my pocket anymore. I've been carrying it now, night and day, for 9 solid days.

It has yet to ring.

Iced Coffee

2011-08-08T08:30:00.001-05:00

You know you want me, baby

I admit I've always been kinda standoff-ish about iced coffee. Coffee is supposed to be hot, right? It's not proper coffee unless you have to blow on it before you can drink it. Caffeine doesn't even *work* unless it is administered through scorch marks in your flesh, right?

And then my wife showed up one day with a package of Starbucks "Via". Instant Iced Coffee. Even better? Mine was caramel-flavored. OK, now I *have* to try it.

I gave it a try. It was like angels singing in my mouth. It made me want to dance and sing, except I knew that if I tried to sing I'd spew cool brown water all over the kitchen. And that if I tried to dance I'd throw my hip out of joint. Again. *sigh*

This is the kinda stuff that superlatives were invented for.

The only problem is that it's Starbucks. That means there are only 5 packets in the box and we had to take out a loan to afford it.

If I ever win the lottery, I'm trying this stuff again!

Yo

2011-08-05T08:30:00.003-05:00

I got screwy idea one day. I started kicking around the idea that most phrases can be made humorous (or even hilarious) by adding "yo" to the end.

I tried it out a few times...

"May the force be with you, yo."
"It's only a flesh wound, yo."
"In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth, yo."
"Do not remove under penalty of law, yo."
"Can't stop the signal, yo."
"Good night and Big Balls, yo."

It seemed to work well enough, so I posted it on my Facebook wall and asked others to contribute. I figured if I was lucky I'd get enough responses to do a "top 10" sort of thing.

The responses were mighty, and were many more than 10. Here's a sampling:

My name is Inigo Montoya, yo.
To infinity and beyond, yo.
You have the right to remain silent, yo.
To the Batmobile, yo.
Domo arigato, yo.
It's Friday, Friday, yo
Don't make me pull this car over, yo.
Don't call me Shirley, yo
That's what she said, yo.
Whip it ... Whip it good, yo
He's dead Jim, yo.
Yo!, yo.
Make it so, yo
do re me fa so la te do, yo
Do or do not, there is no try, yo.
Four score and seven years ago, yo
Ho Ho Ho, Yo
What in the name of Sir Isaac H. Newton happened here, yo?
What's up Doc, yo.
Dewey Defeats Truman, yo.

H'ray for Friday nonsense!

Add more in the comments if you like. :)

Formal Shopping

2011-08-03T08:30:00.001-05:00

Oops

We ran out of milk. I was designated the "milk-getter" since it was my fault we ran out (note: Despite what you may think, milk does not make a good shaving gel).

I burned my hand on the car door (it was 103 degrees outside!). I seared off my fingerprints on the steering wheel (103 degrees!). On the way, I passed an ice cream truck that had melted and some roadkill that had burst into flame (103!).

Queen Spoo would be proud

I finally got to the store. My car was slowly sinking into the puddled asphalt as I went inside (103 degrees!). I had planned to just grab milk and go, but was distracted by the woman in a purple evening gown.

This woman was dressed like it was a black-tie affair. She was smiling expansively while swaying gently to the store's muzac. She looked like she should be holding a martini and a waltz partner, not a shopping cart and a frozen lasagna.

The guy she was with? Shorts and a t-shirt. Flip-flops vs. Heels. They were quite the pair.

That's the last time I buy ice cream from the Wicked Witch of the West

She nodded in appreciation as I walked by and tipped me 20 bucks. I think she thought I was the valet.

By the time I got home, the milk had already curdled into cottage cheese (103 degrees!).

I guess I'll need to rent a tux and go pick up another gallon.

Headphones Theft

2011-08-01T08:30:00.005-05:00

Free to a felonious home

Well, I had small crisis at the office a few weeks ago. My headphones (earbuds) went missing.

It's possible that they got knocked off into the trash, or misplaced. It's more likely that a janitor ran off with them.

I wasn't too concerned because the earbuds were showing their age anyway. Plus, I'd just been given a Best Buy gift card. Even so, I figured I should warn the others against leaving things laying around.

I got everybody's attention and announced, "Somewhere out there, a janitor is enjoying my earwax."

I will *not* be using this laundromat again

Eventually the conversation wound around to preventative measures. "We should set up video surveillance", M16 suggested.

"Or we could just get a department Rottweiler," I said.

Somebody (can't remember who) suggested an exploding dye pack. "They put in the earbuds and *poof*!"

