Jeff: As Good As Hawaii

Aw yeah. You read that right. Lemmie 'splain...

Yesterday, a crisis came up. A project came out of nowhere, and needed to be done right away. I found out about it around 1PM, and it had to be done by 5PM.

I dropped everything, and got it done.

When I was finished, I went up to Cowboy's office to make sure all was good. He and Kinzie were there. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Who's your favorite miracle worker?"
Cowboy: "You are, definitely, you are."
Me: "Say it louder."
Cowboy: "Jeff is my favorite miracle worker."
Me: "Louder."

At this point, Cowboy turned to face the maze of nearby cubicles, stuck his arms out dramatically, and in a positively *soft* conversational voice said, "Jeff is my favorite miracle worker." Absolutely no one heard him.

Me: "That wasn't very loud. You don't feel very strongly about this, do you?"

Cowboy laughed. I suddenly changed the subject.

Me: "How was Hawaii?" (Cowboy just got back from a Hawaiian vacation)
Cowboy: "It was good. It was real good."
Me: "Wow... you have about as much enthusiasm for Hawaii as you did for me saving your skin."

At that point, Kinzie jumped in. "Hey, that's not bad! You're as cool as Hawaii, man!"

So there you have it. On the authority of two people many of you have never met, I am every bit as grand as Hawaii itself.

Boo-Yah!

Orchestra Pseudo-Celebs

At the Tulsa Symphony Orchestra concert last weekend, we saw a couple of semi-famous faces among the musicians.

Playing in the second violin section was Selma Blair! How kind of her to take time off from her busy movie schedule to come to Tulsa and turn pages for her music-stand-buddy. Obviously, this is a step up for her.

In the cello section, we saw Wolf Blitzer! He was obviously deep undercover, in search of a story. I'd bet on seeing one of those "Special Report With..." thingies on the news any day now. I'd bet that 4th trumpet player who couldn't stay awake was really a foreign spy. Or maybe he's trying to track down the latest super-celebrity criminal trial gossip, which would mean...

*gasp*

Look out, Selma! Wolf is out to get you!

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History of sightings:

John Ratzenberger. John Belushi. Charlie Chaplin. Sammy Davis Jr. Sherlock Holmes. Carol O'Conner. Charles Barkley. Hurley.

Al Sharpton, Hurley (again), Santa. Drew Barrymore, John Cleese, Richard Simmons, Amanda Plummer, Jack Black. Rainn Wilson. Cousin Itt, Corpse Bride. Samuel L. Jackson, Dick Cheney. Emma Thompson.

Tulsa Symphony Orchestra

Saturday, my wife and I went to the Tulsa Symphony Orchestra concert. It was titled, "A Magical Evening." And indeed it was:

"Harry's Wondrous World", from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (John Williams)
This was basically just one big fanfare after another. Arguably, just like the movies.

"Ritual Fire Dance" (Manuel de Falla)
This one actually sounded a bit like a cartoon soundtrack when I closed my eyes. I was all sorts of good with that.

"Wotan's Magic Fire Music" (Richard Wagner)
Very theatrical, as you'd expect. Hey, it's Wagner... you either "get it" or you don't.

"Danse Macabre" (Camille Saint-Saens)
It was lively and fun. Central figure in this "story" is the devil. When the conductor explained that to the audience, I couldn't help but think of "The Devil Went Down To Georgia". It almost spoiled the tune for me.

"The Sorcerer's Apprentice" (Paul Dukas)
Fantasia, baby. If you aren't at least a little bit familiar with this one already, then you're dead inside.

"Firebird Suite" (Igor Stravinsky)
The seven movements of this suite seemed (to me) to convey the following feelings:
1) Soft, Comfortable, Pillowy Goodness
2) HEY!!! LOOK AT ME!!!
3) Tentative Investigation
4) C'mon! Let's have a feast!
Obviously I was a bit fuzzy on where movements began and ended.

