Walmart And The Elderly

1) The little old man

My wife was shopping for greeting cards recently. As she worked her way down the aisle, a little old man suddenly thrust a card in her face. Without preamble, he looked up at her and said, "Who can I send this to?"

After a brief moment of shock she recovered enough to say, "...er... well, it says, 'For my daughter-in-law'."

"Oh," the old man said, deflated. "I don't have one of those." He went back to the shelf.

A few minutes later he was back, pushing another card up in the general direction of my wife's nostrils. "Who can I send this one to?", he asked. "That one says 'Grandfather'", she observed. "Oh," he replied, clearly disappointed.

My wife started to wonder if sending cards was such a good idea this year. "Our loved ones will understand," she decided, and left the aisle. As she was leaving, she looked back and saw the little old man assaulting another hapless shopper. "Who can I send this to?"

2) The little old lady

My wife and I were in the car, cruisin' the parking lot. Obviously, this time of year there's a lot more traffic in parking lots. We were waiting for a clearing when we saw a little old lady hobbling across in front of us.

"C'mon, lady!" I said, pretending to shout and being generally silly. "You'd better run!"

At that exact moment, a gust of wind caught a square of cardboard. It was launched airborne, and then pinned against the lady's backside.

She began to run.

My wife and I were laughing to the point of tears at the amazing spectacle in front of us. A tiny little lady with a cardboard hinder, running for all she was worth in a busy parking lot. She was running with the wind (obviously), and looked like she might go airborne herself at any moment. The whole way, that piece of cardboard was attached to her so firmly it may as well have been stapled there.

For the first time ever, the phrase "spanked by cardboard" came to mind. It's my new favorite phrase.