Art For Auntie

On my side of the family, we have a very sweet Auntie who is 85 years old. My mother decided it would be nice to have the grandkids (my niece and nephews) color pictures for her.

Mom's instructions were simple. "You color the pictures, I'll mail them to Auntie."

My art is
my life

My niece (9 years old) chose to color in a squirrel.

She signed the picture, and then wrote on it:

"Auntie... you're the nuts!"

I love it. This is going to be my standard "Attaboy" response from now on.

"Hey OoRah... nice job on those TPS reports. You're the nuts!"

"Officer, thanks for chasing down that mugger. You're the nuts!"

"Thanks for remembering my birthday, Honey. You're the nuts!"

Oh, this is gonna be fun. :)

The A/C Hero

brb... Spongebob's on!

"I think he thought he was wearing a cape."

That's how my wife described the A/C repairman who came out to our house recently.

We have a leak and we know it, but it'll take (potentially) a couple of days for them to fix it. We've been big Freon consumers this season.

Anyway, the repairman was an enthusiastic optimist who confused easily. "You have a leak?," he pondered. "Why do you only want Freon?"

My wife pointed out that it's still summer, still 100 degrees out, and two days without A/C is not a good option at this point. "But it might not take that long to find the leak," he protested. "Let me up in your attic."

He pulled the string on the bottom of our attic stairs. "Poink!" The string broke. He stood there a minute, just staring at the limp strands. "Uh... Sorry."

He tossed the string aside and stretched for half that was still attached. Stairs down, he bounded up like Spiderman leaping into a burning building.

Plus I think I got a splinter

Two seconds later, he bounded back down the stairs. "It's *hot* up there!", he exclaimed. He was unblinking, gasping, and bathed in sweat.

"Well yeah," my wife said. "Didn't anybody ever tell you that attics get hot in summer?"

"No!"

We got our Freon and the A/C Hero left, no doubt rushing off to share his new wisdom with the masses.

"Attics get hot in the summer! Pass it on!"

Husband Down

(From the email archive)...



A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

HUSBAND DOWN....HUSBAND DOWN! AISLE 7

Minor Chuckles

I've decided to take the week off from writing for this blog. I've got a few small chuckles for you today, and then another for Thursday.

From the email archive...

Unstoppable

I'm going to drop you into the middle of a conversation.

I don't remember why, but OoRah and I were talking about my insulated coffee mug. It looks like a disposable paper cup, but it's actually insulated plastic. Mine has a dark blue grip around the middle.

OoRah pointed and said, "My wife has one just like that, only its pink."

"So does my wife," I replied. Which is actually true. She never uses it, but she does have one.

"We have so much in common," OoRah said. "We both wear glasses, we both have wives with pink plastic coffee mugs..."

I flexed and added... "We're both unstoppable hulks."

OoRah nearly choked laughing at that one. "Hey now," I complained. "It shouldn't be *that* funny."

"It is."



I'll grant you, there is a small size difference between the two of us. Hardly noticeable.

Halloween Costume Idea

I don't remember how it came up, but I glad it did. During a conversation with P-Ziddy, a bizarre idea popped into my head. A Halloween costume idea, specifically.

"Redneck Wizard."

Picture it... a pointy wizard's hat, with fishing lures in the brim.

A black robe with overalls.

A beer coozy in one hand, and a wizard's staff in the other. Of course, the staff would have a fishing reel attached.



YA'LL! SHALL NOT! PASS!

I may have to do it. I giggle every time I think about it.

P-Ziddy thinks I need a laser scope on the staff, as well. I think... hm. Maybe. :) What you do think?

Salad Dressing

The little plastic wazzit at the top of a salad dressing bottle is important. It keeps the salad dressing from coming out all at once.



Yeah, like that. *sigh*

I stirred my lettuce soup around a bit, hoping to get the biggest puddles to slosh down at the bottom of the bowl. I was able to eat a little of it, but...



... I eventually had to stop.