I liked the idea. "Hey, you with the purple ear! Get back over here!"

I'm not sure anything was actually resolved, but I do like my new earbuds.

Screen Time Screen Saver Factory

2011-07-29T08:30:00.002-05:00

When I started my current job five years ago, I inherited a pile of instruction manuals and reams of odd documentation. I threw away more than half of it, but then stored the rest in a file cabinet "just in case". I've never opened that file cabinet.

I decided to start going through that cabinet again. The very first thing I pulled out was this:

A screen saver instruction manual. Even better, it's got little bookmark tabs in it! Somebody *studied* this thing! I knew I was in for a treat even before I opened it.

And then I opened it. Check out the Serial Number...

If you don't know what those first four letters stand for, please do not Google them. It's safer that way.

System requirements go all the way back to Windows 3.1! Aw yeah. And it's highlighted! I imagine some previous developer carrying this thing around in his pocket, ready to jump at a moment's notice to *just* the right page. It was his personal printed version of Wikipedia.

And he had such nice handwriting, too.

At this point I'm starting to wish he'd used a different highlighter color. "Pea Soup Green"... mmmm. Yummy. Pardon me while I go 'urp' in a corner...

So, my "clean out the drawer" project is off to a roaring success. I've moved exactly one item, and I dare not throw it away.

Maybe I should just leave the drawer alone for a while. Again.

"Super" Bad Math

2011-07-27T08:30:00.004-05:00

On a game show last week, the host asked his contestants, "How many letters are in the word, 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'?"

If you say it loud enough...

I had roughly two seconds to come up with my guess. I blurted out, "35!". The correct answer is 34, so I was pretty happy.

"How did you do that?", my wife asked.

"Well, I said the word in my head and came up with 8 syllables. I figured there were about 6 letters in each syllable, and 8 times 6 is 35."

We basked in my genius for a minute. Then, my wife turned her head sideways a bit and said, "Wait... 8 times 6... is?..."

"Thirty-five," I confirmed. Then I blinked. "Uh. Wait. Not 35. Uh. Hm. Well. Uh..."

There was a long moment of silence. Then, my wife said, "Are you sure there are 8 syllables?"

"Of course," I scoffed. I began to count them out on my hand. "Sue. Per. Cal. Ee. Fra. Gil. Is. Tic.... Uh..."

‎(x + a)² =
x² + 2ax + a²

Turns out there are 14 syllables in the word.

"Well done," my wife said. While grinning.

"Look, I still got the question right!"

"You were off by one," she pointed out.

"Dangit!"

It's not easy being me.

The Incremental Moron Password

2011-07-25T08:30:00.004-05:00

I was showing OoRah how I reset user passwords. "That's pretty much it," I explained. "Now you have to email the user and let them know."

"What about folks who forget their password more than once?"

"It's tough," I said, "But I can usually find a way to notify them without using the word 'idiot'."

"Ah." OoRah pondered this. "So you use 'moron' instead, right?"

YEAH BABY!!!

"Tempting, but generally no."

OoRah made a beautiful suggestion. "You should note all the people who do this more than once. "Your password is 1moron", then "Your password is 2moron", and so on."

It was really hard to keep from shouting "YEAH BABY!" at the top of my lungs. Instead, between gasping laughs, I said "Don't put ideas like that in my head! I'll *do* it! It's your fault!"

OoRah seemed OK with this possibility. "You can call it 'The Incremental Moron Password'."

YEAH BABY!!!

It was clear that a pinacle had been achieved. "Well," I decided, "I will at least make a blog post about this and use that title."

OoRah was overjoyed. "YEAH BABY!"

I think we're both more than a little insane. Send help.

Dedication

2011-07-22T08:30:00.004-05:00

On my random day off last week I had a checkup with the doctor who diagnosed my hip problems (I'm doing fine, thanks for asking).

The next day when I went into work, the Golfer asked me how the doctor's visit went. "Well," I said, "The doctor actually recommended that I take *today* off also, but I am FAR too dedicated and loyal to even consider such a thing!"

The Golfer nearly fell over laughing. I guess the rumors of my dedication and loyalty leave a little something to be desired.

This is a short post, so I'll leave you with a bonus pic from OoRah.

Can you outrun the fox?

Happy Weekend!

I'll Meet You In The Bathroom

2011-07-20T08:30:00.000-05:00

Hello boys and girls! Are you ready to pound out some code?

