Monday, July 30, 2012

Raisins / And We're Done!


A couple of friends offered to make dinner for us. "Can we bring anything?"

Oh! I LOVE bug cake!
"Sure, bring a dessert. Anything, as long as it doesn't have raisins."

We got a cake and sprinkled raisins across the top. "I said no raisins!"

"Oh don't worry," I replied. "Those aren't raisins. Those are bugs."

There was a *lot* of cake leftover for us. :)

And We're Done!

I went to Walmart the other day. A mother was just in front of me with an empty basket, an arm-length list, and a itty bitty toddler girl sitting in the basket.

Momma picked up one item and put it in the basket. "AAAAAAaannnd, we're DONE!", the little girl happily shrieked. She raised her arms up in celebration.

Now we're done?
Shut up, Teddy.
"No, Honey," her mom replied. She grabbed another item from her list and put it in the basket. "AAAAAAaannnd, we're DONE!"

I watched them for several minutes. Momma would put something in the basket, and the little girl would throw her hands up in wild celebration. "AAAAAAaannnd, we're DONE!"

Even when I went my own way, I could still hear them across the store.

It was a joyful little noise. Although, I suppose her momma might disagree...

Friday, July 27, 2012

The Funky Chicken

Whoo-hoo! Check this out... I got my very own rubber chicken!

It's like I'm a real comedian now. *sniff*

Plus, he's a keyring. In other words he's got a real job lined up in case in the comedy thing doesn't work out. Hollywood can be a tough place.

Even though he's technically a rubber chicken, he is a bit stiff. If he had a little more heft to him, he'd probably make a pretty decent lawn dart.

That beak is sharper than it looks, too. I jabbed my finger with it and yelped... my wife gave me a look of mock sympathy and said, "Aw... did he bite you?"

"Kinda," I admitted.

Also, he has a distressingly large hinder.

Apparently he's a Kardashian. He might only be mine for 72 days, but I love him!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012


I have a pitchfork at my desk. Don't act surprised. I'm only surprised I can't find a picture of it at my desk... I thought I had one. Oh well... use your imagination.

Anyway, I had the pitchfork out on display. It wanted to be used. It *needed* to be used. So I picked it up and ran at Big Dawg.

"Yeeaaaarrgghhh!" Poink!

Big Dawg looked down at his arm where I'd "poinked" him. Then he reached for a weapon of his own.

"Yeeaaaarrgghhh!" Slap!

Big Dawg slapped me with his vintage Bozo the Clown doll. I think Bozo enjoyed it. I'm sure I heard him cackle.

Big Dawg and I were both grinning like idiots. We turned to face the rest of the office.

No one had noticed.

I walked into the middle of the office, holding the toy pitchfork. Nothing.


Apparently I can get away with more than I previously thought. This could be fun. :)

Monday, July 23, 2012

Coffee Makes People Friendly

Monty went for coffee and met a guy for the first time that's he's apparently known for twenty years.

"Hey man, how's it going?"

Monty blinked. "Fine, thanks."

"We're about to get out of debt!"

Personal details from a stranger... nice. Monty stuttered a bit in reply. "... uh ... great? ..."

"We've almost paid off our car, and my wife's rash is just about cleared up."

Monty choked back his gag reflex. "... That's ... *cough* ... that's really great."

The stranger just kept chattering at Monty as if they'd known each other forever. Monty has never met this guy before.

"Things are really looking up for us!", the stranger said as he wandered off.

"Great," said Monty. "I'm rootin' for ya."

Later, he shared the story with us. "You should have struck out randomly," I suggested. "Pick a name and go for it. 'So, how's Brenda?' That sort of thing."

Monty wasn't so sure. "If he knows a 'Brenda', there's a good chance the conversation would end with a hug. I don't want that."

Who doesn't want a hug?

Friday, July 20, 2012

Party Bus

I have nothing to say today, so instead I'll just show you a picture of a party bus.

Yeah, a literal party bus showed up across the street from us. I'm not sure what he was celebrating, but he sure did it in style.

Happy Friday!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Tastes Like Ice

We had a potluck at work. Among other things, I was supposed to bring ice.

I stopped by a gas station. Some folks were loading ice bags into the freezer. "Can I just grab a couple of those off the cart?" "Sure!", the lady of the crew replied. "Reddy Ice tastes great!"

I blinked. "Uh, thanks. But we plan to dilute the cubes with soda pop if that's OK."

This didn't seem to faze the ice lady, so I moved on to the front counter. "Just those two bags?", he asked. I nodded. He grinned and then shouted at me, "Reddy ice tastes great!"

"You know, you've already made the sale. You don't need to shout slogans at me."

I've never had slogans shouted at me outside of a Subway restaurant.

The ice did seem to taste decent, though.

Monday, July 16, 2012


Big Dawg bought us a trophy.

Isn't it cute? It's a 4-inch tall testament to greatness. Or something like that.

Here's my "Optimash Prime" Mr. Potato Head holding the trophy...

