Iontophoresis

I've recently started trying (again) to get my tricky foot fixed. As is the norm with me, when the injury is a pathetic "sucks to be a frail nerd!" sort of thing, the solution involves taking the hurty place and torturing it so that it can get better.

This time around, the lady took out a patch that looks like an over-sized electrified band-aid with a big plastic nubby thingy (technical term) in the middle.

She stuck it to my foot and pushed a button. The nubby thingy went "beep".

"OK," she said. "This is gonna sting a little for about 3 minutes."

"It's going to sting?!?" I was concerned. "I wish you had told me that before yyyyeeaanaAAAGHHhhh...."

Doc lady grinned. "Ah, there it is."

If I'm going to be attacked, I'd at least like to know the name of the foe who would vanquish me. "What is this ... thing... called?"

"Iontophoresis."

"Sounds like a Spiderman villain."

She cackled happily. "See you in three minutes."

I think I'm just about ready to give up and try a peg leg.

Captain Jeff

I was chatting with my buddy Queen Spoo the other day. I updated her on all my pathetic injuries, including the latest news on my tricky foot. Basically, if the latest round of ointments and exercises don't knock out the pain, my podiatrist is going to put me in a boot.

"That sounds extreme."

"Extreme is when foot pain lingers for years at a time," I replied. "I'm willing to try a boot and crutches if that's what it takes. I'm even willing to lose the foot and switch to a peg leg."

Queen Spoo liked that idea. "Then we'd start calling you Capt'n Jeff."

"And that... would be *awesome*."

My mind was full of possibilities. "Instead of all the 'Hey Jeff!' that I get at work, people would have to say, 'Ahoy, Capt'n!'. That would be such a welcome change. Also, I could get a stuffed parrot for my shoulder."

"Absolutely," said Queen Spoo. "Go for the whole nine yards."

"Next time my dental crown falls out," (oh yeah... my crown fell out. Neat, huh?), "I'll replace it with a gold tooth."

"Excellent. I'll send you an eye-patch."

"You're a true friend!"

When I filled in Big Dawg and P-Ziddy about the possibility of Jeff in a cast, Big Dawg was giddy. "If that happens," he insisted, "then I DEMAND a Photoshop Jeff!"

Well, we'll see. If I do wind up in a cast, I'll be sure to post a pic and let P-Ziddy run wild with it, if nothing else. In the meantime, if any of you want to re-use any of my previous photos and go with a pirate theme, I wouldn't call that a waste of time. :)

By the way, this will be my only post this week. Unless I get some pirate-Jeff pics, anyway. (jeff dot w dot mcclung at gmail dot com).

I Never Did Get That Lollipop

This will only hurt if your insurance is bad...

Last week I went back to the Podiatrist. We talked about my lingering foot pain, adjusted my shoe inserts and so on.

She offered a steroid injection for my heel pain. I accepted, but I also gave her a warning. "Last year, you gave me an injection down by the toes. It hurt so bad that I nearly broke the arms on your chair, and I lost control of my other leg. It started flapping around like a hummingbird wing. You had to call a nurse in here to sit on it while you worked."

"Oh," she said. "Let me bring in somebody before I start, then."

She leaned out in the hallway. "Intern, come here please."

In walked the intern. She was a short little petite girl, and she looked to be about 4 months pregnant. "Stand next to him, and put a hand on his knee, please."

I was stunned. Intern gave me a sweet smile. "You can look over at me instead of the needle if that'll help."

Side Note: from the "I'm not making this up" department

My google image search for "kind gentle woman cartoon" brought up a picture of Wonder Woman.

My second search for "kind gentle woman smile" brought up a picture of Michael Jackson.

"Do I *look* like I'll need a lollipop and a hug when this is over?"

"It's OK to be scared," the intern assured me.

I looked back at the doctor. "This isn't gonna work. If this leg starts flappin', I'll break her."

"I guess you'd better sit still, then."

"It'll only hurt for a little while." The intern was patting my knee and giving me a gentle wise old motherly smile, which was slightly creepy given that she couldn't have been older than 20.

"You know," I told her, "You're not here to be moral support. You're supposed to be the muscle."

The doctor broke in again. "I'm going to jab you now while we're all still young."

I looked back at the intern, panic in my eyes. "Both hands. Lean on this leg. Hard. PUSH."

Deep Hurting

And then... there was impact.

I don't remember much from the injection other than a white-hot blur of agony. After it was done, it took a few seconds to get my grip relaxed enough to let go of the chair. The intern gave me a quickie hug. "You were *so* brave!" Then she giggled and skipped out of the room.

"Did that just happen?", I asked. "Yes." "Did I hurt her?" "No." "Can I have that lollipop now?" "Get out."

I mentally added "Did not kick a pregnant intern" to my list of good deeds for the day.

Bruised

Here's another one to add to the never-ending list of "Things that are wrong with Jeff".

My hip pain is not just a symptom of Bursitis. No, that would be too simple. I have "I.T. Band" troubles as well.

