Pseudo Celeb At The Optometrist

So, I went to the eye doctor last week.

Up first was the young lady behind the counter. She didn't look like anybody famous, but she sounded like one.

" *cough* sorry about mah voice...", she croaked. "allergies..."

"Lady," I said, "You sound like Larry King."

The actual eye doctor reminded me of Doogie Howser because he was younger than me. I'm not old enough to have doctors that are younger than me!

"My eye doctor is a few years younger than me. My primary care doctor starts Jr. High school this year. My dentist is a fetus."

Later, I went to the place next door to pick out new frames for my glasses. Jessica Biel stepped up to the counter to help me.

Of course it wasn't *really* her, but she was close enough for jazz. Honestly, I was a bit star-struck. I reminded myself that near-celebrities are people too, and pledged to act naturally.

"What can I help you with today?", she asked. And she smiled.

"flaaaaaaahh bliilith faah fwaaaaaa."

Sensing an easy sale, she directed me to the most expensive frames they had.

I think I'll look good in these, don't you?

Late Birthday Gift

I got a late birthday gift. Check it out! Armor All car care gift package whizz-bang!



This is pretty nice... it's got stuff for the auto glass, tires, and of course, washing the car itself.

Or... does it?



Is that... Turtle Wax? In an Armor All gift package?



Why yes. Yes it is.

As best we can figure, the folks responsible for the gift must have opened the package ahead of time to "ooh" and "aah" at the contents. Then there was a mix-up as they re-packaged the goodies. The car wash solution got left out.

That bottle of Turtle Wax is half-empty (or half-full, depending on your outlook).

Half a bottle of Turtle Wax. I think it's my favorite birthday present EVER.

Total Eclipse Of The Wazzit

This is the "Literal Video Version" of Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse Of The Heart." For those who don't know, the idea is to make the lyrics of the song match what is going on in the video.

I wouldn't normally post a 5 minute video, but trust me this thing is worth it. The first time I watched it I literally cried from laughing so hard. There will be at least two places where you think, "Man, it can't get any funnier than that." And it does.



I know a lot of you regulars have already seen this one. I posted it because I recently got to see it for a second time, and it's still hilarious. Something this good deserves our praise.

Huzzah!, noble video.

First Rule

I recently listened to the AudioBook version of "Wizard's First Rule", by Terry Goodkind. If you like fantasy novels (wizards, dragons, magic, swordplay, that sort of thing), then you'll probably like this book.

I especially liked the "First Rule" itself. The wizard shouts it during a loud moment in the book. "The Wizard's First Rule is that 'People are stupid!!!' They will believe what they want to believe."

Aw yeah. You have my attention, Mr. Wizard. Well played.

I listened to the AudioBook during my commute to work. One relatively cool morning I rolled slowly through pedestrian-choked downtown streets with my windows down. The volume was up.

My wizard bellowed, "PEOPLE ARE STUPID!!!".

A crowd of pedestrians turned and glared at me. I smiled and waved as I passed by.

Wizards are awesome.

I'm thinking about making that "rule" into my new ring tone. :)

Bop

Was in a meeting recently with a large group. Cowboy gave WhoLu a compliment and suddenly it turned into a WhoLu love-fest.

"WhoLu did really good work on this project."
"WhoLu is so much better than anyone else in his department."
"When I'm near WhoLu, I am a better person."
"WhoLu smells like Heaven. And chives."
"WhoLu leaves rainbows in his wake, and his eyes sparkle with all of my hopes and dreams."

Cowboy had the final say on the love-in. "I wish we had 5 of WhoLu."

"Well, there's at least two," somebody said. "He looks like one of the guys from Hanson."

I was sitting near WhoLu. I leaned over to him and lovingly mumbled, "Mmmmmmm... bop."

Everyone laughed, but Big Dawg nearly hyperventilated.

Why do I get the feeling he knows the rest of the lyrics, too?

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NOTE: This is my 1,000th blog post. Crazy, isn't it?

Pulled Muscle

I've been reading about muscle injuries. It seems that sometimes when you injure a muscle, you know right away. But with many low-impact injuries, you may not feel any pain until hours or even days later.

A little over a week ago, my wife was ironing cloths. I had nothing better to do at that moment, so I was there with her chatting.

