Hawt Dog!

When my wife and I went to Mazzio's on July 4th, the restaurant TV was set on ESPN. I wasn't paying attention until I heard a sportscaster say, "This is the most exciting ending in *all* of sport!" I looked up. There were guys eating hot dogs.

One of the commentators came up with this gem that I swear I am not making up: "The passion is raw, but the hot dogs are cooked." Doesn't that get your blood pumpin'? Yeah, baby! That got my testosterone to surge just THINKING about it! Can *you* feel the passion? *I* can!

A ten-minute hot dog eating contest ended in a tie, with both "athletes" snarfing down 59 'dogs. A helpful sideline reporter informed us that these 118 franks, placed end to end, would be as long as the first down marker in pro football. I don't know what's more bizarre... that he'd try to invoke images of pro football to make us think this is a real sport, or that hot dog eating contests have sideline reporters.

Oh, and for the record, if each hot dog is 8 inches long, then that's 944 inches, or 78 feet, also known as 26 yards, which is more than double an NFL first down unless your team is playing against the Patriots in the snow. I guess the passion went to his head. Either that or he's prone to numeric exaggeration, which lends itself to all kinds of jokes that I'll let you come up with on your own (yeah, I'm lookin' at you, P-Ziddy).

In the end the tie-breaker was a "dog-off", which sounds like something a cat would spray on just before relaxing in a hammock. The contenders were told they would get to eat even more hot dogs to determine the winner. The look on their faces suggested that, in this case, "winner" and "loser" might end up meaning the same thing.

And why oh why must the prize-winning belt invoke images of pro wrestling? I can just picture Triple H waving a yellow belt and shouting, "I am just *passionate* about pastels!" I'm thinking folks might talk.

Then again... Hulk Hogan wore yellow... hm...