At work, I am usually one of the last to arrive every morning. My habit is to wander through the department past everybody's desk and say "hi".

"Good morning, LadyPatsFan."
"Hi, M16."
"Sorry to see you again, Big Dawg."

And so on.

One morning I wandered through, and the Golfer wasn't at his desk. There was a likely explanation, and as luck would have it I needed to use those facilities myself.

I opened up the bathroom door and shouted, "Good morning, Golfer!"

'Doh!

There were four guys in the bathroom. None of them were the Golfer.

Now those guys think they are heros of the workplace for preventing an illicit bathroom rendezvous.

*sigh*

Harry Potter And The Unruly Crowds Of Fandom

2011-07-18T08:30:00.007-05:00

I had a random day off last Thursday, so my wife and I went to the movies. We saw Transformers 3, which was quite good.

Dos Equis? Don't mind if I do!

There is no chin behind Hagrid's beard... only another fist

I'll let you make your own 'magic wand' jokes here

Dance, little man! DANCE!

Thursday was also the day before the opening midnight showings of the last Harry Potter movie. We knew it would be nutty around there, we just didn't think it would start so early in the day.

When we left the theater at 6:40, there were already people camping out in the lobby, waiting to claim their spot for the midnight shows. Not just teenage girls, either. I saw kids, adults, grandparents... it was pretty amazing.

"We're smart to wait a week or two before we see that one," I commented. A little girl who was dressed like Professor McGonagall glared at me, hard.

"Can you imagine how insane this crowd is going to be?", I asked.

A kid with a Hagrid beard and several pillows stuffed under his shirt confronted me. "Are you saying we're insane?", he demanded.

"Is this a trick question?"

Another kid with a black cloak stood up and shook his wand at me, fire in his eyes. "Avada kedavra!!!", he roared. The Hagrid kid took the opportunity to kick my shins.

It was clear we wouldn't escape without a distraction. I pointed toward the far theater and shouted. "Equus!"

There was a stampede.

We eventually got out, although I now have multiple lightning-shaped scars.

Police Blotter

2011-07-15T08:30:00.006-05:00

... in the name of love

Disco fever

TPS Cover Sheet? What's this for?...

I eat lawbreakers!

The police have an interesting job. Sometimes they deal with very dangerous people. Sometimes they deal with donut shops. And sometimes they deal with very, *very* stupid people.

The following all came from the same police report. In other words, these all happened in the same week.

Was it a full moon last week?

Stranger! Stranger! (mamma said don't talk to strangers)

4:48 p.m. — [address omitted] Caller said strange people were knocking on her door. Advised that the “strange people” were, in fact, the police. Handled.

Flashy (bright lights, big city)

2:25 a.m. — [address omitted] Officers responded to report of vehicle with flashing lights. It was Cox Communications. Handled.

Rx Litter (also, there's a lot of dirt and rocks down there)

8:44 p.m. [address omitted] Officers responded to complaint of pills on the ground. Handled. They appear to be vitamins. Given to medics for disposal.

Cruisin' (just what the doctor ordered)

5:07 p.m. [address omitted] Complaint of driver of truck allegedly drinking beer while driving. Officers went on-scene. The drink was a Dr. Pepper. Handled.

Being Awesome

2011-07-13T08:30:00.004-05:00

Sometimes we Programmers end up working on the same files. This is fine as long as we all communicate with each other... otherwise we over-write each other and things get confusing.

I had to edit a file that I knew Big Dawg was also working on. I sent an email to the group, saying "I have made a change to [file]," and a few other technical details.

Obviously, this disrupted Big Dawg's work a bit. He gave me a short, slightly-annoyed reply:

Hate! :)
>
> I have made a change to [file]...

I was feeling punchy, so I replied to his email.

I'd take the time to mock your distress publicly, but I'm too busy being friggin' awesome over here. :)
>
> Hate! :)
> >
> > I have made a change to [file]...

Then things got hurtful.

I'll let that pass since I know how much effort it takes for you to be awesome. :P
>
> I'd take the time to mock your distress publicly, but I'm too busy being friggin' awesome over here. :)
> >
> > Hate! :)
> > >
> > > I have made a change to [file]...

I might have continued the exchange, but there was no point. Big Dawg could hear me laughing from over in his cubical, so he knew he'd won.

Lady Slipper

2011-07-11T08:30:00.003-05:00

So, last week I mentioned the "Iron Man" gel I'm using to help my tricky hip get better.

One of the ingredients is "natural botanical extract..." of something called "Lady Slipper".

