Tricky Finger

I'm an idiot.

From time to time, I chew my fingernails. I know it's a bad habit, but it's one I've had since I was 3 and half weeks old. I don't do it as much anymore, but apparently it's still too much.

I developed a paronychia infection in my left middle finger. It was red, pussy, swollen, and painful. Good times.

Most of our Saturday was spent in a doctor's waiting room with a bunch of other people who also didn't plan ahead. My doctor looked like the bald lead singer for a punk rock band. He put down his guitar, gently pushed away his groupies, smashed a beer can on his forehead and then calmly told me he'd have to do some slicing on my finger to make it all better. I thought about protesting, but his stage manager looked mean.

He started by giving me injections to numb the pain. "This will be the worst part," he explained. "You'll have a strong burning sensation along with some really intense pressure." During the process, I had my other fist clenched, jaw grinding, eyes slammed shut, and my legs were twitching. Somehow I managed to grunt out the words, "DANGIT... you're an honest man..."

That earned me a brief respite from the pain as he paused to laugh.

It turns out, "the worst part" was a very relative term. He got to cuttin' on me with his little razor-wazzit, and I couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like without the numbing shots. I also wondered if I was going to need to change my shorts when it was over.

The final act involved a nurse putting a gauze corn dog on my finger. So much for any chance at subtly.

The moral of the story, obviously, is "don't be me". It's not worth it. :)