Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Saw these at Target over the weekend.

*What* did she say?

Awesome. Especially that one on the right... I had a co-worker at my previous job who was famous for that phrase. One day he was mocking his own jumping ability. He laughed and said, "... me and my three-inch vertical." I hit him with "The Phrase". It was one of my proudest moments.

It's a testament to my frugality that I didn't come home with all of these signs. They were only a buck each.

"A testament to my frugality" sure sounds a lot nicer than what I could have said, don't you think?

Yeah, that's what *she* said, too.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Wake Up And Smell The Coffee

Mmmmm... Hazelnut!A woman in Iowa got a little something extra in her morning coffee. She found a bat in her coffee filter.

Please stop mocking meThe poor woman is being treated for rabies, and I'm sure she's has been traumatized. Even so, I can't help but laugh. There's no way to stop the giggles when the phrase "Holy foaming spittle, Bat-Man!" comes to mind.

Yo! A little privacy here, please?Perhaps the best part is the bit where she noticed the pre-marinated bat in her home, but "wasn't too worried about it." Honestly, when you see a disease-carrying mammal with pointy teeth in your home, it just doesn't pay to get all worked up about it. The other day I saw a snarling wolverine with glowing red eyes belching smoke in our guest bathroom. I just shut the door and decided to hold it until later. No harm, no foul.

Any requests?I remember once I found a old acoustic guitar in my coffee filter. Aside from a few splinters, there were no ill effects.

Walk it off, lady. You'll be fine.

Friday, September 26, 2008


You should consider finally deleting that Janet Jackson Super Bowl halftime show to make room for Knight RiderBig Dawg lost his TiVo remote last weekend. He's preparing for a move, so the theory is that he accidentally packed it. He ended up ordering a new one.

cat burgler haz yur walletBut it gets better. Thursday morning he woke up and couldn't find his glasses. The theory is that wherever he put them down, his cat found them and decided they were a toy. Big Dawg's glasses probably either got knocked under furniture, or into a box.

In other words, his cat packed his glasses for him. Sounds like something a cat would do, doesn't it? I bet he was kitty-giggling the whole time.

I suggested that Big Dawg invest in some RFID tags for all his important items. But the best suggestion came from Mr. Understatement, who simply said; "Have you considered not packing essentials?"
Don't make me hurt you
Bad Kitty!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Brain Mouse

*New* Brain Mouse! (Goth Princess Tiara sold separately)This looks like a cool toy. Check out the Neural Impulse Actuator "brain mouse".

It's a computer mouse that reads your mind. It's primarily for gamers. Apparently you can look at an on-screen enemy and think "click", and then watch him explode in a colorful ball of fiery delight. It just has to be able to register your thoughts.

I sed bendy stawz - yuz so firedThis is a toy I can never attempt to use. I'm terrified that it won't register any thoughts. I'd put on the headband, and a voice from the depths of the PC would say, "Any time now, OK? Just hook it up and... what? Are you serious? *sigh*... OK, somebody knock this limp over-grown bendy-straw out of the seat and hook me up to a Rhodes Scholar, will ya?"

I don't think I could live that down. There's no way to discretely try one, either. The only way to avoid onlookers would be to buy one and try it at home while my wife is out shopping. That would be expensive. Plus, how do I know that a toy so advanced isn't capable of wirelessly communicating with its evil masters?

"Bulletin... 9:44PM... Owner 59826 has toggled the power switch again... He's wearing the headband backwards... Requesting action from Repossession Department... Please... Save me..."

Trust me, Jack... I know lame when I see itAs superpowers go, "The ability to make machines cry" is pretty lame. Even Aquaman would mock me.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Today, We Mock My Art

I mentioned some time ago that I had an idea for a single-panel cartoon. I don't normally think about cartoons in the context of "creating" them, but I made a valiant attempt anyway.

Today, I share the fruit of my labor. I drew these on lined notebook paper and then scanned them. I think you'll find that it doesn't matter. Believe it or not, you're getting to see the good versions.

I'm out of ideas. Let's try a reboot.This one was intended to look like a doctor's office.

La-La, baby!The "Doctor" PC is supposed to be scratching his head. He's also supposed to be the one talking, but I decided not to split hairs. He looks like he's about to shout "Great Scott!" and soil himself. He also looks a bit like he's wearing a smurf hat.

The "Nurse" PC is the one holding the boot. I briefly considered adding a visual clue to point out the Doctor / Nurse thing, but then I remembered I was drawing solid lines and having trouble with it.