I didn't bother to look it up, I just made a quick joke and moved on.

The day that blog post went up, I got an email from OoRah. It had no subject line and no text, just the picture you see over on the right.

I puzzled briefly over why OoRah would send me flowers. Then I thought, "Gee, those even look like..." and it hit me. Lady Slipper! Well played, OoRah.

I wandered over to his desk. "Did you get my email?", he asked. He had a manic grin and was cackling as he said it.

"Yeah, that was good." I stayed vague... OoRah's desk is near many other desks, and sometimes good comedy can come from keeping the eavesdroppers guessing.

"Just making sure you know that I didn't send you flowers for no reason."

I could almost feel the eyebrows raising around us. Excellent. It was time to raise my voice slightly.

"Yeah, I know why you sent me flowers, and yes, I will go out with you."

From the other side of the cubical wall, M16 said "GAH!"

There were multiple crashing noises. M16 was convulsing in his chair, and OoRah was laughing so hard he nearly fell out of his.

Well done, OoRah. Oh, and is Tuesday night at 9 good for you? :)

Thank You. Have A Great Weekend. Be Careful!

2011-07-08T08:30:00.006-05:00

Life is full of dangers, frail one! Live in fear!

Scruffy and I went out to lunch last week. While standing in line, the guy in front of me was talking to the lady behind the counter.

"Thank you," he said as she handed over his soup. "Have a great weekend," he sincerely continued. Then, his eyes bugged out in the weirdest, fiercest show of concern I've ever seen. "Be careful!"

I figured there was more to the conversation that I simply hadn't heard. Maybe the soup lady was going lava-diving at Mount Etna with a rabid fox and some poisonous scorpions. It could happen.

Zeus hid something here for me, I think...

Anyway, we worked our way through the line and up to the cash register. The lady there ran his credit card and handed it back. "Thank you," he said to her. "Have a great weekend." Again, his eyes bugged out in horrified concern. "Be careful!"

I was beginning to sense a pattern.

The cash register lady smiled kindly at him, and then stopped him before he could walk away. "Oh, sorry, there was a problem with your card. Can I see that again, please?"

He handed over his card again. She pushed a few buttons and handed it back to him. "Sorry about that," she apologized.

I'm afraid of fear itself!

"Thank you," was his reply. "Have a great weekend. Be careful!"

I swear I am not making that up. He gave his entire "thank you" reply, including the bug-eyed cautionary plea, TWICE to the same lady.

Scruffy and I finished lunch before he did. I considered telling him to have a great weekend as I walked by, but I was afraid he might freak out.

Gotta be careful, you know.

Hip Update

2011-07-06T08:30:00.002-05:00

My tricky hip is getting better, thanks a combination of powerful meds, ice, stretching exercises and miracle gel.

I do feel a weird about one of the stretches, though.

I don't know why this stretch has to be done in my underwear, but it's given me a great idea for a "Photoshop Jeff"... too bad my wife hid the camera.

Then there's the miracle gel.

This is my connection with greatness. Real men use stuff like this after hard workouts, or huge physical accomplishments. The smell alone is enough to clear your sinuses. A thin layer is all I need for my entire leg to go blissfully numb. Every time I open the tube, rugged bearded mountain climbers come by to ask if I wanna go out and play.

Surely, such a powerful product must be made of titanium, whiskey, and the crushed dreams of lesser men, right? Let's see...

Oh. Hm. "Lady Slipper"? Really?

I have new-found respect for lady's footwear.

Finally, since my lame injuries seem to be increasing in frequency, P-Ziddy has issued the following prediction about my condition in the near future.

I should be horrified, but I'm kinda looking forward to having auto-tune permanently installed on my voice.

Happy 4th of July, 2011!

2011-07-04T08:30:00.001-05:00

Today is a non-blog day. Enjoy the holiday! Try not to melt.

That is all.

Personal Space

2011-07-01T08:30:00.000-05:00

We like crowds. Crowds make us happy. Hooray.

At work, a group of us were talking about crowds. M16 expressed a dislike of big crowds because it's impossible to move your arms around without slapping somebody.

Personally, I find it hard to believe that M16 doesn't like slapping people. Maybe I'm just projecting my own hobbies onto him. Oh well.

In any case, there was general agreement. After all, "personal space" is a normal thing for most people. Even so, I made a note.

None shall refract

Later that day, our newest employee (a gent who I'll call "Monty") had a light bulb go out over his desk. Naturally, this led to a debate about the merits of light over nerd cubicles.