I was on my back on the bed, with my legs hanging off the edge. I started lifting my legs, tensing up my abdomen. Silly, I know, but it's more exercise than my abs usually get. This lasted 5 minutes, tops.

A couple of days later, I noticed a slight pain in my left inner thigh. I ignored it.

The next day, there was so much pain that I started looking for tick bites. I checked the whole area... no bites, cuts, or burns. I even counted. There were still two.^*

Eventually I figured out the embarrassing truth. While laying on a nice comfy mattress, I stretched out my legs and gave myself a groin pull.

I had no idea I need to do warm-up stretches before I stretch.

One of these days I'm going to hurt myself while breathing. I just know it.

^*What? I was talking about hamstrings. Perv.

CPR Class

I got an email at work announcing CPR classes.

I'm not sure why the company decided to offer these. We all have low-impact office jobs, so maybe there's been an outbreak of people choking on Twinkie's.

It reminded me of a story I heard about my dad. He may choose to defend his honor if I get too many details wrong, but here goes:

When my dad was 10-ish, he and a school buddy took CPR classes. They were very proud of themselves, with a constant stream of bravado flowing between them. "If somebody chokes, *I'm* gonna save them!" "No you won't, 'cause *I'll* save them first!"

It happened that fairly soon after the classes, the family took a day trip and invited dad's little friend to come with them. Dad and his buddy stood in the middle of a big crowd of people, still chattering at each other about all the lives they would save.

A woman in front of them fainted and fell backwards.

Dad and his little friend stepped to either side. The woman crashed down between them. They both looked down at her, and then took off running.

I decided not to attend my company's CPR classes. I've heard what responsibility can do to a man.

Belated

Visited my folks last weekend. We celebrated my birthday and my sister's birthday.

I saved the best for first. Here's the birthday card she got me.



Glorious.

My niece and nephews were there. Oldest Nephew (10) wrote his mom's name on the cake with icing, and Niece (8) wrote mine. Then Little Nephew (4) made a small mark at the bottom of the cake. He gleefully shouted it was a tear-drop.

Oldest Nephew and Niece also made Play-Doh "cakes" for us. Little flat circles with molded candles and words that said "Happy Birthday" and "Mother". They somehow realized that Uncle Jeff is not a "Mother", so they moved that bit over to their mom's "cake". My sister got one that said "Happy Birthday Mother Mother", ...



... and I got one with candles that were a bit stiff.

Later, the kids were in the pool. My sister suggested they run in circles and make a whirlpool, but they didn't quite get the idea until I said, "Make the water spin around like a toilet." Thus motivated, the two big kids started running, dragging Little Nephew behind them on his floaties. Oldest Nephew looked at the wake his little brother was leaving and shouted, "Look! He's leaving a streak behind him!"

We're gonna need more chlorine.

For The Fallen

There was a small crowd in the break room when Maarek and I walked in. We needed coffee, so we pushed through without much compassion.

I got to the pot and picked it up. It's a metal pot, but I could tell by the weight that unhappiness was about to descend upon us. "It's nearly empty!", I wailed, sloshing the pot. Half the pathetic dregs splashed out onto the floor.

There was a moment of silence as many eyes looked down at the puddle, and then up at me.

"Ahem," I said, trying to act dignified. "Some idiot poured coffee on the floor. I'll get it."

As I grabbed some paper towel, Maarek desolately pantomimed pouring coffee on the floor with the now-empty pot. "This is for all of the fallen coders," he solemnly chanted. "We salute you."

Things get weird when your nerds aren't properly caffeinated. Let this be a lesson to us all.

Big Dawg's Bread, Bad Presentation

Big Dawg's Bread

There's a Subway restaurant right across the street from our office. Big Dawg eats there at least three times a week. They know him by name, and they know exactly what his usual order is. I don't go more than once a week, but I've been in there enough with Big Dawg that the Subway ladies know I work with him.

I got the same sammich I usually do, but I never get the same bread twice in a row. They have White, Wheat, Jalapeño Cheese and many others, but on this particular day I chose Honey Oat.

Subway Lady grabbed a loaf and started to cut into it, but it had already been sliced in two. She stared at it for a second and then laughed.

"Big Dawg was just in here, but he changed his order on us! You got his bread!"