"Symphonie Fantastique" (Hector Berlioz)
The conductor explained the story for this one, making sure to tell us about the part where the main character is executed in the guillotine. When they came to that part in the music, he actually turned to face the audience, and made a comedic throat-slash gesture. It was grand.

For an encore, they did "Ride of the Valkyries" by Wagner. I dunno about the rest of the audience, but I was happily chanting "Kill da wabbit" throughout. Good times.

There were a few pseudo-celebs in the orchestra itself, but I'll save that for another post. One other fun thing of note... the 4th trumpet player was this huge overweight man who leaned sideways whenever he wasn't playing. He looked like he was going to fall asleep in his chair.

Not me, baby! Wide awake, all the way.

Weekend Update

Here's a late Photoshop Jeff entry, from Short-Timer (I've updated the main "results" post to include this one). Once the idea presented itself, he said he couldn't resist. There's a joke here about what Short-Timer is or isn't able to resist, but I'd better just let that joke write itself. :)

Shame On

Recently, P-Ziddy reminded me of a minor story, and he encouraged me to lash out in irrational agression. I am nothing if not a slave to suggestion. Therefore...

Big Dawg
I've recently learned that Big Dawg is incapable of saying the word "Chiquita" (as in, Chiquita Banana) without grinning wildly and doing a small dance. Big Dawg is not a small man. When a big man does a small dance... bits wiggle. Therefore:



Plaza Protesters
There's a building nearby where I work called "Crowne Plaza". Every now and then, protesters set up a "Shame On" banner (no joke!) during the lunch hour. However, all banner ever says is "Labor Dispute". And there's only ever two of them... sometimes less. Therefore:



Mother Nature
My car sprung a leak, and what happened? Rain every few days, water sloshing around in my passenger side, mildew stink tickling my nose. It kept me up at night, terrified and weeping like a small girl. Therefore:



P-Ziddy
Since P-Ziddy is personally responsible for this unnecessary flood of whining and bile, I thought it only fair that he get a little of the luvin', too. Therefore:



By the way, there will be no blog post tomorrow. I'm taking a vacation day. Happy (early) weekend, all!

Photoshop Jeff, Halloween Results!

Aw yeah.

Your mission? Take this pic, and make it look silly.

Yeah, I know. It's hard to make such a perfect exhibit of manhood into something silly.

But some of you have got the knack. And now, I present to you... the Photoshop Jeff results... HALLOWEEN EDITION!!!

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UPDATE: Here's a late entry, from Short-Timer. Once the idea presented itself, he said he couldn't resist. There's a joke here about what Short-Timer is or isn't able to resist, but I'd better just let that joke write itself. :)



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First up is one of the very first ones I got. I can always count on Powerama to make me into a Superhero! I'm Iron Man! Fear me!



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This one is from Special K. You know, one time I climbed up on a 6-foot ladder. I stretched up as far as I could. I stood on my toes at the very top. Even so, I've *still* never actually been this tall.



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This one came from Fyrebaugh. I am "The Thing" (from Fantastic Four), standing in front of Mt. Fuji.



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This one came from Kinzie. He knows that I always have the best goodies to give out to the kiddos on Halloween.



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These two came from Boy Wonder - Master of Disguise. I have to admit, I've never seen Sin City. All I can say about this one is, I look *good* in yellow.



I look even braver and more dashing than normal in this one. :)



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Naturally, I had to get in on the action, too. I'm not good with Photoshop, but hopefully the idea is amusing regardless.



This one is intended to be a parody of those "Shop Victoriously" eBay ads. Here's a definition of PWN, for those who don't know. The logo on the shirt?... well, I typed "shirt logo" into google images and picked the first one that had me laughing.



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These last two came from Short-Timer. These are things of beauty. He calls this first one "Busty Jeff", which disturbs me a bit...



And this one... the characters in the background are simply glorious. Click into it for a bigger version, and just stare at it for a while. I stand in awe of this one.



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As always, late entries will still get posted, 'cause I'm cool like that. :)

Thanks for playing along! I love these things.

