Zoo Hinders

I love the zoo, but I don't think the zoo animals love me very much. Every time I raise my camera, the animals turn and point their hinders at me. It's like clockwork. They don't even look up... they just *know*.

Seriously, check out these Zebras.

You are less important than the rock I'm ignoring

Buffalo Butts!

One had Mexican for lunch, the other has just learned this sad fact

The Cheetah was too busy to be bothered.

Meh... I'll kill you later

The Rhino had an attitude.

Kiss my double-wide hinder, Shorty!

Giraffe Butt.

If I stand *really* still, maybe he won't see me...

Lion Hinder.

Rawr

Double-Goat Bottoms!

Bottoms up!

I wouldn't be me if I didn't include the monkey.

Mean people make me sad

Even the birds mock me.

Crow butt!

Heck, even the *flightless* birds mock me.

Penguin butt? Really?

This is rude but it's kinda cute.

Bear butt!

And then there's the Giant Turtles and their ... um ...

Whoa! Never mind! Run away! Unclean! Unclean!

The proud and majestic ones ...

Bald Eagle Butt

The silly ones ...

Meerkat butt

Are they spooning?

Otter butt!

This guy couldn't be bothered to even stand up and say hello.

Llama butt

And of course, there was an elephant butt.

Elephant butt

You're welcome.

Bananas

You know you want me, baby

Wal-Mart (NYSE: WMT - News), which registered $405 billion in sales last year and is the largest retailer in the world, sold more bananas than any other single item.

This really surprised me. They sold more bananas than any other single item? They sold more bananas than LEGO's, Sham-Wow's, or plastic lawn flamingos?

They must have inflated their numbers a bit on that "Free banana with every purchase of $250 or more!" promotion.

Of course, they do make it easy to get your hands on a fine banana (pause here a moment to let P-Ziddy's hysterics die down a little). At Reasor's, the bananas are hidden. Best Buy won't sell them unless you also purchase an extended warranty. The bananas at Ikea aren't even pre-assembled.

"The Banana Superstore"... that has a nice ring to it. "Banana Boutique"... sounds expensive. "Fatuma's Bana Reserve"... sounds just ethnic enough to be trendy. Might be a good name for a rock n' roll band, too.

Man. Now I'm hungry.

Image Voices

Can you see me? I need to be seen!

Recently OoRah sent an email to all of his fellow programmers in the office. Without any context, he gave us a link to a web page he was working on. "Please click this," he said, "and let me know if the image at the top shows up."

I've certainly seen stranger requests. I clicked his link. The expected image showed up with no problem.

I was about to reply to his email when I heard the office conversation start up. Folks who sit close to him were turning around in their seats. OoRah was explaining the problem he was trying to track down.

Context is for losers

Legitimate context. PAH! I had no time for such nonsense. I got up and drifted over to the conversation. As I walked by I said;

"When I look at the image I hear the voice of the Beast, but other than that it's fine."

OoRah is usually pretty quick with witty comebacks, but he sputtered a long time after that one. :)

Shade

Check out our back porch. The window you're seeing is where our dining table lives. During the hottest parts of the day, the sun is blasting that window, which usually means we sweat while we eat.

On the plus side, our dinners don't go cold very quickly

We decided to try and do something about it. My parents recommended these roll-up shades.

"1/4 In. Oval Vinyl Rollup Shade

I decided to hang them myself. Jeff + Power Tools... what could go wrong?

But first I must measure twice. With the harsh sun directly in my eyes, naturally. I devised a way of hanging my hat from the tape measure to keep the sun out of my eyes while I marked spots.

I am SWEET BLITHERING GENIUS

After drilling pilot holes (I still have all my fingers!), it was time to knock the finish off these hooks with my pliers.

Stupid shine. Scratches rule!

Then we put the over-sized hooks into the tiny little ringlets...

I've fallen off the ladder 4 times by now

Finally, it was time to stand back and admire my work. Naturally, the sun had pretty much set by the time I was done, so we couldn't tell right away how much sun we blocked.

Later, I'll install a shower behind that curtain

So there you have it. I managed to hang a shade on the back porch without burying myself in the yard. Frankly, I was concerned. I had my wife on stand-by with a shovel in case I needed rescuing.

Funny Quotes

One more pot and I can fly!

I'll have a Cafe Mocha Vodka Valium Latte to go. Please.

You've been nothing but a dissapointment to me since the moment I met you.

Let's take a moment and think if I am a morning person... no.

From the email archive. Happy Friday!
-------------------------------------

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. <-- Jeff's favorite! :)

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Big Dawg Hit Me

And I was all like, "Owz!, dude."

