Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Curiosity, Confrontation

Pardon me. It's getting late as I write this, so it may not all quite make sense.


To infinity... AND BEYOND!I've mentioned Lightyear once before. He stops by our office every now and then to say hi. He's a fun fellow who likes to tell stories.

In the middle of last week he found out I have a blog. He wrote down the address so that he and his wife could take a look.

Yesterday morning (Monday), he stopped by. He didn't say hello, like normal. Instead, he walked right up to me and said, "My wife and I want to know what you have against Arby's."

Well, they did make me violently ill once. But really, I don't have anything against Arby's. I just needed a scapegoat. :)


Office Chair?!?My Google Analytics report from yesterday had a fun thingy in it. Apparently, somebody from Belgium (yes, Belgium, I'm not making this up) typed "Metacow" into a search engine and found my site. Specifically, they found this moment of greatness from Metacow.

I'm at a loss as to why this could happen. Maybe Metacow knows somebody in Belgium. Or maybe "Metacow" is a Belgium word that means "Light of the world". Now that would be irony.

The Final Insult

As my wife was proof-reading this post, she saw the first line and said, "Aw... I'll help you make it sense."

*giggle*It took a second for me to catch her subtle joke. Then I nearly cried laughing.

Thanks, Honey. :)


Monday, July 30, 2007


Parade Of Homes

Parade of MESaturday we went on the "Parade Of Homes". The Tulsa Homebuilders Association put out a booklet with 181 new houses for folks to go and look at.

We got the booklet and started looking at Owasso homes. Our first thought was, "Let's find some places in our price range and check them out!". This idea quickly morphed into, "Let's find the most expensive places we can and have fun!".

Stately Wayne Manor300k in Owasso will buy you quite a home. Holy buckets. That one could have doubled as Wayne Manor.


We stopped by for a house-warming party at P-Ziddy's new place. It's a bit of a fixer-upper, but it still flat-out rocks. I love the game room, 'Zid!

I don't trust youP-Ziddy's dog forgot who I was again. But she warmed up to me a lot faster than she did the first time. Big Dawg, icanspell, and icandrink were all there, too. But since my timing stinks, they were leaving to go see a movie as we were arriving.


Finally, we went to see the Tulsa Talons final home game of the regular season. Unfortunately, not one of my predictions about the game came true. It was still a fun time, though.

Not the gift card! Anything but the gift card!Shortly after we arrived, the cheerleaders started handing coupons up into the stands. One came by me, and as I reached for the slips of paper I was thinking, "Oh, not a $50 Arby's gift card... anything but that!". Thankfully, it was just a free sammich from Quick Trip. :)

Friday, July 27, 2007


Swoop!Tomorrow, my wife and I are going to see the Tulsa Talons final regular-season home game. I think it's gonna go something like this:

At the gate: As we walk in, buzzers will sound and confetti will fall as it is announced that I am the 1,000'th fan to enter the arena. They give me a $50 Arby's gift card. I decline.

Yay me!1st Quarter, 2 minutes into the game: Tulsa scores its first touchdown of the night. The player tosses the ball up into the stands in celebration. I make a leaping one-handed grab and come down with the ball. Souvenir!

BOOM!, Baby!End of 1st Quarter: The cheerleaders come out to Rah! Rah! Rah! and throw freebies into the stands. One of them tosses a free t-shirt right to me. Smitten by my bold manly beauty, she trips over the mascot's oversized feet and falls face-first into the turf.

I've got a crush on ME!2nd Quarter, 2 minutes to go: In the stands, a drunk fan mistakes me for Barack Obama. As I happily sign an autograph for him, he wishes me luck in the upcoming election.

Halftime: An armed man is trying to rob the concession stand. As he attempts to make his get-away, he bumps into me and trips. He is easily caught, and I am hailed as a hero. Grateful stadium officials reward me with a $50 Arby's gift card. I decline.

Return to Sender3rd Quarter, 5 minutes in: A brutal hit results in a player's helmet flying off. It bounces up into the stands, off the peanut vendor's head, and lands near my wife. She hands the helmet to me, but the referees insist that I return it to the damaged player.

Don't cry for me...End of 3rd Quarter: The cheerleaders take the field again for more Rah! Rah! Rah! and freebie tossing. The one with the heavily-bandaged face is still not completely in tune with her surroundings. She sees me and starts to cry. Looking around sheepishly, I make "Who, me?" gestures and quickly sit down.

Slowpoke Rodriguez - The slowest mouse in all of Mexico4th Quarter, 4 minutes to go: An illegal family of Mexicans is discovered to be living in the oversized head of Tulsa's mascot. Play is suspended while all nine are rounded up and given jobs with ODOT's road crews.

