Space Invaders

It had to happen eventually. I've been invaded! Space Invaders have come to take me away...



Yes, that is my office wall. My tack board is on the right and my computer monitors are bottom left.

I got the idea from ThinkGeek. They have this nifty kit you can buy. I considered it briefly, but then I saw the price. $40. They want 40 bucks for something that took me 20 minutes to make.

I'm thinkin' about selling my "kit" for $35. After all, competition between two service providers ultimately benefits the consumer.

What do you consumers think? ;)

Where's Your Horse, Will? (Psuedo-Celeb)

OK, I know all of these are at least a little bit weird. But even so, I never expected to see Wilford Brimley in a convertable.

The guy looked like Willy on Slim-Fast, rippin' down the streets of Tulsa in a top-down chic magnet.

Never once during this experience was diabetis medication mentioned. Thank goodness. That could have been awkward.

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History of sightings:

John Ratzenberger. John Belushi. Charlie Chaplin. Sammy Davis Jr. Sherlock Holmes. Carol O'Conner. Charles Barkley. Hurley.

Al Sharpton, Hurley (again), Santa. Drew Barrymore, John Cleese, Richard Simmons, Amanda Plummer, Jack Black. Rainn Wilson. Cousin Itt, Corpse Bride. Samuel L. Jackson, Dick Cheney. Emma Thompson.

Ow! Library.

My wife and I recently went to the Owasso Public Library.

The first amusing thing I noticed was in the audio section. They had little markers to tell you what part of the alphabet you were in. I was greatly amused by the label that read, "Q - SPO".

Queen Spoo, anybody? ;)

The books in the Tulsa County Library system all have little stickers on the spines with a 2-letter abbreviation to tell you which specific library they came from. Every book in the Owasso library says "OW" on the spine.

The poor books are obviously in great pain.

Geezer Power

Check out this headline (and the story, if you are so inclined):

"Geezer Power: Older Men + Younger Women = Longer Lifespan"

As soon as I saw this headline, I knew I had a winner. I printed out the article and put it on my desk, in anticipation of Lightyear's next visit.

Regular readers will remember Lightyear. He's 60, he's loud, he's opinionated, and he's got a special kind of combative relationship with his wife that he always loves to talk about.

Late last week, Lightyear came by to chat. We handed him the printout and said, "You can tell your wife that if she was young and beautiful, you'd live longer."

There was no doubt that he would take us up on this.

Fast forward to yesterday (Monday). Lightyear stopped by to chat again. "Jeff," he exclaimed at great volume, "I just want you to know I showed that 'Geezer Power' article to my wife. I told her, 'You're killin' me! If I had a young beautiful wife, I'd live longer!' And do you know what she said to me?"

I was barely able to speak from laughing so hard. "What did she say to you?"

Lightyear mimicked his wife's scowl and hissed: "You've lived long enough."

I'm sure glad my wife doesn't have that opinion of *my* lifespan.

New Phones

Last weekend, my wife and I got nifty new MotoRAZR v3m phones.

Yeah, I know. These things were new and noteworthy a couple of years ago. This is just the way I roll.

My wife's mom called us shortly after the purchase. My wife happily told her about our new toys. Her mom responded with, "Oh!, and did you change your phone number, too?"

My wife sweetly replied, "Well, you *did* just call us, right?"

I nearly choked, I was laughing so hard. Who knew a new cell phone would be that much fun?

Happy Friday

It just occured to me that I don't have a story for today. Er... sorry about that.

Here. Enjoy this short guitar video instead.

Happy Friday!

A Girl Can Dream, Right?

My wife got these in an email from a friend. The subject was "A Girl Can Dream, Right?"

Personally, my favorite is the first one because I like to cook, too. My wife tells me that the last one is her favorite. I told her not to get her hopes up.

I've included the captions under each pic.

===========================


I made some Niman Ranch lamb terderloin with garlic, black pepper, and Indonesian soy sauce for dinner. I hope that sounds OK.



Don't want anyone "falling in" in the middle of the night.



I know. Let's take you shoe shopping!



Ooh, look, the NFL playoffs are today. I bet we'll have no trouble parking at the crafts fair.

Microsoft Event

Yesterday I got to go to a Microsoft Event. This is more or less a big commercial for the latest and greatest Microsoft stuff. They figure if they can talk us developers into making cool stuff with their new toys, then the general market will follow.

The presentation was 4 hours long. It was held in a theater at the AMC 20 in Tulsa. Farmer, Big Dawg and I got to go. Even better, we hooked up with Metacow and P-Ziddy! Big Dawg and I used to work with P-Ziddy and Metacow, so it was a nice reunion.

The presenter for our brainwashing / informational session was a bit of a dork. He was a cross between a bad comedian, a zealot, and an auctioneer. I kept expecting his heart to explode from all the caffeine he had 1) obviously already consumed, and 2) was constantly drinking.

