Happy New Year!

Yeah, I'm taking the easy way out today.



See ya next year!

Christmas Presents At Work

Teddy

P-Ziddy made it to the top of my "nice" list this year with an unexpected gift. I call him "Theodor" (Teddy).

I offered to pay him back by being his humble man-servant for a day, but P-Ziddy wisely refused. I figure I would either fail magnificently and cause injury, or I'd be embarrassingly good at it. Either way, it was safer that I stay home and swoon with Teddy.

P-Ziddy only asked one question about the big moment... "Was LadyPatsFan there when you opened the present?"

"Of course not," I replied.

"Excellent."

Angry Monkey

Web Ninja drew a most excellent "Angry Monkey" picture. He snuck into my office and tacked it up in my cubical. (click into it for more detail, if you like)



He's holding a "Pessimists' Mug". Excellent.

The next day was even more excellent, though. He started calling people in my office, asking "Has Jeff seen his picture yet? Has he? HAS HE?"

The suspense was apparently getting to him.

I decided that if he broke down and called me, I was going to pretend I hadn't seen the picture yet. I even considered the idea of pretending I didn't know him.

"Have we met?"
"You're that horrible guy who dated my sister, aren't you?"
"I'm sure I'd remember somebody as wacked-out as you."
"You obviously don't know me... I don't even *like* monkeys."

Sadly, he never called me to ask.

My Christmas Was Better Than Yours

And I can prove it.



I bet *you* didn't get a huge coffee mug shaped like a toilet. Admit it. You're jealous. And it gets EVEN BETTER.

I also got a "regular" over-sized coffee mug.



That sucker holds 4 cups of coffee. It's as heavy as I am. *AW YEAH*

I also got a good story. During Christmas lunch my niece (8 years old) said, "Uncle Jeff will you sit by me?" As I sat down she pointed at the seats on her other side. "Mom will sit here and Dad will sit next to her."

My grandmother wandered over and sat in the "Dad" spot. Niece wrinkled her nose a bit and then grinned. "Mom will sit here and Dad will sit next to you," she improvised.

My grandfather wandered over and looked at the "Mom" spot. "Can I sit here?" he said. My niece shook her head side to side. Grandpa laughed and sat down anyway. "Don't worry," he said, "I don't bite."

"Don't worry," I added. "If he does bite, I'll protect you. Actually, no I won't." Niece looked at me like I was crazy (I get that a lot). She was clearly annoyed.

Her mom / My sister sat down next to me. Niece leaned across me to taddle. "Mom, Great-Grampa said that he might bite and Uncle Jeff said he wouldn't protect me."

I grinned and spoke to her. "It's OK, this is just how civilized people behave."

I got a "Eat Poopie And Die" glare. "You're not related to me."

'Tis the season to be kicked out of the family!

I'm A Captain!

So, I first saw this picture without any context... (click for full-size)



Eventually I saw the comments from my "Dawn Treadin'" blog post. Hurtful!

Even so, I can't complain. I'm a Captain! It's all good.

I hope you're not reading this on the day it was published, by the way. :)

Merry Christmas, all!

Office Christmas Party

The "Office Christmas Party" is always good for a laugh. We had our annual Dirty Santa gift exchange, which was dominated by tools this year.

Seriously, there were at least 4 different tool sets being passed around. There was also a tool tote/storage bag that a couple of guys wrestled over. I guess it's not a real man's tool bag unless it's got blood on it.

"You will blog about this"

Somebody commented that the little numbered slips we drew looked like fortune cookie innards. It reminded me of an old story... Once at a Chinese place with a group of co-workers from the Bad Place, I was called upon to read my fortune cookie to the whole table.

I looked at my slip and said, "You will die alone and afraid, secure in the knowledge that no one ever loved you... aw, I *always* get that one."

There were a couple of obvious DVD movies among the Dirty Santa presents. While one was being opened I pretended I could already see the title. "Oh!... Eat, Pray, Love!" The guy opening it brightened up quite a bit when he saw that it was actually Iron Man 2.

Good for what ails ya

The funniest gift by far was the Bacon Gift Sack. The guy pulled out a little card that read, "There are 5 bacon-related items in this sack!" He pulled out bacon-ranch dressing, bacon lip balm, and bacon soda. I don't remember all the bacon-items in there, but I do remember that once he got them all out, there were six.

