Monday, June 30, 2008


Microsoft has a fun habit. When you are installing "Visual Studio" (the program I use to write my code at work), they like to give you a little slide show of people smiling at you. Supposedly these are actual software developers.

That means that for 30-45 minutes at a time, I got to look at a status bar creeping along like a dehydrated man on his stomach in the desert. As an added bonus, I got to stare longingly at this this guy.

Eh... I've never actually talked to a girl before...You might have guessed from the "30-45 minutes at a time" bit above that the installation didn't go well. All told, it took 2 full days of quality time with the Creepo-Dude to get up and running with my new version of Visual Studio.

"Awkward" doesn't even begin to cover it with this guy. It's like he's saying, "The weight of my ID badge is pulling my frail torso forward and making it impossible to look you in the eye..."

Or maybe, "I just escaped from my parents' cellar last week. My crazy cousin didn't make it out, but I can still hear him screaming..."

By the time it was all finished, I had very nearly set my computer on fire with the power of my sheer concentrated hate.

Poor Creepo-Depot... he looks lonely, doesn't he? Pathetic? Shy? Can't you just imagine him at a party? He'd be the one over by the buffet table, trying not to get in the way, telling jokes that no one laughs at, watching people scurry away from him and wondering if they are talking about him behind his back. And they *are*, too... they are all glancing nervously over their shoulders at him like he's Carrot-Top covered in super-glue, thinking "Please don't let him get attached to me," and saying "That poor boy just doesn't have any social skills."

I get more chicks than you *ever* will, Dork!Actually... wait a minute. No social skills... Hm. Maybe he really *is* a programmer?...


Friday, June 27, 2008

Proof That Men Don't Always Think First

Thursday, June 26, 2008


Quick Unrelated Goodness! Check out this late Photoshop Jeff pic from Short-Timer!

I wish this 'mag really *had* existed when I was young'un. That last topic in particular... boy, I needed help! Thanks for the pic, Short-Timer.

And now, on to the regular silly for today...


My wife and I were in Target the other day, and saw two toys of note.


It's Indy! He's a spud! Even better... when you press on his hat it plays the first couple of bars of the Indiana Jones theme. One of the coolest toys ever. :)

We named the *dog* Indy!


This is just wrong.


OK, I'm a nerd. But... even you non-nerds see the problem, right? He's the HULK. Riding an ATV? Wha? I could maybe see him eating the thing, but ... riding?

*sigh* OK, OK... I'll go try to get a life now.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

And We've Got Popcorn, Too!

When our new office was being remodeled at work, my boss's boss decided to play a little prank on the company 'pres. He put together a fake requisition form that read something like this:

"In other to provide stress relief for the programmers and break up the monotony of their 14-16 hour days:

Stress Relief1 Foosball table
1 Ms. Pacman arcade game
1 Carnival-style popcorn popper"

He'd priced it all out and everything... it was grand. Apparently the 'pres looked at my boss's boss with shock in his eyes and said, "Are you joking with me?" "Yes," was the immediate reply, muffled with laughter.

Once the "joke" moment had passed, the 'pres let slip that our company actually *does* have a carnival-style popcorn popper, which had never been used.

Primed and ready?

One thing led to another, and now we have a carnival-style popcorn popper in our office. We fired it up for the first time yesterday.


Yeah, I know. We weren't exactly feeding the five thousand here. ;)

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Photoshop Jeff Results: Book Cover

Book CoverThere were some really good ones, so let's get right to it. Your mission: take the pic of me on the right, and put me on a book cover. Your results:

We'll start with this one from Powerama... as he said, it's a terribly simple joke, but it *is* amusing.

These next two are from iCanSpell... be sure to click into these as they go by, there's detail in the tattoos and the fine print that's hard to make out at this size.

I did this next one... again, click into it if you want to enjoy the smallish text.

This one is from the Imp. It features, among other things, my favorite of the tattoos.

Finally, this one is from P-Ziddy. It's my favorite. There's lots of joy in the details of this one, so click it for a bigger version. :)

Check out this late Photoshop Jeff pic from Short-Timer!

I wish this 'mag really *had* existed when I was young'un. That last topic in particular... boy, I needed help! Thanks for the pic, Short-Timer.

Thanks to everybody who participated! You may now continue your week.

Past Photoshop Jeff Glory:

A link to ALL the Photoshop Jeff pics!


Monday, June 23, 2008

You're Invited

Time to feel the thunder!Last weekend, my wife and I went to see Kung Foo Panda with Big Dawg. 'Tis a great movie. It's a lot of fun. :)

After, we all went to the Olive Garden. We were sitting near another couple in the waiting area and chatting.

