Some Funnies

Well, I've already gotten a "Photoshop Jeff" pic, and I wanted to go ahead and share it early because I love it. This is from Short-Timer:



Obviously, Short-Timer doesn't have enough to do at his new job. This arrived in my inbox minutes after 5 yesterday. :)


From one of those forwarded email thingies...
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How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast:


Jewish Olympic Swimmer:

Photoshop Jeff The Third

It's that time again. It wasn't going to be that time again, what with Big Dawg's first day at work and all. But as it turns out, the only noteworthy "storytelling" thing that happened was that his computer would reboot every time he ejected his CD-ROM tray.

So instead, I resort to making fun of myself. Or rather, letting you make fun of me.

Let's see what you can do with this. The theme is pretty obvious... "What is Jeff frightened of?"

Have fun. :) Send submissions to jeff.w.mcclung, @gmail.com.



Remember, when you click into this you'll see this image's Flickr page. Then, click "All Sizes" to get the full thingie. Results will be posted late next week.

These Are Not My Pants

At work yesterday, I was having a conversation with Slim. He was talking about some updates that we need to make to our site, and how these changes should look.

He leaned over across my desk to point at something on my monitor. "Ah! Dang!..." he suddenly shouted, and started flailing away wildly at his legs.

Clearly, the conversation topic had deviated. "Did you just slam your leg up against my desk?" I asked.

"No," he said, and I swear I'm not making this next part up. "It's just that my pants are too long. It annoys me, and it... well, you know, stupid little things like that annoy me."

There was a moment of stunned silence. Then I said, "Slim, the less I hear about your pants, the better."

Bonus Story

My wife was shopping at Target yesterday, and found something outstanding. Specially marked packages of Tums include a Hotwheels / Matchbox type die-cast car!

It's a little Dodge Charger race car! I love it!

I'm 4 years old again. :)

Double-Bonus Day!

Today is Big Dawg's first day at work here! He's joining us from the same company I left to get here. It's a good day.

Food Network

Sunday afternoon, my wife and I were looking for something to park the TV on. I suggested the Food Network, since we could be pretty certain that it wouldn't be distracting or offensive.

She punched in the number on the remote. We both looked up and saw Giada De Laurentiis swimming along in a bikini.

We exchanged glances. "Uhh....."

The show we jumped in on was "Giada in Paradise", which is proof of that old saying: If you're cute and Italian, the Food Network will send you to exotic places (Just ask Rachael Ray).

Every time she flashed that massive toothy smile of hers, I couldn't help but think, "This is why she's on the Food Network. With teeth like that, she can eat anything."

Bonus Story

We know a guy, a friend of a friend. He's got a 3-year old daughter, and his wife is pregnant. They've been telling their daughter that she's going to have a little brother or sister soon.

Now, she's proudly going around and telling people, "I'm gonna have a brothersister!"

Obviously, the parents are hoping for a single-gendered child. I hope this doesn't disappoint the 3-year old too much.

Saturday Stories

My wife's old college friend Cat came down to spend Saturday with us. Naturally, I have stories.

Words, words, words

During lunch, Cat had a "forgotten noun" moment. This is when you're telling a story and forget a word. Then you grope madly for the word while feeling like a dolt. I do this far more often than I would care to admit.

She was talking about Tulsa's famous "Buried Car". "Why would they bury a car under the ... uh... the... thing where... uh..."

"Water table?", I suggested.

"Yes! That!", Cat shouted, with a sigh.

Later, I had a similar "forgotten noun" moment and my wife supplied the word I needed. Then, she had one and Cat came to the rescue. This happened to us at least 5 times during the conversation.

"You know," I said, "between the three of us we have just enough vocabulary for one person."

Arcade?

At the mall, Cat and my wife decided to check out the women's shoe section of a department store. This is like Kryptonite to most of us males, so I politely excused myself.

