Engrish

This is a short week for me, so I'm taking the easy way out here. I will be away from work and the blog Friday and Monday (Labor Day). I may still post something those days, but it won't be a full story.

I'd prefer to have something original here, but hey, sometimes life intrudes. :) These pics were sent to me as part of an email titled, "Who says China isn't ready for English-speaking tourists???"


Right across the street from Moon Cheeks.


What would a "normal" horse bean taste like?


Fido No!!!


But taste like cat.


Whoa! Too many specifics!... Information overload!


Go over there to die, please. Thank you.


I think "Braised Dork" would be an excellent name for a rock n' roll band.


That was my nickname in... well, OK. It still is.


Get this lettuce some Aspirin!


I don't trust you... you're not a Starbutts in disguise, are you?

That's Hot

I saw this sign on the bathroom door at work yesterday.

Inside, everything looked normal. The dire portent of doom was only on the door outside, which made it easy to forget about while I was otherwise engaged inside.

When I went to the sink, naturally I turned on the hot water. A steamy vertical funnel of agony shot up into my face. I screamed and lept backwards into the wall. The janitor came, but instead of saving me from my disgrace he handed me a wrench and made me help him fix the pipes.

Actually, no. None of that happened. What really happened is that I turned on the hot water and the door fell off of the cabinet below. Two live badgers, a pink fox and half of a dead fish fell out. They looked at me accusingly (except for the fish). Turns out, the water had been leaking there a long time, and some powerful mushrooms were growing.

Again, I tell a fib. When I turned on the hot water, the pipes rumbled and growled like a many-horned demon of lore. I quickly turned off the water and tried to make my getaway, but the janitor was nearby. He shouted at me, "Didn't you see the sign?" I quickly improvised, "No, I must have been in here when the sign was posted." He gave me an angry look and said, "That sign's been posted for over an hour!" I widened my eyes incredulously. "Yes?", I said. "And your point is?"

He gave up and let me go.

So tell the truth... which of those stories do you think is most likely? :)

Crazy Florida

Wow... did you hear about the marijuana bust at a Florida mall last weekend? 200 or so plants were found in a storage area up in the ceiling... wow. Right up above your favorite stores was merchandise that would never be featured in any "By one get one free" ads.

What would this addition do to the contents of a store?

Sharper Image: Every thing's even more expensive.
Candy Castle: Even more appetizing.
Sunglasses Hut: More hazy.
The Gap: More Tie-dyed stuff.
Radio Shack: Even less customer service.
Spencer's Gifts: No change.

On a related note, I was in Woodland Hills Mall last weekend. Holy buckets. Do you remember way back when there used to be more than just clothing stores in that mall? OK, I'll grant you, there's a Sears and a Spencer's Gifts (no word on what's above their ceiling tiles). But once you get inside there are no book stores, toy stores, novelty stores, or music stores. You get clothes, clothes, shoes, clothes, food court, clothes, and then finally there's some more clothes. You can go from "nude" to "Beyoncé Knowles" before you even make it up the escalators.

These days a trip to the mall can leave you empty-handed in the middle of an episode of "Cops". Thank goodness for Amazon.

Gathering

Last Friday P-Ziddy, Metacow, V and I met up for lunch. I arrived at the restaurant first. After waiting for a few minutes, I heard "Oh! It's you." Metacow had walked all the way past me before we recognized each other.

I guess it really *had* been a while.

We chatted for a bit. Then, we saw P-Ziddy and V pull into the parking lot just behind a school bus full of hungry traveling kiddos. Metacow and I quickly lept into line.

10 minutes later as Metacow and I sat down to eat, my phone rang. There was a lot of noise on the line, but I could just make out P-Ziddy's ever-sarcastic voice saying "Obstruction" and something impolite.

Eventually we all wound up at the same table at the same time. :)

Big Dawg was supposed to join us but he cancelled. Instead, he opted to take the day off work and stay at his apartment, packing for a move that he doesn't know where he's going yet or when. Apparently, to Big Dawg, we all rank just below cardboard.

I was given a bunch of statements to pass along for Big Dawg today. See if you can guess who said what!

The Olympics Are Almost Over

I've never been a big fan, to be honest. For every gold medal you see being tearfully celebrated, there are a hundred dreams that just died. These are a few of those dreams. :)

Three

This is how the world will end... not with a bang, but with a Whimper.

Yes, this is Guy Whimper, an Offensive Lineman for the New York Giants. I saw him during a preseason game and nearly fell over laughing. "Whimper" is not exactly a name that will strike fear into the hearts of your enemies.