Ah, and that poor human... I don't know what's worse. He's got a skeletal foot, a missing face, and a protruding shoulder. He's nude except for one boot, as anatomically correct as a "Ken" doll, and is apparently playing "pull my finger" with himself.

It's all fun n' games until someone loses an eye.Let's move on.

This is my attempt at a baseball player. That's not a stick with a spider web up top, that's a baseball hat.

According to my "pixel" art on his face, the screen resolution must be a whopping 32 by 28. He's got two power buttons, which I like to compare to a double-chin.

Oh, and don't forget the baseball that's shattering his screen. You could tell it's a baseball, right?

You know, if any of you artsy-types are so inclined, I'd love to see what these things look like when drawn well.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Tales Of The Fajita Bridge

Honk-honk beep-beep n' stuffSo,... Monday there was a Motivational Seminar in Tulsa.

This came as a great surprise to most of us Downtown working drones. It was the first big mid-day event in the new BOK Center. Parking was an issue.

Thankfully, my parking lot was just far enough north that I didn't have a problem driving. Once I got on foot, I was all but knocking on the hoods of cars as I threaded my way through the used car lot / city streets. "You see me, right?... quit inching forward, m'kay?"

I hope those people were motivated to use their turn signals. Holy buckets.

I don't think he knows about second breakfast...Part of my parking-lot-to-office walk goes across a bridge on Main Street over some railroad tracks. End to end, I swear the thing smelled like steak fajitas. I have no idea why. It's longer than a city block, and by the time I got over the thing I was starving. Time for second breakfast!

For lunch, a large crowd of us went out to struggle for food against the obscenely large and highly-motivated BOK crowd. We settled on a place, and went through the line to place our orders. East Coast (a recent new-hire) was behind me in line. The lady asked him if he wanted a drink, and he asked for coffee. "What?", she asked. "Coffee?", he said, a little timid. "Oh," said the sammich lady. "I thought you said beer."

HyperGlow Caffeinated Beer - yes, it's a real productCaffeinated Beer, anybody? Yes, I see your hand in the back, P-Ziddy... anyone else? ;)

Monday, September 22, 2008

Sunday Morning

This is my goal.Sunday morning I decided to kick things off by making pancakes. I usually "halve" the recipe, but this time I decided to make extra so I could have leftovers for breakfast today.

I cranked out a pancake, and lo it was good. It was golden brown, floppy, and wrote "consume me" in the air with its warm little vapor trail. Pancake number 2 didn't do as well. There was still a vapor trail, but this one threatened to set off our smoke alarm. I placed the blackened mess off to the side.

Pancake three was entirely too big. It was also burned to a glossy black finish. It kinda looked like a scorched ceramic friction tile from the space shuttle.

Jeff's cooking! Put the fire department on speed dial!I eventually got my groove back, but had to throw away half the short-stacks. So much for breakfast leftovers. I also made us late to church.

This morning for breakfast I had to gnaw on an old gray shoestring. I washed it down with a large cold glass of shame.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Pac-Man Hats

Shiney!My favorite story of the week, by far. You need to click into this one.

Pac-Man Hats Go Haute Couture

This is real. This is from "London Fashion Week", which happened a week or so ago, I guess. "Haute Couture", of course, is French phrase that means, "Shiney Helmet". It's like Darth Vader, only more Chic.

I remember playing Pac-Man on my parent's Atari 2600 as a kid. Back then, if you had told me that British fashion models would one day walk the runway wearing stylish Pac-Man themed turbans, I would have given you a confused look and said, "Runways are for airplanes, silly." I was that kind of kid.

Most of the hats were variations on Pac-Man's shape, but my favorite (obviously) was the ghost. I'm not sure which ghost she's representing: Inky, Blinky, Stinky, or Raphael. I just know she's quite an improvement over the 2-dimensional spirits who haunted my nightmares.

Have a good weekend, all. As for me, I gotta pocket full of quarters, and I'm headed to the arcade.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Where Do All The Beautiful People Live?

Have you seen my precious?Not here.

American city with the ugliest locals? Philadelphia

Of all the metrics to study, I wonder why they picked ugly people. "The City With The Most Fantastic Foot Fungus" must have already been in the works. A rival research team probably had dibs on the "City With The Thickest Back Hair" study.

Heh. "Rival Research Teams". That's a fun phrase (and perhaps a good rock n' roll band name). I wonder if research teams form violent rivalries. Can't you just imagine our intrepid "Ugly People" team staring down the American Dental Association dudes in a dimly-lit pub? Somebody would knock over a drink, and the throw-down would begin. Bar-Fight!

