Practical Dentistry

I've been thinking about teeth lately. Not by choice. I'm starting to develop a bit of a toothache, and I don't have a established doctor/patient relationship with any dentist.

See, 3 or 4 years ago, the dentist I had been using regularly lost many fingers in a hunting accident (so much for career #1). I should have picked another right away, but I worried that I might inflict digit-ripping doom on him, too.

Years later (present day), I picked a guy. Called the office, set up an appointment. Since I'm a new patient, they sent me five (five!) forms to fill out. Medical history, insurance, inseam, they need to know it all. I'm not exactly sure how "date of first kiss" matters, but I went ahead and found the info for him. That was an embarrassing phone call.

One of the questions on one of the forms was, "Have you ever had an upsetting dental experience? If so, please describe." At first, I was worried that they were fishing for ideas. "Check it out! This one is terrified of ugly nurses! Call up Rotting Rachael, tell her we've got a gig for her!"

Then I realized the truth. The tiny line for this question was only enough for me to squeeze in 3 short words. It's not that they need new ideas, they just don't want to hear prospective patients whine too much.

"My last dentist smelled like the inside of a gym sock, all the time! He'd drip dandruff and sweat every time he leaned over me! I'm sure he tattooed WASH ME on the inside of my gum line, but I can't prove it. I hope *you* shower regularly."

The only way I could say all that would be to write "Stinky bad. You?" in the space provided. I left it blank instead.

The true irony of all this is in the appointment date. I now have a half-day off on Tuesday, Nov. 4th. Election day. After going through everything I did to get an absentee ballot, it turns out I could just go at mid-day and avoid the rush.

Typical Jeff-luck.