The Moderately Famous Thanksgiving Post

As promised, here's a pic of a Turkey...


OK, admit it... you want it too. :)

Unrelated, but fun... in P-Ziddy's own words: "If you ever needed additional proof that I've got too much time on my hands..." He offers up this unsolicited "Photoshop Jeff" pic for your amusement.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Funny Pictures

I'm taking the easy route today. I'll be doing the Thanksgiving thing during the long weekend, but I'll still prolly post a picture of a Turkey tomorrow. I won't post anything Friday.

Rejoice in the warmth of silly pictures!

Thanksgiving #1

My wife and I are blessed with a large extended family. Sunday night we had Thanksgiving #1 (of 3!!!) at my Aunt's house.

My Uncle has had pneumonia - loads of fun. We saw him and asked how he was feeling. My Uncle's dad popped out of the woodwork at that point, so he got the same question. "Oh, bad!", he said in that blunt why-sugar-coat-it way that some older folks have. "I've been feeling horrible, same sort of stuff he's got... I think we poisoned each other."

My wife and I exchanged glances, both thinking the same thing. "Contagions! Yay!"

With goal #1 firmly established (Don't get sick), we settled in to wait for the rest of the guests to arrive.

One of the guests was a non-blood-relative cousin of mine with extremely simple culinary notions. I overheard her during dinner saying, "If you put enough butter on it, anything tastes good."

Later, I discretely field-tested her theory on a small chunk of concrete. I learned that there are no culinary absolutes (thank goodness she wasn't the one cooking!). I also learned that chipping up bits of your hosts' driveway is a social faux pas.

My niece and nephews were there, too. Littlest Nephew (2 years old) was poking around my uncle's game room. There was a pool table, bowling balls, all kinds of stuff on the walls, but my burrowing nephew zero'd in on a small plastic rod behind a chair. "I find stick!" he gleefully exclaimed. He must have known it was a hall of fame toy (no, really).

There's more to that story, and if you know me personally, I'll be glad to tell you. Let's just say he was unintentionally hilarious with that "stick". Too cute for words. :)

I wanna thank my Aunt for the early T-Day, the good food, and the fun time. We love you! Happy early Thanksgiving, all!

'Mo Dog Abuse

I have two completely unrelated funnies for you. They are too short to justify individual blog posts. Together, they make no sense.

1) Hey Mo!

I saw this picture frame at a Linens N Things "going out of business" sale, and I must admit, I was tempted.


So many possibilities for that missing last letter. It could say "MOO" and have a pic of a cow, or "MOP" with a pic of Mom at work, or you could make it "MOE" and have a pic of the Three Stooges.

Ultimately, thrift won out (It usually does with me). Virtual mockery is cheaper than the real thing.

2) Dog Abuse

My wife and I were walking in our neighborhood over the weekend. We walked past a house with a privacy fence and (we would soon learn) a relatively big dog. Suddenly, from the other side we heard, "BARK! BARK! *thud*".

The fence swayed gently for a moment.

We swayed for a lot longer than a minute. We laughed so hard we couldn't walk straight.

How was your weekend? I bruised a mongrel. :)

Bus Driver - Ribs

It's "Two For The Price Of One!" Friday.

Bus Driver

Our company parking lot is 5 blocks away. There's a bus that shuttles us back and forth, and I've blogged about the bus driver a few times. :) He's a real friendly (and mildly horrifying) guy.

I've recently realized that the walk to and from work is the only exercise I get. Ever. So I haven't ridden the bus in about 3 months. Often the bus will drive by as I'm coming or going, and he always waves.

Yesterday, I pulled into the parking lot and the bus was sitting there. Suddenly, I felt as lazy as I've ever felt. The wind was strong and cold. I decided, "Heck with it! I'm riding the bus today!"

I climbed up the bus steps and grinned. "Hey, BD, how're ya doin'?"

He looked at me impassively and said, "You seen Big Dawg? I ain't seen him in 'coupla days."