Here's how it went down. We were in an office, but not the one where we both work. It was time to go home for the day.

I wish I could get *my* hair to do that

Princess Leia tries a new hair color

Big Dawg stood up and put on some headphones. They covered his ears and poof'ed out so much that it looked like he had Princess Leia hair. As he walked past my desk, I stuck one hand way up in the air, palm out, waiting.

He had walked completely past me when he noticed the hand. Grinning, Big Dawg turned around and raced over to me. He high-five'd my upturned hand so hard that he knocked me out of my chair.

At that point, I woke up with my wife's elbow in my side. "You need to roll over!", she protested. Oops.

When I went into work that morning I walked over to Big Dawg's desk. "I had a dream with you in it," I told him. Big Dawg's eyes widened in horror.

"You're gonna love it, because you got to hit me."

Big Dawg's smile nearly split his face in half. "Awesome!", he shouted. "Why did I hit you? Can I do it again?!?"

Sure, why not? :)

One Last Question

Web Ninja was having a bad day. He was trying to work on a project. He kept running into questions, and having to call me.

Fierce!

Respected!

Addicted to catnip!

That meant that I was having an interesting day, also. Every half-hour or so my phone would ring. It wasn't a big deal, but it was getting kinda predictable.

Mid-afternoon, the phone rang again. I made a mark on my tally sheet... 61 calls so far. Then I picked up the phone.

"I promise this is the last question I'm going to have today."

I nodded and wrote down the time.

Later, my phone rang again. I looked at the clock. It had been exactly 30 minutes since the last call. I grinned and picked up the phone.

"Since I know that you don't have any more questions, I have to assume that you're calling to compliment me."

There was a stuttering sound on the other end of the phone. "Uh... you rock?"

"Excellent," I responded. "Your offering has been deemed acceptable." I hung up.

I think I may try calling Web Ninja every half hour or so today. It sounds fun. :)

On A Hot Day

Fun Things To Do In The Excessive Heat

1) Fantasize about Scruffy in a dunk tank.

2) Watch all your outdoor possessions slowly melt.

3) Watch speeding highway drivers swerve to avoid fresh patches of disintegrating asphalt.

4) Roast marshmallows in the flames that spontaneously erupt in what's left of your yard.

5) Develop a protective layer of scorched blackened crispy smoking calluses on the bottom of your feet by walking on the pavement.

6) Make a healthy snack out of the birdseed that's started popping like popcorn.

7) Sun's furious rays are ideal for working on your Melanoma.

8) Engage in brain-strengthening thought exercises, like tying to remember what clouds look like.


As you can see, I don't *quite* have a top ten here. Help me out! What's the best thing about prolonged triple digit heat? It can't all be bad!

My Ninja Died

Nearly a year ago, my wife bought some super stretchy slightly sticky ninjas. I gave some away and kept one for a desk decoration.



Mine was blue, and he hung from my cubical wall on a thumbtack. He kept me safe from danger. He helped me file my tax returns. He baked cookies, and sang to me during my lunch breaks. He swore like a sailor.



Last week, I looked up and saw my ninja was broken! I guess his poor little stretchy arms just couldn't bear the weight.

I have no idea how long he'd been hanging there like that, but I suspect he wasn't going to last much longer.

Poor guy.

I want to give him a proper burial, but I fear the retribution of his clan.

Somewhere, hidden stretchy ninjas watch me, and wait for me to disgrace their fallen brother.

Minor Celeb Sighting: OSU Women's Basketball

My wife and I went out to dinner over the weekend. At the next table over, we saw Kurt Budke, coach of the Oklahoma State University Woman's Basketball team.

It was clearly him, not a look-alike. He had his wife and kids, plus his parents (or his in-laws). They brought their own monogram'ed orange Pistol Pete napkins. He was wearing OSU apparel, and the waitresses happily curtsied and called him, "Lord Budke".

We were impressed. As you all know, OSU Women's Basketball is the soul of my brief and otherwise dark existence. We went over to his table and introduced ourselves.

"I don't know who you're talking about," he claimed. There was a place card in front of him that said, "K. Budke". "That's not me," he said, unconvincingly. "We're squatters."

"C'mon, I just want an autograph." I was desperate. "I'll give you a quarter."

"Sorry, but my right hand is broken and immobile."

I looked down. He was dribbling a basketball under the table. "That's not *my* hand," he insisted.

Eventually we gave up. Later when he put his credit card down to pay, I leaned over and pointed. The name on the card was T. Boone Pickens.

"It's my maiden name," he said.

I finally got the lady two tables over to sign my napkin. I wanted an autograph, and by golly I got one!