Thursday, May 31, 2007

Three Little Stories

I'm always right. You will obey me unconditionally.My wife's aunt is a ... well, let's call her a confident person. She is confident that she is never wrong. Case in point:

Our wedding anniversary is May 19th. Aunt Commando sent us an anniversary card. It eventually got to us, but it took at least a week longer than it should have. when it arrived, we could see that the address was written down wrong. She was off by one number.

My wife's mother called Aunt Commando to ask her about this. "They got the Christmas cards I sent," she angrily claimed. "I obviously had the correct address for them. They just must have moved."

Not quite yet...It was a long time before I stopped laughing at that one. "They just must have moved." Sure we did. We moved half a block north, and told everybody except one persnickety aunt. We're mean like that.


I shall hunt you down and detroy you.Last weekend, my wife and I were sitting out on our second-story balcony, enjoying the cool post-rain breeze. Two little boys (prolly age 6-ish) ran out to play. They decided to play hide-and-go-seek.

In the apartment yard we overlook, there's really not too many places to hide. One of the boys ran over to hide in some bushes that were only a few feet away from our balcony.

The "seeking" boy opened his eyes and was looking around for his friend. I waved to catch his attention, and then pointed silently over at the bushes near us. His face lit up like it was Christmas. He dove off into those bushes and easily chased down his friend.

Me and my lazy hinderFor the first time in at least a couple of decades, I got to participate in a game of hide-and-go-seek, and I didn't even have to get up off my lazy hinder to do it.


There's a Hispanic family that lives in the apartment building across from us. The alpha male is a friendly gentleman with a long graying beard.

Every girl's crazy 'bout a Spanish manLast weekend he went out into the yard to do some grilling. He put on a big floppy hat while we was workin'. He looked like a Mexican ZZ Top.

There's no point to this story. I just found the visual to be very amusing. :)

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Photoshop Jeff Results!

I *LOVE* each any every one of the pics I got for this edition of the Photoshop Jeff nonsense. Let's get right to it.

Here's the original pic. The theme was "Motivational Poster".

Triumphant Jeff

Each picture can be clicked into to make biggies.

These first two came from Metacow:

Pupose: We all have a job to do. Mine is to hold up this wall.

Purpose: We all have a job to do. Mine is to hold up this wall.

Crucifixion: HR isn't messing around any more.

Crucifixion: HR isn't messing around any more.

This next one is actually from me! It's based on an inside joke from a few weeks ago, but I think (hope) I gave you enough in the description for it to be funny on its own. Please Note: I used a racial slur in this one, but according to our society's rules of Political Correctness, it's OK as long as the target is white. *sigh*

Honky Reads: Celebrating other things that 'HR' could stand for.

Honky Reads: Celebrating other things that 'HR' could stand for.

This one is from the Farmer.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

This one is from Kinzee.

Strength: Some got it, some know how to fake it

Strength: Some got it, some know how to fake it.

This one came from Short-Timer, and I love it! He made me into a superhero!


Ah, but then there's this one. This one came from Powerama, and it's my favorite. Not only did he make me a superhero, but he also inserted me into my favorite show. :)


Thanks again to all who participated! As usual, the entire set of photos (including the previous encounter) can be found here.


Tuesday, May 29, 2007

From His Office To Mine

It happened again. But ... well, this one was odd.

I saw a Rainn Wilson look-alike last Friday on my way back to the office from lunch. He was a little taller and a little thinner than the real deal. And he had a yellow ... er ... thing in his hair.

Rainn WilsonI didn't want to stare, because he saw me notice him. There was the whole, "Hey, don't you look like...?" thing goin' on. But there was also the "Why do you have a yellow Christmas bow in your hair?" thing to further confuse matters.

It may not have actually been a Christmas bow. I didn't get a good look. But, and I'm not making this up, he had a cutsie little yellow *something* on the top of his head. It was weird.

Also of note: Commonly, when I post a psuedo-celebrity sighting like this, I'll get jokes from V about my lack of an Elmo sighting. Well, thanks to P-Ziddy, I know why I haven't seen Elmo lurking around anywhere. It's because the poor fellow is dead.

Poor Elmo.


Monday, May 28, 2007

Happy Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day!

Happy Memorial Day!

Standard silly nonsense will resume tomorrow.