Well, gee. I've missed you too, BD. See if *I* wave next time you drive by.

Ribs

A few days ago, my parents were baby-sitting my niece and two nephews. Mom made a big pile of ribs in the smoker outside. My oldest nephew (8) loves his gramma's ribs.

He helped her bring them in when they were done and then asked if he could have some. Mom pulled the meat off a few bones and gave it to him in a bowl. He wandered off, a happy small man.

His sister (6) saw this. What's good enough for big brother is good enough for her! She approached my mom, saying "Gramma... I want some ribs too!" Mom de-boned a few more, and neice left, smug and happy.

My littlest nephew (2) saw this. He tugged on Mom's pant leg. "Gwamma," he insisted, "I wanna I wanna too!" Mom pulled the meat off a single rib and gave it to him in a bowl. He waddled off, thrilled.

2 minutes later, he came back. He was making a disgusted face and puckering his little lips. He looked up and said, "Gwamma... I dun like 'dis chicken."

Poor guy. That must have been a rude dining experience. :) Durn those 2-year-old expectations.

Bizarre Middle Names

This is just too good to let go by without comment. A couple in Broomfield, Colorado gave their new child a middle name of "Barack Obama".

Yeah, I thought "middle name" was singular, too. But apparently, not to this couple. The middle child's middle name is "John Elway". The oldest child has the only one-word middle name, "Trout". No, I'm not making any of this up. Literally, the kids are:

From the article:

"Roger Sealy has a deal with his wife: She gets to pick their children's first names, and in return, he chooses their middle names -- with impunity."

Brooke Trout Sealy
Cooper John Elway Sealy
Carter Barack Obama Sealy

I wonder if they've already starting putting money aside for their kids to go to therapy? "Dad gave me two middle names... I'm not black... I've never even *been* a member of a union!"

Another thing that stands out to me is that the Mom let the Dad pick the middle names. She picked first name, he picked middle. She had to know, especially after the first two, that he'd do something wacky. "Honey, here's our new deal... I'll pick the child's first *and* middle names, and you get to pick his first favorite color. As long as you pick blue."

But enough of this silliness... I've got better silliness in mind. What's the best outrageous middle name you can think of? Here's a few to get you started:

Jeremy Eleanor Roosevelt Colvin
Montgomery Harry Potter Mitchell
Alice Mocha Latte Williams
Jimmy Pulitzer Prize Dmitriev
Penelope Captain America Ives
Jerome Vanilla Ice Woods
Marcus Blunt Object Thompson
Barbara Dr. Teeth And The Electric Mayhem Holman
Theodore El Dorado Moorehead
Boris Lava Taco Henderson
Stacy Nasal Decongestant Kissinger
Joseph Raging Thyroid Steele
Michelle I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Walker
Jean-Paul Yatta Aiken

Santa Coffee

My wife went to Hobby Lobby to look for Christmas Ornaments. She saw one that she thought looked perfect for me. My jaw dropped when I saw it.

Best. Ornament. Ever. That is *so* going on the tree, front and center. I may set up a large spotlight to feature it even more prominently. I already hear an angelic Hallelujah chorus every time I look at it.


Of course, not all ordinary objects look good on a Christmas tree. Check it out... this tree has:

- Burned Toast
- A Dancing Old Man
- An Ink Pen
- A Cell Phone
- A Second Tree
- Me!

It ain't pretty, is it folks? I considered adding a "Winged Demon" to the tree because it was funny, but then I realized that it's not an average ordinary everyday object (unless you work in Marketing).

What else could I have put on this tree?

OoRah

The artist formerly known as "Hoo-Rah" cornered me the other day. He sent me a link to a page explaining that "OoRah!" is the traditional Marine battle cry, not "Hoo-Rah".

He was very nice about it, but I still considered changing his nickname to "Hoo-Hah" in retaliation. Then I remembered that he's a former marine and I'm a limp nerd. I considered blogging about the experience, but then I saw in the link he sent that OoRah basically translates to, "Let's kill." I decided to hide under my desk and soil myself instead. Then, somehow, this blog just kinda wrote itself (at least, that's my excuse if he asks).

