Tuesday, March 26, 2013

What I've Got For You

Lunchtime! I walked out of the office to a nearby Subway. Good times.

The guy on the right. Two of him. Work with me!
I was headed back to the office with my to-go bag when I passed Large and In Charge. The two of them were skipping across the street like half of Laurel and Hardy twice.

I said hello. Large eye'd my bag and grinned. "What have you got for me?"

"Love," I replied. "And respect."

"You've never had either of those," said In Charge, poking Large in the ribs. His finger sank in to the second joint.

Large slapped him away without looking. To me he said, "I will gladly pay you Tuesday for..."

"No deal," I cut him off. I was tempted, but Large's mustache is too small to pull off that impression.

"Hey, he's not as dumb as you look," said In Charge, giggling.

They wandered off, bickering. It's a pretty normal state of affairs for those two.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013


At work, our health insurance is changing. Thus, we all got health screenings.

They brought in some "Traveling Nurses Association Of Mobile Nurses Traveling" group to handle the particulars. It was just a bunch of ladies with smocks and bags of cotton balls. Seriously, that stuff was flying around like confetti. It was a little wild, but at least the atmosphere was festive. They even had clowns.

The last step involved sitting down with a nurse to talk over my results. She was wearing a vest with vertical red and white stripes. "Step right up!", she happily squealed.

She went over my numbers. "This is good, this is good," over and over. Apparently I have very good numbers. Then it got weird.

"If you were a lady," she said, "I'd compare you to Mary Poppins! Perfect in every way!"

There was a brief awkward pause while I searched for a silver lining. My falsetto just improved... Spoons as blunt force objects... that trick with the umbrella would really cut down on the morning commute...

The nurse continued. "I guess since you're a guy I'll just compare you to Bert the Chimney-Sweep."

I blinked and grinned. "Did you just compare me to Dick Van Dyke?" "Yes." "I'll allow it."

I got up to leave. The nurse looked me hopefully. "Can I guess your weight?"

"Sure, go for it." She looked me over. "16 pounds?"

She's good.

Thursday, March 07, 2013

Freight Elevator KABOOM

There's a Freight Elevator behind my desk at work. Well established fact. Nothing but a 5-foot fabric-covered wall between me and it, sort of thing. It can get noisy, but most of the time the noises are pretty easy to ignore.

Last week, there was an exception. There was a crash so loud that the floor shook. "Did part of the building just fall off?", P-Ziddy asked.

After a few silent moments, we heard a voice from inside the elevator. He was calling the front desk to report that he was stuck.

Before long, the party started.

Building Maintenance and Security both descended on our floor. "You OK in there?", they shouted to the trapped guy. "Yeah." "Not feeling claustrophobic or anything?" "No."

One of the Maintenance guys chuckled. "Need us to get a doctor for you?" "Sure!", the trapped guy responded. "Make sure he's got a pretty nurse."

Back in the peanut gallery, Big Dawg turned to the rest of us and grinned. "Yeah... He's fine."

P-Ziddy waved his arms in comic desperation. "I'm trapped in an elevator! Send beer!"

After a few attempts with a crowbar, they realized that the elevator door was simply not going to open from the outside. They sent somebody up to the next floor.

Ho. Ho. Ho.
"He's gonna go in through the top of the elevator," Maintenance explained. "We'll get the trapped guy out that way, and then we'll send John McClain... uh... I mean, we'll send *somebody* inside with some tools."

K-Too sniffled and wiped a fake tear from his eye. "This reminds me of Baby Jessica."

Eventually they got the door open a few inches. A Security guy stuck his nose close to the gap and sniffed. "What's that smell? Is that a motor burning?"

M16's eyes nearly bugged out of his head. "Don't let them burn the building down!"

"OK everybody," I explained. "The good news here is that all those existential questions about the meaning of life aren't gonna bother you any more."

They eventually got the mess cleaned up and mostly sorted out. It was a bit like a Die Hard movie, but with less shooting.

Hey, it's never dull. :)


Tuesday, March 05, 2013

Memory Lane

Last weekend, I got to play trucks with my nephews!

Even better? They were *my* old trucks!

What can I say? I was a fan of really big wheels. Don't judge.

As a kid I had these awesome metal Tonka Truck toys. They had a spectacular layer of filth on them, so we had a little Clorox party first.

I remember most of these toys. It was incredibly fun to see my nephews playing with them.

After we emptied out my old toy box, my dad brought out another one that I didn't recognize. It was one of *his* old toy boxes. It had wood blocks, Tinker Toys, dominoes, plastic "Cowboy and Indian" figures, and an arm-less freakish baby doll that would give Chuckie nightmares (Dad had sisters).

The U-Shaped bandy-legged guys had me in hysterics. But look deeper... there's so much more to enjoy. The horse in the upper right has no tail (my oldest nephew called him "No-Tail Charlie"). The ambiguous farm animal in the middle had an unfortunate run-in with an unspecified vehicle (Mom called him the "Axle-Pig"). And the little seated Army guy in the lower right has an expression of sincere concentration on his face...

I call him "Constipation Dan".

There was also this wonderful little plastic ukulele / guitar thing. One of the pegs is broken, but you're supposed to stretch rubber bands across it like so...

If you like the ukulele lady, the ukulele lady like-a you!