How To Make The Vice Presidential Debate Interesting

The big Vice-Pres debate is tonight.

Yeah, I don't give a flyin' flip, either.

If you're like me (and I know I am), then you already know who you are going to vote for. None of this other bull-squeeze matters. Both sides will claim victory. Quotes will be taken out of context. Body language experts will tell us who had gas, and "impartial" news people will passionately explain why their "secret" (*cough*) favorite candidate was the best. Spare me.

This debate should be called off. Either that, or it should be spiced up. I have a few ideas about that.

For starters, they should give up on any pretense of having an impartial moderator. Instead, have them bring in Keith Olbermann and Bill O'Reilly. Don't feed either of them for 24 hours before the debate. Whip them into a frenzy 5 minutes before the cameras turn on, and restrain them at their little table like hockey players in the penalty box.

Also, allow slapping. And not just between the moderators. Let the candidates get involved. I'm imagining a glorious cacophony of open-palmed justice. "Why does it matter that you can see Russia from your backyard?" "That is clearly a partisan question. Lean over here so I can slap the lipstick off you, you pig!" [whack]

The conclusion of the debate should a be Smothers Brothers style cream pie fight. Give every audience member a pie. Turn them loose. Give O'Reilly and Olbermann pies too, with bricks in them. The catch is that they can only throw theirs at each other.

And finally, when all is said and done, ask the candidates who most deserves the post-debate "bump". Whoever shouts loudest is the winner (like in real life), and gets bumped to the ground hard by Rick Flair.

Ah, America. We're doomed.