All that aside, I love the idea of having a professional battle cry. The Army has "Hooah!". The Marines have "OoRah!". Why not the rest of us? Let's make some new traditions, shall we?

Weatherman:	Oo!Cloud!
Car Salesman:	Zoom!Zoom!
Math Teacher:	Plus!Plus!
Italian Chef:	Ahma!CoooKa!
Jazz Musician:	Blues!Dude!
James T. Kirk:	KHAAN!
Roofing Contractor:	Next!Week!
Web Programmer:	Copy!Paste!

What other short, vowel-heavy battle cries can you come up with?

Christmas Lights

Sunday morning I was talking to Scruffy and mentioned a family member who is known to occasionally annoy (we all have them). My wife, ever the diplomat, said "She loves you and you know it." "Well, of course," I replied. "She embraces the obvious wisdom of the fact that I am lovable."

Scruffy laughed. I acted hurt.

Later, I mentioned that I was going to hang up our Christmas lights that afternoon. I invited Scruffy to come hang out and point and laugh when I fell off the ladder. Instead, he offered to be all responsible and stuff... "I'll call 911 for you." "Scruffy," I asked, "You won't laugh at a classic pratfall but you laugh at the notion that I'm lovable. You wound me, Sir."

As it turns out, I didn't have to climb the ladder to hurt myself. Instead, I used the ladder to whack myself on the left knee. Twice. Hard. It used to be such a good knee.

Sadly, I don't have any pictures for you of our house all lit up. My wife assures me that we won't actually run the lights until Thanksgiving. What she doesn't suspect is that I'm going to feed her a turkey sandwich tonight and then flip the switch.

Stay tuned!

Photohop Jeff - Inaugural Jeff Results!

This time, the Photoshop Jeff event was in celebration (?) of our nation's upcoming whatsahoosit.

As usual, not everybody stuck to the theme, which just adds to the fun.

Let's get started!

First up is V. She had this one done for me within hours of the first "Inaugural" post, which just goes to show she's not busy enough. ;)



This next one is from Powerama. He modified me physically! I've never looked better. He says, "Now you're Kali," and indeed I am. V saw this one and said she'd never imagined me as a female demigod. I was shocked.



This one is from the former Boy Wonder. I can no longer call him Boy Wonder, though. He got married in late October. I've seen some of the wedding pictures, and "Sharp Dressed MAN!" is much more appropriate for him now. They grow up so fast.



This next one is from P-Ziddy, and it's one of my favorites. He titled it "Low Effort Photoshop", but the ROI on this one is huge.



Short Timer came up with this one. He said, "This would have been a winning ticket." I'm flattered, but I'm not giving the dresses back.



This last one is also from P-Ziddy. He also doesn't have enough to do. :)



Finally, this one is from me. In honor of two recent posts, I've got a missing tooth (sort of a pirate-ish thing to do, although you can't see it at this size), and I've been blessed by a passing sparrow.



Thanks to everyone who participated! All the Photoshops are on the upper right of the blog, so enjoy. Have a great weekend!

I Was Born On A Pirate Ship

Photoshop Jeff Reminder!

Don't forget about Photoshop Jeff! It's the goodness that's good because you made it good! I'll give it a week or so and then post all the entries. This one came from P-Ziddy... thanks, P-Ziddy!

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This is quite possibly the coolest thing I've ever seen. 8 feet tall, 7 or 8 feet long... it's an inflatable Santa on a Pirate Ship. I can already hear icanspell asking, so I'll go ahead and mention that I saw this at Lowes (you're welcome). If they still have one as the holiday arrives and the dramatic sales begin, it's MINE.

I love the fact that this thing has a cannon. If there's any justice in the world, it'll have a motion sensor that fires streamers outta that thing when gawkers get too close. I can hear Santa in my head, "Ho! Ho! Ho!... Maaaaaaaan, your battle stations!"