Here's the link to all the Photoshop Jeff pics.
Photoshop Jeff #1
Photoshop Jeff #2
Photoshop Jeff #3

So, Um... Hooray?

NOTE: I will post Photoshop Jeff results tomorrow! If you haven't sent me one, HURRY!

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Last week I mentioned my car's new water-retentive tendencies. This week, the story changes a little.

It would appear that that body shop's freebie "wiggle it and hope for the best" approach was mostly better than worthless! I'm all excited!

After yesterday's rain, there was a slight bit of damp on the passenger side floor. This is a dramatic improvement over the 1 - 2 inches of puddled joy I got last week. It also means that I'll have to find someplace else to keep my mermaid.

Sheesh. I'm boring this week. Thank goodness for Photoshop projects. ;)

Why Would I Want A Refund?

NOTE: I will be posting the Photoshop Jeff results Wednesday or Thursday this week. Stay tuned! Send in your pics if you haven't already!

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About a month ago, my wife and I got new phones. Sprint has a buy-back program for old phones, so we mailed ours in to see if we'd get any kind of refund.

Late last week, Sprint called my wife. The conversation went something like this.

Sprint: "Hello, this is Obviously-Fake-American-Name-With-Thick-Indian-Accent. I am calling to ask if you'd like a refund on your merchandise."
My Wife: "What? Are you talking about those old phones we sent back?"
Sprint: "I am calling to ask if you'd like a refund."
My Wife: "er... yeah?"

What kind of job must that be? "You're in charge of calling people and asking them questions to which the answer will always be 'yes'. Do you think you can handle that for us?" "Duh... yeah boss.... I think I can do that... "

Honestly, did they expect some other answer from us? "Naw, we're tossin' money away left n' right, got no use for the stuff. Keep it!"

This must be a very *special* employee, I'm thinkin'. "We were gonna let you empty the trash, but ever since that chemical fire you started back in July...." "Duh... sorry about that, boss... you look good without eyebrows, boss..."

I am *so* disappointed that he didn't ask if we wanted Fries with that refund. ;)

Car Pool

It rained last Sunday night. This, ordinarily, isn't something I concern myself with much. However, this time was notable because my car decided not to be waterproof.

Monday morning, I got out to my car and found the floor on the passenger side flooded. There was literally 1 to 2 inches of water puddled up.

I sopped up what I could with a blanket and went to work. The weather was just *perfect* for drying out a damp car. *sigh*

I should have just gone for the opposite extreme. Fill the sucker up all the way to the windows! Wear my swim trunks to work! Get some goldfish! Colored rocks for the bottom! A mermaid for the back seat! A land mass for tropical vacationing!

These things are always so obvious in hindsight.

Tuesday, I began to experience "The Stink". Ah, mildew, my old nemesis... we meet again.

Wednesday, finally, most of the damp was gone. But... it rained Wednesday afternoon. And my car let in the water again. Obviously, the problem wasn't as simple as a window being down.

This is the part where the brain cells started to do useful things. My wife and I noticed an area of molding at the bottom of the windshield on the passenger side. It was coming up. We knew there was more rain coming that night, so we sopped up what we could and put saran-wrap on the windshield down there to try and stem the tide.

It rained Wednesday night. You may have noticed. My Brother-and-Sister-in-law certainly did (she's still in the hospital as of this morning, but should be allowed to go home sometime today).

The saran-wrap stopped much of Wednesday night's water from getting in. So, we've found a culprit. Thursday, my wife got the car worked on by a body shop with a "Well, we'll wiggle it a bit and see if that helps" mentality.

I can't complain too much though, since it was part of their free estimate. It probably didn't do any good, but it was free and it gave me some false hope. Whoo-hoo!

I'd like my car interior to not be damp and stinky now, please.

Big White Thing

UNRELATED NOTE:
A severe thunderstorm in Tulsa knocked down a couple of tents at Oktoberfest last night. My wife's brother and his wife were there, and were among those taken to the hospital. Thankfully, their injuries are relatively minor.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled nonsense...

