Friday, March 30, 2012

Happy Saturday?

I woke up last Friday and rolled over in bed. My wife said, "Aren't you getting up?"

"No," I mumbled. "It's Saturday."

There was a garbled semi-conscious "Yes it is," / "No it isn't," argument. After a few rounds of that, I finally woke up enough to take the next step. "Let me check my phone."

I pushed a button and the display lit up. It said, "Friday March 23rd."

"Well nuts," I said. "The phone's wrong, too." "You forgot to set your alarm!" "But it's Saturday." "No, it isn't!"

I was eventually evicted from the bed and forced to go to work. All day long I swear it felt like it should be Saturday. I told my co-workers, "I'm pretty sure this is all an elaborate prank on your part."

When she left for the day, SpanFan stopped by my desk. "Tomorrow actually *is* Saturday," she assured me. "I dunno... I've been lied to about that before."

Saturday morning my alarm went off. I must have thought it was Friday.

Here's hoping that this weekend is less confusing.

Happy... uh... whatever day this is!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

My Clippers

So, the price of having a barber run some clippers through my hair is to up to 12-15 dollars. And I learned that this...

... was only twenty. So I got a new toy!

This thing is pretty nice. The blade guards are even color-coded so they can double as Monopoly playing pieces. Thimble, you have been replaced!

But the best part was this nifty little Easter Egg I found in the instructions. When trimming the hair around my ears, the instructions explicitly state:

"Avoid Poking Eyes"

Well, there goes *my* evening. I was planning on a grievous self-inflicted eye injury, but I guess I'll have to settle for a board game.

Honey! Get the Monopoly game out! Forget the race-car, this time I'm the Purple #3!

Monday, March 26, 2012

At The Zoo

Went to the zoo over the weekend. The zoo is a great place to see amazing things, like this little fellow...

Santa Claus' monkey. Ho Ho Ook!

He wasn't the strangest primate we saw, though.

Still looks like he's having trouble with those thumbs, doesn't he?

We saw the excellent new sea lion exhibit, too. And in the grandest tradition of Jeff's zoo pictures...

Damp shiney sea lion butt. Naturally. (More zoo butts here!)

Now for something half-way sentimental. Last year, I got a hat from my grandfather. It's just a standard black ball cap, with an eagle on it. He didn't even know where he got it, but it still had the tag on it.

Grandpa died late last year, and I had forgotten about the hat. I wore it for the first time last weekend to keep the sun out of my eyes. It was kinda cool... every time I'd reach up and touch it, I'd think of him and smile.

When I got home, I was red in a few places. One of the spots where I got sunburned was my forehead.

I was wearing a ball cap. Not backwards. And I got sun. On my forehead.


Thanks, Grandpa.

Monday, March 19, 2012

As You Poop

This will be my only post this week. I'll probably blame the lack of posts on Spring Break. It's not true, but that's OK. In any case, here's a conversation I had recently with iCanSpell... Poop jokes and Princess Bride quotes! You're welcome.


iCanSpell: So I have seen some really weird baby products

iCanSpell: but


Jeff: ...

Jeff: I ... I have no response to that.

iCanSpell: Woohoo!

iCanSpell: I wonder if they make adult sizes

iCanSpell: Also, I can't imagine any actual parents thinking this is a good idea

Jeff: There's no question to which the answer is, "tube up my baby's hinder!", that does not in some way contain the phrase, "qualified trained medical professionals".

iCanSpell: Now I'm imagining coining the phrase "You're as useful as a tube up my baby's hinder"

iCanSpell: Also, it seems like gas is not the only thing that comes from that particular region

iCanSpell: it seems like this might just be a poop gun in disguise

Jeff: Like a Potato Canon except with more EWWWWW.

iCanSpell: I imagine that little end serves to concentrate and accelerate any emissions

iCanSpell: They did mention the whistling noise that one might hear

iCanSpell: I think it might be like the Fire Swamp in the Princess Bride

iCanSpell: If you hear the whistle, duck and cover

Jeff: "And there's the POUS's."
"Poops of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist."
[whistle.... splat]

iCanSpell: I almost choked

Jeff: :)

Jeff: Excellent.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Peanut Hound

I've written about the freight elevator before, right? Good.

My desk, with freight elevator barely visible in the backMy desk has been across from that thing for nearly 4 years now. The occasional moderate crashes and bangs are easily ignored. The infrequent shouting is harder to overlook, but it's generally pretty amusing so that's OK.

Of course, it's not always easy to make out the words when folks are shouting in the freight elevator. The metallic echos distort things quite a bit. Last week I heard somebody shouting in there, and it sounded just like...

"C'mon, Peanut Hound! WOOOOOOOO!!!!"

I'm not sure what a "Peanut Hound" is. Naturally, I turned to the expert in all things obscure: P-Ziddy.


P-Ziddy: Cockroach races in the basement. Someone just lost 10 bucks.

Jeff: I nearly bounced my head off the keyboard I was laughing so hard there.

P-Ziddy: Jeff concussed? Check.

P-Ziddy: My work here is done.

Jeff: You may go home now. Job well done!

P-Ziddy: Mind if I give you my bosses number so you can inform her?


Worth noting: Apparently I cannot send people home for the day. Sorry, 'Zid!


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Black Pearl

I was wandering through the store, minding my own business, when WHAMMO this came off the shelf and slapped me.