I can't be sure, but I think one of those reindeer is holding a bottle of rum. If he isn't, then he should be.

But by far the best addition a clever homeowner could contribute to this would be an undead monkey. Animatronic and grouchy, for preference. *That* should keep the carolers movin', I would think.

The Dental Story, Part 2

Photoshop Jeff Reminder!

Don't forget about Photoshop Jeff! It's the goodness that's good because you made it good! I'll give it a week or so and then post all the entries. This one came from Boy Wonder (who is, as of late October, in need of a new nickname)... thanks, Boy Wonder!

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Yesterday was The Big Dentist Play Day. He got to hit me with the drill, the rinse / suck hoses, big things that looked like caulk guns, needles, clamps, arm restraints, tiny pieces of sandpaper, floss, a shop-vac and a two-by-four. By the end I was so dazed and confused that I became part of the target audience for Knight Rider.

Even so, it wasn't bad. They have a TV in the room, and gave me a list of movies to chose from. I watched "Pirates of the Caribbean" while he sliced and diced my bad tooth. Of course, I saw the movie in haze of rising tooth dust and under the influence of sedatives, so fantasy and reality became a bit of blur. I didn't notice at first, but in retrospect I seriously doubt that he was poking at my teeth with a rusty sword. However, I am *quite* certain that the receptionist shouted "AVAST!" when I tried to leave without paying.

Three weeks from now I'll get the permanent crown seated, and then I'm done with the dentist for a while. It's gonna be great, only being able to chew on one side of my mouth during Thanksgiving. Oh well... if it comes loose I'll have a great prank item to slip into Grandpa's drink.

Kamikaze Republicans

Photoshop Jeff Reminder!

Don't forget about Photoshop Jeff! It's the goodness that's good because you made it good! I'll give it a week or so and then post all the entries. This one came from Powerama... thanks, Powerama!

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So, there was this big event last Tuesday, you may have noticed. There were lots of large-print headlines in various newspapers the next day. The Tulsa World sold out of Wednesday's edition. Demand was so high that they decided to reprint 7,500 copies of the Election pages.

LadyPatsFan decided that she wanted one of those copies, so she went to the downtown office to buy one. She told me that there were 3 or 4 folk in front of her, and that each one of them was acting all embarrassed.

"...pssst... um... I'm here for... [quickly looks around, lowers head and whispers even more]... the uh... reprint of the... er... you know..."

I couldn't help but laugh. "What, were they afraid that some Kamikaze Republicans would jump out of nowhere and beat them senseless?"

"Kamikaze Republicans" is such a fun phrase. I'm having a great time inserting it into casual conversation.

"The little girl down the street lost her dog... prolly those Kamikaze Republicans, they're gonna train him to attack White House Reporters."

What will *you* blame on the Kamikaze Republicans?

The Bird Poop Express

Photoshop Jeff Reminder!

Don't forget about Photoshop Jeff! It's the goodness that's good because you made it good! I'll give it a week or so and then post all the entries. This one came from V... thanks, V!

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The other day I left work and walked out to the parking lot. I wandered around for a few minutes before I found my car. It had changed colors.

It seems that the winged wonders of Oklahoma are experimenting with a new migration pattern. There are no poles or wires over where I park, and yet my noble steed was coated with the detritus of a hundred sparrows. Top, sides, hood... literally every surface. No one else's car was defiled.

I drove home in the Bird Poop Express.

When I got home, my wife saw me pull into the driveway. She stared at the poop-mobile, eyes wide. In the distance, a neighbor's dog began to howl sadly. "Please tell me you're not parking that thing in our garage," she said. "That much methane might be a fire hazard."

Today my car is shiny red again, instead of lumpy brown. Thank goodness for the car wash. I hope they don't have too much trouble unclogging their drains.

Photoshop Jeff - Inaugural Jeff!

It's time to dust off the 'ol "Photoshop Jeff" routine and put a red/white/blue spin on it, baby!

