Why Is It Always...?

Anytime you hear the following phrase, you know how it is going to end:

"The [name of company or organization] were shocked to discover that their latest advertisement had a mistake in the phone number... and that the erroneous phone number was for a ..."

You know how this song ends, don't you?

Earlier in the week, a publication that I am familiar with had this error. It is unclear whether this error was caused by the publication, or by the advertiser. The phone number in the ad went to an ... ahem ... "adult entertainment" line.

Even better? The ad was a full-page ad for a medical service. The words "Prelubricated Catheters" were prominent.

It amazes me how often this particular mistake happens. Here's another example.


And now for something completely different. Ordinarily I'm not a fan of "dressing up" pets. However, this one made me laugh loudly. It's a turtle's Halloween costume. Enjoy!

Halloween Pumpkins

In honor of the upcoming holiday, I give you pumpkins. (Thanks, 'Sis!)

Another Pseudo-Celeb Sighting!

The history of sightings:
John Ratzenberger.
John Belushi.
Charlie Chaplin.

And then this:

This morning while I was walking to work from the parking lot, I saw a Sammy Davis Jr. look-alike!

He had his left hand in his jacket pocket, he was smilin' as big you can imagine, he was groovin' side to side while he was walkin', and that right arm was *swingin'*, baby! I'm serious. That right arm was flappin' from one side to the other like an inverted windshield wiper. He had a wingspan of at least 5 feet.

With his head happily bobbin' side to side, he walked past me and said "Hi." I was expecting him to call me "cat".

I have been blessed by the very spirit of "hip". It is a GOOD day!


Side note: I mentioned here that my car got backed into by a careless (but thankfully honest) neighbor. Wednesday, I got my car back from the body shop. It still smells like paint fumes inside, but that'll pass. Mom n' Dad, thanks for letting me borrow a car for a few days... you're the best!

An Abundance Of Camo

This apparently happened last year, but I just recently heard the story. It involves my sister, and my oldest nephew (who was 5 at the time of this story).

It seems that he had a camouflage jacket - a pretty nice one. He came home from school one day without it. My sister got onto him about it, hoping he'd learn to take better care of his stuff.

The next day, he came home from school with his jacket. 'Sis checked it out - she thought she'd written his name in it, but this one didn't have any markings. She figured she'd just forgotten to do it, so she wrote his name in the jacket.

Then, 'Sis went to the laundry room. There, in the pile of laundry was another camo jacket. This one didn't have my nephew's name in it, either.

Then, the phone rings. It's somebody from his school. They told 'Sis that they'd found a camouflage jacket at school with nephew's name written in it.

My sister had to go to school and trade in her two ill-gotten camouflage jackets for her son's one legit jacket. And she got to explain why she'd written her son's name in one of the extras. :)

Welcome Back, Mad Dogg

As I mentioned some time ago, Mad Dogg went on vacation after somehow getting his work assigned to me. He got back to work last Wednesday.

I had a vague notion of a plan to have a little fun at his expense. Unfortunately, a very busy schedule plus a dang wiggy server dictated that I had no time for revenge.

The "plan" (a very generous term for so vague a notion), was to find a way during a meeting to display a little flash animation I made. It's made to look like an online advertisement.

It's my first-ever Flash Animation, so it's very lame. Plus, Blogger won't let me upload a Flash movie, so you'll have to use your imaginations a bit. Imagine that the words on this ad are appearing slowly, from top to bottom.



It's good to have you back, Mad Dogg! You couldn't avoid the fire ants, but at least this time you went south of the border without getting arrested. ;)

Bye-Bye Dish

This past weekend, our Satellite Dish neighbors moved out.

It's been quite an entertaining time with them living below us. Constant trips back n' forth to move / remove / adjust the Dish. Children's toys and pizza crusts being thrown up onto our balcony. And during their move, my wife saw their SUV parked in the yard.

I guess they didn't want to carry all that heavy stuff around to the front of the building (where the parking is). I can't blame them. What's funny is that they didn't move the Satellite Dish until near the end of the move. In the process of driving that SUV across the lawn, the wife nearly drove over their Dish. :)

Technology Is Hard

We have some older neighbors who I'll call Fred and Ethel. Ethel was talking to my wife, and found out that I was one of "those people" who understand computers and technology and such. "Could Jeff come over and set up our DVD player?" She told my wife that their DVD player got unplugged many moons ago because it was interfering with the TV signal. It had been unplugged for at least six months.