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Sometimes I surprise my wife.

A few nights ago I was winding down, getting ready to crash for the night. I had my typical white nightshirt on. My wife walked into the kitchen, and I stumbled (half-asleep already) past her into the bathroom.

She didn't see or hear me walk by. This was not intentional on my part, it just worked out that way.

I was standing in front of the sink when my wife walked by. She saw me out of the corner of her eye and yelped in fear. A terrified shout was the last thing I was expecting. I nearly swallowed my toothbrush.

Once the initial "Oh, it's just *you*!" stuff had passed, we got to the good part. "I thought you were in bed already, and then I walked by here and saw this big white thing..."

We need to pause here briefly. This is the part where my non-Caucasian friends are weeping with laughter. As a public service, let's let them catch their breath.

[pause]

All better now? I know, the jokes write themselves at this point... How could you tell I was even wearing a white shirt, I'm nerdy in the extreme (whiter than sour cream), and so on.

We're considering some extreme measures to make sure this doesn't happen again. I'm going to paint my upper body mauve and wear a bell around my neck when I'm at home.

Also, from now on, every toothbrush I own will have soft bristles. Just in case.

A Little Dyslexic

I admit it. From time to time, I am a little dyslexic. Usually it only happens when I'm very tired or in too much of a hurry. I'll give you two examples.

Recent

A friend of mine got a new car this week. It's a Pontiac G6, and it's pretty sweet from what I hear (I haven't seen the car personally).

A web link was provided, because we are all such nerds. The link shows a pic of the car, with details that appear when you mouse over the strategically placed plus signs (+).

I moused over the plus sign that was directly under the car. The text that appeared said "Full Function Traction Control".

Unfortunately, my brain saw "Full Frontal", and I freaked out and stopped reading at that point.

When somebody says a new car is "flashy"... they aren't kidding.

Past

A few years ago, I was walking through the break room at my old job. I was in quite a hurry.

I passed by some boxes that said "Regal Forks" on the side. The boxes were full of plastic forks.

Unfortunately, I didn't see the word "Regal". I saw the word "Rectal".

Ever see somebody do such a sudden double-take that they nearly fall over? That was me, that day.

I'm pretty sure there's not a valid medical use for such an item.

Football Dork

Just a friendly reminder to do that Photoshop Jeff thing. It's important. And anybody can do it... remember, photographic perfection is not the goal here (although some of you *are* capable of it). Comedy is the goal. With that in mind, I'm giving you a small preview.

This one is my creation. Obviously the work of a Photo-editing amature. :) But hopefully amusing.

By the way, those of you who have already sent in a pic... THANK YOU! They are awesome so far, I can't wait to show them off!

So do that Halloween Photoshop Jeff thing! For the kids. ;)

Some Ornaments You Can't Refuse

As you know, it's October now. This means that if you happen to be a retail store, and you don't already have your Christmas decorations out, you are wrong.

With that in mind, here are a couple of ornaments my wife and I saw last weekend that amused us.

First up is a lump of joy that would make Don Corleone proud.



I just don't understand how a severed horse head can become part of the festive holiday decor. Granted, I'm not a horse guy... but... wouldn't horse people tend to prefer intact representations of their one true passion? This poor guy looks like some sort of twisted garnish tray.

And then there's the Ghostly Translucent Undead Santa Army.



I know the green jingle-bell "hat" is supposed to be jolly. But it really looks more like foliage to me.

With the right lighting, these guys could work for Halloween *or* Christmas. Just insert some red or blue lights (don't ask where) and you've got festive. Then, with the clever use of Muted Orange or Black Light, you've got an unholy denizen of the sixth circle.

Ho ho ho.

Stories From My Past: The Nose Knows

I was reminded of this story yesterday. One year in high school, I took a "Competitive Speech and Debate" class. For the most part, I was an average student. But there was one event that really captured my imagination: The Dramatic Duet.