"I like the lights on," I said. Monty agreed; he got the maintenance guys to come down and swap out his light. "I like the lights on," said SpanFan, "but not too bright."

"I like it dark," said M16. "Your cubical is too dark!", insisted SpanFan. "Naw, it's perfect." "I can't see my hand in front of my face in your cubical!"

I saw my opening. I walked briskly toward M16. He started backing up in his chair, eyes wide. I walked right into his cubical, right up to his chair, practically in his lap. Then I jumped back.

Personal Space Violation! Backpedal! Backpedal!

"Oh! Sorry, it was too dark. I didn't see you there."

The expected laughter was nice, but I knew I could do better with a nice callback to an earlier moment. "The best part," I informed everyone, "was seeing the look on his face as I invaded his personal space."

One of these days, he's gonna hit me.

Tipsy Haircut

2011-06-29T08:30:00.007-05:00

Liquid Courage... because barber shops can be so intimidating

My wife got a show with her haircut last week.

It was early in the afternoon, but one of the other customers had already started his evening merrymaking. "Jus' a little (hic!) off tha top," he slurred. He was grinning manically.

The haircut began. His cell phone rang. "Can't talk! M' gettin' a haircut!", he shouted. "Me n' aaaaaall myyyyy friends!" He gestured expansively and gave everyone a huge open-mouthed smile. The fumes from his breath made a nearby conditioner burst into flame.

"Sir," said the barber. "They didn't hear you. You have to answer your phone first."

"Oh... (hic!) Thanks!"

Whoa. Seriously. Stop that.

He answered his phone and repeated the routine. The barber began her work again. A calm moment passed, and then the drunk shouted, "Who wants ta sing wif me?"

There was a horrified pause, followed by "I've got friiieeeeeeeeends, in loooooooow (urp), PLAAACESSSSS...."

Mercifully, his phone rang again. He tried to answer, but dropped it in the cup where used combs were soaking. As the phone gently sizzled, he plucked a comb out of the slightly-green solution and put it up to his ear.

"Hullo? Can't talk, m' gettin' a haircut!"

I love you guys (hic!)

This pattern continued for some time. When my wife left the shop, he was trying to set a campfire in the middle of the chairs. He kept slipping on piles of cut hair while grinning madly and shouting about how happy he was to spend quality time with so many friends.

I'm jealous I missed it. :)

My June Ailment

2011-06-27T08:30:00.006-05:00

So, I've hurt myself again. It just keeps getting better and better.

It started with my foot. After years of limping and poor posture, I managed to hurt my back. My chiropractor recommended some stretches and exercises I can do to make sure things stay healthy. He failed to mention that the stretches would also kill me.

I don't like being so familiar with medical diagrams

I stuck my right leg out to do a hamstring stretch. Apparently there's a wrong way to do this, because something went "ow" and my hip said, "Hey... I just realized that I hate you."

I strained a muscle in my hip. There's also a small tear. There's also likely some inflammation of the Bursae.

Walking hurts. Climbing stairs hurts *bad*. When I sit, it hurts. When I lay down, it hurts worse. I think this is really gonna hurt my chances as a contestant on Wipeout.

If you ever get a chance to exist as a fragile nerd, don't bother. It's not as transcendent as you might think.

So, anybody want to guess which body part I'll hurt next while rehabbing this one?

This will end badly

The doc gave me a stretchy exercise band that I'm supposed to use as part of my rehab routine. It's tough and durable, so I fully expect it to break on me. It'll pop up and smack me in the head. I may even lose an eye.

Then, before I'm used to walking around with no depth perception, I'll trip on something and break a foot. Then, the "pathetic injury" parade will have come full circle.

Wish me luck.

Doormats With A Message

2011-06-24T08:30:00.001-05:00

From the email archive...

---------------------------

The Apathetic Checker

2011-06-22T08:30:00.001-05:00

My wife and I were at Target the other day. We bought a few odds n' ends, including a large bottle of laundry detergent.

The lady at the checkout counter mumbled something and starting scanning items without even looking at us. My wife interrupted her to ask, "Did that laundry detergent scan?"

Whatever, dippy

The checker-lady looked up, eyes rolled back in annoyance. She looked like she couldn't possibly care less. She waved a hand dismissively and mumbled "Scanned."

When our total rang up, it was obviously at least 10 dollars short. "This didn't scan," we insisted. The checker-lady just shrugged. She was so apathetic about it, she couldn't even be bothered to verbalize.

