Wire Art (From The Email Archive)

Two, Short, Mildly Amusing

It was kind of a long week last week, so I don't have much for you. Here's a couple of short stories... I couldn't quite make a full post out of either of them. :)

OW! Why does it do the burning?!?

Injury Count

I learned that I don't have to have actual coffee to wake up in the morning. Burning my hand on the coffee pot works just as well. *That* was a fun morning.

Later that day I was talking to Scruffy about all my recent ailments. Scruffy thought about it for a while and then said, "You know, ... I don't remember the last time I hurt myself badly."

I laughed. "You don't remember the last time you had a major injury, and I don't remember how many I've had this week."

Can You Help Me With... Never Mind

OoRah came over to my desk. "I need your help with something," he said.

OoRah didn't get very far into his problem description when inspiration hit him. "...and I can't do *that* because... or maybe... actually, I *could* do this instead..."

Life was simpler when everybody used stone tablets

I didn't have to say a word, and the problem was fixed. "Never mind!", he said. "Thanks!"

A few minutes later, I hit a problem that I needed help with. I wandered over to Big Dawg's desk. I didn't get very far in my problem description before inspiration struck. "...see, I can't do *that* because... or maybe... actually, I *could* do this instead..."

Big Dawg didn't say a word, and the problem was fixed. "Never mind!", I said. "Thanks!"

I worked for another 15 minutes before I realized what had happened. I went over to OoRah's desk and told him about my conversation with Big Dawg. "I was just on both sides of the same conversation in a 5 minute span!"

What can I say? It was hilarious at the time. :)

Funkmaster Flex

Funkmaster gives you wiiiiiiiings....

LadyPatsFan came by to tell me about the car they almost bought.

They were car shopping and came across a used "Funkmaster Flex" Ford Expedition. I was instantly hooked. "Funkmaster"? Could it get any better than driving car named "Funkmaster"?

LadyPatsFan's description of the car was hilarious, but I completely lost it on her description of the car's logo. "F M F, with the first F backwards so it looks like wings..."

I wiped tears away and said, "I was beginning to think there was no more beauty in this messed-up world of ours."

Maarek pondered, "I wonder if any other washed-up old-school rappers have limited edition car models out there."

P-Ziddy's suggestion: The Vanilla Ice Exclusive Gremlin

I suggested he do a search for "MC Hammer" and "Dodge."

Maarek also suggested that I get a picture of me standing in front of a Funkmaster so that people could Photoshop it. OoRah replied, "Why would you even *need* to Photoshop it?"

By the end of the conversation everybody seemed pretty shocked that I wasn't running out to get one. Granted it would be hilarious, but I usually prefer a (much) less expensive punchline. :)

Getting The Upper Hand

Web Ninja and Maarek were attempting to have an office discussion. They reached a point of misunderstanding at the phrase, "in the line of fire."

Web Ninja would say, "I can't get out of the line of fire," which (to him) meant that he was going to be responsible for the task that needed to be done no matter his excuse. Maarek would say, "You need to get out of the line of fire," which (to him) was a joking implication that literal weapon fire would be coming.

Either way, I think you're safe

The conversation kept getting louder as each of them wondered what was causing the confusion. "You can get out of the line of fire!" "I can't... no matter where I go, I'm in the line of fire!"

While they bickered, I stepped over near OoRah. "They are using the same words but meaning completely different things. Who do you think is going to snap first?"

OoRah pondered this for a very brief moment. "I don't know. Maarek has all the facts but Web Ninja's got a beard."

"Too close to call, then?" "Yeah."

I know rock / paper / scissors, but I don't know who wins this one.

Lumpy

I walked over to OoRah's desk last week to ask him something, but he wasn't there.

To the rest of the office, I gestured at OoRah's chair and said, "Has anybody seen Lumpy?"

I honestly don't know where that name came from. It seemed to be a winner, though... M16 nearly fell out of his chair laughing. Everybody giggled uncontrollably for minutes. When OoRah came back to his desk, Maarek casually said, "Hi Lumpy." OoRah didn't *quite* hear him... you could see the "Naw, I must have just misheard" look cross his face. It was most excellent.