I discovered that the Promenade mall in Tulsa has the absolute lamest arcade I have ever seen. How do I define lame? It had:

- 4 video games, all of which were generic "Point Plastic Gun at Screen and Shoot" types from at least a decade ago.

- 2 of those "claw" machines, where a metal claw drops down into a bin of toys and fails to collect anything.

- 1 "Pink Panther" teeter-totter thing that looked like it could hold about 12 pounds worth of kid.

- 0 Customers.

Card Game

Saturday evening, we had a card game goin' with us, Cat, Scruffy and Genie. It's one of those games where you move from seat to seat depending on who won the last round. I spent a lot of time in the loser's seat that night.

Then, after one particular round, I finished third instead of last! I got to move up to a more comfy chair. Cat had to move down to the loser's chair.

"Well, at least you kept this seat warm for me," she quipped.

"Don't ask how." I replied.

It was some time before regular activities could be resumed. In addition to the gut-wrenching laughter, Genie's eyes were bugged out to an unnatural degree and Cat was making snorting noises. 'Twas fun.

Dang Wolves

One of our Marketers is a guy I call Slim. Slim and I recently worked on a system of upgrades for our newspaper's Classified Ads.

To test the upgrades, Slim put in a fake ad. He told me, "If you see an ad in the paper for puppies that says, 'Call for more info!', with no phone number, you'll know it's me."

Sure enough, the ad ran. The upgrades worked. All was happy.

The fun began the second day the ad ran. It was noticed by one of our company's Ad-Takers, who recognized Slim's name. "Oh," she thought, "Slim put in an ad and forgot to list his number. I'll do him a favor." She looked up his home phone number, and added it to the listing.

Saturday morning, Slim's phone started to ring. "Do you still have any of those Yorkie-Poodles?" Slim was mortified.

A natural salesman, Slim immediately resorted to his old tricks. He lied. "No ma'am, they're all gone. Sorry you missed your chance!"

The first few callers were a repeat of this experience. But around mid-morning there was a caller who didn't just want to know if the fictional puppies were available. She wanted hard details. "Just what exactly *is* a Yorkie / Poodle mix?"

Exasperated, Slim said, "Look, it doesn't really matter because the neighbor's wolves already got them." "What?!? Are you serious?" "Sorry ma'am, I've got to go."

From then on, this was his first response to callers. "Sorry, but the neighbor's wolves already got all my puppies. Have a nice day!"

Dang wolves. :)

The Price *Used* To Be Right

I'm sure you've seen / heard the news about Bob Barker. After 35 years of hosting The Price Is Right (TPIR), he has retired. TPIR was a fun show to watch. During the summers of my school years, I would watch it daily. During college, if I didn't have a class at 9 A.M., I would watch it. I recorded Barker's last episode and watched it. It was simple, but great.

Now comes the terrifying thought of who his replacement might be. Apparently, Rosie O'Donnell wants to be the next host of TPIR.

This horrifies me for lots of reasons. One, I despise Rosie. Two, I love TPIR. Three,... Barker endorses her. It's enough to make me never have a pet spayed or neutered.

I think the most unrealistic part of the whole thing is, I can't possibly imagine her shutting up long enough for one of the contestants to be able to talk.

"Is the next number in the price of the car a 5, or a 7?"
"Hmm.. I think I'm gonna go with ..."
"WELL! SPEAK, CRETIN!"
"Er.. I think..."
"My lifestyle is above reproach!"
"I'm gonna pick number..."
"Donald Trump's hair is FAKE!!!"

The thought of it makes me very sad. *sigh*

Bonus Story

Yesterday, one of the Ukrainian press room workers across the hall from me visited a nearby vending machine. Whatever she bought, she dropped. Her "Oh! Oh! Oh!" laughter sounded an awful lot like a monkey hooting. It amused me. :)

Shorties, Part 3

One last story from the weekend

My parents have a hot tub on their back porch. Naturally, Niece (5) and Nephew (7) think this is the coolest thing in the world.