Heh. It looks like the Stanley Cup in his little hands. I love it!

The office conversation around it was interesting.

"It's an award!"
"An award for what?"
"An award for awesomeness!"
"For you? Not likely. More like a Cup Full Of Suck."

As you might expect, the phrase "Cup Full Of Suck" caused considerable joy and comment.

"We should engrave the base with C.F.O.S.!"
"It's plastic, genius."
"Plus, what do we tell other departments when they ask what that stands for?"
"Coding Freedom Obsidian Starburst!"

So... there's a "Coding Freedom Obsidian Starburst!" trophy floating around our department now. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I'm glad we've chosen to celebrate it.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Muppet Goodness

So, it's Friday and I have nothing else to say on the matter. I'll give you some Muppet Camera Tests instead. Jim Henson and Frank Oz improvising muppet dialog... what more could you possibly need?!?

Happy Friday!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Darn You

M16 was out some last week. As I walked past his empty desk, I decided that the office was a little too quiet. It was time to pay homage one of M16's most adorable quirks.

I sat down in M16's chair and turned to face the rest of the office. I thought back to some stories that he's shared... stories about a gentleman who's been annoying him lately. The words came back to me. I can do this, I told myself. I can re-create a little of that M16 magic.

I impersonated M16's voice as best I could and then recited, verbatim, one of his more recent stories.

"Darn you Doofy Darn you Doofy Darn you Doofy Darn OK I'm done."

P-Ziddy looked at me like I'd sprouted horns. He pointed over at Big Dawg's desk (also empty on this particular day). "Are you gonna go sit in Big Dawg's chair next?"

"No." "Why not?" "Somehow... he'd know."

Plus, most of Big Dawg's stories have more than 3 distinct words in them. Like I'm gonna remember something *that* complicated. Pshaw.

Monday, July 09, 2012

Dinner Conversation

My wife and I went out to dinner at the Cracker Barrel. It's such a slow and cozy laid-back place, there's usually not any drama. Usually.

Our waitress approached. "Hello," she said. "I had kidney stone surgery this morning and got called in to work because somebody didn't show up, and I'll be taking care of you tonight."

We placed our order. At Cracker Barrel, they always bring out yummy biscuits while you wait. I asked for jelly to go along with mine (Ding! Plot point! This will come back to haunt me!). She nodded and went to the kitchen, pulling her I.V. Stand along behind.

Next to us, a table of ladies were placing their order. "I want pancakes," one lady insisted, "But not too big, and not too small. I want them about this size," and indicated a nebulous lopsided circle with her hands.

"I have an idea," said her waitress. "I could bring out the pancakes we make for everybody, and you could just eat what you want." "No, that would never work."

Our waitress brought out the biscuits and jelly. Usually, they bring out jelly in little tins. But this time, she brought out...

"Ma'am," I timidly asked, "Do you happen to have any incontinent pets back in the kitchen?" "No," she replied. "Why?"

"No reason."

Thank goodness she brought butter, too.

Nearby, the ladies at the "Appropriate Pancake Size" table were having a spirited discussion about their high school graduating classes.

"I graduated in a class of 102, and it turns out 8 of them are millionaires."

"Ha! *I* graduated in a class of 67, and 8 of *us* are in jail!"

During their riotous laughter, my wife and I looked around for our waitress. We saw her off in a corner, pressing the button for her morphine drip and grinning wearily.

"I think we'll have to get our own refills."

"I'll have what she's having!"

Maybe I can get our medical insurance to cover part of the dinner tab.

Friday, July 06, 2012

Stuff My Face

A group of us went out to lunch last week. I ordered a cold ham-and-turkey sammich. I was completely unprepared for what came out.

That's four sammich wedges, each nearly as tall as a pickle spear, with lunchmeat packed in as tightly as you find it in the store.

I didn't realize we were ordering from the Deli Density Diner. Next time I'll ask for a kid's menu.

I had to pull each sammich wedge apart to eat it, because unhinging my jaw like a reptile wasn't an option. Check it out:

"When he eats that," said Monty, "I bet he looks like a snake that ate an egg, with a big lump working its way down."

I'm pretty sure I saw P-Ziddy shed a tear or two while laughing at that one.

Oh well. It was a good sammich. Took me 3 hours to eat it all, but I liked it.

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Independence Day, 2012

Happy Independence Day!

Happy Independence Day!

Blow something up for me. :) We'll be patrolling the neighborhood to make sure none of our trigger-happy neighbors set any roofs on fire.

Monday, July 02, 2012

Pouty Captain America

Found this at Target. It's a large plush Captain America, but what made me laugh was the very pouty lips they gave him... (Click the image for a larger look)

In honor of America... strike a pose! Oh snap! What's Captain America's catch-phrase as he skips into battle?

"Saving the world makes me feel FABULOUS!"

"I'd do anything to save the world ... except wear fur."

"Oh, I'm sorry are my pinkies up? They do that when I'm saving the world."

I hope your July 4th holiday is fabulous!