OK, so it may not have had Johnny Depp's picture on it at first. But it does in my heart, dang you.

Every time I make a cup, I get the Pirates of the Caribbean music stuck in my head. And it's wonderful.

Monday, March 12, 2012

It's Been A Long Time Since I Pranked OoRah's Desk

I got a package of "Winter Spiced Nuts" this past Christmas.

Ignore the gasping coughing choking noises in the background. It's just P-Ziddy going into "Spicy Nuts" joke overload. He'll recover and re-join us shortly.

Anyway, WAY back in January of 2010 I pranked OoRah's desk. He has a collection of toys that used to look like this...

But I put his giraffe in a Cotton Candy cage. There was some retaliation, and we eventually wound up with OoRah's desk in this condition...

King Julian in a cage. Poor guy. He's been alone in that thing for about a year and a half. I decided he needed some company.

R2-D2 Spud was spared, because he was just a little too big for the spicy nut jar.

So, let's see how long it takes OoRah to notice. :)


Friday, March 09, 2012

Public Notice

These are from the email archive. In some cases, the text is a little small, so I've got captions. You can click any of the images for the larger versions if you like.


Thank you for taking all the eating utensils home to wash them. You can bring them back now.

DO NOT use microwave and toaster oven at the same time. It will throw Earth out of orbit and we'll plummet into the Sun. Thank you.

This is a window. Please use the door.

Do not use me. I am possessed.

The copier is out of order!
Yes - we have called the service man
Yes - he will be in today
No - we cannot fix it
No - we do not know how long it will take
No - we do not know what caused it
No - we do not know who broke it
Yes - we are keeping it
No - we do not know what you are going to do now
Thank you

Sorry, we are closed due to short staff
Hire taller staff 'cause I need a taco!

FREE strips of paper

Warning this machine takes your money and gives you nothing in return.
Just like my ex.

Wednesday, March 07, 2012


This British Super-Coaster Might Rip Your Limbs Off

P-Ziddy finds the neatest things. In this case it's a roller coaster in Britain that is so violent, supposedly some test dummies have come back from the ride with MISSING LIMBS.


That led to the following exchange:


Jeff: Yikes.

P-Ziddy: You weren't using that leg, were you?

Jeff: I'm not a roller coaster fan even when I'm relatively sure I'll survive the ride.

Jeff: This one?... yikes.

P-Ziddy: And yet some how, that does not shock me at all.

Jeff: Why do you mock me? I regularly spit in the face of death.

P-Ziddy: If driving across Tulsa gives you sweaty palms and the thought of 71st and Memorial gives you an anxiety attack, it stands to reason a roller coaster is bound to induce a coma

Jeff: Naw, I wouldn't stop screaming long enough to pass out.

P-Ziddy: Eventually you'll run out of oxygen.

Jeff: I played a low brass instrument for 10+ years. I can always get more oxygen.

P-Ziddy: Circular screaming?

Jeff: Ah. I see you finally understand.

P-Ziddy: I'm not sure there's enough therapy in the world to help with those night terrors

P-Ziddy: That's not to mention the day terrors

Jeff: Truly, I am forever haunted.

Monday, March 05, 2012

Small World

OoRah was chatting with one of his neighbors. I have no idea how it came into the conversation, but they discovered that OoRah's neighbor is actually an old high school friend of my wife.

Great. Now my wife has a way to send secret messages to OoRah. Now I'm doomed.

The Golfer chimed in. His wife knows a guy at work who has the same ex-wife as a guy the Golfer knows from the gym. That must be one heck of a "special" lady.

M16 walked in late in the conversation. He heard the phrase, "They both have the same ex-wife" without any context and got very confused.

OoRah had mercy and gave him a quick recap. "Oh wow," said M16. Big Dawg nodded. "Yup," he agreed. "It's a small world, after all."

There was a pause. Big Dawg's face contorted. "GAH! I did it to myself! It's stuck in my head!"

"Need another to drive it out?", M16 suggested. "Put a ring on it?"

I joined in. "Mahna-Mahnam."

SpanFan: "Friday! Friday!"

Big Dawg gave up. "I'm gonna go find 'Yellow Submarine'."

Friday, March 02, 2012

Eat Fresh

Big Dawg came back from Subway with a story to tell. "They don't say 'Eat Fresh' anymore!"

For those who haven't been verbally assaulted at a Subway recently, the employees (at least around here) are / were required to shout "Welcome to Subway! Eat fresh!" as you walk in. They hate it. The customers hate it. But "corporate" requires it.

Apparently enough customers complained about it that a new memo came down the line. They are now forbidden to say "Eat Fresh!" after the initial greeting.

"I still hate the 'Welcome to Subway' part," Big Dawg complained.

"You could echo back to them," I suggested. "They say 'Welcome to Subway', you shout 'Eat fresh!'".

Big Dawg shook his head. "When restaurants make their people yell at you like that it just makes me want to scream or hurt somebody."

I shook a fist in mock anger. "Let's see you shout 'Welcome to Subway!' after I cut out your tongue!"

Big Dawg disagreed. "No, because then they'd just shout 'BLAAUAUU!! ROROOOOAUUU!! AAAAAHHH!!', and that would be horrible."

"Horrible? I'd tip them a quarter every time they shouted that!"

I have an idea now for a themed restaurant. I'm looking for investors. :)