We arrived Sunday afternoon to see how we could help out. Ethel kept referring to movies as "VCR's" and the DVD player as the "VCR Player" or the "Movie Player". Obviously, "tech-novice" was part of the problem we'd have to overcome.

She pointed out the player to me. It was unplugged, and it was huge. It was one of those older players, where the DVD drive tray was almost the size of a VHS tape opening. While I grunted and strained behind the TV, Ethel went on and on about how nice it would be to watch their DVD's again (at least we'd finally got her calling them by the correct name).

The one spare coax cable they had was almost too short for the job. The dust behind the TV was significant. "Help" was provided in the form of a flashlight beam applied anywhere except where I needed it. Multiple remote controls were produced, and a TV manual materialized. Then, my wife made a discovery.

See, the little cabinet-thing the TV sat on was small and crowded full of gizmos. There was a Cox digital cable box. There was, just out of sight, an old DVD player. And there was the VCR... which is what I had been working on all along.

Ethel and Fred were replacing batteries in a remote that we ended up not needing, so they missed the subtle exchange. My wife, bless her, managed not to laugh out loud at me. I pressed the power button on the DVD player, and it came on without fuss. My wife, fighting back laughter, said, "I think he's got it". I stuck my head back behind the TV while Ethel happily announced, "I'll go grab one of our movies!" To my great annoyance, I saw that the DVD player had been properly plugged in all along. Then, with my head still back behind the TV, I heard Ethel say, "Oh... we sold all our DVD's when we moved."

Fred was silent, but the look on his face said, "We did *what*?"

Great, just great. Here's Captain Allergies with his head stuck behind a TV, inhaling dust and cobwebs so that a not-really non-functional DVD player in disguise could be "fixed" to play phantom disks. Just another afternoon in my crazy little world.

Stories From My Past: Hot For Teacher

One year while I was in college, I was enrolled in a calculus class. I was single. I had been single for a long time, and I was trying to do something about it. The problem with this was that I was also a shy, socially inept nerd.

I had been observing other guys around me, seeing how they handled themselves. They weren't afraid, they didn't trip on their words, they made friends easily and with confidence. I had none of these traits in my favor.

It was day one of the new semester, and I was determined that this semester would be different. I would grow a backbone! I would say something to a female beyond "Uh... huh... uh..." In fact, as I sat waiting for my calculus class to start, I decided right then and there that I was going to say "Hi!" to the very next girl who walked by.

And I did. She was quite good-looking. She said "Hi!" back, and we began talking. Amazingly, I didn't faint, or "nerd out", or stammer. It was really weird... I was having a conversation with a woman I didn't know, and it was going well. This was definitely new territory for me. She was actually interested in getting to know me! And I liked her. She was interesting, and funny. I began to try to think of a way to invite her to sit next to me once class started.

RING!!! The bell sounded... this was my moment! She interrupted my stammered "Uh... ww..ww..wwould you like to....?" question with, "Oh, sorry, I gotta go up there. Talk to you later!" With that, she jumped up to the front of the class, and started handing out her syllabus.

I had been hitting on the teacher.

"Brave, Confident, Outgoing Jeff" politely bowed out, and let "Shy, Nerdy, Goofball Jeff" take over for the rest of the semester.

Fat Americans

A couple of weeks ago, the Tulsa State Fair was held. A young couple I know (we'll call them Lucy and Ricky) attended, along with a friend of theirs from Scandinavia.

The Scandinavian friend was fascinated... not by the animals, or the rides, or the bands... but by the fat Americans. All over the fairgrounds, huge people were lumbering around, cracking pavement, eclipsing the sun, and stuffing their faces. We're not talkin' about tall, athletic, well-proportioned people here. We're talkin' about people who are wider than they are tall.

"My friends back home will never believe this!" said Skippy the Scandinavian. He began to send Lucy and Ricky out as decoys. "Stand next to that 450-pound woman eating the fried Snickers bar," he'd say. Lucy and Ricky would comply, then they'd look up at Skippy and wave like maniacs. Skippy held up his camera-phone, and took a picture of the fat woman.

Ricky was about to burst laughing. He thought this was the greatest trick in the world. Lucy was a bit more cautious. She was embarrassed about actively mocking the mountainous fair-goers, and she was a little concerned that she might be mistaken for a greasy corn dog and eaten.