He only had about 6 jokes, but he kept repeating them as if he thought they were still funny. They wern't all that good to start with. A few samples:

"... with these stupid things... and I mean stupid in the nicest sense of the word..."

"... this code is bangin' up against the database..."

"... and you can see this worked, birds are singing, kids are playing..."

"... I think I'm being visited by the Dark Angel Of Demo's."

I must admit, the only truely annoying part of his presentation had to do with "LINQ" and a variable in his sample code that he swore was not a "varient" data-type (don't worry if you don't know what that means).

I dunno. It sure looked like a varient to me. He loudly insisted that it was not. The reason that it was not a varient, according to him, was that it just simply wasn't a varient. See? Simple.

He talked about LINQ so long that I was wondering if Zelda would make an appearance. Alas, 'twas not to be.

Near the end, the acronym "POX" (Plain Old XML) came up on one of his slides. He asked if any of us knew what POX was. I quipped, "Yeah, I had a bad case of that when I was 4."

P-Ziddy and Big Dawg were the only ones who heard me. However, *lots* of people heard their snorting, gasping laughter.

Microsoft presenters must hate me. :)

I Love Owasso Road Crews

This is what the intersection just south of my apartment looked like last night.



I say "looked like", because I'm pretty sure it'll look different by the time I get home tonight. These guys start a project, and they finish it in (relatively) short order. It's a nice opposite to the Tulsa and Stillwater road crews we know and love. Those guys start with the goal of making sure their grand kids will be able to find steady work one day on that same project.

The downer is that I can't drive through that intersection on my way to work. The roundabout way I have to go now adds 10 minutes to my commute both ways. Not a big deal, certainly, just a mild annoyance.

It's much less annoying than the roads in Downtown Tulsa, which are slowly but surely turning to gravel and dirt under the loving supervision of ODOT. They seem to want to provide a soft place for the bridges to eventually collapse onto. It makes me wonder what exactly ODOT stands for... my money's on Ominous Death Of Transit.

Saturday At The Zoo

Saturday was a wonderful day to go to the zoo. The temperature was in the mid-70's with a light north breeze. The sun was shining, but not overwhelming. The animals were mostly out of their dens and wandering around.

We took Scruffy with us. Scruffy, as you may remember, doesn't like cold temperatures. He brought a jacket.

Our noses told us that we were near the Bison before our eyes did, of course. Not even the Elephant's by-product is quite that pungent. A young family was headed off to the next exhibit. As they left, a little girl (age 4-ish) turned, waved, and shouted, "Bye, Hairy Things!".

I am almost certain she was talking to the Bison. Granted, I didn't shave that morning...

After we'd been there a few hours, I saw a truly bizarre sight. Near the African Penguin exhibit, there was a kid (aged 10-12) dressed up like Elvis.

Lemmie give that thought a moment to marinate in your head. A kid, relatively short. At the zoo. Dressed, head to toe, like The King.

I was all shook up. There was no costume contest that I was aware of. Nobody else was dressed up. The kid disappeared around a corner before I could snap a picture. The only reason I'm sure I wasn't hallucinating is that my wife saw him too.

The day wound down and the temperature dropped closer to 70, so we had to take Scruffy home before his teeth started to chatter. It was a fun day, even if we did take a few of the more interesting odors home with us.

Funny Pictures

Golieth's Toilet

This is just crazy. P-Ziddy saw this while shopping at a home-improvement store. The one on the right is normal sized.



I gotta be honest... I know some large people. I can't think of a single one of them who wouldn't be swallowed up by this thing.



It's like looking up at your grandad's *HUGE* recliner. When you're 6.


Me First!




Mandarin Airlines

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking. Firstly, I'd like to thank you for choosing to fly Mandarin Airlines. As we taxi out to the runway please make yourself comfortable... and for those of you sitting on the right side of the plane... please look to your left.




Timotei Natural Style




The Queen Of All Blondes

I See, In Your Future, A Pseudo-Celebrity

It's not quite fair to call this an Emma Thompson sighting. What I saw during lunch yesterday, in (almost) all her glory, was Professor Sybil Trelawney from the Harry Potter movies.

She had Sybil's expansive hair, angular face, slight frown, and forward-leaning lurch/walk. The only bits she was missing were the over sized glasses and the scarf in her hair.

I'm also pretty sure she couldn't see the future. If she could see the future, she likely would have starting punching me in the face while shouting "Don't write about me! I have lawyers!"

Thank goodness for that bit of luck.

=====================

History of sightings:

John Ratzenberger. John Belushi. Charlie Chaplin. Sammy Davis Jr. Sherlock Holmes. Carol O'Conner. Charles Barkley.

Hurley. Al Sharpton, Hurley (again), Santa. Drew Barrymore, John Cleese, Richard Simmons, Amanda Plummer, Jack Black. Rainn Wilson. Cousin Itt, Corpse Bride. Samuel L. Jackson, Dick Cheney.

