Monday, June 13, 2011

Talons Game

This past weekend, my wife and I went to a Tulsa Talons (Arena Football) game. You know how there's usually a bunch of fools at football games who dress weird and paint their chests and yell constantly? We sat behind them!

This group was truly special, too. They were all shirtless. The first guy wore a red firefighter's hat, and blue football shoulder pads. He had painted his chest some gray-ish / black-ish color, with no discernible pattern.

The second guy had a mostly red and black Mexican Wrestler's mask with powder-blue tassels sprouting from the back. He wore a set of black angel wings, and had painted his chest with the same gray/black non-pattern as the first guy.

The third guy had a bright orange fur hunting hat, plus huge wrap-around reflective sunglasses. He had drawn a beard on with a Sharpie. He wore a blue plastic cape that looked like a tarp, or a pool cover. He also had masking tape wrapped around all of his fingers.

The fourth guy was an overgrown smurf with a beer gut.

That guy in the Morph Suit was a little disturbing. The suit was form-fitting enough that there really *should* have been a visible panty line. Also, occasionally he would turn around. I don't need to go into details here, do I?

Anyway, emotional trauma aside, those guys were hilarious. They hooted and shouted constantly, but they were always family-friendly. Not everybody in our section was so considerate.

If I let you jump seats, the terrorists have won
The fun started with a lady who was sitting in the wrong seat. Two police officers came down to speak to her. "Sit where your tickets say, or you're going home." The lady tried to talk them into letting her stay, since there were open seats and she wasn't displacing anyone. They threw her out.

Harsh. But, she *did* break the rules. Then, a guy grabbed a megaphone from the Village People in front of us. He started screaming through it at the other team. The police showed up again.

"No F-Bombs," they said. The guy was incredulous. "I didn't say that ----ing word!", he insisted. The police threw him out.

My wife and I exchanged glances. "There can't be *that* many thugs, drunks, malcontents and evil-doers in this section," I said. I was wrong.

No joy! Joy is NOT permissible!
A guy made a pass at the cheerleaders. The police threw him out.

A kid stole an onion ring from his brother. The police threw the whole family out.

A vendor even got thrown out because his cotton candy pole was too short.

Up 80-51, the Talons prepared for an extra point attempt. Somebody joked, "Don't miss! We need this point!" I thought it was pretty funny, but the police threw him out.

Leaving early? Throw them out!
The highlight was when somebody yelled at the other team, "Hey number 17! Take a shower!" The police showed up again. "No yelling at the other team." "You're kidding, right?" "No. Just watch the game. No yelling."

I've never heard of fans being told not to yell at a football game. Naturally, the guy was kicked out.

By the end of the game, our section was empty except for us and the Fantastic Four. The Talons were up 81-51 with three minutes left. "Let's go," I said.

The police stopped us. "No leaving early."

We got thrown out of the game for trying to leave early.


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