OK, I'll grant you... part of the reason it captivated me is that I was teamed up with a classroom cutie. But that was only part of it. I really liked our cheesy little act.

Our act, specifically, was the big death scene at the end of Cyrano De Bergerac. Cyrano, for those who don't know, is a classic French play about unrequited love, starring a guy with a crazy-big nose. Steve Martin made a movie along the same lines called Roxanne.

It's a comedy, but in the original play Cyrano does die at the end. This was our big scene. I'd prance around, sword fighting ghosts in a delusional haze, then I'd collapse on the ground and die with my head cradled in the classroom cutie's arms. Not a bad gig.

We were pretty good. When the speech and debate team would go out for competitions, we'd put it to the test. And always, for one bizarre reason or another, we'd fail.

One time it was because we had about 12 square feet of "stage" to work with. We did our best, but the teary-eyed farewell was more or less performed under the judge's table. He docked us big points for not being able to see the finale.

The "best" one was The Idiot. He asked us, "What are you performing?" "Cyrano De Bergerac," I replied. "What?" I repeated my answer. "Huh?" he said, still in a fog. I repeated again, slowly. "Oh!" he said, acting like he understood. "Go ahead, then."

He didn't understand.

Everybody in the room told us that we were the best that day. Everybody except The Idiot. His comment sheet more or less said, "I didn't get it." He'd written down the play's name as Serano Bereshneck.

I was crushed. We were the best, and we never won anything for it.

I guess The Idiot thought it was some kind of Russian epic. Even if he didn't know the play, I don't know why he couldn't figure out a death scene. I still despise him a little for that, even now.

Poor me. ;)

Tough Love vs. Spanking

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Note: I've been boring lately, so I've got nothing to talk about. Sorry... I'll try to do better tomorrow.

Two folks have already given me Photoshop Jeff pics. Keep them coming!

This little random nugget of joy came from an email forward. I hope you like it...
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Tough Love vs. Spanking
(a psychological conundrum)

Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Sincerely,
A Friend

Photoshop Jeff, Halloween Edition

It's been a while since the last Photoshop Jeff experience. Time to stir the waters again, methinks.

The theme is Halloween. Put me in a costume, ravage me with a monster, cover me in teepee, whatever. Click the picture on the right for a bigger version to play with.

I'll probably reveal the photos I get as I get them, but I'll put up one big post in a couple of weeks to show them all off together.

Here are the previous Photoshop Jeff collections, in case you need inspiration. :)

Photoshop Jeff 1
Photoshop Jeff 2
Photoshop Jeff 3

Plague Of Frogs

Road construction continues on schedule at the intersection just south of my apartments (see, Tulsa?!? It CAN be done!). There is one unforseen consequence of the road work, however. The Stubborn Pavement Toads.

The Stubborn Pavement Toad (Verticalis Notsomuchus) is an odd creature. He likes to sit on paved surfaces. He is native to my intersection, and he only shows himself after dark. His skin is coated in a thick layer of apathy. He will stubbornly refuse to move, even when nudged from behind.

In fact, the only known way to relocate the Stubborn Pavement Toad is to completely obliterate his chosen habitat. Massive road construction, for example.

Verticalis Notsomuchus is now native to the sidewalk just in front of my apartment. As my wife and I walk by, he stares at us in a "I- probably- won't- jump- out- at- you- but- maybe- just- maybe- I- will" sort of way. It's kinda creepy.

Some of you may wonder why I so readily assume that the Stubborn Pavement Toad on my sidewalk is a result of the nearby road construction. Well, I doubt if it was climate change. It seems unlikely that he was refered to the spot by a real estate agent. His wife didn't kick him out of their asphalt lily pad, either. I know, because sometimes we see her out there with him, ribbit'ing sweet romantic nothings to him in the moonlight.

I think you'll agree that road construction is the only logical explanation.

I hope he moves back home when the road work is over.