All The Fixin's

I heard a great story about a couple who almost will not be identified as my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. For purposes of this story, I will call them Mrs. Paul and Charlie Tuna.

CT is a bright guy when he's dealing with mechanical engineering, and he acts like a bright guy rest of the time. When he talks about food he usually sounds like an expert, but it's only because he can pronounce words like "Crème brûlée" without bruising his tongue. He knows what wine goes with Lobster Bisque but he can't make a PBJ without having to peel peanut butter off the ceiling when he's done.

MP is the kind of cook who wildly substitutes ingredients and misses vital directions in the recipe. "The cake directions said to add milk and eggs, then mix. We didn't have either of those, so I used bath salts and two grapes. Then I put it in the microwave, turned on the stove and popped open a box of Bon-Bons."

They were planning to have ham for dinner one night. "What goes with ham?", asked MP. CT had the answer. "Get some of that ham sauce my parents use."

Ham sauce?

MP didn't know any better, so she went to the store to look for ham sauce. Details are a bit sketchy at this point, but I really hope she asked one of the store minions for help. "Excuse me, where's the ham sauce?" "What?" "You know... ham sauce?" "Ma'am, are you feeling OK?"

For the record, the "Ham Sauce" ended up being a glaze. I can just imagine MP trying to make glazed ham... stirring chicken broth and cracker crumbs over high heat and saying, "I don't think this is gonna look any better once it congeals."

I also think that "Ham Sauce" would be an excellent name for a rock n' roll band.