I Will Never Complain About My Job Again

Becoming MJ

I've been wearing a wrist brace at work. When a fellow programmer sees it for the first time I simply say, "It's my mouse hand," and they understand. It's a repetitive stress injury, due to years of semi-bad posture at my desk job.

Non-programmers don't always understand right away. It can be a little embarrassing, too. "Repetitive Stress" sounds vaguely impressive, but when you get right down to it, it's just aggressive mousing. Nobody is much impressed when I confess to being injured by my mouse.

A few days ago, Lightyear saw me wearing the brace. Lightyear is an older fellow, and he has no volume control. He immediately pointed and shouted, "JEFF! What'd you do?!? Are you OK?!?"

I blushed. "Oh, I'm OK."

I started to explain, but Lightyear cut me off. "Hey, you're not uh... ", he started to snap the fingers on one hand, trying to think. "...you're not becoming... oh, what was that pop singer's name... MICHAEL JACKSON! Yeah, you're not becoming Michael Jackson, are you?"

I thought about Michael Jackson's path from 'black man' to 'white woman'. "I'm halfway there, *and* I've got a glove," I thought. I grinned. Out loud I said, "Not intentionally."

"Well," said Lightyear, "then there's hope for ya."

He never asked what actually happened to my wrist. I guess if I'm not changing race and gender, then it must not be too bad.

It did make me wonder, though... what *would* I look like, as Michael Jackson?... Hm...



Unbelievable. I'm not white enough. Who'd have thunk it?

Photoshop Jeff... One Last (?) Mustache Pic

Big Dawg promised me a Photoshop Jeff "mustache" pic.

It was a bold promise. After all, Big Dawg has a long history of hate with Photoshop. He actually tried briefly, but then decided to try a non-traditional approach.

He went onto Amazon.com and bought a fake mustache.

He also bought a pair of mirrored sunglasses.

I did mention this was a non-traditional approach, right? Check this out:

Sorry about the blur (cell phone camera).

When the hysterical laughter died down a bit, OoRah said he felt a sudden urge to go watch CHiPs. I commented that I looked like a cross between a biker and a cop. Maarek said, "Too bad you don't have a bandanna..."

"Oh," I said, "I actually have a bandanna."

I ran over to my desk and grabbed a "US Cellular" bandanna that I got years ago as a freebie from a local Arena Football game.

There was more hysterical laughter. As the cell phone cameras were raised, somebody commented, "Now he's like a pirate... if he just had a throwing star, he could be a pirate-ninja!..."

"Just a minute," I said as I ran back to my desk. I picked up my paper throwing star from our "International Act Like A Ninja Day".

For your enjoyment, the crowning glory of Big Dawg's non-traditional Photoshop Jeff efforts... Jeff the Pirate-Ninja-Biker-Cop (with US Cellular bandanna):



It's amazing how fun Photoshop Jeff can be when you have physical access to the Jeff.

For the record, that fake mustache smelled AWFUL.

Nutty

Out of nowhere, The Golfer showed up with two cookies.

Most of my co-workers had gone home, but OoRah and Big Dawg were still there with me. Big Dawg quickly turned down a cookie, which left one each for OoRah and myself.

The cookies were pretty big. "One has some kind of cinnamon apple sprinkles on top," explained The Golfer, "And the other is nuts."

"Gee," I said, looking at OoRah. "Which one of us is nuts?"

From behind came the voice of Big Dawg. "That's a tough call."

"I bet I'm more nuts than you," challenged OoRah.

"You could be right, except you're not!"

By end of the challenge / response time, the floor was covered in cookie crumbs, peanut fragments, and failed bravado (mostly mine). OoRah took the cinnamon apple cookie. I got the napkins.

Mmmmm... fiber.

True Story

Happy Place

It was a long and winding conversation that eventually led to ... airplanes.

Air travel is inherently safe

"Airplanes tend to fly low near my house," Maarek explained. "I don't worry about the big commercial airliners though, because if they crash they'll take out the whole neighborhood and I'll never hear it coming. No problem."

OoRah blinked. "Actually, the survival rate for airplane crashes is about 80%."

"Yes, but I'll be on the ground."

Maarek's nonchalant pessimism made OoRah pause for a moment. "No," he countered, "That number includes people on the ground."

"You don't understand... I'll be *under* the plane."

They started talking at the same time. I stepped in and motioned to OoRah. "Don't bother him with facts, this is his 'Happy Place'. It makes him happy."