Given that I work in Information Technology, I was pretty sure I was being mocked ("Your I.T. Band is defective... you need a new vocalist"). But no, it's actually a thing. It's a long band of "fibrous tendons and stuff" that goes from the hip down to just below the knee.

The best part is how they fix it. It's a procedure called ASTYM. I'm pretty that's an acronym, and that at least 3 of those letters stand for "ow".

The link, "What's the treatment like?", is actually quite fascinating. However, they do leave out three important words... "Hurts like ####".

They take a device that looks like a miniature pizza cutter.



Dramatization. Not a real medical device. Do not attempt at home. Pizza sauce will stain.

Then, they scrape that thing HARD up and down the IT Band, to smooth out the lumpy bits. Once the IT Band is all smooth and good, it can stretch normally and the pain goes away. In the meantime...



Yeah... that's a downward motion. It's a bit uncomfortable. "It's normal for the skin to bruise," the lady told me. It's also normal for the patient to cry. At least, I hope.

She did this to me on a Monday. That Wednesday, I came back for a second round of treatment. I was really hoping she'd go easy on me. "Look," I showed her. "The bruises haven't quite faded from Monday."

"That's OK," she cheerfully replied. "I'll just run right over the top of them again!"

That was NOT the answer I was hoping to hear. *sigh*

I may never walk again.

Athletic

There's always something fun going on with me on the "Pathetic Injury" front. I've hurt my foot, and I've hurt my back. I hurt my hip. And the best part is, these stupid injuries linger. I do the exercises, I follow the instructions. Sometimes things improve but I've yet to actually "fix" anything.

I turned to P-Ziddy, my trusted emotional confidant, for some much-need solace.

-----------------------

Jeff: So, I went to an orthopedic doc this morning, had him look at my tricky hip. Diagnosis... Bursitis on the side, lower-back pinched nerve likely affecting the backside.

Jeff: He gave me a cortisone shot. Hurts like #### right now. Wowie.

P-Ziddy: You didn't really WANT to sit down today, did you?

Jeff: I find it amusing though, just how many of these various doctors I've been going to are Sports Medicine guys. My chiropractor has worked on at least one NFL player. This guy specializes in athletic injuries. Podiatrist sees a lot of track n' field runners.

Jeff: I feel like I'm lowering their averages by quite a bit.

P-Ziddy: Definitely.

Jeff: And I love how much effort you put into sparing my feelings there, too.

P-Ziddy: LOL

Jeff: The guy today suggested an MRI for my back, but we'll go with less invasive / expensive options for the moment.

P-Ziddy: My MRI was like 45 minutes long. Of course, it was on my head.

P-Ziddy: It was like someone slid a metal barrel over my head, but with less room.

P-Ziddy: And then beat on it for an hour with a hammer.

Jeff: They'd prolly want me to lay on my back in this tube thing, and the pain is in an area where I can't lay on my back.

P-Ziddy: Maybe they'll want you to lay on your stomach?

P-Ziddy: Or just hop up and down while they wave a laser pointer over you.

Jeff: Bad foot. Can't hop, either.

P-Ziddy: I'm sorry... Spin your wheel chair around on one wheel while they wave a laser pointer at you.

Jeff: Carpel Tunnel symptoms in one wrist. I prolly can't manage the wheelchair spin, either.

P-Ziddy: How are you still breathing at this point?

P-Ziddy: I swear Stephen Hawking could beat you in a foot race.

-----------------------

Tricky Foot

I got an email newsletter from my chiropractor. 7 minutes later, I was at his office, breathless.

Hulk Adjust L3 Vertebrae!

"It says you work on feet, also?!?"

See, my tricky foot has never really healed and has been getting worse. Time for a second opinion, sort of thing. He X-ray'd it and looked it over. "This bone is turned in, but it should be straight," he explained. "This one is pushed up instead of down, this one is left when it should be right." Then, he got to the best part.

"I can fix all of this."

He had me lay down on his little torture table. "Grab on with both hands," he instructed. "I'll be pulling pretty hard."

Then he grabbed my foot. "I'll adjust this bone first," he said while poking a seemingly random spot. Then, he grunted and yanked my foot back like he was trying to start a stubborn lawn mower. If I hadn't been holding on to the table, he would have thrown me into the wall. My foot nearly came off.

I said, "Ow." He said, "Ah, that's good."

Aw yeah.

He poked another random spot on my foot. "Now I'll adjust this one. Hold on!" I grabbed the table again. YANK, and again my foot nearly came off. "Ow," I said. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow! Ow." "Ah, that's good."

We did this 4 times.

Just like when he fixed my back, this will unfortunately take time. Three times a week for at least a couple of weeks, probably a month. If I still have a foot by then, I hope it feels better. Something tells me a peg-leg may be in my future.

My June Ailment

So, I've hurt myself again. It just keeps getting better and better.

It started with my foot. After years of limping and poor posture, I managed to hurt my back. My chiropractor recommended some stretches and exercises I can do to make sure things stay healthy. He failed to mention that the stretches would also kill me.