"Look, I get that you don't care," I said. "But I kinda don't want to be a shoplifter, even if I get away with it. Re-scan this."

She rolled her eyes and grabbed the bottle. I decided to test the limits of her apathy. "Look," I said, pointing behind her. "There's a guy stealing an armload of toilet brushes." "Meh," she replied.

"He's sharpened the end of one and he's pointing it like a sword." "Feh," she elaborated.

"If he takes out your manager, you could be in line for a promotion."

Yeah, I've got issues

Still nothing. I waved my arms in the air. "Hey! My hinder is on fire!" "Whatever."

"Actually," my wife said, "Your hinder really is on fire."

I jumped and yelled and did a groping little "hiney-dance." There was no fire.

So, we never did hit the limits of our checker's apathy, but we confirmed that my gullibility is at standard levels.

Pillow Talk

2011-06-20T08:30:00.006-05:00

I think the statute of limitations is up on this one. Even so, I'll write vaguely so as to obscure my alleged guilt.

I made this pillow from two "Soundblaster Live!" fabric banners that hung at a CES-style trade show some 13 years ago.

Here's how I made it happen:

1) Acquire the necessary materials (*cough* *legitimately!* *cough*)

2) Hide them in the back of your closet for 4 years.

3) Using needle and thread, spend an hour sewing one edge of the two banners together. Jagged lines preferred. Poke yourself with the needle several times.

4) Hide your progress in the back of a closet for a couple of years.

5) Again with only needle and thread, spend another hour sewing a second edge of the two banners together. More jagged lines. Break a needle, gash your hand. Cry a little.

6) Hide your progress in the back of a closet for 6 years.

7) Obtain a sewing machine.

8) Undo all previous stitching, re-sew the whole thing in minutes with the sewing machine.

9) Gash open an old pillow. Spew pillow innards all over the living room. Breathe deeply, inhale the pillow fibers. Gag, cough. Cry a little.

10) Stuff the new pillow, sew up the last opening.

11) Party.

See, with just a few (*cough* *legitimately obtained* *cough*) materials, occasional determination and a complete lack of competence, you too can make your own pillow in just over a decade. An existing pillow must be sacrificed for the cause. Be prepared to bleed.

It's *totally* worth it.

Christmas In July In June

2011-06-17T08:30:00.003-05:00

Father's day is coming up. My Father-in-Law (FIL) has decided to have all us kiddos over this weekend to celebrate.

This should do for the appetizer...

Since it's *his* big day, he gets to pick the menu. In years past, he's chosen to have a cookout, in which he'll grill enough steaks to feed an army. Seriously... one year, for 6 of us, he grilled 10 steaks and baked 14 potatoes. Add in a couple of pies, a cake, enough salad to fill a bathtub and a broccoli-cheese casserole, and there wasn't enough room in the kitchen for all the "wind" that the broccoli caused.

Amazingly, he acted surprised when half the baked potatoes went untouched.

This year, he wants something different. He wants turkey and dressing.

I hope you made enough potatoes...

"It'll be Christmas in July!", he happily shouted. "It's June," somebody pointed out. "Eh. Whatever." FIL didn't seem too concerned with the details.

"So, Christmas in July in June," I pondered. "Wouldn't that like Thanksgiving? Are we going to hang the Christmas lights and watch football? Should I bring a jacket? Do we have to do this again in November?"

It took some time to sort out the details, but I now know that Thanksgiving is still on the schedule for November. I'm not invited.

HD

2011-06-15T08:30:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the Flower Channel... all flowers, all
the time.

My wife and I recently discovered HD. You see, we only have basic cable. We only want basic cable. We don't watch a lot of TV generally, so we just let the squarish picture expand across the widescreen TV and call it good.

But one day I got curious (bored) and started browsing the mysterious upper channels that had started appearing. Up in the 700+ range, I found HD versions of our local channels! Wow!

The picture was beautiful! The detail was magnificent. I flipped back to one of the standard channels and shouted to my wife. "Come see this!"

When she walked in, I showed off the standard picture. "See how it's all stretched?", I said. "Now look at this! This is beautiful!

I flipped over to one of the HD channels. They were showing a bra commercial.

Awkward.

"Huge Tracts Of Land"

Now, I wouldn't say that the bra in question was large. I'd say it was frickin' HUGE. Nicely framed, too. I think that if the dear lady's assets had been any bigger, they would have jumped out and punched me in the face.

