More than 10 years ago, I worked as a Technical Support agent for Creative Labs. I was one of the folks you talked to on the phone when you couldn't get your sound card to work.
I compiled a huge list of ACQ's (Actual Customer Quotes)... hilarious and/or dumb things that customers would say to us. I found that decade-old list recently, and I've whittled it down to a few of my favorites.ACQ one-liners:
Typical -- "I deleted Windows 95 ... I didn't know I couldn't do that ..."
Final Authority -- "This is the last Packard Bell I'll ever buy. It's a decent machine, but their tech support sucks, and you have to have permission from Christ if you want to upgrade ..."
Not as much as one might think... -- "So, is there much snow skiing in Oklahoma?"
Consequences -- "The wages of sin is scandisk."
No comment -- "I went through all the poo-poo I was supposed to..."
Customer, talking to his slow-booting computer -- "C'mon, you pig, fly!"
Yup, pretty much -- "Windows can't scratch it's own [hinder] without building a driver information database."
"Thanks" would have been enough -- "Dude, if this works, I will come over there and kiss your [hinder]!... If this works, dude, you will be my man forever!...." ACQ responses to agent questions:
(Us vs. Them format)
Us: Don't worry sir, it will come back.
Them: That's what they said about my first love.
Us: Ok, shut down the computer and reconnect the cd rom drive to your sound card...
Them: Ok, I've gotta put my Jock Strap on.
Us: "Windows 98.."
Them: "is a piece of junk!" ACQ Agent Testimonies
I was talking with this guy, trying to get his 2x CD recognized. At one point he goes, "Shhhhh, hold on.... Whoops! I gotta go! Springer's on!" I just sat there blinking for a coupla seconds going, "Uh..." when he chuckles and says, "Just kidding."
(Normal techno-babble, then):
Customer: Sarah, honey, I'm on the phone.
(a few minutes later, "Sarah" comes back):
Customer: No, I'm still on the phone. I'm not ready yet.
(a few minutes later):
Customer: No! I told you I'm not ready yet! You see me sitting at the computer, with the phone in my hand. What part of this don't you understand? Go sit in the bathroom!
This last customer I talked to was a good ole' southern gal. She had just moved; In the process of moving, they lost the install disks. The following is a collection of words of wisdom she imparted to me:
"Lemmie tell you, if you ever move, take your stuff with you!"
"Aurthor-ized files verified." (authorized)
"You are your mother's son!"
Open the case to get the model number off the drive. While opening the case, I hear a child yelling in the background, something about the other kid hitting him/her. To which Mrs. xxxxxx replied, "Well hit 'em back."
I just got off this call where this guy would laugh hysterically at everything he said. Examples:
-- "I'm trying to make this cdrom work and it doesn't." Har har har har!
-- "I connected it to the secondary ide port." Ha ha ha ha!
It was a really annoying call. I even quit sympathy laughing pretty quickly.
I just had a guy call and, no joke, he was snoring! I tried and tried to wake him but he wouldn't wake up! ACQ conversations
Them: "So where are you located?"
Them: "What part of Texas is that located in?"
Us: "Actually, we are located north of Texas."
Them: "So, Arizona?"
Us: "No sir, we are an independent state between Kansas and Texas."
Them: "Really, so you are close to the East coast. I thought you would be towards the west."
This customer was asking about the weather. I told him it was raining. Then he asked where I was. I said Oklahoma. Then I said:
Us: We really needed the rain.
Them: So the wheat will grow to an elephant's eye!
Us: (pause) Uh, yeah...
Them: I don't know why an elephant would want wheat in his eye, but whatever...
From a Customer Service agent:
Them: I can't get my sound card to work!
Us: Have you tried contacting tech support?
Them: Why the #### would I have to to call them?
Us: They would be the best ones to help you get your sound card up and running.
Them: *heavy sigh* OKAY. What's the number for Texaco?
Another from a Customer Service agent:
Them: Hello. I'm having a problem with my sound card.
Us: Okay, what sort of problem are you having?
Them: Well, I can't find it.
Us: Do you mean that your system is not detecting it?
Them: No, I mean I've lost it. I don't remember where I left it. Can I get a new one?
Us: A new sound card?
Them: Yeah, I still have the little disk thingy
Them: Can I get a new card?
Them: Can I just get the card?? I already have the disks.
Them: But they said I could just get the card.
Us: Who did?
Them: The computer people
Us: I'm sorry, we can't replace the card because you lost it. Please try to keep an eye on your hardware from now on.
Them: Fine. I'l buy a new one. Can I have a discount because I already have the software?
Us: I think you should talk to your local computer store about that.
Them: Really? Do they sell sound cards?
Them: Can I get one that will work with my disk thingy?
Us: Sure, but I'd tell them the whole story.
Them: About losing my sound card?
Us: Yes. Thanks for calling.
Them: Sure. Thanks, you've been very helpful.