A full day later OoRah appeared at my desk. "Lumpy?", he asked.

I grinned. "Hey, that was the best joke I've had in three days. I'm gonna run with it a while."

I am constantly amazed that he lets me live.

Dinner For Schmucks

We saw "Dinner for Schmucks". Oh my. Full disclosure... it's crude in places, but hilarious.

I was in love from the beginning. A guy is invited to a special dinner with the executives at his office. He is instructed to bring along an "extraordinary" guest. During dinner, the boss will decide whose guest is the best.

"You mean," this character summarizes, "... that we invite a bunch of idiots to dinner and make fun of them?"

My mind nearly exploded with possibilities. I looked over at my wife, eyes wide, clapping my hands, squealing with glee. "We should totally do that!", I gasped.

My wife was skeptical. "I don't think anyone would invite you," she said.

Ouch.

This Has Got To Go

Three's Company!

Web Ninja came by our office recently. He was talking to SpanFan and M16 about some of the projects we're all working on.

As I walked by their discussion I saw M16 pointing at something on the screen. "This has got to go," he was saying.

Clearly, they were talking about changes to our project. Most likely something minor, like changing the way that particular web page looks.

Even though I could easily tell what they were talking about, I decided to pretend otherwise. I walked past the group and said, "All I heard you guys say was, 'this has got to go.'" I pointed at Web Ninja. "I agree."

My vengeance will be prolonged, foul bringer of misery...

Web Ninja glared daggers at me. A soft growl rumbled up from the back of his throat.

Web Ninja usually has no problem coming up with snarky replies to my snarky nonsense. Either he was having a *really* bad day, or he just simply doesn't want to play anymore.

Ha! As if that will save him. :)

Too Much Excitement

Target Acquired...

We had an eventful three days last week.

Most of houses around us have brick mailboxes. Cars smack into those things all the time. We woke up one morning last week to find bricks all over a neighbor's yard to the east. The homeowner is a crotchety old guy who spent most of that day slowly walking around in his yard and muttering. He kept swatting the bricks with the end of his cane and cursing.

Near midnight that night, we heard a car alarm a few houses south of us. It must have had a short or electrical malfunction, because nobody was messing with it.

The police eventually came out... two cars with four officers. I guess they weren't taking any chances, despite the lack of *actual* car thieves.

I wasn't speeding. I was flying at low altitude.

The best part was the speeder. Some moron came roaring down the (residential!) street going at least 45. He saw the cop cars and his rear tires nearly came off the ground as he stopped. Instantly he was surrounded by 4 jumpy cops who already had their hands on their pistols. My wife and I nearly cried from laughing so hard.

What can I say? We hate residential speeders. Plus, everything is funnier at midnight.

Redecorating!

The next evening I heard a crash outside. Our neighbor across the street had just run his car into his own mailbox. Bricks everywhere.

He told me that he stomped on the clutch instead of the brake. He's a large fellow, so aside from "Are you OK?", we didn't question him further.

The next night, nothing happened. We kept waking up anyway, looking out the windows at every little noise. By morning, *we* looked like the ones who had an accident. "Are you two OK?" "Fine... we just didn't sleep last night." "What happened?" "Nothing."

Guys kept nudging me with their elbows and winking. I never figured out why.

Don't Laugh

Ever tell a joke on yourself, and people laugh harder than they should?

Just like a Michael Jackson glove...?

I mentioned a while ago that I've been wearing a wrist brace at work. It's just a simple repetitive stress injury... in fact it doesn't even hurt anymore, I'm just being over-cautious since I seem to break easily these days.

A gentleman I will not nickname was in our office last week, and he saw me with the wrist brace on. "Jeff!," he shouted. "What happened?!?"

There was genuine concern in his voice. I'd be a fool not to take advantage of that. I shrugged and said, "You should see the *other* guy."

Our office visitor literally roared with laughter. "YEAH RIGHT!!!"

