Elderly Woman vs Rock Star Waiter

My wife went to lunch with an elderly friend of ours. For the most part they had a nice time, although our friend did nearly kill the waiter.

He was a young punk, cocky, with an earring and a permanent casual oblivious head-bobbing smile. Our friend is a very old woman who has uttered the phrase "kids these days" more than a few times. Conflict was inevitable.

It started early when he called her "Grandma". Her violent unblinking glare could have melted steel. He didn't seem to notice.

He actually was a very good waiter. He never stopped smiling and kept their glasses full. He also kept calling our friend "Grandma" and half-danced everywhere he walked. He obviously had a tune stuck in his head and was enjoying every minute of it.

"I can't stand that boy!", our friend confessed. My wife tried not to say anything. It had been pretty obvious to everyone except the waiter that violence was the only possible conclusion to the meal. Even folks from the taco stand across the street were lining up to watch the fireworks.

"...AND I need another napkin!", our exasperated friend continued. At that moment, the waiter appeared. "Sure thing, Grandma," he happily agreed.

The dam broke. Our friend smashed her water glass against the table and held the broken shards out toward him like a club. "I am NOT your Grandma!", she roared. "I need more napkins and a little respect! My vegetables were cold! My hip hurts! Don't make me come over there, Junior!"

The waiter continued to bob his head to the music only he could hear. His vacant smile never wavered. "Can do," he happily agreed. He winked at my wife and glided away.

Our elderly friend burned down the restaurant on her way out. She also refused to leave the waiter a tip.