Monologue

I've been pretty disappointed in Conan O'Brian's Tonight Show so far. His monologue just isn't doing it for me. I thought, "Any fool could do better with these topical jokes." Then I remembered that I am, in fact, any fool.

Now, you might be tempted to read these next few jokes and mock me for my quality, quantity, or both. Keep in mind that Conan has writers to help him, and they spend (presumably) hours each day on this. I spent a few minutes each day during my lunch break at work (not that you can't mock me, of course).

The first one is actually my "improved" version of one of Conan's jokes. If you remember his original, then you can tell me if you think mine is better.

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In the next issue of Rolling Stone magazine, Adam Lambert is expected to announce the surprising (*cough*) news that he is gay. Yeah, surprising. The issue will also break the news that Amy Winehouse has consumed an average of one bottle of vodka per minute since 1992, Michael Jackson has wallpapered his bedroom with pictures of the Slumdog Millionaire kid, and Susan's Boyle's potty mouth earned her a fiery lightning strike from a vengeful god.

In New Zealand, a 3-year old girl bought a 12 thousand dollar earthmover in an online auction. She started clicking around on the computer while her parents were napping. It seems the kiddo wanted to install a moat around her sandbox so she'd have a place to keep the alligator she bought on eBay.

Also in international news, Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner told China its dollar assets are safe. They literally laughed at him in response. It's his own fault for booking Carrot Top as his opening act.

This "Mother of the Year" candidate was the leader of a teenage gang. How would you like to be *that* kid? "OK Mom, I'll brush my teeth before the hit... Yeah, Ma', I packed my gun... Yes, Mom, I'm wearing clean underwear... Ma! I promise! You don't have to *check*!"

It's hard to be a hardcore with your mom running her fingers through your hair and coo'ing. It's pretty much the polar opposite of "street cred".

A "Pet-Friendly" airline called PetAirways will take flight in mid-July. And you thought crying babies were annoying... "Sir, I really wish you had booked two seats for your Mastiff. He's crushing my wife and he won't stop sniffing my hinder. Uh, ma'am, your bird just uncorked a load in my hair. Hey! That monkey just took my wallet!"

I wonder how long would it take for the passengers to be sick of all those [Sam Jackson Word] snakes on the [Sam Jackson Word] plane?

In Conneticut, a bride (still wearing her wedding gown!) saved some people from a burning house. She's a real patriot. Take a look at this brave lady running toward the flames...



That's inspiring.