My wife mentioned that Big Dawg hasn't seen our house yet. Speaking in Big Dawg's general direction, she said, "We'll let you come over one evening and we'll cook dinner for you."

The awkward part of this invitation was that the other couple was kinda sitting between us and Big Dawg. With a big grin on his face the Unintended Gentleman said, "Sounds great!".

Gimmie 10 bucks; I'll cook for you a long timeThere was a brief pause for laughter, and then I said, "For you... there *might* be a cover charge."

Looks like my wife and I will have to put a big price tag on our dinners to keep the riff-raff out.

Friday, June 20, 2008

T-Shirt Designs

Some fun T-Shirt Designs:

I am answer man.

Would the target audience for this shirt understand it?

This one is *perfect* for P-Ziddy.

This one made me think of my grandfather.

This one made me think of my sister.

This one is my personal favorite.

And this one would really annoy my wife's sister-in-law. :)

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Dog On A Hot Tin Roof

Photoshop Jeff update!... I have a pic from the Imp! It's grand... I especially like the tattoo she gave me. I'll show it off sometime next week... send YOUR pics in, and you can be part of the fun!

My wife and I saw this in the Lowes parking lot as we were leaving:

I can see my house from here!

For his tactical positioning, you have to give the pooch an A+. Simply brilliant.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Photoshop Jeff: Book Cover!

OK, here's how this one came into being. Remember the Freight Elevator that's near my desk at work? When metal shrieks against metal, it sounds like a woman screaming. There's a hydraulic thinger that sounds like a chorus of people saying "AAAAaaaahhhhhhh....". And yesterday, out of the blue, I heard a man's voice shout from the depths...

My mother didn't love me."Hey, you tattooed freak!"

I nearly lost it laughing. Apparently we have a tattooed freak in our maintenance crew. Or maybe it was an intruder... it's hard to tell from behind a metal door.

Anyway, I mentioned this to the Imp. She, in turn, mentioned it to P-Ziddy, who suggested (in a nice Sixth Sense parody) that "Jeff sees... Maintenance People?"

This was rightly identified as a lame ability. When I confessed to having many lame abilities, P-Ziddy suggested that I write a book. He even suggested a title:

"Living Lame: A Geek's Survival in a More Talented World."

Obviously, a Photoshop Jeff event was the logical next step.

So here I am, "Living Lame", and ready for my close-up. Put me on a book cover! Feel free to use any title you like. Oh, and note the rolled-up sleeves... tattoo me as you see fit. :)

Living Lame

As always, click into that picture for a much bigger one.


Tuesday, June 17, 2008


We celebrated my birthday a week late over at the in-law's place. It was nice... we had an outstanding steak dinner! They got me one of those nifty folding ladders, similar to the one in this video:

Thankfully, mine is from a more modern era, and much less likely to fold up on me while in use. :)

While I'm on this theme, let me say that if you ever have the opportunity to demonstrate a ladder for QVC or the Home Shopping Network... don't.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Happy Birthday(s)

My BD was two weekends ago, my sister's BD was last Friday. She and her clan, and I and my wife, met up at our parents' house for some fun.

My sister has three of the cutest kids in the world. :)

Youngest Nephew (2 years old)

Boo.While the big kids played in the larger swimming pool, he only wanted to be in the hot tub. Even then, he was scared of the "deep" area in the middle. As long as he could wander around the side of the tub, he was as happy as could be.

My sister gave him a small inner-tube. She was hoping that he'd float around in it, but he didn't want to have anything to do with it. He didn't even like it being in the hot tub with him... he kept pointing at it and saying, "Ow-oot! Ow-oot!"

Over in the larger pool, Niece and older Nephew heard the commotion. "We wanna see!" "You've seen him when he's unhappy before," I explained. "Oh," they agreed, and then got back into the pool.

Niece (6 years old)

Just do itNiece ran up to me early in the festivities and said, "Hey Uncle Jeff, pull my finger!". This was, to say the least, unexpected. I recovered and said, "I don't think I should do that." "C'mon Uncle Jeff, pull my finger!" I pushed on it instead. "That's not right! *Pull* it!" This went on for some time.

Later, when we opened presents, I got a pretty racy card from my sister. Absolutely hilarious, and very much not kiddo-friendly. Niece plopped down right in front of me. "Uncle Jeff, read me your card."

"Happy Birthday," I said, pretending to read. "Have a great birthday, and by the way ... no matter what, don't pull on Niece's finger."

Her eyes nearly popped out of her head. "It does *NOT* say that!" It was impressive. She managed to include shock, amusement, and denial all into one facial expression.

Oldest Nephew (8 years old)

FunkeysOldest Nephew is into something called "Funkeys". They are USB toys, and apparently are part of some online game. The more Funkeys you have, the more parts of the game you can play.

