Album Covers

Here are the rules:

1 - Go to Wikipedia. Hit "random"
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Quotations Page and select "random quotations"
The last four or five words of the very last quote on the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to Flickr and click on "explore the last seven days"
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

With that in mind...

I have to admit... I didn't strictly follow the rules for the album name on this one.



The album name on this one would make a good commentary on this blog post. :)



Finally, for this one I completely ignored the rules. Click over to Best Band Name Ever if you want the backstory on this one. :)

State Holidays

I found out that last Friday was "Pioneer Day" up in Utah. Many workers in that state got the day off.

I think Oklahoma needs more state holidays. We can miss work with the best of them!

"Deer Day"
The first day of hunting season is practically a state holiday anyway. Why not make it official?

"Moonshine's Day"
Commemorating the day that Blessed Moonshine (King Hop's malformed niece) first crawled into a barrel and let herself ferment.

"Broken Foot Tuesday"
Marking the day that Oklahoma's first governor won a bitter partisan debate by dropping a ripe possum on his opponent's foot.

"Blue n' Gold Sausage Day"
Because it's so hard to concentrate on work while you're waiting for sausages to be delivered.

"All Hillbilly's Eve"
Be honest. You don't even know what it is, but you hope there's a YouTube video.

What state holiday will you celebrate?

Afflicted Sausages

"We love you, SweetLady!"

"Are you just saying that because I brought breakfast?"

[pause] "*AND* you brought breakfast?!?"

------------------

The Administrative Assistant for our department at work is a very sweet lady. She brought breakfast for the department one day last week.

There were donuts and sausage rolls as far as the eye could see. The sausage rolls were wrapped in thin rice paper. About half of them were marked with the letter "P".

This sparked some discussion of what the "P" might indicate. After some thought, OoRah suggested, "Pork."

I had doubts. "I bet it stands for 'Pony'."

OoRah looked at me like I was crazy. "No. I think it's 'Pittsburgh'."

SWoaN took a bite of one. "I think it's got cheese in it."

"Ah," I said. The mystery was solved. "'P' stands for 'Cheese'."

Later, we found out what the 'P' actually stood for. Each of the Afflicted Sausages (good name for a rock band?) had a near-microscopic green bit that smelled faintly of jalapeño. One bit per sausage, literally.

Obviously, as P-Ziddy suggested, the 'P' stands for sPicy.

Imagination

The fine folks over at HelpSTAR are at it again. These are the same folks who sent me the "You don't have to be an oil baron..." CD mailer 4 months ago. They provide some kind of management training / consulting or somesuch. Just like last time, the mailer was pretty much incomprehensible.



This time it's in the style of a motivational poster. That text at the bottom is crazy-small, so I've bumped up the size a bit.



"The art of managing without the facts." Um... yeah. Sure. There's another phrase to describe this "art"...



Mmm.... I luvs me a good motivational poster!



I have no idea how I got on HelpSTAR's mailing list, but I kinda like it. I wish they sent out their crazy mailers more often.

Stamped

SWoaN knows me well. She brought me a print-out of this "stupidity" comic (click into it for the full size). "I thought you might like this," she said.

My jubilant noises were significant. Before I knew it, the entire office had moved into my cubical to see what the commotion was about.

I blissfully showed off my prize. I held the print-out against my shoulder and said, "I think I'll get it tattoo'd right here."

Everybody laughed, and then OoRah (resident tattoo councilor) started to speak.

"Now, if you're serious about that, hang that picture over your bed where you'll have to see it every night. If you still like it after a year, then it's probably OK. Also, make sure it's far enough up your arm to be easily covered with a short sleeve shirt."

I blinked. This was a silly conversation. Wise council was wildly inappropriate. Time to inject some more nonsense.

I stood. "Actually, I know where I'll put it." I turned around, bent over and held the printout just above my hinder. "Tramp stamp!"

Big Dawg screamed. I mean that literally... I have never heard him raise his voice that loud. He slammed his hands over his face and shrieked, "I CAN'T UNSEE THAT!!!"

His desperate howl actually echo'd a little.