As for the moral of the story; er... I'm not sure. I guess, if you happen to be a few hundred pounds overweight, you should probably see a doctor. And avoid my friends Lucy and Ricky... they're mean.

Stress Relief?

Yesterday, I was talking with a co-worker who I'll call Mr. Coffee. Mr. Coffee has had some rough days as of late, and was trying to come up with a method of stress relief. This is what he came up with:

"What we need to do is find a small room somewhere in this building that's not being used. Then, we hire a few minimum-wage guys to stay in that room. That way, when you're having a stressful day, you can just go into that room and stab somebody with a fork."

There was a significant pause for laughter. Once that died down, he elaborated some of the finer details of the plan. You must bring your own fork. If one of the fork-takers dies in the process, they would get special benefits - specifically, a free obituary listing. If you are able to lure an annoying co-worker into the room, then you could stab them with a spork.

Try as I might, it's hard to find flaws with a plan like this.

Random Threads

1) That "Whump!" sound you heard last night late in the third quarter was all the "fans" jumping off the Chicago bandwagon. Then, after an amazing and improbable comeback, the frantic scratching noises you heard was everybody jumping back on. Today, all will deny that they ever doubted. :)

2) Last night's episode of "Heroes" was pretty good, but I have to admit Niki disappointed me. There was a ton of build-up about "Nega-Niki" and how monstrous this alter-ego was supposed to be. Once we finally got to *see* Nega-Niki, I was really expecting more than just some generic kung-foo action.

3) Yesterday, we had servers at work that went "wiggy" (technical term). It made for a long day. Today... well, it looks like we might have more of the same. :(

4) Today, Mad Dogg / King Dork returns from his vacation in Puerto Rico. That means I can start giving him a hard time about how he left.

5) And finally, a shout-out of sorts for P-Ziddy. I saw that you dropped Culpepper from your fantasy football team... good move. :) But what,... no Harrington? ;)

Weekend Stories

Best Buy in Owasso opened this past weekend! I now have a Best Buy store within 5 minutes of my apartment.

Naturally, my wife and I went in there to "nerd out" and check out the goods. We didn't come away with any merchandise, but we did come away with some nifty Christmas ideas for each other.

And there's a new chapter in the saga of the satellite dish! You can refresh your memory here if you like.

Now that it's fall and the yard crew isn't out mowing, my neighbor has gotten lazy. He just leaves the dish out there in the middle of the yard day and night. Saturday night / Sunday morning, we had some rain and heavy winds. It knocked over his satellite and (I think) broke part of it.

A few hours later in the morning, my neighbor went out and did a Miracle Max routine on it. If you look carefully in the "Mostly Dead" second picture, you can see the length of red string that is holding part of the dish together.



Poor neighbor. I'm sure he was semi-desperate to get that dish working so that he could watch his favorite NFL team (St Louis Rams) play. Adding insult to injury is the fact that they lost in the final seconds of their game. :)

Gah! It's Friday

The week has caught up to me, and I'm badly in need of a weekend. I'm also in need of a blog story, it would seem. So, I'm going to be lame and just post a couple of links to people and things that are more interesting than I am.

First, a guy who has too much smarts n' free time, and perhaps not quite enough sense for his own good. He put a rocket engine in his VW Bug.

Second, a super-cool looking game. Lego Star Wars. I can't help but love it when Chewbacca pulls the arms off a Storm Trooper.

Many thanks to P-Ziddy for the entertainment.

Pseudo-Celebrity Sighting!

It has happened again! First, it was a John Ratzenberger look-alike. Then, it was a John Belushi clone. Yesterday, I saw a Pseudo-Celeb whose name wasn't John! It was Charlie Chaplin.

He had the black bowler hat and a black suit. He also had a black bow tie. He was shorter than Charlie, and heavier. So, in a way, he was kinda like a cross between Charlie Chaplin and Oliver Hardy.

I can't help but wonder who is going to be next. Maybe it'll be Barbra Streisand, and she'll respect my opinions. Yeah, that'll happen. ;) I'm still holdin' out hope for a "Bob the Builder" sighting.

Speaking of "The Barb", here's a nugget of joy from David Letterman...