Shortly after lunch, the begging began. I was in the kitchen with Mom and Dad, and Nephew came running in. "Grandpa," he said, "Can I go show Uncle Jeff how I can swim in the hot tub?"

Instant silliness ensued.

Mom: "You can't get in right now! Do you know what time it is?"
Dad: "It's 1:57. You can't get in the hot tub at 1:57."
Me: "No one swims at 1:57."
Dad: "You'll cramp up."

Nephew had a half-confused, half-heartbroken look on his face. He wasn't sure if we were being serious or not.

Dad reached for his glass of iced tea. Looking at Dad as he took a drink, I said, "*You* might cramp up."

I spoke at the perfect moment. Dad spit his drink back out into his glass and gasped with laughter. Since the tea went back into his glass and not on the floor, I didn't have to face the wrath of Mom (which is why this was the perfect moment).

I can't generally zing Dad quite like that, 'cause he zings back. :) I was pleased.

An Offering

While my wife and I were walking around the neighborhood last night, we passed by a couple up on their 2nd-floor balcony.

Out of nowhere, a voice from above shouted to us, "Hey, do you guys want a cat?"

Somehow, having a cat offered to us by a shirtless* chain-smoking couple from 10 feet above just didn't sound all that appealing. We politely declined. I was afraid that if we said yes, they'd pick it up and throw it down to us.

Therefore, today we are still cat-less. H'ray!


*Yes, both were shirtless. The lady-thing had a Sports-Bra-Ish thing on. This did not compliment her figure in the least. Ew.

Shorties, Part 2

Frisbee Mutt

My parents have a small-ish dog named Gus. Gus is a good boy who really enjoys chasing his Frisbee. He also really enjoys air conditioning. Last weekend while visiting my folks, Nephew threw the Frisbee for Gus. Gus chased it out into the yard, then took it inside with him. He proceeded to look as pathetic as he could, begging us all to come inside where it was cool.

Once inside, Nephew was instructed to only toss the Frisbee into the open area of the living room, and to toss it very gently. That way, Gus could play catch, and not run into anything (or anybody).

Nephew tossed the Frisbee so gently that it didn't really go anywhere. "Rawooff!" Gus launched himself at the moderately airborne Frisbee. It was still only about 3 inches in front of Nephew.

Once we picked Nephew up off the floor, he was pretty content to just let Grandpa play fetch with Gus.

Jeff McClung, International Blog Star

That's right, I'm now famous across the big pond! For a very liberal definition of the word "famous", of course.

According to Google Analytics, somebody in Thames Ditton, Great Britain, found me by searching for "Kim Jong Costume". Specifically, they found this moment of greatness from Boy Wonder - Master Of Disguise.

So here's a shout-out to my one good (fleeting?) friend in Thames Ditton! Hope you found what you were lookin' for.

Slinky

A friend shared this thought late last week. It was so good, I wrote it on my whiteboard for all to enjoy. I may be paraphrasing slightly, but here goes:

"Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs."

Quite so, quite so. :)

Shorties, Part 1

Stop! Thief!

Today is Powerama's first day at work here! I shamelessly stole him away from his (our) old employer to a better land.

And this isn't the last one. Mid-week of next week, Big Dawg starts. I'm excited. It feels like I'm pulling people from a burning building.

Birthday Gift

About 2 weeks ago, a family friend dropped by my mom's house and gave her two square pieces of particle board. "It's for your grandkids," she explained. "They can lay on the living room floor and use these as bottoms for their coloring books."

Mom thanked her. Later, the kids came by for Gramma and Grampa to baby-sit. Mom handed the particle board pieces to them. "These are for you to color on," she explained. 5 minutes later, the kids were done. They colored on the boards themselves.

That same day, Mom mentioned to them that Uncle Jeff's birthday was coming up. "Oh," the kids said, "Well, we'll just give him these for his birthday."

Therefore, among my birthday gifts are two squares of particle board (about 18 inches square), with kiddie drawings on them. The one that Niece drew has a figure with very large hair. She says it's me. I complimented her on her ability to see into my past.

Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer

We saw this movie over the weekend. 'Twas quite good. I would say that it's better than the first Fantastic Four movie.

If nothing else, this movie has the absolute best of Stan Lee's cameo appearances. It's magnificent.

Me So Silly

This is just a couple of shorty story things. Some of you have heard these over the past day or so. For those who have, I recommend you scroll down. Take in a second viewing of the dog vid in yesterday's post. :)

Lysol Blow-Back

A couple of days ago, I had an opportunity to use Lysol. I grabbed the can, and stretched out my arm. With can held at arm's length, I pressed the thingy. That was when I learned that I was holding the can backwards. I sprayed myself more or less directly in the face.

Just imagine your favorite cartoon character, holding a can out as far as he can and then blasting himself full-on with yummy chemicals. That was me.

Thankfully, a half-hour later my breathing had returned more or less to normal.

Slick Streets

There has been so much rain in Oklahoma over the past few weeks that the ground can no longer contain it. For several days, water had been seeping out of the ground near our apartment's parking lot, over the curb and into the lot. It had been constantly wet for at least 3 solid days. Yesterday morning when I went out to my car, I discovered a layer of green algae stretching across the parking lot.

Algae is slick stuff. I slipped across the green slime parking lot like a drunk skater.

Thankfully, that stuff has dried up for the moment. But more rain is in the forecast...

Cats n' Dogs

As if it isn't obvious, I don't have much to write about today. "Blah", n' stuff.

Anyway, enjoy these vids. :)

Senseo Mistakes

It's been almost a year since I got my Senseo coffee thingie. It has served me well. But every once in a great while, ya just gotta try something different. Sometimes these periods of experimentation are met with great success. This is not one of those times.

I read several reviews of re-usable filters for the Senseo, which would allow me to use non-Senseo coffee grounds in the machine. There's not a single re-usable filter out there that somebody doesn't hate. Hm. However, more than a few people suggested just taking a regular filter and wadding it up, stuffing it into the spot where a regular pod would go. Hm.

After careful experimentation, I can promise you nothing but hilarity when you use non-Senseo filters in the machine. For a very liberal definition of the word "hilarity", that is.

The first time I tried it, the filter wasn't wadded up enough. The machine didn't seal. When a Senseo doesn't seal properly, the term "blast radius" comes into play. There was lots of water to clean up.

The second time I tried it, there weren't enough grounds in the filter. Light brown water! Ah, just what the doctor ordered.

The third time I tried it, the filter was wadded up just a tiny bit too loose. Water dribbled around the sides of the machine. Light brown water filled my cup.

The forth time I tried it, I used too many grounds. When you use too many grounds, the machine doesn't seal, ... you get the idea. Blast Radius. *sigh*

I'm just about through the tiny bag of grounds that I bought. Then, I go back to the regular pods. The machine doesn't burp at me when I use regular pods.

Turtle Races

Back in mid-May I wrote about my nephew's stinky turtles. He found them, and insisted that Grandma and Grandpa (my mom and dad) keep them for the Turtle Races in June.

Mom and Dad faithfully kept the foul, stinky critters in a laundry basket in the backyard for two months. The day before the annual Turtle Races, one of them got away.

After much searching, it was determined that he was officially "gone". Mom and Dad found another turtle at a nearby pond. While they were searching, my sister also found another turtle. So did someone else. My parents had been down one turtle, but ended up with four total by the end of the day.

The Turtle Races arrived. Nephew (7) and Niece (5) both picked a turtle, and went down for the morning "run". Nephew's turtle came in second. Niece's turtle came in last.

For the afternoon "run", Nephew and Niece grabbed the other two turtles. Nephew's turtle came in second. Niece's turtle came in last.

After it was all said and done, Nephew suggested that Grandma should keep the turtles for next year's race. Grandma, who was looking forward to being able to breath on her back porch again, firmly said no. Finally, the saga of the stinky turtles is over.