Greet

When I come into work in the morning, I usually walk past several colleague's desks so that I can say "good morning". This is as much a part of my routine as sleepwalking though a cup of coffee and mis-typing my password.

This particular morning I was a bit more zombie-like than normal. I wandered though the office with one hand raised, smiling and nodding at where people usually sat. I wasn't completely sure if there were people in those chairs, but if they were they got greeted.

SWOaN (She w/out a nickname) was chatting with OoRah as I shuffled by. OoRah grinned and said, "Here comes Jeff on his morning parade!"

I'm honestly not sure how this next part happened, because I was too tired to be clever. I exaggerated my one-handed wave and heard myself announce, "I'm just like the Queen of England".

As OoRah and SWOaN laughed, I spun dramatically, pointed at OoRah and shouted, "Don't try to tell me you weren't thinking it!"

It was here that my brain engaged and I realized that I was yelling at a Marine. Obviously, there are healthier activities. OoRah was too stunned and amused to retaliate, so I got away clean.

From the look on his face, he actually *wasn't* thinking of me as the Queen of England. I can't imagine why.

The Oklahoma Blizzard Of '09

Saturday was a snow day! You might have noticed.

That stuff came down fast, too. Morning... nothing. Early afternoon, 7 inches.

I wanted to go and goof around in the snow a bit. But I didn't want to drag out my heavy coat. Instead, I wound up going outside in my jacket and sandals.

That first little venture into the snow didn't last long. Next time I went out, I wore shoes. Mama didn't raise no fool.

I heard that some parts of our town got 9 inches of snow. I'm actually a little jealous.

Since it wasn't practical to go out, I stayed in and injured myself while reading.

Yeah, you read that right. Injured. I've been reading the "Otherland" series of books by Tad Williams. The end of the last book was so good that I didn't move for a solid hour. The book is over 900 pages, and I'd been holding it in my left hand the whole time. Not my brightest moment.

My arm was sore for most of the rest of the day. *sigh*

It was totally worth it, though. :)








By the way, we were out on the town Sunday and saw this outside a local tattoo parlor:

Stories From My Past - Doggie Burn

When I was a teenager, we had a little tan-colored idiot dog named "Corky". She was the dumbest animal ever to grace our planet. Stories about her amazing stupidity could fill volumes, but she wasn't the only dummy in this one.

I took Corky for a walk one fine summer day. Walking Corky always meant that I was holding the leash tightly while she did a desperate gasping little two-legged dance on the other end. Corky never walked *anywhere*. If I dropped the leash, she could outrun bullets.

We went to one end of our block. She was tugging me the whole way, eyes bugged out wide, partially from the unbelievable joy of new discovery ("WHAT'S THAT?!? WHAT'S THAT?!? WHAT'S THAT?!?"), and partly because she was choking herself on her leash.

We turned around. This time she was pulling on the leash because she could see our house. Her desperate gasping was starting to get to me, and since I couldn't slow her down I decided to jog a little.

Corky was beside herself with joy. The big person was running with her! She was on my left side, I had her leash in my left hand, the house was on the left side of the street... so naturally she got distracted by something and cut across me toward the right.

My whole family was out in the front yard, so they all got to see me trip and face-plant on the asphalt. But that wasn't the best part. When they finally got me upright, we found a little burned spot on the shoulder of my shirt. I had landed hard on that shoulder and then skidded for a short distance. I literally burned a hole in my shirt.

Owie.

Weird Wordy Wordishness

LadyPatsFan and I were talking recently, I don't remember what about. Somewhere along the line an inanimate object was referred to as "her". And then, LadyPatsFan tried to say, "Don't you like how I anthropomorphise things?"

Emphasis on "tried". It came out more like, "Don't you like how I anthra... anthro... mah... um... anther... porpoise..."

I laughed and tried to help her out, but I really can't quite pronouce that word either. The two of us sounded like we were trying to win a spitting contest.

"Anthra... Anter-poh-moes... Ant-Roh-Mama..."

Inspiration struck. "Auntie Porcupine!" I shouted.

Without missing a beat, LadyPatsFan said, "Yeah, don't you like how I porcupine'd it?"