I'm coming to get you! Ha!

While OoRah laughed, I turned to Maarek. "Don't worry. I'm sure you'll be killed on impact."

Maarek perked up happily. "Thanks!"

I don't understand why that's a comforting statement.

Jeff McClung... Peacemaker.

Bubble Wrap

So life-like... easily mistakable for the real thing...

Have you seen these little devices? It's a Bubble Wrap Keychain... those little buttons make a "pop" that's supposed to sound just like bubble wrap.

OoRah's got one of those things. The battery and/or the speaker on it is in pretty bad shape, so it sounds more like a whispered "thip" than a "pop". Somehow this just makes the toy even funnier.

OoRah leaned over my cubical wall a few days ago with the keychain in hand. He grinned down at me while pushing near-silent buttons. "I'm popping bubbles!", he gleefully announced.

With tremendous enthusiasm, I pointed at him and shouted "You *GO*, girl!"

I have no idea why he lets me live.

Stories From The Carpenter

A month ago, a guy crashed his car into our house. Last week, a carpenter came out to start the meaningful repair work. He told a couple of amusing stories.

The bar needs work? I'M ON IT!

His first story was about remodeling a bar. He said;

"I was hired to help remodel a bar, but I wasn't allowed to work when the bar was open. So I'd have to work all night.

"I told all my friends that they wouldn't be able to reach me, that I was hanging out at the bar all night. I didn't tell any of them *why*."

Hm... He's got just a bit of a comedian's mean streak. I like him. :)

His second story was about a rich lady's house. He said;

"20 years or so back, I was working on this rich old lady's house. She wandered around most of the time while I worked, talking to me.

I can do it... I can do ANYTHING

"Then she asked, 'Can you come inside? I've got a cabinet door that sticks.' I'm not supposed to do that, but she kept asking, and they were paying me a lot of money, so I said yes.

"She thanked me and said, 'My husband can't fix it... he's useless.' I got in there and it was an easy fix. She just kept saying, 'My husband just can't do anything with his hands... my husband's useless...' and so on. I finally asked her, 'What does your husband do?'

"'Oh, he's a surgeon.'"

Random Office Stories

Dulls-ville

About a month ago, Web Ninja was chatting at me. I don't remember what the conversation was about, but he was getting pretty animated and I was (more or less) listening.

I was also trying to chew a piece of gum. I guess I'm not quite talented enough to juggle such diverse tasks. I bit my tongue.

over-dramatization

"Wow," said Web Ninja. "I didn't realize it was that exciting of a story."

I told him, "Yeah, I'll be OK. Just be dull for a few minutes."

I was kidding, but God bless him Web Ninja actually tried to "dull" down his story. He stood perfectly still, lowered his voice and spoke slowly. I told him not to take me seriously, but I don't think he believed me.

Eventually the story ended in a whisper and he carefully tip-toe'd away. I literally couldn't hear the last few words he spoke.

Confused

One day last week, I came into work about an hour early. OoRah was mystified. "Why are you here so early?"

Springs and back-falls... who wouldn't be confused?

"I got confused about the whole 'Daylight Savings Time' thing," I replied.

OoRah tilted his head sideways like a dog who just heard an odd noise. "But... today isn't Daylight Savings Time."

I faked an annoyed look. "What part of 'confused' do you not understand?"

He never asked again.

I don't understand why anybody around ever takes me seriously.

Fashionably Late Photoshop Jeff Pic

This came from V. I'll let her explain:

"I didn't use the current photo, but I did attempt the handlebar moustache theme. :) Did you know you get a whole different set of images on a google search when you hunt for "Moustache Handlebar" than you do the other way around? Handlebars led to bicycles which led to bees and well, you can see where it all ended up."



If you don't know the bee story, you really do need to click here and read it. Seriously. If mocking me has ever brought you any joy, you will thank me.

Photoshop Jeff... Mustache Me: Results!

It's that time again!

The project was as simple as a Photoshop Jeff could possibly be. Just give me a mustache.

As always, if you want to send a late photo (jeff.w.mcclung @ gmail.com), go ahead. I'll still post it.

And to show you just how easy it can be, check out this entry from OoRah!



That's all it takes! Instant hilariosity!

This one is from me. It's a old hero of mine, and we're both sporting "pencil-thin" mustaches...



This is me with a new hero of mine... the grinning cigar-chomping turban-hoodie dude from a recent Tiger Woods photo. We took in a game.