I couldn't help myself. I shouted, "There are at least five and perhaps as many as FOURTEEN bacon-related items in this sack!"

I'm such a pain. I don't think they're going to let me back next year.

TSO

Last Thursday my wife and I attended a Trans-Siberian Orchestra Concert. Orchestra, Theater, and Rock n' roll... it was great.

The guitarists were beautiful long-haired men in tuxedos. The stage lights were intense. The volume was thunderous. And virtually all of the "stage-front" folks stood bow-legged.

I shall demonstrate.

The narrator and singers stood with a slight V, like they were afraid of being knocked over by a stiff breeze.


Invisible Microphone!

The violinist stood as if one leg was broken and she was being electrocuted.


Invisible Violin!

Most of the guitarists stood bow-legged, like they were riding a horse.


Invisible Guitar!

The alpha-male guitarist did the same, but with a wider stance. It looked like he was trying to ride a brontosaurus.


Invisible Brontosaurus!

By the way, if you feel the need to Photoshop any of these pics, feel free. :) Just click into them for larger versions.

Dawn Treadin'

My wife and I saw Naria: Voyage of the Dawn Treader last weekend.

It's a pretty good movie by any measure. It also has, as far as I can tell, the coolest sequel name *ever*.

Seriously... before I figured out that "Dawn Treader" was a boat, I had no idea what the title was talking about. It sounds cool while conveying no meaning whatsoever.

Any movie would benefit from having "Voyage of the Dawn Treader" as its Sequel title. Just consider:



GhostBusters 3: Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

Admit it. It works. It doesn't mean anything, but it *works*.



Even More Jaws: Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

This voyage will end badly. I went with "even more" because I have no idea how many sequels Jaws has, nor do I care enough to look it up.

But my favorite...



Attack of the 50 Foot Woman Part 2: Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

Admit it. You'd pay money to watch this baby on the big screen. I know I would.

Nicknames / Cups

You Can't Choose Your Nickname

At the office, we were having a conversation about nicknames. Somebody mentioned how rough childhood nicknames could be. Big Dawg said, "The last time I told somebody a childhood nickname of mine, they started using it. Never again."

It's not a good nickname unless it brings you shame

Somebody else asked where the nicknames come from on my blog. Web Ninja said, "You don't get to choose your nickname. You're at Jeff's mercy."

I nodded and agreed. "You should never pass up an opportunity to nickname somebody." To illustrate my point, I gestured toward Big Dawg and said: "Gladys."

Everybody laughed and Big Dawg admitted, "That's not as bad as the names from childhood."

If anyone reading this knew Big Dawg when he was a kid... I have to know. Please.

=====================

Sippie Cups

Insert humorous caption here

Big Dawg ordered a "customized insulated tumbler"... it's a double-walled drinking glass with the Oklahoma State University logo on the front and his name on the back.

He was thrilled when the package came. He pulled out the orange "sipper" lid with delight, but the next item wasn't orange. It was pink.

It was a pink tumbler, with the Missouri Tigers logo on it. It had somebody else's initials on the back.

When he described the atrocity to me and OoRah, I couldn't help but grin. "So you're saying that you bought an over-priced pink sippie-cup?"

OoRah (father with several girls) piled on. "Pink sippie cups? I've got a whole pile of those back home you can have."

Big Dawg turned him down, but I'm still kinda considering it. I could drink my coffee from a pink sippie cup. It would be interesting to see how people react to that. :)

Advice

Web Ninja came by my desk a last week and opened himself up for ridicule.

"Hey Jeff," he said. "I was wondering if you could give me some advice."

You're just jealous.

"Sure," I happily replied. "I think you should get a haircut. You look like a punk."

Web Ninja's mouth fell open. It took a few seconds, but he eventually managed to make a small "... wha? ..." sound.

OoRah (standing nearby) laughed. Web Ninja looked at him. "Come on, ..." he pleaded.

OoRah just grinned. "You *did* ask for advice."

I piled on. "Yeah, you really should have been specific."

People rarely come to me more than once for advice. This is, of course, all according to my plan.

Code Hard

This *is* my good shirt

I saw a note from a customer the other day. This happens all the time, of course, but this one stood out to me because of the customer's name.