Outstanding. I got Big Dawg's bread.

It tasted sweet, knowing that I had claimed it from a worthy adversary.

Bad Presentation

Maarek and I were discussing how business decisions are made. The "Dilbert" method of decision making involves finding the worst possible idea and running with it. We started to riff on the method.

"OK," Maarek started. "We link to a section of the website that can only be read on an iPhone."

I picked up where he left off. "All other users are sent to pages that don't exist yet, where they can buy an iPhone from us."

"Excellent! Of course, once they get the iPhone, they have to buy an app to be able to see the special pages."

I knew exactly how to top this one off. "And for resources, our development team will consist of half of an drunk dead monkey."

I really think we're onto something here. Fortune 500, here we come!

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my birthday. Admit it, you didn't get my anything, did you?

Bum.

My Niece and Nephews sent me a birthday card and pictures they drew themselves! I love it! First is this one from my oldest Nephew (age 10).



"Happy Day, Birth Uncle-Jeff!" I was a little worried about the storm clouds hovering over the great white ether, but I'm pretty sure the smiley stamp means it's nothing I need to lose sleep over.

This one is from my Niece (age 8).



I love it! She drew herself into a picture with my wife and I. She gave me heart balloons, a baby-bottle-nipple hat, cat heads on flower stalks, a short fat guy tied to a tree, and that awesome huge belt buckle in the sky! What more could an Uncle want?

And then there's this from my littlest nephew (age 4).



He tore this out of one of his coloring books. He did it without ripping the page, which made him very proud. When asked if he planned to work the puzzle first, the reply was; "It's *his* birf-day. *He* can work 'da puzzle."

It's good to know he believes in me. :)

Bear Dream

I had a wacky dream the other night.

It started with my wife and I in the kitchen, puppy-sitting 6 pups from the Golfer. He called us to make sure that the pups were getting enough water.

I told him that the pups were wandering around as happy as could be, and their water dish was full. Golfer freaked out, saying that I had to force each puppy to drink at least one full glass of water.

The puppies had wandered off, so I got on my bicycle and rode from the kitchen to the living room.

Halfway there, my wife shouted, "There's a bear in the living room!" I panicked, swinging my head back and forth. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it was just a dream, but I was still pretty scared when I felt pressure on my hand HOLY BUCKETS THAT'S REAL SOMETHING'S GOT ME!!!

I woke up. My wife was squeezing my hand hard. "What are you shouting about?!?" She was unhappy.

I sat up and blinked. "Uh... we don't have any... er... there's no wildlife in the living room, right?"

This made my wife even less happy. She mumbled something impolite and rolled over in a huff. There was a tearing sound.

We both sat up again. My wife looked shocked. "My leg feels weird."

Turns out that when she rolled over, she shifted her legs and pushed her foot through the sheets.



We decided to blame the bear.

I checked the living room before going back to sleep. Just in case.

Tuypo's A-Plenty

This silliness was born out of an Instant Message conversation with the devil on my shoulder:

P-Ziddy: No other opinions matter
Jeff: There are other opinions? Surely you jest.
Jeff: I kid you not, I typo'd 6 times during that last sentence. Three words. 6 typo's. Arg.
P-Ziddy: LOL
Jeff: My backspace key is smoking.
Jeff: I think my superhero name should be "Tuypo's A-Plenty".
Jeff: My plotline could revolve around spirited discussion about whether the "u" is intentional.
P-Ziddy: Epic

Picture it: New York City, 1982. An armed thug is mugging an elderly lady. Suddenly, in swoops TUYPO'S A-PLENTY! To the rescue!

*whoosh*flying*noise*

Jeff: OMG! ("Oh My Gosh!") Tuypo's A-Plenty! FTW! ("For The Win!")

Bad Guy: You'll nev...

Jeff: STFU! ("Please, gentle sir, refrain from further comment") You just got pwned! ("soundly defeated")

Bad Guy: That doesn't even make any sense.

Jeff: ROFL! ("Roll On Floor Laughing") U will never harm another... Ack!... *cough*... Sorry. POS. ("Parent Over Shoulder")

Bad Guy: Er. OK then. I'll just be going, shall I?

Jeff: AFK. ("Away From Keyboard")