My wife laughed for a very long time.

I pointed at her glass. "Do you need a refill?" She hopped up out of her chair. "Yes, but I'll get it."

During cleanup, I reached for the dish soap. "You'd better let me," she said. While grinning.

During yardwork, I tried to put gas in the lawn mower. "Don't touch that!"

*sigh* Stupid salad dressing.

KHAAAAAANNNNNN...

Piiiiiiiii!!!!!

A couple of months ago, I discovered The Khan Academy. That site is awesome. Free online math videos. The guy speaks plain English and has videos covering everything from Pre-Algebra up to Differential Equations.

I decided to challenge myself a bit and re-learn some of the math I've long forgotten. I started at the "Core Algebra" section, which I didn't figure would be too hard.

‎(x + a)² =
x² + 2ax + a²

Ha. I have forgotten MUCH. Wow. I made it though Calculus in college, and I swear I've never heard of the Quadratic Equation until a few weeks ago. My high school Algebra teacher has much to answer for.

Anyway, I was talking to Scruffy about the Khan Academy. "I think I only remember about 10% of the Algebra I used to know," I confessed.

Scruffy got a far-away look in his eyes, like he was thinking about his first kiss. "Math Memories" were making his heart flutter. "Wow," he lovingly pondered, "I think I remember how to calculate a differential..."

Simple... right?

I blinked a few times. "Unless you're talking about the gears in a car, I have no idea what you're talking about." There was an awkward pause. "OK, OK,... even *if* you're talking about the gears in a car, I have no idea what you're talking about."

Have a good weekend, and try not to divide by zero.

Phone Home

I like her better than I like you

I accidentally left my phone at home one day last week. This shouldn't have been a big deal, because my phone almost never rings. You know what's coming next, don't you?

My wife discovered my forgotten phone when it rang. "Hello?" "Is Edwardo there? Tell him I've got the stuff." "I think you have a wrong number." "Are you sure? I need to tell Edwardo I got the stuff." "Uh... OK. I'll tell him." "Thanks."

A few minutes later, the phone rang again.

"Hello! I represent the Macadamia Nut Survey Company. I was wondering if we could get your thoughts about Macadamia nuts?" "Well, I think they're pretty nutty." "Thanks!"

Nutty

Over the next hour, my phone got 4 wrong numbers, 2 survey invitations and a little kiddo who cried when my wife told him, "No, your gramma's not here."

Eventually, the doorbell rang. It was a door-to-door salesman. "Hello, I represent the..."

My wife cut him off. "Whatever." She tossed my phone over to him. "Take this next call for me, will you?"

The salesman started to protest, but then my phone rang. "Uh... hello?" He listened intently for a moment. "Um... sure. Yeah, I can do that." He started to gain a little confidence. "We'll be happy to renew your subscription. Yes, you qualify for the discount. Hand delivery? Scented packaging? Sure, why not."

Please m'am... if I don't make this sale, I'll starve...

He handed the phone back to my wife. "I have no idea who that was," he confessed.

"Doesn't matter," my wife said. "Whatever it is you're selling, can I bill it to that idiot you just swindled?"

"I don't see how." "Too bad. Have a nice day."

When I got home, my phone had been turned off and the battery removed. "I didn't trust it not to ring," my wife explained.

I'm not allowed to remove the phone from my pocket anymore. I've been carrying it now, night and day, for 9 solid days.

It has yet to ring.

Iced Coffee

You know you want me, baby

I admit I've always been kinda standoff-ish about iced coffee. Coffee is supposed to be hot, right? It's not proper coffee unless you have to blow on it before you can drink it. Caffeine doesn't even *work* unless it is administered through scorch marks in your flesh, right?

And then my wife showed up one day with a package of Starbucks "Via". Instant Iced Coffee. Even better? Mine was caramel-flavored. OK, now I *have* to try it.