I was stunned and honestly a little hurt. I forced a smile and completed the joke, ("The poor guy's *covered* in nerd blood!"), but inside I was thinking, "Man, you didn't have to laugh *quite* so hard at that one."

Wax on... Dork off...

Heck, even P-Ziddy usually isn't *that* harsh.

Is it really so hard to believe that I might have super-secret nerd-ninja skillz of doom?

Actually... maybe you'd better not answer that.

I'm going to have to think up a new story for the next time somebody asks.

Dorking!

Apparently Charlie Sheen is more important than the Federal Budget, unrest in the Middle East and the collective bargaining rights of the NFL Players Union, combined. Crazy, huh?

I turned on a local talk radio station to get a weather report, and they were playing clips of recent Charlie Sheen interviews. It ended, naturally, when Charlie shouted "WINNING!" at an interviewer.

Isn't it obvious?

It got me thinking:

1) Charlie Sheen is an idiot.

2) If a proven idiot can artificially boost his confidence and self-worth with a one-word catch-phrase, why can't I? If it works for him, it should work at least double for me.

OK, OK... maybe it'll work 1.3 times as well for me. Let's not quibble over the details.

Anyway, I've picked my arbitrary one-word confidence-boosting catch phrase. Are you ready for it? You skipped over the title of this post, right?

I've got dorkblood!

It's: DORKING.

That's right, baby. Busted-up hinder? It's all good, I'm just DORKING! High gas prices? DORKING! Found another gray hair? DORKING!

You have no idea how awesome it is to be me. I'm DORKING, and you're not.

This is gonna be a good week.

DORKING!

Kitty Commands It

Google Images: "Hello Kitty Car Seat Cover"... it's amazing how many results come up

But... I don't *like* Spam!

You never know what you'll see on the mean streets of downtown Tulsa.

I was standing at an intersection waiting to cross. A cute little hatchback car slowly cruised through. I could see inside the windows... every seat in the car had a huge Hello Kitty face on it.

"Aw, how cute," I thought. "It's a cute-mobile!"

The car drove on past. The bumper stick on the back said "Eat (stuff)."

The word started with "S". It wasn't "Sandwiches".

Hello Kitty told me to eat... stuff.

I wonder what I did to annoy the Kitty?

Brown Chicken Brown Cow

I've not traditionally been a Trace Adkins fan, although that may need to change. This Muppet-packed video is hilarious in all kinds of distressing ways. The Muppets in it are awesome. Did I mention it's got Muppets?

By the way, this video may cause kids of a certain age to start asking Bird/Bee questions. Or, Chicken/Cow questions, as the case may be.

Your Table Is Not Ready

My wife and I went out to dinner with some out-of-town friends. We showed up early at the restaurant and got our names on the list. The lady at the hostess stand gave me one of those buzzer thingies and said it would be 20 minutes or so.

You will be seated at a time and place of *our* choosing, you helpless little diphthong

We walked outside to wait and the buzzer went off. Confused, I went back in.

The hostess instantly tried to herd me to a table. It took a few minutes before they figured out they'd buzzed the wrong group.

I went back outside to wait.

5 minutes later, the buzzer went off again. Our friends still hadn't shown up, so I was prepared to tell them to skip us for a while. "Oh, you're table's not ready," the hostess explained. "I just hit your button by mistake. Sorry!"

I went back outside to wait. Again.

The buzzer went off. I pushed my way back inside. The hostess said, "Would you like to take a menu outside with you while you wait?" She was giggling.

I went back outside to wait. Again.

Dance! Dance for your table! Dance until your shoes fall off, my helpless little puppet!

The buzzer went off. I pushed through the crowd yet again. The hostess made no attempt to disguise her motive. "I'm deliberately messing with you," she explained. "I have a bet with the manager. He thinks you'll break down and cry after another 10 minutes or so." She winked. "I think it'll be quicker than that."

I went back outside to wait. Our friends showed up. The next time the buzzer went off, I let the big guy in the group lead us in.

The hostess' eyes flashed with terror. "Right this way!", she squeaked. We were seated.

She and her manager both lost the bet that day, because neither of them figured my reaction would be "resort to violence".