Click the pic on the right and you can get to the higher-res version. Then, do your worst. Feelin' down in a funk 'cause your candidate didn't win? Prop me up on a dead donkey. Feel like celebrating? Change my skin tone and let fly the ticker-tape.

Of course, if you're going to modify me physically, please consider giving me a couple of biceps. I seem to have misplaced mine.

As always, you can check out the previous Photoshop Jeff posts over in the right rail of this blog. When you have your work of art ready, just email it to:

jeff.w.mcclung  @  gmail.com

I have a very strict posting policy. If you submit it, I have to post it (please keep it PG-13, PG for preference).

Happy weekend, all!

The Dental Story, Part 1

Tuesday I had my first Dentist visit in at least 3 years. The news wasn't especially good.

It did start out well, though. When I walked in there was a framed sign on the receptionist's desk that said, "Welcome new patients David and Jeff". Not only was I already well known in this strange new universe, but I also had an instant arch-rival.

Step carefully, David. My chi is mighty.

I was taken to a small room and interrogated by women wearing plastic gloves. I mentioned that I work for a major local newspaper. "Oh!", said my perky inquisitor, "Then you can tell me why the paper's price went up."

"I need to be able to afford dentists," I said.

She glared at me, hard. Then she announced that they had just that moment run out of complimentary packs of dental floss. I would have to go home without any dental swag. That'll teach me.

It turns out I have a cracked tooth from an old filling that's going bad. When they first told me I was going to get a crown, I asked if I'd also get a scepter, castle, and alligator-infested moat. Turns out, not all crowns are created equal.

Part 2 of this adventure will be Tuesday the 11th. Fillings replaced, temporary crown installed, and I'll do battle with my new arch-enemy. Sleep lightly, David, for your reign of terror will end soon!

Jeff In Da Hood

Because I *know* you didn't come here for post-election analysis. :)

"I was born a poor black child."
    -- Steve Martin in The Jerk

The other day Hoo-Rah and I noticed a comment on an OSU blog that said it was from "JEFF". Intrigued, we both leaned in to see what I supposedly said. One statement in particular stood out.

"... he's simply d'bomb for
the O ..."

We blinked. Hoo-Rah looked at me and said, "You know, I don't even know what that means."

"I wouldn't expect you to," I said, full of fakey-smug self-importance. "You being all sheltered and such." I waved my hand dramatically, gesturing toward myself. "*I*, of course, grew up in the hood."

There was a brief pause. Hoo-Rah was not able to contain his laughter as he replied, "I can see that."

Sure, I only weigh 135 soaking wet and I'm whiter than sour cream. It *could* be true. You never know.

Obviously, depending on whether your underwear is red or blue, you may be in need of a laugh this morning. You could do worse than revisiting one of my favorite Photoshop Jeff's. Check out my blog's top-right module if you want to see some of the others from days past.

History

Saturday we went to a WWII historical event ("World War II: A Day of Living History"), put on by the 45th G Company. Same basic idea as last year, with some different speakers and artifacts. Oh, and this time I got to ride in one of the jeeps.

That's right. A 60-year-old army jeep. No shocks, no seat belts, NO PROBLEM!

Cat's hubby owns the jeep... you can see him in the pic with a couple of random kiddos. He drove me down South Yale ave.

It was a fantastic experience. A bit terrifying, but still fantastic. We'd hit a bump, my hinder would leave the seat and my life would flash before my eyes. I got used to it though, and by the end I wasn't even screaming much.

The best parts were the stoplights. A car would pull up next to us, and the driver would slowly look us up and down. When their eyes hit me, it was pretty obvious what they were thinking. "Authentic jeep, authentic-looking driver... what's with the nerd?"

When he parked the jeep I fell out and started kissing the ground. I hope he doesn't have much trouble removing the stains from his passenger seat.

So there you have it. I have ridden in an authentic World War 2 Army Jeep. I even lived to tell the slightly exaggerated tale. Yay me!