Handled

Check out this Police Report from a local Olive Garden:

5:59 PM - Disturbance - "Employee freaking out, threatening other employees." Handled.

I can't help it. This makes me giggle. What is there to freak out about deep in the bowels of an Olive Garden?

"OLIVES! Olives everywhere! They're watching me! GAH!"

I don't know about you, but if I see more than three olives in the complimentary salad, I *do* get a little concerned.

And I love how vague and blunt the solution is. "Handled." I wonder what that means? Was a hostage negotiator necessary? "Well, his demands are pretty simple... he wants a letter of recommendation for his application to Chili's, a new apron and safe passage to his mom's house."

I think the officers were probably just embarrassed for the guy. "Handled" sounds a lot better than "Officer Punchinzki touched the butt of his gun and glared, causing the alleged assailant to cry and promise never to do it again."

I sense the making of a legend. This could go down in the annals of restaurant justice as the epic Olive Garden beat-down of '09. The press hushed it up ("Handled"), but those involved will never be the same.

I'm beginning to wonder if I think about Olive Garden too much.