Buff McRockhardPost-Game: Tulsa wins a thriller, 54-52. Most of the un-bandaged cheerleaders have become smitten by my rugged charm and obvious wealth. They wave to me from the field. One shouts, "Take off your shirt!" My wife suggests that I not. I listen to her.

As we head off to the car, a scrap of litter catches my eye. I pick it up. It's a $50 Arby's gift card. *sigh*

Thursday, July 26, 2007


The marker fumes are starting to get to me.My famous "To Do" list on my whiteboard has gone through some changes. I'm on a large-scale project, so all the other line-items have gone away. My one monolithic project is listed with a priority of "1, 2, and 3 - please drive through".

Slim has had a lot of fun with this. He's come by daily to deal with one thing or another, but he'll always pause at my whiteboard long enough to write "Something for Slim" as the second line item.

He loves me? He loves me NOT!A couple of days ago, I modified this line item instead of erasing it. I changed it to say, "Confess love for Slim?". He was greatly amused.

Yesterday, Slim hit us with big news - he has put in his two week's notice. Slim will be moving on to a bigger, better opportunity for him. Obviously, this means a daily distraction will go away. At the same time, we're gonna miss you, Slim!

Out to lunchTherefore, in honor of the occasion, I modified the second line item yet again. It now says, "Take Slim to lunch." It has a priority of 1.

Congratulations, Slim! I don't know exactly when we're going to take you to lunch, but I'm guessing it'll be some time next week.

Oh, and you're paying. ;)

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


Living Will (from a forwarded email)

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.


This little squirrel has got quite a talent.


And finally, the best reason I've ever seen to not be in a Filipino prison.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Special Security

None shall pass.Driving home one day last week, I found myself behind a car belonging to a local private security company. I've seen the car before... generally the driver putters slowly through the neighborhoods near mine. I can only assume that he is the reason there are so few crimes near my apartment out in the open in broad daylight.

Tiny wingAnyway, I was amused by the driver's oversight. Apparently he had recently filled up the gas tank, but had forgotten to close the little door over his gas cap. It looked like a tiny wing.

Adding to the humor of the moment was the logo on the back of the car. It read, "Not your typical security company".

NIP IT!Well yes. I can see that. Thanks for pointing out the obvious there, Deputy Fife. :)

Monday, July 23, 2007

En Fuego

TorchedAbout a month ago, one of our distant neighbors got a bit happy with his small BBQ grill. He had apparently loaded it up with food and charcoal, tossed a match, and then abandoned ship for points unknown. He must have forgotten an appointment at the hair salon or something.

He had none of the problems that I've had getting his grill hot enough. He's a natural, it would seem. His tiny little grill nearly turned into a molten pile of slag while he was out.

Whee-Oooh! Whee-Oooh!My wife and I found out about all of this midstream, shortly after the fire truck went screaming past on the way to his apartment. We quickly joined the community of concerned onlookers... which is just another way of saying we were bored and looking for a free show. Sadly, Slappy McFirebug didn't return while the firemen were there.

I'm small and cute. Love me!The next day, we walked by to see what the fallout was. There was a small burned-out patch in the grass. Our responsible, concerned, distant neighbor had taken one look at the spot where his grill used to be, and then he took action. He'd replaced the grill.

Fast forward one month.

I feel happy...Yesterday, my wife and I were out walking again. We walked by Slappy's apartment, and noticed that there was no grill in his yard. We looked up at his balcony and saw the charred grey-ish black remains of a once-proud (and once red) grill. The poor fool had done it again.

I don't think he has another replacement grill. Maybe he'll get one tomorrow.

Friday, July 20, 2007

How Not To Get A Library Card

Containers of wisdom. Mostly.Last Friday, Big Dawg and I went to the downtown public library to get library cards. Partly we did this to be silly, but partly ... well, OK, it was mostly silly. Still, I can see me using the card every once in a while to check stuff out.

Anyway, they wouldn't give me a library card. The lady at the counter said I looked shifty.

What? Me? You can trust me!"Shifty?" I was incredulous. "You're calling me shifty?"

She went on to explain that she had zero confidence in my willingness to return items. She said I looked like someone who would take and take and take. She said I personified pure greed.

I was stunned. I politely explained to her that while I am not the biggest fan of international copyright laws, I do in fact have a healthy respect for the concept of ownership of physical items. She would hear none of it, though. She called security.

Not in the face! Not in the face!I have been physically thrown out of a library. They scuffed my nice shoes.


Sweet, sweet success!Actually, almost none of that is true. It just sounded more amusing than the truth. I couldn't get a card because I didn't have anything with my current address on it. Big Dawg got his card last Friday, I went back and got mine on Monday.