I have never been so happy at work. :)

Field Of Wifi-Ness

At the office about a week ago, we were talking about network hardware.

Yes, we sit around and casually discuss network infrastructure, scaling, DHCP, VPN, Protocols and Super-cabling. No, I honestly don't know what any of those things mean. Yes, I may have made up that last one. I'm not sure.

*cough* Anyway.

Wireless network devices were discussed. The conversation naturally (?) flowed to mistakes one can make while installing such devices. And somebody (Maarek, I think) suggested, "Just put it in the room somewhere and hope it works."

Big Dawg started to giggle. As he spoke, he got more and more animated until his hands were literally circling around his head. By the end, he looked like he was doing the Karate Kid "wax on, wax off" thing on the ceiling.

"You could make a fortune off a device like that. All you have to do is plug it in, ..."

His arms went up in phantom pulling motions. "... and it PULLS electrons out of your PC, ..."

His arms were now up over his head, swirling. "... to make a FIIIEEEEELLLLD of wifi-ness!"

It was too much. The office erupted in laughter. I chimed in. "'Field of Wifi-ness' would make a great name for a nerd rock band."

OoRah leaned in. "I hope they do Devo covers."

Yeah, I think they'd have to.

Research

From the email archive:
-----------------------
Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits as yoga



Balasana
Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.



Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.



Marjayasana
Position stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column.



Halasana
Excellent for back pain and insomnia.



Dolphin
Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.



Salambhasana
Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.



Ananda Balasana
This position is great for massaging the hip area.



Malasana
This position, for ankles and back muscles.



Pigeon
Tones the body, and builds flexibility and helps get rid of 'stress'.

The Thunder Rolls

We had some early-July rain last week. Actually, a lot of rain. One of those days a burst of thunder hit and then hung around for a while. It was so loud, it sounded like a cement truck rolling over and over down the street. It lasted 15-20 seconds.

A line popped into my head that I just had to share. So I mentioned it to P-Ziddy:

"OK, that was either thunder on Viagra, or I'm on the set of a Michael Bay movie."

P-Ziddy laughed and then asked, "Is there brief, bad dialog going on?"

"Yes," I replied. "OoRah *is* nearby, now that you mention it."

The best part was when I shared this story with OoRah. He laughed until he nearly cried. He didn't try to deny anything.

I have no punchline. Oh well.

Monkey Squeezle Go Boom

So, who remembers the Monkey Squeezle story?



It's a cute little stress ball that P-Ziddy got for me. I took Little Squeezles to work, but he rarely got used as an actual stress relief device. Mostly, he was just decorative.

Last week I grabbed Little Squeezle and gave him an affectionate squish.



His head nearly exploded.

I was pretty shocked... especially when I pulled my hand back and the mighty bulge didn't go away.



There was only one thing to do, of course. I left him on my desk like that. It was 2 days before anyone noticed. Big Dawg and LadyPatsFan noticed within minutes of each other. When I pointed it out to OoRah, his eyes bugged out like a cartoon.

Poor Squeezle. He wound up being much more fun than I would have guessed, but it's time to put him out to pasture. :)

Mayor Bartlett

I work in Downtown Tulsa, and I occasionally see semi-public figures wandering around. I didn't *technically* see Mayor Dewey Bartlett recently, but I was near him. I think.

I was chatting with WebSamurai when it happened. Three people came up behind me and walked past us. I saw the backsides of two men in business suits and a lady in a business dress. I didn't think anything of it.

When they were out of earshot WebSamurai said, "Was that Dewey Bartlett?"

I hadn't seen who the three were, and I said so. WebSamurai said, "I'm pretty sure that's who it was. His assistant was kinda cute, too."

I decided that P-Ziddy needed to know about this. P-Ziddy has a very strong opinion about politicians. If you are willing to put the (R) or the (D) next to your name, then you are worthy of a swift kick in the sock drawer. He's an equal-opportunity political hater. He was the obvious choice.

