Stories From My Past: The Nose Knows

I was reminded of this story yesterday. One year in high school, I took a "Competitive Speech and Debate" class. For the most part, I was an average student. But there was one event that really captured my imagination: The Dramatic Duet.

OK, I'll grant you... part of the reason it captivated me is that I was teamed up with a classroom cutie. But that was only part of it. I really liked our cheesy little act.

Our act, specifically, was the big death scene at the end of Cyrano De Bergerac. Cyrano, for those who don't know, is a classic French play about unrequited love, starring a guy with a crazy-big nose. Steve Martin made a movie along the same lines called Roxanne.

It's a comedy, but in the original play Cyrano does die at the end. This was our big scene. I'd prance around, sword fighting ghosts in a delusional haze, then I'd collapse on the ground and die with my head cradled in the classroom cutie's arms. Not a bad gig.

We were pretty good. When the speech and debate team would go out for competitions, we'd put it to the test. And always, for one bizarre reason or another, we'd fail.

One time it was because we had about 12 square feet of "stage" to work with. We did our best, but the teary-eyed farewell was more or less performed under the judge's table. He docked us big points for not being able to see the finale.

The "best" one was The Idiot. He asked us, "What are you performing?" "Cyrano De Bergerac," I replied. "What?" I repeated my answer. "Huh?" he said, still in a fog. I repeated again, slowly. "Oh!" he said, acting like he understood. "Go ahead, then."

He didn't understand.

Everybody in the room told us that we were the best that day. Everybody except The Idiot. His comment sheet more or less said, "I didn't get it." He'd written down the play's name as Serano Bereshneck.

I was crushed. We were the best, and we never won anything for it.

I guess The Idiot thought it was some kind of Russian epic. Even if he didn't know the play, I don't know why he couldn't figure out a death scene. I still despise him a little for that, even now.

Poor me. ;)