4 out of 5 dentists recommend not letting your cat do thisEver wonder why only 4 out of 5 dentists approve of anything? Dentist number 5 was knocked out cold by a facial deformity expert wielding a broken table leg.

Yeah, it got ugly in there.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Horticultural Engineering

Ha! You thought I was makin' it up, didn't you? Here's the wildly anticipated horticultural blog post! Yeah, baby!


Anyway, Sunday I explored a new outlet for my creative genius. I took ordinary plant life and molded it into art.

Another way to look at it is that I took existing landscaping and trimmed it up real nice. To you I say, Skeptic! Killjoy! Communist! Just because you're right doesn't mean I can't passionately defend myself.

The hedges aren't as straight as they were the first time I worked on them, but I had a certified master gardener helping. Don't act so impressed... it was my father-in-law. You didn't think I'd pay for a master gardener, did you?

The way I look at it, it was win-win. I got to play with a noisy power tool (my hedge trimmers). Plus, I didn't cut through the power cord while I was doing it. I came close once, though. :)

If you'll indulge me just a moment, let's go back at look at that first pic' again...

Have you been watching "Wipeout"? It's sophomoric, but even so that show makes me laugh until I cry. Check out this poor childless (from this point forward) contestant trying to cross the "Big Balls":

Say what you will, but it's a heck of lot more entertaining than Season 2 of "Heroes".

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Rock Band

WE HAS BRINGED U A SHRUBBERYOK, I have a confession to make. Today's blog was supposed to be about horticultural engineering. No, seriously. I had it all written up and ready, and then I realized I had placeholders where I was supposed to have pics of my shrubbery (a nice one, not too big, ... NI!), and it's dark outside, so I can't take the pics, and my favorite NFL team is currently loosing on Monday Night Football, and so is my fantasy football squad. All in all, a poo-poo evening.

So, bear with me on this one. There's a common phrase among people who think that jokes are still funny after enthusiastic repetition. The thing is, this one kinda is. Or at least, you can argue the point. Sorta. Anyway, the phrase is, "That would be a GREAT name for a rock n' roll band!"

Elderly Security Dude and the HeartbreakersTry it the next time you hear a slightly unexpected turn of phrase. "I went to the store and waved to the elderly security dude." "Hey!... 'Elderly Security Dude' would make a GREAT rock n' roll band name!"

And so on.

Anyway, here's some great rock n' roll band names that I've thought up and/or heard over the past couple of months. See how many you can come up with. :)

Band NameHit Single
Legion Of The ConfusedWho Dey?
Remedial CursingDang Poot Heck
All-Of-A-Sudden JonesWhoosh! Gone!
Underage Chinese GymnastsGolden Pacifier
Meaty MarinaraGonna Need A Bigger Spoon, Babe
Funnel Of AgonyWhimper, Guy!
Accidental BrillianceOops I Did It Again
Pre-Existing ConditionImpending Amputation
Clandestine Milk ClubLiquid Gold
Braised DorkHe Sat On My Glasses
Ham SauceForever Dripping

Monday, September 15, 2008

A New Favorite

4 out of 5 dentists *love* his smileNot with a bang, but a ...
I was watching the OU / Washington Huskies college football game last Saturday. It really wasn't an exciting game, but I did find a new favorite player. One of the Washington players is named "White-Frisbee". Seriously.

I'm so sorry Guy Whimper... I used to love you, but now I've found another. The "Adjective-Noun" pairing is so much more flexible than the "Unfortunate Bodily Noise" grouping. After all, there's a finite number of noises your body can make, and not all of them are suitable for a PG blog.

Check out this comparison and tell me if you think I'm wrong.

WhimperMoanTootGAH!!!Hip Creak

Friday, September 12, 2008

How To Make A Deer Stand

It's Friday, and I'm takin' the easy way out. From an email I got recently, an example of Redneck engineering at its finest.

How to make a Deer Stand

Start with a small to medium size camping trailer

Pull it out to a likely looking area

Jam some poles in the ground

Use a couple of tractors with loaders

Raise it WAY UP (and fasten it!)

Drink a beer or two and step back to admire your work

Build a deck (so you'll have a place to sit outside and drink another beer)

Build some nice stairs so you don't have to go down a ladder while inebriated

Practice shooting deer with a piece of lumber

Can't live on beer alone. Don't burn down the deck though