It looks like he's a third-year "Guy", but I can't find any stats for him. I'm guessing that he's been down deep on the depth chart, and hasn't actually played in two years. I hope he makes the team this year... he's my new favorite player. :)

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I attended a Webinar at work earlier this week (if you don't know what a Webinar is, check out my previous story about one).

It was a dork vendor trying to sell us their latest and greatest nonsense. His presentation didn't go well... at one point he announced that a particular feature was "cool". Silence drifted across from our end of the conference call. Unfazed, he continued by saying, "Now the reason that is cool is..."

Just a tip. If you have explain to your audience why it's cool... it isn't.

We had to ask him to speak up, which lead to this unintentionally amusing statement: "If my voice starts to fade again, let me know..." His voice was actively fading while he was saying this.

By the end, he was so hard to hear he may has well have been in Zimbabwe. It didn't matter. We hated him enough to take up a collection and send him to Zimbabwe.

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We have an elderly friend who recently moved out of her apartment. About three weeks later, she got a letter from the apartment manager itemizing the condition of her old apartment.

One of the items on this list of doom was that her front door was missing several screws from its hinges. They thought she did this... amazing! Can you imagine a little old lady in her mid-70's attacking her front door with a screwdriver? The whole time she'd be muttering to herself, "Raise *my* rent, will they? The A/C rattles at night... teenage punks park in my handicapped spot... they can just go and find themselves some NEW SCREWS! That'll teach 'em."

I sure wish I had thought of this before we moved out of our apartment. I could have fleshed out my hardware collection a bit. :)

Superhero Jeff

Sometimes at work my phone rings and I have to LEAP into action (metaphorically speaking, of course... if it was literal I'd bang my knee on my desk).

Check this out: In Call #1 a co-worker was trying to upload a video file to our web servers.

Them: "I uploaded SomeVid.flv, but the server says it's not there."
Us: "I see SomeVid.fla on the server, but not .flv. Are you sure you uploaded the right file?"
Them: [impolite expressions of self-loathing]

Hey, sometimes we all have "forest for the trees" moments. I know I've had plenty myself. But there's no need to fear! 'Tis I, Captain Points-Out-The-Obvious! I've also been known to fly by the name of "Detail Finder", "The Clue Monster", and "Mr. Hey-Lookit!"

Then there was Call #2.

Them: "I need to [task]. I can't do that from [name of program], can I?"
Us: "No."
Them: "That's what I thought... I need to use [name of other program] instead, right?"
Us: "Yes."
Them: "OK, thanks!"

That's right, it's me... J. Moral Support. "Moral" is my middle name, and if you have to ask, the "J" stands for Jeff. You can also find me in the phone book under "Super Sensitive", "Smile Andnod", and "The Ugottit Dude!".

Superhero Jeff! I don't *have* an action figure, I *am* an action figure!

Welcome To The Neighborhood

The first few months after moving into our house, we were pretty well left alone. Recently however, we've found our way onto a bunch of church hit-lists.

Picture it... the doorbell rings and two very nice gentlemen thrust a plastic sack of goodies at us while saying, "Welcome to the neighborhood!". They don't actually live here, but they invited us to church anyway. We declined, saying "We already attend church someplace else."

The bag of goodies, though... wow. There was all sorts of sweet swag in there. Coupons for restaurants we like, disinfectant wipes, ink pens, candy, stickers, discounts... it was quite a haul. There was even some jewelery cleaner that tarnished one of my wife's necklaces (they can't all be winners).

A couple of weeks later, the doorbell rang again. "Welcome to the neighborhood!" They left without fuss just like the other guys, but they still gave us a grab-bag.

The time the quality of items was a bit lacking. We got coupons for places we don't like (including two that were already expired), ads (not discounts) for places we don't go, and a busted coffee mug.

It broke my heart to throw away a coffee mug.

Most recently, some guys came by with the same "Welcome to the neighborhood!" line. They were just as polite as could be, but they gave us the smallest gift so far - a single business card with their church's name on it.

I'm a little worried that the next group will ask for a handout before they step off the porch. Maybe I should crack a coffee mug and keep it by the door, just in case.

My wife and I now have an arts n' crafts project. We're going to create a decorative wreath to hang on our front door. Written on it will be:

"We already have a church home!"

If that doesn't work, we may try digging a moat around the house and filling it with broken coffee mugs.

Yeah, Just Like That!

We saw Tropic Thunder last weekend. It was riotously funny in places and action packed, although "Mature Language" is putting it mildly. This one is not kid-friendly, folks.

We saw a review for the movie that simply stunned me. It compared Tropic Thunder to "Zoolander". Unbelievable.

Tropic Thunder is an action-comedy. The characters are caricatures yes, but they are over-the-top, not otherworldly bizarre.