Note: Photoshop Jeff results will likely be posted on Wednesday.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Not Much

I don't have much for you today. Hey, it's Friday, right? You don't need me to make you happy on a Friday.

Anyway, here's a timely funny:

Assume the position

I've received several Photoshop Jeff pics, some of which are MAGNIFICENT. Keep it up! Sometime next week (prolly Wednesday-ish) I'll post them.

Happy Memorial Day!And finally, Monday is Memorial Day. I likely will not post a blog story on Monday.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

That Ain't Right...

There's a site out there called "My Heritage", with a nifty (?) feature to help you discover what celebrity you look like.

I wonder how exactly they figure that I look like some of these people... (click to make biggies)

I look like who?

This one is a lot easier to swallow (kind of a bad pun there, I think). It's the Planet M&M's Character Creator.

Yay! I'm an M&M!


BTW - Keep sending in "Photoshop Jeff" things. I'll make a special blog post for them all next week.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Photoshop Jeff Redux

I've been thinking about this one a while, and it's just time to do it again.

The theme this time is "Motivational Poster". You know the type. There's the legit ones, like "Perseverance" here:

Perseverance: What the
mind can conceive and
believe, it can achieve.
Perseverance: What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.

Then, there's the parody posters, like "Meetings" here:

Meetings: None of
us is as dumb as
all of us.
Meetings: None of us is as dumb as all of us.

Well, here's little ole' me:

Triumphant Jeff

Make a poster out of me! Legit, silly, whatever comes to mind. As before, I'll post everything I get unless they really stink. And even then, I might post it anyway.

Here's the previous "Photoshop Jeff" adventure, in case you missed it.


Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Psuedo-Celeb Overload!

Things got crazy during the whole Tulsa Symphony Orchestra adventure. Almost-Celeb's were coming' out of the woodwork to amuse and horrify me. Five total!

Drew BarrymoreFirst up, was Drew Barrymore, sorta. She was our waitress at dinner before the show. She looked a lot like Drew, except that her hair was brunette and she wore glasses.

At the symphony, things really got cranking. In the crowd, I saw:

John CleeseJohn Cleese. The guy was a dead ringer. I was in awe. I had to fight an urge to ask him if he had noticed the violence inherent in the system.

Richard SimmonsA young Richard Simmons. Same hairstyle (no graying or balding, of course), same hands-on-hips stance, same goofy smile. There is, of course, only one thing to do when you encounter a Richard Simmons look-alike. Run.

Amanada PlummerAmanda Plummer. This one is a little obscure. She played Honey Bunny in Pulp Fiction. Thankfully, she wasn't shooting anybody during the performance.

Jack BlackFinally, in the orchestra itself, I saw a Jack Black look-alike! He was in the back row of violins. This was the "fuzzy-haired bearded" incarnation of Mr. Black.

Elmo!Sadly, Elmo remains MIA (Sorry, V!).

History of sightings:
John Ratzenberger.
John Belushi.
Charlie Chaplin.
Sammy Davis Jr.
Sherlock Holmes.
Carol O'Conner.
Charles Barkley.
Al Sharpton, Hurley (again), Santa.


Monday, May 21, 2007


No, not the Trans-Siberian Orchestra... the Tulsa Symphony Orchestra!

Tulsa Symphony OrchestraSaturday was our 6th anniversary, and it was also the final concert of TSO's season. We got to attend, because it's hard to say no to $5 tickets. The concert started at 7:30 and lasted almost until 10!

Here's the pieces they performed, along with some of my thoughts about each:

J.S. Bach/arr. Respighi - Passacaglia in C minor
Jeff says: Large, Vibrant

Barber - Adagio for Strings, Op.11
Jeff says: Delicate, Otherworldly

Respighi - Church Windows, Four Impressions for Orchestra
Jeff says: Thoughtful, Narrative

Tchaikovsky - Symphony No. 5 in E minor, Op.64
Jeff says: Proud, Unstoppable

Yeah, that's right. I've taken four great works and reduced each of them to 2 descriptive words each. Try and stop me! Hah!

Flappity-Flappity-FlappityThe conductor was a very animated fellow. I was concerned that he would step off the edge of his podium. After the first half-hour or so, I realized that he was in no danger. His arms were flappin' wildly enough that his feet barely touched the ground for more than a few seconds at a time.