Language is easy when you don't really care. :)

Cell Phone Camera Fun

Here's some amusements I've picked up over the past week or so with my cell phone camera.

Book

My wife was reading this book from the Tulsa Library. I don't remember the title or the author, but the author's photo on the back cover was pretty memorable.



Mugs

Saw these in a Hallmark store. The one on the right amuses me greatly, but the one on the left is so perfect that I nearly spent the 15 bucks for it.



Easter Conflict

This was on display at a local Hobby Lobby. First, I'm not sure that "Blaster" is quite in keeping with the spirit of the holiday. But even more amusing to me is the fact that these look like little hand grenades.



"Come see the violence inherent in the system", indeed.

A Pirate's Life For Me

Finally, this was also on display at Hobby Lobby. I love it! A sign, a fake treasure map, eye patches... It was seriously tempting to start on a Halloween costume.



On a slightly related note... while we were wandering through Hobby Lobby I heard a young lady complaining, "Sheesh... they've got so many *crafts* in here!..."

I wonder what store she thought she was in?

March Madness

I kid you not, this conversation actually happened. The bus driver who shuttles us from our office to the parking lot at work is an interesting fellow sometimes.

"So did you fill out one of them tourny brackets?"
"No, I'm not much of a basketball fan."
"Huh?"
"I said I'm not much of a fan. I'll pay attention if OSU is doing well, that's about it."
"Oh. So did you fill out a bracket?"
"No, I didn't fill out a bracket."
"Oh. Do you know how much it costs to fill out one of them brackets?"
"No, I didn't fill one out, so I have no idea."
"You didn't fill one out?"
"No, I didn't fill one out."
"You know how much you can win for those things?"
"I don't have any idea."
"Oh. [pause] Did you fill out a bracket?"

At this point I was desperate to try and deflect the conversation away from my unthinkable bracketology failure. I decided to invoke Big Dawg (who wasn't on the bus this trip).

"No, but I think Big Dawg filled out two."
"He filled out two?!?"
"Yeah, I think he did."
"You know how much it cost him to fill out his brackets?"

Eventually, I had to pretend that I'd forgotten how to speak English. It was the only way to end the madness.

In The News

I thought I'd start out the week with a couple of my favorite news stories from last week.

Woman Finds Dog Poo Worth $400

A North Carolina dog ate 400 dollars in cash. Yeah, you know where this is going. Never before have doggie deposits been so exciting. "Look! He's squatting... it's green! Yay!"

The first headline I saw on this one talked about how the owners were waiting for their "refund". I think that's an appropriate analogy, actually... people acting all excited about getting a portion of money back that belonged to them in the first place. Sounds pretty accurate, if you ask me.

And then there's this one...

Suspected deadly spider found in Tulsa

A deadly Brazilian "Wandering Spider" may or may not have hitched a ride to Tulsa on a banana. First class all the way, baby.

Obviously, few shoppers would think that this increased the value of their purchase. "I want my fruit with extra bugs, please!"

I honestly thought about doing a "Top Ten" style list for this titled, "Things I never want to find on my banana." As soon as I imagined P-Ziddy's response, I knew that I could never do it and keep it PG. :)

If you have small kiddos around, you might want to avoid the comment section today.

Redneck Engineering

From the email archive...

Question #1
How much does a house weigh and how much weight can a rural two-lane bridge hold?







Question #2
So, would this be covered by house insurance, car insurance, or does it come under roadside assistance?

Sound Effects

My wife sometimes has trouble getting people off the phone. We discuss this problem every now and then, but I think this time I really came up with a winner.

I suggested that she carry around an mp3 player loaded with sound effects. Then, she could make up any number of excuses to get off the phone. The more shocking and out-of-place the sound, the better. Keep in mind, we live well within city limits. :)

"... so then my grandmother said to me ..."
"Look, I gotta..."
"... and I said to her, I told her she was CRAZY, and then ..."
"Please, I need to..."
"... and you know what she said then? She said..."
[BBBRB RBBRRR UUUBUU UUUUUU UUUUZZ ZZZZZZZ]
"Oh sorry, I have to go. I'm chainsawing down an old tree."

How fun! A bizarre sound, a quick zinger, and then a blessed dial tone! It can't fail.