"John McClane."

Yippee-ki-yay, baby. Aw yeah! I'm no expert, but I think this means I get to shoot anybody I want as long as I'm witty.

'tis the season

I printed the customer's note and then wrote on it with a red Sharpie, "Now I have a machine gun. Ho-Ho-Ho." Then I hung it in the nearby freight elevator.

I'm in love!

I considered asking OoRah to dress up as Santa and sit in the elevator next to the note, but I figured he'd decline since there was no actual gun-play involved.

By the way, did you know you can order "Now I have a machine gun..." mugs from Cafe Press?

Yeah, I'm pretty easy to shop for. :)

Sound The Alarm

I has a grumpy

Why is it that smoke detectors never go "low battery" during daylight hours?

We had a chirping incident at around 2:30 AM last week. We changed all the batteries but the stupid things kept chirping. I had a cold, it was the middle of the dang night, and replacing batteries didn't work. It was infuriating.

Finally, we (falsely) identified one of the detectors as defective and ripped it off the wall. The chirping stopped.

Two mornings later, the chirping started again.

You didn't think I'd use a Civil War pic here, did you?

I decided to take a "Scorched Earth" approach to things. I took every detector off the walls and pulled out all the batteries. The chirping didn't stop.

I learned something valuable during that angry, angry morning. Something that I will not soon forget.

I learned that we also have a carbon monoxide detector.

*sigh*

They hate me

At my old job ("the bad place") there was a full day of fire alarm testing that I can *still* hear in my nightmares. Back in May we had two full days of fire alarm testing here at my current job. And then at home last week, my smoke and carbon monoxide detectors double-teamed me to tears.

One of these days, one of these life-saving alarm whizzers is going to be the death of me.

Winner!

My wife found a local weekly contest / drawing on one of our Facebook groups. We entered the contest a couple of times and got REALLY excited when we saw a previous week's winner get a Snuggie!

You might recall, I won a Snuggie last year...

It's the blanket with AWESOME

We knew it was unlikely that we'd win, and even more unlikely that a Snuggie would be given out each week. But when my wife announced *she* won the weekly contest, I have to admit that visions of a second Snuggie were dancing in my head.

"What did we win?", I asked. I was pretty jazz'ed.

"We won an M&M's dispenser." I prompted switched from jazz to blues n' funk.

Granted, this little guy is pretty cute.

I'm here to claim your soul! Ha!

But we already have a few of these things.

The new guy's wearing tights! *Now* it's a party!

That doesn't count the 1 (or two) still in packages unopened, plus the one I have on my desk at work, and the several we've thrown out over the years.

I strongly suspect we'll end up with another couple of these things for Christmas, possibly including a duplicate of our new little elf guy.

I guess you can never have too many.

Bean Dip

I was looking at this label, and a thought hit me...



"Original Flavor". It's bean dip, for crying out loud. What other flavors could there be?



Ah, chicken-flavored bean dip. Makes my stomach do a nifty little lurch. And then there's...



I might actually try a bacon-flavored bean dip. Not sure I'd *like* it, but I'd probably try it.



Aaaaaannnd there went the appetite.



"Salmon"? Um. Interesting choice.



Balsa wood. Solid, but more or less chewy.



Cilantro? Nice.



All I can say about "Squid Ink" is, at least it's not...



"Old Banana Surprise". Horrifyingly awesome.

Traveling Saleman

Check snopes.com for delivery date

Almost two months ago, a Negligent Boy Scout knocked on our door. We didn't know at the time that he would be negligent, we just knew that he was selling Boy Scout Popcorn.

We bought a package and was told that he'd come back in two weeks to deliver.

About 4 weeks into our popcorn vigil my wife and I decided to come to terms with reality. There would be no popcorn. Our dreams had been forgotten, our desires would be denied. We cried ourselves to sleep that night. Outside, angels wept for us.

Last week, the doorbell rang. It was the Negligent Boy Scout's mom, and she had our popcorn. My wife grilled her. "Why did it take so long? Don't you live in this neighborhood?"

"Well, we used to." "You moved?" "Yeah, we sold everybody around here a bunch of poop and then we hit the road."

We haven't tried our popcorn yet. We're a little afraid of the flavor.