I gave it a try. It was like angels singing in my mouth. It made me want to dance and sing, except I knew that if I tried to sing I'd spew cool brown water all over the kitchen. And that if I tried to dance I'd throw my hip out of joint. Again. *sigh*

This is the kinda stuff that superlatives were invented for.

The only problem is that it's Starbucks. That means there are only 5 packets in the box and we had to take out a loan to afford it.

If I ever win the lottery, I'm trying this stuff again!

Yo

I got screwy idea one day. I started kicking around the idea that most phrases can be made humorous (or even hilarious) by adding "yo" to the end.

I tried it out a few times...

1. "May the force be with you, yo."
2. "It's only a flesh wound, yo."
3. "In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth, yo."
4. "Do not remove under penalty of law, yo."
5. "Can't stop the signal, yo."
6. "Good night and Big Balls, yo."

It seemed to work well enough, so I posted it on my Facebook wall and asked others to contribute. I figured if I was lucky I'd get enough responses to do a "top 10" sort of thing.

The responses were mighty, and were many more than 10. Here's a sampling:

1. My name is Inigo Montoya, yo.

2. To infinity and beyond, yo.
3. You have the right to remain silent, yo.
4. To the Batmobile, yo.
5. Domo arigato, yo.
6. It's Friday, Friday, yo
7. Don't make me pull this car over, yo.
8. Don't call me Shirley, yo
9. That's what she said, yo.
10. Whip it ... Whip it good, yo
11. He's dead Jim, yo.
12. Yo!, yo.
13. Make it so, yo
14. do re me fa so la te do, yo

15. Do or do not, there is no try, yo.
16. Four score and seven years ago, yo
17. Ho Ho Ho, Yo
18. What in the name of Sir Isaac H. Newton happened here, yo?
19. What's up Doc, yo.
20. Dewey Defeats Truman, yo.

H'ray for Friday nonsense!

Add more in the comments if you like. :)

Formal Shopping

Oops

We ran out of milk. I was designated the "milk-getter" since it was my fault we ran out (note: Despite what you may think, milk does not make a good shaving gel).

I burned my hand on the car door (it was 103 degrees outside!). I seared off my fingerprints on the steering wheel (103 degrees!). On the way, I passed an ice cream truck that had melted and some roadkill that had burst into flame (103!).

Queen Spoo would be proud

I finally got to the store. My car was slowly sinking into the puddled asphalt as I went inside (103 degrees!). I had planned to just grab milk and go, but was distracted by the woman in a purple evening gown.

This woman was dressed like it was a black-tie affair. She was smiling expansively while swaying gently to the store's muzac. She looked like she should be holding a martini and a waltz partner, not a shopping cart and a frozen lasagna.

The guy she was with? Shorts and a t-shirt. Flip-flops vs. Heels. They were quite the pair.

That's the last time I buy ice cream from the Wicked Witch of the West

She nodded in appreciation as I walked by and tipped me 20 bucks. I think she thought I was the valet.

By the time I got home, the milk had already curdled into cottage cheese (103 degrees!).

I guess I'll need to rent a tux and go pick up another gallon.

Headphones Theft

Free to a felonious home

Well, I had small crisis at the office a few weeks ago. My headphones (earbuds) went missing.

It's possible that they got knocked off into the trash, or misplaced. It's more likely that a janitor ran off with them.

I wasn't too concerned because the earbuds were showing their age anyway. Plus, I'd just been given a Best Buy gift card. Even so, I figured I should warn the others against leaving things laying around.

I got everybody's attention and announced, "Somewhere out there, a janitor is enjoying my earwax."

I will *not* be using this laundromat again

Eventually the conversation wound around to preventative measures. "We should set up video surveillance", M16 suggested.

"Or we could just get a department Rottweiler," I said.

Somebody (can't remember who) suggested an exploding dye pack. "They put in the earbuds and *poof*!"

I liked the idea. "Hey, you with the purple ear! Get back over here!"

I'm not sure anything was actually resolved, but I do like my new earbuds.