Squeaky Chair

[SCCCRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAACCHH]

My office chair became noisy one day. I leaned back and [SCCCRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAACCHH]. It was odd, because there was never a period that the chair made "little" squeakies. One day it was perfectly normal, and the next day my hinder-holder was squealing so loud that I couldn't hear the freight elevator.

So, I did the only thing I could. I called upon the talents of The Genius.

The Genius came to my office to see what he could do. I walked over to the chair. "Check this out," I said. I sat. I rocked back n' forth. The chair was silent.

"That's a good trick," The Genius nodded. He was grinning like a hyena. The Genius knows good theater when he sees it. "I hear chairs squeak like that all the time."

We agreed to hold off on doing anything until the chair acted up again. As he left the office, The Genius was chuckling. About an hour later, [SCCCRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAACCHH]. "Sounds like one of the howling demons from the freight elevator is hurt!", somebody quipped. I sighed.

A few days later, The Genius came through on his way to the freight elevator. "How's that chair?", he asked. "Loud," I replied. "See?"

I rocked back n' forth. The chair was silent. "I think I may change your blog nickname to 'WD-40'," I told him. "Whatever works for you," The Genius replied.

The Genius got into the nearby freight elevator, and I kid you not, as he started to lower the door my chair said [SCCCRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAACCHH]. "Hey!" I jumped up, waved my arms. "Come back over here!"

The Genius came back over. "It just did it again!" I sat down. Silence.

I think The Genius has a new nickname for me, too.

I'm now considering a different approach. I'm going to bring in some sawdust and metal shavings to try and make it louder.

Department Lunch

We celebrated some birthdays in our office by having a big department lunch. I love these things... I almost always end up with some good stories from them.

It's been a while since I wrote about these big fellas ... it's not much, but here's a link

Up first in the parade of goodies are "Large" and "In Charge". There was a sharpie over by the paper cups, and Large used it to write his name on his cup. No one else bothered.

I was near the end of the line, so when I grabbed a cup I also grabbed the Sharpie. I wrote "Not Large" on it. Despite the lack of my actual name, there was no problem identifying my cup.

Later, while I was seated, "In Charge" walked by. He's quite a big guy, so it *should* have surprised me when he stomped on the ground and thrust his hand in my face. He even shouted, "AHA!" while grinning wildly. Instead, I was so impassive that I didn't even blink.

"You need to get your reflexes checked," he said. I turned, pretending to just notice him. "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

SWoaN nearly fell out of her chair laughing.

But the best... oh my, the BEST... that would be the Genius. He more or less sat on the birthday cake.

Do you remember the Genius? He's worth remembering. Check out his little old lady impression and his bad mind reader gag.

What happened is that the Genius stood near the table that had the sheet cake on it. He turned around and bent over for something. He moved slightly side to side while rummaging for whatever. In the process, he managed to wiggle his hinder against one corner of the cake, destroying it.

His rump was covered in red icing. He had to un-tuck his shirt so he could cover the evidence.

The Genius left the party for a few minutes. Somebody looked around and asked, "Where's the Genius? Is he afraid to show his... face?"

When the Genius returned to the room, we all applauded for him. The shout-outs were glorious.

"Enjoy the butt-cake!"
"No butts about it!"
"Let's make him the butt of all our jokes!"

I can't wait for the next department lunch. :)

The Bad Mind-Reader

From the comedic genius of ... The Genius ... comes this fantastic idea.

He happily suggested that *anybody* could be a mind-reader, as long as you offer up the disclaimer that you're bad at it.

Then he put on hand up on his forehead and pointed at me. "Is your name... Jim?" "You are correct!", I shouted. "Because 'Jim' is, in fact, a name! And I have one of those!"

"See," he explained. "Jeff gets it."

His hand went back up to his forehead. "I see that you know somebody who has died... in the past 20 years... OK, maybe a friend of yours knows someone... ah, you just lost a pet... you hate pets?..."

I think the "Bad Mind-Reader" gag is a winner. It gives me the freedom to walk up to anybody, anytime, and tell them "You should be ashamed!... do you think about your mother with that mind?"

The Volunteers

A group of us from the office went out to lunch recently. Midway though our meal, OoRah noticed a large table being set up near us. It had a cheesy paper centerpiece that said, "Welcome AT&T volunteers."

OoRah was confused. "OK, so I understand non-profit groups having volunteers," he said. "But how does a for-profit corporation manage it?"

We were musing over the potential savings to our company if we could get the Advertising department to "volunteer", when the anticipated crew walked in.

It was 15 little old ladies. The youngest was at least 60. Every one of them had white floofy hair. They were all wearing identical AT&T t-shirts.

At this point, I will turn the dialog over to a co-worker I've never written about before. I will simply call him "Genius", for reasons that should be obvious shortly. These are all (as best I can remember) direct quotes.

"Wow! That's why it takes an hour to activate a phone! They forget what they're doing, think they're talkin' to themselves..."

"Hello Deary... I forgot what we were talking about."

"Oh, that's so nice. I have four grandchilden named after you. Where am I again?"

"What time is it over there? Really? Hold on a minute... Time to take my medicine..."

We were in tears. It was beautiful. On top of everything else, his warbly "little old lady" voice was perfect.

I can't top any of that, so I'm not even going to try. :)