Ha-choohey!There was lots of crowd noise during this thing, too. Coughs and "Harumph" noises were common. There was one especially emphatic "Hawwwwrh-chhoooospstpt!" during a tender moment in the Tchaikovsky symphony.

Even so, the performances were magnificent. I'd highly recommend it.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Fifty Years of Math 1957 - 2007

From a forwarded email I received:

(note: Like me, you've probably seen this before. However, there's actually a new entry at the bottom of the list that just about knocked me over laughing)


Math is hard.Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950's

A logger sells a truck load of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960's

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970's

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980's

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

6. Teaching Math In 2007

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Three Stories

Yesterday, when I came into work, I saw this on my whiteboard:

Where's Jeff?

Apparently, there was some confusion.

With visions of Lucy Van Pelt in my head, I updated the whiteboard:

Ah. There's Jeff.

Good Grief!

================There's a spot for everybody!

Downtown Tulsa is setting up for Mayfest. When I stepped outside for lunch, I saw several vendors setting up tents. I also saw a truck pulling a trailer that had a long line of porta-potties on it.
Ah, Spring is in the air.


And finally (so Fyrebaugh won't worry), I got my car back yesterday. I hope I can keep it for longer than a month this time.

I deserve a better owner!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Miracle Of Ice

It's bad for you!Yesterday for lunch, I was a Chinese Food Eater. The Golfer and I went to a Chinese buffet across the street from our office.

Ah, if only...The waitress never let my water glass go more than an inch down from full, which was nice. What wasn't quite as nice was that every time she refilled me, I got more ice. I got a *lot* of ice. Halfway through the meal, ice was spilling out over the top of the glass.


More trouble than I'm worth?Unrelated: Vehicular nonsense. My car is still in the shop. The air bag "crash sensor" has to be replaced. What bliss. I'm an expensive driver here recently.

These are flee'ing my pockets as fast as they can.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


PepsiEat MeYesterday I brought my lunch to work. Leftover pizza, a Pepsi, and some Oreos. Typical "Health Food" for the common programmer.

Wrigley'sAll was placed in a plastic bag and twist-tied at the top. When I got to work, I just put it all in the fridge. I forgot that there was also a package of Wrigley's Spearmint gum in there.

BBbbbbbrrrrrr...Lunchtime came. "Oh, gum!", I thought. I put it in my shirt pocket. Before long, I was wondering what prankster had put an ice cube up against my left... er... chest thing.

By the time I got around to poppin' a piece of gum, it had thawed somewhat. Even so, it was a bit crunchy.

When I say 'airbag', I'm not talking about myselfUnrelated Note: My car's in the shop again. No, I didn't hit anything this time. The air bag warning light came on. I got to drag my sorry hinder out of bed an hour early so I could be the first at the dealership this morning.

Come to papa!There are no restrictions on how much caffeine I can have today.

Monday, May 14, 2007


Over the weekend, we got to see my parents, and my sister (with her kids). Some stories came out about my oldest nephew's pets.

Zoom-ZoomFirst, the turtles. He and his dad were out and about, and came across two turtles. They were *perfect* for the turtle races, Nephew declared. We *have* to keep them!

This was about a month ago. The annual turtle races in my hometown are in late June. Guess who gets to keep the turtles until then? The grandparents, of course.

Ew... StinkyThese things are in a laundry basket on Mom and Dad's back porch. They are the stinkiest things I've ever been around that were still alive (with the exception of a certain overweight Tech Support Lead from WAY back in the day). They're fed minnows. There's a problem with this... my parent's tiny chihuahua thinks that the minnows are a good snack for her, too.

I'll eat anything.Little miss chihuahua is not allowed outside without supervision, lest she become little miss damp stinky turtle-soup fish-breath chihuahau.

Guilty of selective violence.Nephew also has a pet rabbit. They keep it in a hutch outside their home. Nephew and Niece love it, and play with it often.

Little Nephew, the youngest (he just turned one), has not had good luck with the rabbit. He pokes his fingers at the rabbit, and gets bit. The poor little guy has been bitten three times now.

Stupid rabbit!!!The first two times he got bit, he cried. The last time he got bit, he screamed and started hitting the rabbit. I guess he got tired of being a victim.