Imagine hearing a gun battle erupt in the background. Then, the zinger: "Sorry, there's a violent uprising against the home-owner's association. I'll have to go put the punks down."

Imagine hearing a duck desperately quacking. Then, the zinger: "Excuse me, our Duck Pâté dinner is trying to make a run for it."

Imagine hearing a car go screaming by, tires squealing, followed by police sirens. Then, the zinger: "Sorry, Burt Reynolds is here. I need to make sure he doesn't leave. Rawr."

Anyone have any other suggestions? :)

Spiky Weeds

I am a low-impact gardener. I want things to look nice, but I'm not willing to spend time on my hands and knees digging around for weed roots. I like chemicals.

So, every once in a while, I'll wander through the yard with a big spray bottle of "Chlorophyll-Nuker". My aim's gotten good, so I don't even have to bend over much. This is *my* kind of lawn care.

Recently I saw a pretty large clump of "broad leaf" weeds. I broke my pattern, and reached down to pull it.

Did you know some broad leaf weeds have spiky bits all over them? Really *really* sharp spiky bits?

My hand hurt for a full day after that.

I am nothing if not irrationally vengeful. I started by spraying the weed generously. Two days later, the leaves were curling upward in a slow display of defeat. I sprayed them again. I probably used about half the spray bottle.

Two days after that, the leaves were pointing upward alarmingly. It was as if the weed had thrown its hands up in surrender. I was not feeling benevolent, even then. I dug the weed up out of the ground. Then I sprayed the hole that had spawned it. Then I spit in it, cursed it, and packed it with old shoelace.

Now I make a habit of walking by the bare spot in the lawn and smiling. It makes me happy.

Never cross me.

Galoshes

My inlaws gave me a set of Galoshes. They said they never used them, so maybe I'd get some use out of them.

Scruffy took one look at them, smirked and said, "That's very nice." I offered them to him and he said, "No, I mean that it's very nice they were given to *you*".

I've never had galoshes before.



I'm not sure how to use these things exactly. They're supposed to protect against wet...?



I don't think it'll fit like that. Maybe if I try this...



Hm. Even worse than mittens. I wonder if...



No. No, that's out of the question.

Silly Car Stories

Saturday, my wife and I saw a sweet little elderly lady sitting in the passenger seat of a car at Mazzio's. She was grinning, looking peaceful, clueless and happy.

Another lady came out of Mazzio's. Her hands were absolutely full... pizza, purse, cell phone, who knows what else. She managed to stretch out one free trembling finger toward the door handle. The car door was locked.

She knocked on the glass. The sweet little grandmotherly lady leaned forward, still grinning... and simply waved.

We couldn't hear either of them, but the conversation was easy to imagine. "Mother... open the door!" "Yes Dearie, I see you!" "Mother, please open the door!" "Hi Dearie, isn't it a nice day out?"

This went on for two minutes before the pizza lady gave up and dug out her keys. My wife and I were nearly in tears... it was quite a spectacle.

And then... FIL (Father-In-Law) easily topped our story. :)

FIL went to the gym Saturday morning. While there, he heard several employees talking about how they were going to go out for lunch. One volunteered to drive, saying, "I'm in the red Tahoe."

FIL finished up and went out to the parking lot at around 11:30. He got into his car... which just happens to *also* be a red Tahoe.

He started the car, and checked his seat belt. Then, the passenger door opened and one of the ladies who works at the gym hopped in next to him.

FIL said, "Hi!".

Now, understand... FIL is not a quiet man even when he's calm. Seeing a relative stranger jump into his car made him somewhat less than calm. I have no doubt that he rattled the windshield and caused nearby dogs to howl in pain.

Gym Lady screamed and lept out of the car like her hinder was on fire. It's a miracle she didn't leave behind a stain on FIL's passenger seat. She ran for the other red Tahoe as if Usain Bolt was chasing her with a chainsaw.

FIL cackled like a maniac as he told us the story. "Next time I see her working at the gym," he promised, "I'm going to ask her if she needs a ride anywhere!"

More Album Covers

Remember the mock album covers I made last week? I asked if anybody wanted to make one of their own. I got a couple of responses.

This one is from iCanSpell...