I sent him an Instant Message. The conversation went something like this:

Jeff: "A Brush With Greatness" (I knew this would get his curiosity up)
Jeff: I was chatting with a guy
Jeff: Dewey Bartlett walked by. (I knew this would make him gag)
Jeff: I'm calling it a brush with greatness, because the female aid walking along with him was HAWT.
P-Ziddy: That's just about as awesome as he'll ever get
P-Ziddy: And could explain the additional money he asked for
Jeff: Indeed.
P-Ziddy: Q) Purpose for Additional Funding?
A) Hot Personal Aid
APPROVED
Jeff: One of the few things (R) and (D) can agree on.
P-Ziddy: Indeed

Mall And Movie

We went to the mall last weekend. We were in the women's department of a store when we were aggressively assisted by Shouting She-Thing.

"CAN I HELP YOU?!?"

My wife visibly jumped and I spun around with my hands up in a protective "I've-Heard-Of-Kung-Foo" crouch (I look really fierce when I do that). S.S.T. was literally running toward us. She looked like she was chasing down shoplifters.

We sent her away. A few minutes later we decided to use the restroom, which was in the same department. There was a quick THUMP THUMP THUMP of running feet and then, ...

"CAN I HELP YOU?!?"

"I no longer need to use your restroom," I replied. My wife glared at S.S.T. and said, "I bet you used to work at Best Buy."

Shaken, we decided to try the rest of the mall. As we passed by a store selling sunglasses, the lady inside was pulling down the cage door.

"Sorry!", she shouted. "I know it looks weird, but we're not closing!"

My wife and I stopped and stared. "If you're not closing," I asked, "Then why are you shutting and locking the door?"

She looked at me wide-eyed, like I'd caught her in a lie. She never answered the question.

We left the mall to see Toy Story 3 (great flick, by the way). The family in front of us had a kid with them.

"Two adults and a child for Toy Story at 2:50," she said. The guy behind the counter asked, "Would you rather see the 1:55 showing?"

She perked up. "Yes! What time is it now?" "Uh... it's 2:11."

I couldn't even see her face and I could see the look she was giving him. He quickly recanted his offer.

Another lady ran up and joined the threesome. They were clearly holding her place in line, so we let her pass. She approached the counter and said, "One adult and one child, please."

My wife and I blinked at each other. The lady didn't know that kiddo had a ticket already.

She stepped away with her tickets and then cut right back in front of us again. "Oh!", she wailed. "I didn't need this one!"

Once the confusion was sorted out, we finally stepped up to the counter. It was my moment.

"Two adults and one fictional kid for the 10:30 showing of Toy Story."

I shouldn't be allowed out in public.

Happy

Happy 4th of Thing!



God Bless America. :)

A Joke In Reserve

A couple of weeks ago, I read a most excellent joke. I don't remember the source, but some blogger was complaining about a particular noise, saying it sounded like a cross between Justin Bieber and a Vuvuzela.

The Vevuzela, for those who may not know, is a horn that South African fans bring to World Cup games. You get thousands of the dang things, all being blown at once, and it sounds like a few million angry bees are swarming. And it never stops.

Justin Beiber, of course, is far worse.

I call it a "Stealth Vovoozala" joke. You don't think it's going to be a South African horn joke, and then WHAMMO! Plus, "Vuvuzela" is a really fun word to say. You always get at least one onlooker who is scared that the word may not be appropriate in mixed company.

Even since then, I've been keeping that joke in reserve, ready to strike at a moment's notice. Conversation would naturally shift to some annoying noise, and then...

"Wow, that sounds like a cross between a fire alarm and a vazoozela!"

"Oh man, that sounds like a cross between cats mating and a vayvusalsa!"

"Yikes, that sounds like a cross between Rob Schneider's laugh and a Vuvuzaloid!"

The possibilities are endless. Unfortunately, "annoying noises" don't get mentioned in my circle of friends as often as you might think. Heck, you'd think "annoying noises" would get a shout-out every time I open my mouth.

And so here I sit, waiting for my most excellent semi-improve joke to bear wings and lash out into the world. Like a swarm of angry bees.

*sigh*

Thank goodness I don't have to spell "Vuvuzela" in conversation.