Ah, comedy.

Thursday, July 19, 2007


Hey Little Dude

Wanna buy a stereo?Walking back from lunch earlier this week, I walked past a guy sitting on a park bench in the middle of downtown. He had a big stereo "boom box" sitting next to him.

"Hey Little Dude," he said to me. "Wanna buy a stereo?"

I politely declined as I walked by.

The part that gets me is the "Little Dude" comment. I'm just a hair under six feet tall. It still boggles my mind sometimes that people think of me as "little". Heck, if I could just gain 200 pounds or so, I could play Defensive Line.

Rumblin', Stumblin'...Hmm. 200 pounds underweight.


Perhaps I am a bit smallish.

Paging Joe-Pa

One of my lunch haunts is just on the other side of a Home Depot. While walking through the parking lot the other day, I heard an announcement over their loudspeakers.

Nuts! I'm gonna miss my call!"Joe Paterno, please pick up on line 2. Joe Paterno, please pick up on line 2."

I know I heard the first name correctly. I'm also pretty sure I didn't hear the last name correctly. :)

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Mad Dogg vs IT

DilbertMad Dogg had a Dilbert moment yesterday. He was all excited about it, so he called me.

"Hey man, I just had the stupidest thing happen to me, and I knew you could relate to this one."

"Oh, so when you think about stupidity, you automatically think of me?"

Mad DoggAfter digging himself out of that hole, Mad Dogg continued with his story. It seems that an IT guy came by his desk yesterday and announced that he had a work order to move him.

"I'm moving?" said Mad Dogg, muchly surprised. "Yup," said the IT guy. "Let's look at the work order here, and see where you're moving to." There was a brief pause. "You're moving here."

The IT guy was obviously surprised. He had gotten a work order to move Mad Dogg, but the destination desk was the same as his current location.

StinkyI can't blame the IT guy for abandoning the task. I wouldn't touch Mad Dogg *or* his stuff with a 10-foot pole, either. ;)

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

All That And A Bag Of Chips, Part 2

Sunday after church, we brought Scruffy over to our place and fed him lunch. It was fun to have a guest over, especially one who complains as little as Scruffy does. :)

HumbleThen, the three of us went to a couple of open houses (Scruffy was moral support)! I'm terribly excited. We are not in a hurry to buy anything, but I'm so glad we're looking.

The first house was right in our price range. However, it would require some repairs before we could move in. Nothing too major, but it would add to the expense. Plus, I'm lazy.

ExtravagantThe second house was stellar. The landscaping was great. The master bedroom / bathroom was dreamy. Unfortunately, the current owners are well aware of how sweet their house is, and the price tag relected it. Ouch.

Ah well. Baby steps. :) We'll get there.

PotholeLater that afternoon, my wife and I went to Big Splash. Big Splash rocks when you've got a season pass. Just don't park in that muddy torn-up mess of a parking lot they've got this year. Park in the Expo Center lot and ride the shuttle.

Anyway, I was goin' up the stairs to ride the "flume" slides. The same stairs lead up to the "Silver Bullet", which is Big Splash's tallest slide. Not a good slide for someone with vertigo (like me), so I avoid it.

3 kids showed up in line behind me. They were either pre-teen, or just a little older. The one boy was trying to convince the two girls to go down the Silver Bullet with him.

Wait a minute...do I even really *have* a sister?"C'mon!," he wailed. "Even my little *sister* rides it, and she's only... um... I don't know how old she is."

I don't want to fallI probably would have commented, but I was busy holding onto the guard rail for dear life. Dang vertigo.

Monday, July 16, 2007

All That And A Bag Of Chips, Part 1

Friday Night

I'm small and cute. Love me!Friday night was another attempt at grilling. It went much better than my first attempt (not that the first attempt was hard to top). I managed to cook 4 burgers and 2 hot dogs!

Granted, it was like sticking the stuff into an oven at 200 degrees or so. It took a long time to complete the process. And to say that the hot dogs were "cooked" would be a bit generous. They were warm.

TorchedI think I'm not using enough coal. Next time, I shall use more coal. Way more. My eyebrows had better watch out.


Saturday we had lunch with Scruffy at a Mexican place, and we invited him to go bowling with us. He declined, saying that it sounded like too much exercise.

I worry about Scruffy.

Bowling is great, but...Anyway, we (my wife and I) went bowling Saturday afternoon. I like to bowl, I've just never done it enough to be good at it. Saturday was no exception. I did manage to bowl 165, so that's the positive spin. But it took me two games to get my score that high.

I'm not a good bowler.