Queen Sirkit Rose - with our eyes open

Nicely done.

My wife also clicked all the appropriate links. The random Wikipedia link gave her the name of an actual musician, which makes hers all the more probable...



Eddie Calhoun - what we learned the day before was wrong

Very cool. :)

Finally, not an album cover, just P-Ziddy with too much time on his hands. :) He couldn't leave the idea of "Jeff as Mojo-jojo" alone.



The Battle Of The Burning Hinder... sounds like the intro to a bad Mylanta commercial. :)

Hello Kitteh

A new JC Penny store has opened up near us. It's an amazingly big store... I got lost in it twice. Some of the "Grand Opening" customers are still there, eeking out a living in the camping supplies.

We saw this and thought of our buddy iCanSpell...



This should cure iCanSpell of her love for Hello Kitty merchandise. :)



Yes, I'm wearing an undershirt. I figure I wouldn't want that material actually touching my skin in real life, so why not?

Orbit Gum

You should all chew Orbit gum. Just look at what it did for this guy...

Man steals hundreds worth of gum

Dude stole over $500 worth of chewing gum. Words cannot express how much I love this story.

The police say that he either has some otherworldly Orbit gum obsession, or he was trying to resell them at another store. I can't help but giggle at the black-market gum possibility. "The thief was arrested with hundreds of dollars of gum, which has a street value of hundreds of dollars."

Just think if he was planning to hit a party supply store next. That much gum plus some helium, and he could improvise his own hot air balloon. I can picture him floating among the stars, cackling and dropping Mylar remnants in his wake.

It's a good thing the police caught him when they did. Think of the poor balloons.

In Review

My wife reminded me that I've been in Tulsa now for three full years. Pretty amazing how time flies! Since I work for a news organization, I thought it would be appropriate to look back at the ways that I personally have made headlines over the past three years.

2006
Jeff promoted to "Planetary" status after Pluto downgraded

Jeff spreads Bird Flu in Scotland

Warren Buffet donates 40 billion to the "Jeff is Amazingly Great" foundation, but rescinds the gift after realizing he'd donated it to the wrong dork

2007
Jeff narrowly misses out on being the first female Speaker Of The House

Jeff drives 800 miles non-stop wearing an astronaut diaper, but still arrives too late for the "Beastie Boys" reunion concert

In Illinois, Pluto restored to "Planetary" status, Jeff demoted to "Dwarf Dork" status

2008
Jeff earns Olympic gold as member of Chinese Gymnastics team

Jeff buys Ohio-based plumbing business, fires "Joe the Plumber"

Jeff applies for, receives federal bailout funds, then books a Vegas retreat

Spanish Greeting

At church last Sunday the Pastor gave the typical greeting, "Let's take a minute and say 'hi' to the people around you." Some members were getting ready for a mission trip to Mexico, so he added, "If you want to say 'hi' to somebody in Spanish, it's 'Hola'".

And thus, the officially-sanctioned glad-hand session began.

Pastor was working his way down our aisle, shaking hands and such. I don't know much Spanish, but I know enough to be able to slaughter a simple greeting. When he walked by me I grabbed his hand and said, "Hola. ¿Cómo estás?" But I deliberately pronounced it badly.

"Hoe-Luh. Coh-moh Ess-tess?"

Pastor rolled his eyes a bit, and played along. "Mucho Dorito to you too."

The people in the row behind us laughed and got in on the act. Pastor's next several greetings were:

"Taco Grande."
"Burrito Loco."
"¡Caramba!"

I've always wanted to be the instigator of something wonderful. Lacking that, I guess this will do.

Triumph

Facebook has some "games" that users pass around to each other. Most I ignore. Here's a rare one that caught my eye and looked fun.

First, go to "wikipedia" and hit "random".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

Then, go to "Random quotations"
http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

Go to flickr and click on "explore the last seven days"
http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Finally, use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

I think mine turned out pretty good. What do you think?



By the way, if you don't have a Facebook account but feel inspired, feel free to send me your album covers. I'll happily post them here.

UPDATE: I couldn't resist. I did it again, and was amused by the results. Plus, this time I got a an even prettier album cover.



Both my fake band names are British-themed. Who could have guessed, 'guv?