Monday, November 28, 2011

Adventures In Decorating

It wouldn't surprise me at all to see this on a neighbor's house
I hung up my lights early this year, like I always do. I prefer to hang the lights in late October / early November, because I don't like freezing on the top of a ladder. Heck, one year I actually hung the lights in shorts and a t-shirt.

We tested the lights before putting them up. All worked. We tested the lights after they went up. They all worked.

Weeks passed. Thanksgiving passed. Time to turn on the lights for real! The inflatable Santa rose like the mighty Phoenix. The bulbs glowed. All was well. "We're done with the lights!", I declared.

A half hour later, my wife looked out out window and said a surprising word. She followed that up with, "Some of the lights are out."

Both of these died on me this year
We lost half a string of icicle lights. Right in the middle of a big run of lights around the gutter. Naturally, the section directly above the landscaping, which requires a tall ladder and some interesting acrobatics to get near. Swell.

I got that string of lights replaced. It was cold, but I dared not complain. All of the lights came on. "We're done with the lights!", I declared.

That very night, the lights came on. Santa rose from the ground, and then fell over again a half-hour later.

We fried my Santa.

The new Santa!
So, now we've replaced Santa. I usually put outlet covers on the ends of all the light strings, just as an extra precaution against water and ice (overkill, I know). I took one off and brought it inside.

"We're done with...", my wife began. I cut her off.

"No! Don't say that. We're not done until I put this outlet cover on the end of the last string of lights."

I put the cover in a box. I figure, if we're never actually *done* out there, then nothing else will pop.

Wish me luck.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving, 2011

No one can see me...Have a good long weekend! :)

Monday, November 21, 2011

Colin And Brad I Love You

Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood (from Whose Line is it Anyway?) brought their improv comedy show back to Tulsa!

They were here in February of 2007, and I wrote up a review. The show was different this time, because, well, you know... improv.

I won't bother with an exhaustive review this time, because I have to tell you about LadyPatsFan. She and her husband were in the audience and GOT CALLED UP ON STAGE! It was pretty grand. They did a "game show" skit with the guys where they just moved their mouths and Colin / Brad supplied the voices.

LadyPatsFan's character was Penelope, a "Part-time Pilates Instructor and full-time alcoholic." They had her breaking out into song and dancing around in stumbling circles.

Her husband's character was a "Life Cheerleader" - cheering for people who feel down and need a boost. Colin started up a generic "rah! rah! rah!" cheer, which LadyPatsFan's husband illustrated by pumping one arm and otherwise standing perfectly still. He looked like he was pulling the horn on an 18-wheeler.

My duty was clear. I sent email to everybody in my office. On Monday, with any luck, everybody will be calling LadyPatsFan "Penelope." Also, everybody will be cheering with one arm.

Monday should be fun. :)

Monday, November 14, 2011

Taking A Break

I've decided to take a break from writing for this blog for a little while. I'm gonna take a week off, maybe longer. I'll just kinda wait and see when inspiration hits again.

In the meantime, I may post an occasion forward from my email archive. Like today, for example. :)

The truth about MEN

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Friday, November 11, 2011


From the email archive:


Alerts to Threats in 2011 Europe
by John Cleese

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the B######s." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

John Cleese
British writer, actor and tall person

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Almost A Winner

OoRah approached me with a glum look on his face. "Bad news."

I had a suspicion about this, so I made a guess. "You didn't win the lottery."

OoRah nodded. "Now I can't buy you a car."

I was touched by his theoretical generosity, and little burned by his glaring failure. "I'll make a note to verbally berate you later. I'm just not feelin' it right now."

OoRah sighed heavily. "I don't understand... it was 245 million. That's exactly how much I feel like I should have won."

I felt a sympathetic tug at my heartstrings. It was glass-half-full time. "Well, on the positive side, you don't have to quit your job."

He nodded. "True. Now I've got a reason to get up in the morning."

And now it was time to tow the company line. "We provide your life with meaning. You're welcome."

I'm not sure he believed me.

Monday, November 07, 2011

Thin Mint Enforcer

Unholy. Addictive. Come get some.
Last year, around "Girl Scout Cookie" time, Big Dawg bought a case of Thin Mints. Then, because he knows how much self-control he has (none), he set me up as his Thin Mint Enforcer.

I locked the addictive goodies in a desk drawer. My task is to give him one box of cookies per month. In exchange for my services, he gave me one free box of Thin Mints (I bribe easily).

The pattern has always been that on the last day of the month, I hang around until after Big Dawg leaves for the day. Then, I put a box of Thin Mints in a drawer of his desk. When comes into work on the first of the month, he knows to open his desk drawer. The happy dance soon follows.

Able to leap tall paperclips in a single bound!
Last Monday was October 31st, and I shook things up a bit. I snuck a box of cookies into his desk drawer while he was in the bathroom. Then, I sent him an email that simply said, "I put a thing in the place."

Big Dawg returned, sat down, then saw my email.

From over the cube wall I heard him muttering... "Thing in the place... thing in the place... thing in the.... OH! THING IN THE PLACE! WHOO-HOO!"

A thing in the place
The desk drawer slammed shut, and Big Dawg headed off to put his bounty in the break room freezer (cold Thin Mints are the best!). He danced all along the way.

After he left work that day, I took his cookies out of the break room freezer and put them back in his desk drawer.

'cause I gotta be me. :)

Friday, November 04, 2011

Church Signs

From the email archive... The third one is my personal favorite, although the last one is probably a close second.

Happy Friday! It's a good day. :)

Wednesday, November 02, 2011


This hunting season, OoRah is growing a beard.

He told me, "I was talking to my wife and oldest daughter... I said, 'If I shoot a doe, I'll shave this down to a goatee. If I shoot a buck, I'll shave it all off. But if [oldest daughter] shoots a deer before I do, I'll shave my head.'"

Oldest Daughter's reply was swift. "No you won't!"

OoRah grinned big at this point in the story. "You know what that means, right?", he asked me. "She's finally at an age where I can embarrass her in public. YES!"

He did a fist pump and everything. When I finally got my laughter under control, I said "This is a glorious time for you. Enjoy it!"

OoRah cackled. "Oh, I plan to."

"It's like your golden years, only without the arthritis."


I'm so glad he's not my dad.