Top Ten Signs Barbra Streisand's Gone Nuts

10. When a fan shouted, "Sing 'Memories'," she beat him to death with her high heel

9. Declared jihad on Liza Minnelli

8. At conclusion of "The Way We Were," bites off the head of a bat

7. Turned down an offer to save 15% on car insurance by switching to Geico

6. Invited Mel Gibson to come over and watch "Yentl"

5. Now believes that people who need people are only the third-luckiest people in the world

4. When a cameraman accidentally photographed her from the wrong side, she shot him with a 12-gauge

3. Refers to James Brolin's "Transmission needing work" if you know what I mean

2. Finally had a nose job -- to make it bigger!

1. Well, this is her fifth farewell tour

King Dork

On Monday, Mad Dogg and I had a conversation about a project that he's working on. He asked for advice with a code problem he was having, and I offered it. The conversation ended with words to the effect of, "Try [this n' that]", to which he replied, "OK, I'll try that."

What he didn't tell me is that at the end of the day, he had a conversation with his boss about this particular project. He said words to the effect of, "Yeah, Jeff's gonna work on that for me while I'm gone."

Then he left for a week to go to Puerto Rico.

I hereby anoint Mad Dogg, "King Dork".


By the way, this is my 100th post! Breathtaking. :)

It Would Be My Honor...

Last Friday I had the joy of an afternoon off, thanks to comp time. My wife and I got to go out on a date. We chose dinner at the Olive Garden, which is one of our favorite places.

The waiter came up to us with a huge grin and a greeting I hadn't heard before. "Hello, my name is Blinky and I am blessed with the opportunity to be ya'lls waiter tonight!" It wasn't just what he said, it was how he said it. He said it with a simple-minded sense of bliss that seemed to imply that he honestly couldn't think of anything else he'd rather be doing. Climb Mt. Everest? Naw. Hot date with a supermodel? Whatever. Win the lottery? Not today... today I get to be a *waiter*!!!

He continued. "It would be my honor to get ya'll something to drink. Would you like..." and he began to rattle off choices. We both chose water, and he left.

A few minutes later, he returned with 2 waters on a tray. "It would be my honor to serve you now." He put one down in front of me, but then he remembered / realized that there was a woman at the table. "Oh! Wait, sorry, ladies first!" He leaned over to grab the first glass, and promptly spilled the entire second glass of water right at me.

My wife moved her purse just in time to avoid having ice and water spilled into it. I moved back just fast enough to avoid the majority of the splash, although I did end up with one very damp knee. And the lady at the table behind us?... well, you would have thought she'd just heard a gunshot. She was well away from the action, but her chair moved, her purse was snatched up, and she didn't stop looking at us from then on.

Blinky apologized profusely. It was the only time during the entire meal that he lost his crazy grin. He and another waiter got us moved to another table nearby. Then, ... "It would be my honor to take your order now." As if nothing had happened.

Every time he came by for anything, it was his honor to do so. "It would be my honor to refill those waters." "It would be my honor to take your check when you're ready." When he refilled the drinks, he dribbled water on the floor at least once. I was relieved to see a kitchen lackey bring out our food instead of Blinky. Water will dry on its own, but I didn't want to have Marsala sauce splashed at me.

Toward the end of the meal, they brought in another couple to sit at our original table. We overheard them saying to each other, "Hey, there's water all over the floor back here."

We giggled silently at each other. Then we left before Blinky could strike again.

Weekend-Ish-Ness

Well, Saturday was interesting. OU and OSU both lost their football games. I had (still have) a bruise on the bottom of my left heel, and one of my neighbors backed into my car. Plus, a cell phone tower near us was having trouble, so we couldn't call anybody to commiserate.

Then, at 2AM Sunday morning I got a work-related phone call. The good news? Apparently the cells were working again!

Anyway, the items above in slightly more detail:

My left foot hates me, and I hate it. Dang stupid bruise. I'm trying to stay off it as much as possible, and it's felt better slightly as a result.

My car is OK. I have a noticeable dent and some scratches above the passenger side front wheel well. Silly neighbor. On the positive side, he did leave a note and was very honest and friendly about it. He'll be paying for the repairs, obviously.

As for the work-related call, it ended up being something I couldn't fix anyway.

The weekend wasn't a total wash-out, though. Friday night was actually pretty nice - I'll write about that for tomorrow.

And Saturday was my Dad's birthday! Happy B-Day, Dad. You're the best.