"So," my wife said. "That's beautiful, is it?"

"Well," I confessed. "You have to admit, they aren't pixelated at all."

I'm not allowed to use the TV remote anymore.

Talons Game

2011-06-13T08:30:00.008-05:00

This past weekend, my wife and I went to a Tulsa Talons (Arena Football) game. You know how there's usually a bunch of fools at football games who dress weird and paint their chests and yell constantly? We sat behind them!

This group was truly special, too. They were all shirtless. The first guy wore a red firefighter's hat, and blue football shoulder pads. He had painted his chest some gray-ish / black-ish color, with no discernible pattern.

The second guy had a mostly red and black Mexican Wrestler's mask with powder-blue tassels sprouting from the back. He wore a set of black angel wings, and had painted his chest with the same gray/black non-pattern as the first guy.

The third guy had a bright orange fur hunting hat, plus huge wrap-around reflective sunglasses. He had drawn a beard on with a Sharpie. He wore a blue plastic cape that looked like a tarp, or a pool cover. He also had masking tape wrapped around all of his fingers.

The fourth guy was an overgrown smurf with a beer gut.

That guy in the Morph Suit was a little disturbing. The suit was form-fitting enough that there really *should* have been a visible panty line. Also, occasionally he would turn around. I don't need to go into details here, do I?

Anyway, emotional trauma aside, those guys were hilarious. They hooted and shouted constantly, but they were always family-friendly. Not everybody in our section was so considerate.

If I let you jump seats, the terrorists have won

The fun started with a lady who was sitting in the wrong seat. Two police officers came down to speak to her. "Sit where your tickets say, or you're going home." The lady tried to talk them into letting her stay, since there were open seats and she wasn't displacing anyone. They threw her out.

Harsh. But, she *did* break the rules. Then, a guy grabbed a megaphone from the Village People in front of us. He started screaming through it at the other team. The police showed up again.

"No F-Bombs," they said. The guy was incredulous. "I didn't say that ----ing word!", he insisted. The police threw him out.

My wife and I exchanged glances. "There can't be *that* many thugs, drunks, malcontents and evil-doers in this section," I said. I was wrong.

No joy! Joy is NOT permissible!

A guy made a pass at the cheerleaders. The police threw him out.

A kid stole an onion ring from his brother. The police threw the whole family out.

A vendor even got thrown out because his cotton candy pole was too short.

Up 80-51, the Talons prepared for an extra point attempt. Somebody joked, "Don't miss! We need this point!" I thought it was pretty funny, but the police threw him out.

Leaving early? Throw them out!

The highlight was when somebody yelled at the other team, "Hey number 17! Take a shower!" The police showed up again. "No yelling at the other team." "You're kidding, right?" "No. Just watch the game. No yelling."

I've never heard of fans being told not to yell at a football game. Naturally, the guy was kicked out.

By the end of the game, our section was empty except for us and the Fantastic Four. The Talons were up 81-51 with three minutes left. "Let's go," I said.

The police stopped us. "No leaving early."

We got thrown out of the game for trying to leave early.

Advanced Studies

2011-06-10T08:30:00.005-05:00

My wife found these in a file cabinet drawer recently.

That's 12 pages of spiral notebook paper. Every line filled, and most of them filled up on the backside, also.

12 pages of what exactly?

This stuff dates back 6 years or more, when I was trying to leave my old job. I was studying for Microsoft Certification exams. I wrote down every item that could possibly be on the test. The "X" marks next to each line means that I had mastered that particular item.

The "X" marks stop at around page 10. I guess I ran out of time before the exam. :)

I also seem to have had some questions about the "ContentPager Control". Come to think of it, I may still have some questions about that one.

My wife, bless her, she was so generous. Looking over this pile of old study material, she offered, "We can put it back in the cabinet if you want to keep it."

I have the sweetest wife in the world.

Despite her kind offer, I threw the pile away. :)

Pseudo Celeb - John Boehner

2011-06-08T08:30:00.004-05:00

"People Start Pollution. People can stop it."

Last week I saw a guy in Subway who looked so much like John Boehner that I did a double-take. He wasn't orange-tanned or crying, though. He was texting.

He was sitting at his table with a sammich in one hand and his phone in the other. His texting thumb was a blur. Bites occasionally disappeared from his sammich, but his eyes never left that phone.

As I walked by I paused. He didn't notice. I waved. Nothing. I kicked his chair and yelled "BOO!". His focus never wavered.