(note: these first three have no "large" version, so they're not click-able. From here on down, you can click into a larger version of the photo)

These next three are from P-Ziddy, and this first one may be my absolute favorite in terms of sheer cartoony joy. The look on starfish Patrick's face is *perfect*.



I wasn't familiar with the "Waluigi" character... basically he's like an evil Luigi. I just know that I've got a red nose and it seems to be bothering me.



"Legendary"? A better word to describe my guitar skills might be "Mythical"...



And then finally, this gem from Web Ninja. You need to click into this one to get the full effect. Right there in the middle is what I like to call a "handsome woman".



You might notice that there are no entries from Big Dawg, who swore he would provide me with one. :) Expect some good-natured ribbing over this, Large Canine. ;)

As always, the entire archive of Photoshop Jeff pics lives here.

And just for the fun of it...

The Most Interesting Dork In The World

The ladies agree... he's the cutest of all the little runts.



When Superman needs a night off, the city remains safe.



Ladies, look to your dork, then back at me. I'M ON A HORSE!



Jeff IS... the most interesting dork in the world.



Stay nerdy, my friends.

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(just in case you aren't familiar with the source material...)

House Progress!

There's a Photoshop Jeff thinger going on, and it's mustache-themed. I'm just sayin'.
-----------------------

The Carpenter came by yesterday:



We'll very likely have brick guys today!

My house is going to look so much nicer when it's not half-laying in the yard. :)

Perfect

There's a Photoshop Jeff thinger going on, and it's mustache-themed. I'm just sayin'.
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I picked up a pair of these rotating push-up handle thingers, because I hate my wrists. Stupid wrists. They deserve what's about to happen to them.

Rumor has it that if I'm diligent with them, that in about 5 weeks I'll look like the guy in the picture over there. But probably with more blood and crying.

Once I get the hang of it, the logical next step is to incorporate them into a dance routine. I imagine it won't be long before Cirque Du Soleil comes calling.

Fame, fortune, tight flesh-colored leggings... all this and more shall be mine.

First I gotta recover from the paper-cut I got while opening the box.

I Love This Photo

Yes, that's a photographer who is half a second away from a headache. But even more than the amazingly framed impending doom, I *LOVE* the cigar-chomping turban-hoodie pillar of awesome over on the right. He looks like a young Rob Schneider in disguise.

He's got an awesome mustache, too. There's a Photoshop Jeff thinger going on, and it's mustache-themed. I'm just sayin'.

Photoshop Jeff... Mustache Me

OK, so I don't even remember how the idea came up. I just remember Big Dawg giggling and saying, "Now I have a mental picture of you with a villainous twisty mustache!"

We cackled at the idea a bit, and he said, "If you make that your next Photoshop Jeff, I'll *totally* make one for you!"

Oh really? I have my doubts... Big Dawg has never once provided a Photoshop Jeff pic, despite saying more than once that he was thinking about doing it.

In any case, the theme doesn't get much easier than this. Put a mustache on me. And any other props that seem appropriate.

Click into that picture (or use this link) to get a larger size. You'll be at my Flickr account, so you can even grab previous Photoshop Jeff images and use them if you'd rather.

UPDATE: I typo'd my own email address! Email address has been corrected...

When you're done, send your image to jeff.w.mcclung @ gmail.com. If you send it, I'll post it... with the possible exception of Hitler mustaches. I reserve the right to misplace those. :)

And in case you have a few minutes to kill, here's some previous Photoshop Jeff pics for you to browse.

Have fun!

Neighborhood Watch

Our neighborhood has always had speeders. Prior to our house getting hit, we always considered them a nuisance. Now, we actively hate them.

I decided to make a sign. I bought a blank "garage sale" sign and traced out some block letters and a simple design.

Most of the time, speeders ignore it. We did have one guy slow down a bit to read it. Then, he looked up and saw our house. He hit his breaks so hard that his back seat passengers bounced up to the front with him. They coasted through the rest of the neighborhood at walking speeds.

I threw a broken brick at his car anyway. I've got so many, I may as well use them for something.

A roving brick mason passed by at some point and put this in our mailbox:



This thing is glorious. Bless him for offering his services, but he didn't exactly put his best foot forward here. The card was bent, mangled, and dirty. He'd scratched out the bottom left phone number and hand-written in a new one.

We've pretty much picked out our worker bees for the restoration efforts, but I kept this card anyway. I may frame it. :)