My wife went over 100 with her first score, blowing away my pathetic little 80. I won the second game, although all I could manage was an 85 and a thumb bruise.

... I wish I didn't stink at it.I wish I didn't stink at bowling.

Sunday stories tomorrow! (unless something crazy happens today).

Friday, July 13, 2007

Short Bits Of Nothing, Really

Not Exactly Big DawgA couple of days ago, Big Dawg and I noticed a public library not too far from where we work.

I'd noticed the library many times before, but hadn't really thought anything of it. Then Big Dawg saw it and said, "Hey, I havn't had a library card in years!" Suddenly, the seeds of an idea were planted. Today, Big Dawg and I are goin' to get library cards during our lunch break.

We're livin' the dream, baby.

whee!Speaking of livin' a dream, this is the last week of freedom for Fyrebaugh. He gets married next week... congrats, man!

Lastly, some youtube amusement for you. Personally, I don't hate iPhones. I actually think they're kinda cool, although I sure as heck am not going to pay that price for one. Even so, I find stuff like this pretty amusing.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Short Story

To infinity... AND BEYOND!There's a guy from another department who often comes by our office to say hi. He's an older fellow who I'm going to call "Lightyear".

Lightyear came by a few days ago to say hi. During his brief conversation he referred to Big Dawg as "The New Guy."

After Lightyear had left, I asked, "Does he know you have a name?" "I don't think so," Big Dawg replied with a grin.

Farmer chimed in. "Maybe we should call you by a different name every time he comes in, just to confuse him."

This thought amused me, so I carried it a little further. "Hey Lightyear, have you met Barry? He's new. Hey Lightyear, have you met Roger? He's new." Then I went for the punchline. "Hey Lightyear, have you met Melinda?"

Melinda!It's advisable not to picture Big Dawg as a "Melinda". Your mind's eye might go blind.


Wednesday, July 11, 2007

"To Do" List Revisited

I will launder your super-suitA little over a week ago, I mentioned my "To Do" list at work. I had added some silly items to the list as a joke.

Yesterday, a lengthy conversation resulted in some new ideas for items to put on my "To Do" list. I hope you enjoy. :)

Project Priority
Incite Minor Mayhem3
Distress Marketing2
Construct Facsimile of Self3
Attempt To Be Only Slightly Unethical2
Send Super Suit Out To Cleaners2
Develop Maniacal Laugh1
Wash Nacho Cheese Out Of Stanley Cup1
Be Expansive And Benevolent2
Change Oil On Millennium Falcon2
Have Hair Re-braided3
Renew License To Kill1
Commit And Regret It2
Leave A Footprint In The Sands Of Time1
Dare To Be Stupid1
Successfully Inform And Bridge A Global Audience3
Do The Hokey Pokey2
Provide Unsolicited Advice And Charge For It.1
Re-ink Previously Removed "Ted" Tattoo2
Slap The Guy Who Invented "Zima"1
Explore Whether Hush Puppies Are Larval Pop Tarts3
Dangle Participles With Wild Abandon2
Write A To-Do List1
Be Uncannily Accurate3
Buy Fruit To Construct Carmen Miranda Hat3
Open Lemonade Stand2
Get Treatment For Disco Fever3
Cancel Scientology Donation Check1
Challenge Paradigm2
Give Pandora Her Box Back3
Scar P-Ziddy Emotionally For Life1
Act Out Random Scenes From The Shining3
Pass Go. Collect $2001
Question Sanity. Loudly2
Live Long And Prosper2
Chew Through Headphone Cable. Get Electric Shock. Collect Cheese.1
Count Bottles Of Beer On Wall2
Randomly Erase Other Items1

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Musings From Sunday

My church kicks hinder. Why? Because it starts at 10 on Sunday mornings, instead of 10:30 like most do. That means we're generally out by 11:20 - 11:30. That means that we can easily make it down to Tulsa for lunch before noon. We're done with lunch early enough to easily catch an early afternoon movie matinee, and then be home before dinner.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

ThE MaSTeR WanTS yOU bUt hE CAn'T HavE YoUSunday's lunch was at TGI Friday's. There was a fellow diner there who had some kind of ankle support thing happening. He had long pants on, and they bulged big-time right where the bell-bottoms would have been 3 decades ago. I'm sure there was a legit medical reason for him to need the ankle support. It just looked for all the world like he had watermelons in his pants.

More than meets the eyeThe afternoon movie matinee was Transformers! Ah... sweet nostalgia. This is what they looked like in my imagination, when I was playing with them on the bedroom floor ignoring my mom's requests to come to the table for supper.

Ah, if only this story had a punch-line. Oh well. Imagine something funny, then laugh at it for me. I'll take credit for it. Thanks!