Wednesday, August 04, 2010


Oh! Certified!So, I got this thing in the mail inviting me to a ScrumMaster workshop. ScrumMaster is a real thing in the business world, but you know that doesn't matter to me. I'm not here to advocate the latest business fads trends. I'm here to mock goofy terminology.

First, let's ponder this name, "ScrumMaster". It makes me happy. I'm not sure exactly what he's the master of, but I'd bet he always wears a malicious grin. One fist is always clenched and he never blinks. His briefcase holds a dirty deformed wooden stick and a three-ring binder full of the punctured souls of his enemies. He will, he WILL, rock you.

There's a section in the pamphlet called "Immediate Benefits of Participating in this Workshop". Here's a sample:

Also, rainbows will follow wherever you go and monkeys will build you a flying car

A couple of thoughts.

1) "Conduct decomposition". I'm pretty sure that means your project turns to poop. I've seen this happen without the assistance of any Scrum-Whatevers. It's not that hard.

2) "Scrum Alliance". Sounds like a tight-nit clan of freedom fighters. If being a Scrum-Thing includes wielding a sword, I'm all in.

From the Course Outline...

One of these things is not like the other...

My mom grew up in the country. This vague association with rustic living probably puts me at an advantage over my pathetic ignorant city-dwelling brethren on item b.

Everything is better when it's meta

"MetaScrum"? "Scrum of Scrums"? Really? How much alcohol was involved in the creation of this ScrumMaster stuff? Why not MacroScrum, Awe-Scrum and The Mighty Scrumoid?

I have no punchline for this image. Oh well.Still, this stuff is just goofy enough to have my interest. And they have a "sensible, cost-saving" whiz-bang, so I actually briefly considered digging deeper to find out what all this nonsense is about.

Or 140 easy payments of $9.95

Whoa. $1,395?

For that price, you can call me Scrum-less.


At 12:44 PM, Anonymous iCanSpell said...

Oh! I'm a CSM, Certified Scrum Master. It is all that you imagine and more.

Secret word is indar. I don't know what that means. Maybe it's like radar?


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