I don't like being so familiar with medical diagrams

I stuck my right leg out to do a hamstring stretch. Apparently there's a wrong way to do this, because something went "ow" and my hip said, "Hey... I just realized that I hate you."

I strained a muscle in my hip. There's also a small tear. There's also likely some inflammation of the Bursae.

Walking hurts. Climbing stairs hurts *bad*. When I sit, it hurts. When I lay down, it hurts worse. I think this is really gonna hurt my chances as a contestant on Wipeout.

If you ever get a chance to exist as a fragile nerd, don't bother. It's not as transcendent as you might think.

So, anybody want to guess which body part I'll hurt next while rehabbing this one?

This will end badly

The doc gave me a stretchy exercise band that I'm supposed to use as part of my rehab routine. It's tough and durable, so I fully expect it to break on me. It'll pop up and smack me in the head. I may even lose an eye.

Then, before I'm used to walking around with no depth perception, I'll trip on something and break a foot. Then, the "pathetic injury" parade will have come full circle.

Wish me luck.

Chiropractor

Remember when I mentioned my most recent ailment? Turns out, the pain in my hinder is caused by three pinched nerves in my back.

I spent lots of time last week with a Chiropractor, getting my back "adjusted" (pounded mercilessly) and learning many things about "Posture" (I thought it was a special kind of Greek Salad).

Hulk Adjust L3 Vertebrae!

For most of the week the 'doc would push lightly on my back before going all "Incredible Hulk" on me and pushing so hard my stomach would punch through the table. On Thursday he changed the game plan a bit by putting me on my side.

"Now," he told me, "Let's move this leg over here and this arm over there and pull your foot up and grab your elbow and..."

When he was done I looked like a pretzel. "I'm gonna lean on you here," he explained. Then he more or less climbed up onto the table with me.

I was thinking, "Shouldn't I get dinner and a movie first?..." when the cracking noises started. My spine did a little rendition of the cannon blasts from Tchaikovski's 1812 Overture.

Apparently that's what needed to happen, because the doctor was grinning like a maniac. At least, I *hope* that's why he was grinning.

Wish me luck, the fun starts again today. How many weeks before I'm cured (or he kills me)? Place your bets!

My Latest Ailment

...is a real pain in the hinder.

Piriformis Syndrome, as you can probably guess from the name, is the condition that occurs when you pass gas and sneeze at the same time.

Wait!, no, I tell a lie... that's something else. Piriformis Syndrome is the sudden dramatic appearance of feathers around your midsection.

Whoops!, no, actually that's not even close.

Actually, Piriformis syndrome is a condition in which the piriformis muscle becomes tight or spasms, and irritates the sciatic nerve. The piriformis is a muscle which runs from your sacrum (mid-line base of spine) to the outer hip bone (trochanter).

(My sincere thanks to the miracle of copy/paste, which made that last paragraph possible)

In other words, my butt hurts and it won't stop. Awesome. *sigh* It seems to be an injury that mostly affects runners. Must have happened to me while I was wind-sprinting between my office chair and the vending machine.

So... foot, groin, and now hinder.

Anyone wanna take bets on what will be next?

Pulled Muscle

I've been reading about muscle injuries. It seems that sometimes when you injure a muscle, you know right away. But with many low-impact injuries, you may not feel any pain until hours or even days later.

A little over a week ago, my wife was ironing cloths. I had nothing better to do at that moment, so I was there with her chatting.

I was on my back on the bed, with my legs hanging off the edge. I started lifting my legs, tensing up my abdomen. Silly, I know, but it's more exercise than my abs usually get. This lasted 5 minutes, tops.

A couple of days later, I noticed a slight pain in my left inner thigh. I ignored it.

The next day, there was so much pain that I started looking for tick bites. I checked the whole area... no bites, cuts, or burns. I even counted. There were still two.^*

Eventually I figured out the embarrassing truth. While laying on a nice comfy mattress, I stretched out my legs and gave myself a groin pull.

I had no idea I need to do warm-up stretches before I stretch.

One of these days I'm going to hurt myself while breathing. I just know it.

^*What? I was talking about hamstrings. Perv.

The Agony Of The Feet

Last week, somewhere around Thursday-ish, I sprained my left foot.

I have no idea how I did it, honestly. I just became aware of pain. I had stretched the tendons on the top of my left foot somehow. It was pretty painful.

Saturday, my wife and I went to Big Splash. We walked in the gate, and went up to the lockers where you can stow away your stuff. I reached up to a locker on the top row, and my lock slipped out of my hand. From a height of about 6, 6 and a half feet my moderately heavy metal lock fell and bounced off the top of my left foot.

We went (I limped) over to the nearest pool and got in. From that point on, I made an effort to not use my left foot when I was in water. I'd bounce along on my right foot, sparing my left foot as much as possible.

At some point during the Big Splash activities, I managed to sprain my right foot. Just like the left, the tendons on the top of my right foot got stretched or something.

So, two sprains and one nasty bruise. Thank goodness my job doesn't involve much physical activity. :)