The Painter

We needed to paint our house. We were actually planning to do the work ourselves, but then we both remembered how much malignant joy P-Ziddy gets when he hears the words "Jeff" and "Ladder" in the same sentence. We got some estimates.

One painter really impressed us with his low bid. He's a huge overweight middle-aged redneck for the ages. He misspelled "Professional" on his paperwork with the estimate. I knew he was the one.

In the days between "estimate" and "job", he came out to give another estimate to a neighbor of ours. The husband I'll call "Wax-Man" because he waxes his cars every couple of weeks. I'll call his wife "PrettyLady" because I have no idea what else to call her :).

Painter showed up for their estimate wearing shorts and cowboy boots. PrettyLady (who never goes outdoors) pointed at him though a window in open horror. "What is this thing you've hired?!?", she wailed. "It's not a man!"

When he showed up to paint our house he was wearing white coveralls and and a white shirt. He quickly got to work and did an excellent job. He also started losing buttons from the sides of his coveralls almost immediately.

He stepped in our front entryway briefly to touch up a spot he missed on the door. When he bent over he gave my wife a show. It shouldn't be possible to have plumber's crack when you're wearing overalls, but he managed it somehow.

As he moved on to another area my wife leaned over to me. "He has blue underwear," she whispered, horrified. "I shouldn't know that!"

Through it all, Painter was just as cheerful and casual as could be. I don't know if he realized he was flashing the neighborhood when he climbed that ladder, but I'm sure he wouldn't have cared.

When he finished he waddled away, happy as could be. As he drove away my wife told me, "I don't believe him when he says he doesn't drink anymore."

I would highly recommend this Painter. No nonsense, quick work, good price and one heck of an interesting show.

Plus, as you can see, a coat of paint from this huge good ol' boy makes a big difference.