I pulled his tie loose and emptied a ketchup packet in his shirt pocket, but he didn't so much as blink. His texting thumb never slowed down, either.

I can't look away

What could be so important and engrossing that he didn't notice what was going on around him? I figured he was either watching his stock portfolio explode or re-runs of Wipeout on Hulu. I leaned in close to take a look.

He was sending and receiving Nancy Pelosi jokes.

Naturally.

Happy Birthday To Me, 2011

2011-06-07T08:30:00.001-05:00

Today is my birthday.

That is all. Carry on.

Ben Franklin

2011-06-06T08:30:00.007-05:00

Ben Franklin might be one of the most interesting historical figures ever. I base that assumption on a single source.

He might also have had something to do with early American government and electricity, but WHO CARES.

Ben Franklin occasionally wrote short satirical humor pieces. Wow... I love this man. Plus, the pages of this book smell slightly of boiled cabbage, which I thought was a nice touch. Every time I crack open the book to read, my wife gags and steps outside.

I don't know if reading satire from the 1700's will make me a better writer, but it *is* exposing me to words that aren't common to most modern Americans. Words like "Farthing". Yes, it's a real word. And yes, my good friend Ben capitalized the first four letters of it.

I love this man.

Beard Talk

2011-06-03T08:30:00.005-05:00

My beard even makes this sweater awesome!

Every now and then, we compliment Web Ninja on his beard for no reason. He might say or do something vaguely positive, and one of the rest of us responds with, "Yeah, that's great... it's the beard. It adds "awesome" to everything you do."

Last week Big Dawg complimented Web Ninja on his beard. Everybody giggled at the easy familiar joke. Then Web Ninja stepped it up a bit. "I was thinking about growing it out," he said, "but people would get caught in it."

This is not Jeff Goldblum. Do not be fooled by cheap imitations.

Big Dawg crinkled himself up in his best "The Fly" imitation. "Heeeeeelp meeeeeee....", he squeaked.

Ah, follicle humor. It never ceases to amuse.

That night, my wife and I went out to dinner. We were chatting and relaxing, when I glanced across the dining area. Easily visible from our seats, Web Ninja sat eating dinner with his mom.

I grinned at my wife and raised my voice. "Web Ninja is sitting right over there!", and I pointed. He didn't notice. "I'm so glad we're over here, and not sitting with WEB NINJA over there!", I continued. I waved my arms and whistled. Still nothing.

Ammunition

I picked up a bit of fried okra. "Don't," my wife warned. "It *would* get his attention," I pointed out. "He's here with his mother!", my wife said. "We've never met her! She might not think it's funny."

It broke my heart, but I ate the okra.

As we left, we stopped by Web Ninja's table. I delivered the greeting. "Hello sir... I couldn't help but notice that you're bearded."

It could have been... magnificent...

Introductions were given all around. I told Web Ninja about the piece of okra I almost threw at him. "Oh, you should have," his mom said. "That would have been hilarious!"

*sigh*

The Blowout

2011-06-01T08:30:00.006-05:00

This is why I won't try Tai food.

Can you imagine the size of that hole with fuel behind it? Lordy.

These pants actually survived more than a decade before the blowout. Such sturdy pants can only be made of one thing: Barbed wire, crocodile tears and tar.

This apparently happened on the same day that I ate lunch with Scruffy last week. Next time, less jalapeños.

My pants cannot contain me!

Happy Memorial Day, 2011

2011-05-30T08:30:00.002-05:00

You shouldn't be reading a blog like this on a day like today. Go enjoy the summer-ish-ness. Live a little. Throw a hotdog at somebody.

That is all.

Nothing, Really

2011-05-27T08:30:00.003-05:00

It's Friday, and I've got pretty much nuthin'.

So, we'll start with this cell phone notice over on the right. It made me giggle. You can probably read most of it as is, but if you wanna you can click into it for a bigger version.

I especially like the line about not looking anyone in the eyes. Words to live by.

Next, a random observation... Facebook gave me an alert last week that my wedding anniversary was approaching. The hilarious bit was that the alert linked to my wife's page and said, "Send her a message." Uh... I live with her? I don't think a Facebook message would be an acceptable anniversary remembrance.

It made me laugh, and in retrospect I really wish I had take a screenshot of it. :)

Finally, here's the Swedish Chef from the old Muppet Show. This short video starts out as cake decorating. It winds up with a demonstration of the "cäkenschmööscher."

Happy Friday!