Nephew told everybody, "I just got a download, and now I'm at 2.0. I was at 1.8, but now I'm upgraded."

He got blank stares from everybody, but I knew what he meant. I love that boy. :)

Friday, June 13, 2008


I'm gonna make "Motivational Poster Friday" a regular feature of this blog. At least, I will until the first time I forget. Which could be any time now, really.

Oh, and by the way... today is my sister's birthday. :) Happy b-day, 'sis!





Thursday, June 12, 2008

Stories From My Past: Cookie Mobster

'C' is for 'Cookie', that's good enough for me!When I was a kiddo, my gramma made the very many bestest chocolate-chip cookies in all the whole wide world. She'd make them in batches of about 430 at a time, so we could have cookies that would last my sister and I almost 2 whole days.

Often, I'd get gramma's cookies in my lunch box to take to school with me. One day as I was eating my lunch, a big kid came by and said, "Those look good."

We expounded on the goodness of cookies in general and these in particular for a bit, and then he asked, "Can I have one?" "No." "I'll give you a nickel." "Yes."

This was before inflation, you seeWithout warning, a thriving business was born. I'd always eat a couple of the cookies myself, but the rest would go out first-come-first-serve to the "*I* gotta nickel!" crew. It wasn't that I was trying to make money, but once I'd said yes to the first guy, I couldn't say no to anybody else without being accused of playing favorites. I was stuck.

I was also in trouble when Mom found out. From then on, when she packed my lunch she'd ask me, "How much of this are you gonna sell?"

A young Donald TrumpIt's rough, being a young entrepreneur.

I tell this story because of a story The Golfer told me recently. It seems that he had a similar experience selling cookies from *his* lunch pail as a kid. He would take his cookies and sell them for a quarter each. He finally got caught when his mom asked him where all his extra change was coming from.

I could have been selling my cookies for a quarter each! Man.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Give 'Em Heck!

If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?Yesterday, a situation came up with one of the "3rd Party" companies we do business with. An update needed to be made... however, this company has a long proud history of ignoring our needs and requests. With a sinking feeling in my gut, I looked at the simple changes that would need to be made. It felt like I was trying to cut down a mighty Sequoia with a butter knife.

So, I submitted my request to our contact in that company. And to his boss. And to my boss. And to many others in both companies. And then, just for fun, I threw in my favorite blunt object. He doesn't have a nickname on my blog yet, and I'm having trouble coming up with one. Therefore, I christen him, "Blunt".

After the primary email was sent, I gave Blunt a follow-up that said, "These idiots have been ignoring our requests for weeks now. Could you please harass them a bit for me?"

Blunt's reply gave me great hope, as well as a large dose of unintended humor. He said, "Lucky for us, harassment is only of the things I do well."

Then, he promptly started sending out emails and making calls of his own. "Harass" is a kind way of describing what he did to them.

I *LOVE* the people I work with! The right tool for the right job. :)

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

For Dad

Dad'll look FABULOUS!Father's Day is coming up, and J.C. Penny has some interesting gift ideas for you to consider!

Perfect for the man who only *thinks* he has everything.

It takes a brave man to carry a purse. Are *you* a brave man? Well? Are you?

Dad will look FABULOUS with one of these!

Monday, June 09, 2008


Saturday was my birthday (you didn't call, you didn't write... I see how you are). My bride and I celebrated by going to a Tulsa Talons football game. :)

Hut! Hut!Ah, I like Arena Football. It's not exactly the A-List of pro football, but the arena is small. Even at 10-15 rows back, you can see faces, hear collisions, everything. You can see the action so well, it's almost like being at home. Except, at the games, there's the possibility of having beer spilled on you.

Best seat in the house?We saw the cutest little "Swoop" doll. You can see him there on the left, sitting on that girl's knee. On her knee. The doll. No, not the girl... focus, people!

Anyway, Swoop is the Talon's mascot. I decided that I wanted one. We went by the merchandise table on our way out. Little Swoop was $20. I decided he wasn't worth $20.

Orville Clarence Redenbacher as a childWe also had some in-game entertainment from the little genius on our right. He turned a bucket of popcorn upside down... I saw butter and salt and crumbs pour out. Then without hesitation, he put the bucket on his head.

I have to say, in all honesty... I wish I'd thought of it first.

The other team had a kicker named Blanco who couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. He missed every extra point, and at least one kickoff went sideways into the stands.

Very near us were some True Believers with a whiteboard. Once Blanco started to prove his "worth", these guys would write little inpirational messages on the whiteboard. Then they'd hold it up where the other team could see it. The two messages I saw were, "Blanco is the kicker of the year", and "Blanco is shooting blancos."

Ah, fun. Too bad *you* didn't get to go. :)