Zoolander is a comedy where every single character is some variation of a bad Will Ferrel impersonation (including Will himself). The only three things these flicks have in common are:

1) They are movies...
2) ...that have Ben Stiller...
3) ...but no Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man (sadly, many movies suffer from this flaw).

Comparing these two movies is like comparing:

1) A Llama to a Golf Club because both can chew grass.
2) The Moon and a Pizza Pie for the damage they can do to your eye (that's amore!).
3) White Rice and Mosquitoes because both can get stuck in your teeth.
4) An Office Chair and a Partially Blocked Nostril for the squeaking noises.

I'd continue, but these "dis-similar items with a wonky common thread" are kinda hard to come up with. Give it a try, you'll see what I mean.

In any case, Tropic Thunder has a Jennifer Love Hewitt cameo near the end (no joke!), so that means the movie was A-OK by me. :)

Good Ideas?

I got these in an email forward (thanks, icanspell!). I figured I'd take the easy way out today.



Up first, something that is most certainly *not* a good idea. Anything encouraging this doofus to sing can't be good for the rest of us. It may not be all that good for him, either... is it just me, or does he look like he's in pain?




OK, this one isn't just a good idea, it's brilliant. It turns the blessed Starbucks into a mighty weapon of awesome.




Seems to me that when you tilt an umbrella far enough, it funnels more water toward you than away. Young Love may find it romantic to be a bit damp together, but after you've been married a few years the expectations are different. ;)




Oh sure. Trust your life to Gumby's second career. Let me know how that works out for you.




Coffee cup and a cookie holder. The only way it could be better is if it would magically refill itself at both ends. Great idea. :)

Happy Weekend!

Many Stuff

My wife and I visited an Open House last weekend. There was a really pretty sign over the front door that said "Peace to all who enter here." What struck me as funny though, was that the sign was on the inside of the house, not the outside.

If the path to peace heads away from the living room, I can only assume the owners watch a lot of Survivor reruns. Either that, or the sign was a really polite way of saying "Don't let the door hit you in the hinder on your way out."

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School started this week for most kiddos in the Tulsa area. On day 1, many poor kiddos were late because the buses that came by to pick them up were already full.

Of course, I have a solution. Strap some La-Z-Boys to the top of the bus - instant double-decker! Instead of "They left me coughing and weeping in the dust," your only excuse is "I fell off and was mauled by wolves." Tough to pull that one off without doing a bit of a hatchet job on your good polo.

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This is something special. In New York you can go to a day spa and get a Bird Poo Facial. I don't know about you, but the words "Bird Poo Facial" just make me happy. In New York, some twit is paying 180 bucks for the same experience I got once when I looked up at a bunch of seagulls.

But wait! There's patriotic outrage in this story too! Check it out:

"...doesn't contain just any run of the mill pigeon poo. It's made from dried nightingale droppings imported from Japan and mixed with rice bran."

What's wrong with American Poop? Americans produce some of the best poop on the planet! Congress, Gilbert Gottfried, Kia Optima, the list goes on and on. Buy American, that's what I say!

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And finally, I must rejoice in the discovery of a true Fount of Goodness. Utter Nerd has every episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 available for download.

I'm enough of an MST3K nerd that I already have most of these. Even so, I am in awe. 10 seasons of absolute (if a bit dated) hilarity. Ah, bliss.

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"Bird Poo Facial". Tee-hee!

Doggie

The first week we moved into our house, we went walking through the neighborhood. We passed by a sweet little old lady who asked, "Where's your cute little doggie?"

We explained that we had no doggie. From the smug look on her face, she was thinking "Well bless their hearts, they forgot they have a doggie. They'll remember when they get home."

Weeks later, she happened to be walking past our house. "Where's your doggie?", she inquired. Again, we explained our lack of doggie. She gave us a hurt look as if to say, "Well, I just can't imagine why you won't let me pet your doggie."

A few weeks ago, we walked past her house again. She was sitting outside and waved as we passed by. "I don't see your cute little doggie!", she shouted.

Once again, we insisted that our doggie was imaginary. She looked at us with sad eyes that wailed, "You hate me! I don't know why you hate me!" As we walked away, we heard sobbing behind us.

Just yesterday it was her turn again. She walked by our house while two large neighborhood dogs were roaming around. She paused, with a hint of uncertainty. "Are these your dogs?" she accused.

"No", my wife insisted. The sweet little old lady shot my wife a vicious glare that said, "You're lying! I know you're lying... I'll get you, my pretty, and your multiple unleashed flesh-eating monsters, too!"

Then she scurried away.

I'm beginning to think we need to get a doggie, quick. It may not be long before the sweet little old lady gets violent.