Love Nest?

OK, this is kind of a weird one. We have new neighbors on the second floor, sharing the north wall of our apartment with us. The new folks (who I now think of as "Hot" and "To Trot") are apparently very happy with each other.

They took some small L-shaped "rocker" type chairs, and put them on their back porch / balcony. They used those chairs to more or less build a wall that they could sit behind. The only way you can clearly see what goes on behind that wall is if you are in our apartment.



That's right, they built a little private love nest that my wife and I can see right into. Apparently they gave my wife a bit of a show Monday afternoon.

I hope they do it again sometime when I'm home. I intend to boldly march out onto my balcony with camera in hand. Then, in a nice loud voice I'll shout, "Smiles, everyone! This is going on youtube!"

That should make an impression. :)

Calculator

Yesterday while I was sitting at my desk, a young lady came by our office. She stopped at my desk, and asked if I had a calculator.

"Well," I said, and pointed at my computer, "I'm sitting in front of one."

She laughed, with a disappointed "I-was-afraid-of-that" look on her face. "I was hoping you'd have a spare hand-held one I could borrow."

From behind the nearby cubical wall arose the voice of the Farmer. "We don't deal in antiques."

After she left, it occurred to me that I do in fact have a hand-held calculator. It's just that it's also my phone. She can't borrow it.

Bonus Story: A Spanish Week

I have a widget on my Google homepage that shows me the "Spanish Word Of The Day." Check this out.

The word was "a principios de", which means "at the beginning of".

The Spanish example sentence was: Llegaremos a principios de marzo y nos quedaremos 15 días.

Please note that bit at the end. "días" is "days". The phrase ends with "15 days".

Now check out the English translation: We'll arrive at the beginning of March and stay for two weeks.

15 days = 2 weeks? That would mean that a Spanish week is 7 and a half days? They must be counting the siestas as extra. :)

Luncheon

Friday we had a bittersweet luncheon with current and former co-workers. We celebrated Boss Lady's birthday, and said farewell to Boy Wonder.

The Saint made cheesecake for us, which she brought to the restaurant. Let it be known that I hate cheesecake. Let it also be known that the Saint's cheesecake was wonderful. It was good enough to sway a hater like me, and it was good enough to attract stragglers. Lemmie 'splain...

As the Saint was cutting into the cheesecake, four older ladies from a nearby table got up to leave. The first one walked right up to the Saint.

"Oh, that looks *so* good! Where is this on the menu?"

Smiling sweetly, the Saint replied, "It isn't. I made this." "Oh!" came Lady1's reply. "What's the occasion?"

"It's her birthday," said the Saint, pointing at Boss Lady. Then she indicated Boy Wonder, saying, "... and we have to say goodbye to him."

"Well, that cheesecake just looks *so* good!", Lady1 proclaimed. As she moved on, Lady2 stepped up. "Oh, that looks *so* good! Where is this on the menu?"

There was a slight pause before the Saint replied. The words, "Didn't you hear me just then?" were non-verbal but loud and clear as she said, "Er... It isn't. I made this."

"Oh! What's the occasion?"

Glances were exchanged 'round the table. "It's her birthday, and we have to say goodbye to him." "Well, that cheesecake just looks *so* good!", and Lady2 moved out of the way.

Lady3 stepped up to the batter's box. "Oh, that looks *so* good! Where is this on the menu?"

By this point, the Saint looked like she was seriously considering another use for the cake knife. She was still smiling, but her teeth never unclenched as she growled, "It. Isn't. *I*. Made. This."

"Oh! What's the occasion?"

I'm still not sure how Lady3 managed to not be killed. As she left, Lady4 staggered up, and it all started over yet again. However, as soon as Boss Lady's birthday was mentioned, Lady4 lit up (more than she already was).

"Oh!", she shouted. "I *like* birthdays! I should be friends with you!"

"Sure," somebody chuckled. "Just pull up a chair, and..."

"I will!" she joyously shouted. Without a second's thought, she hopped into an empty chair right next to me. "I'm Anita!"

"Anita, we're leaving!", her friends yelled. With a mighty laugh and a joyful, "I'll see you later, my new friends!", she slapped me on the back and left. There was a pause before anybody spoke.

"Who was that?"

Powerama had the answer. "That was our new friend, 'Anita 'nuther Mint Julep'."

Ah, Anita. We miss you already!

Boy Wonder, we miss you already also. You bum. :(

Super Silly

Yesterday rocked. You may remember, from my previous blog story, that I got put through the ringer on Wednesday. Yesterday, *I* was the one who got to shout "fire!" and watch people panic. It was a nice switch.

Plus, the 2007 NFL season started last night! Football's BACK! It felt nice to watch a game again.

So, in honor of the good day yesterday and the lazy evening last night... er... I got nothin'. Sorry about that.

This is from an email forward. It's really silly and a bit short (pun intended), but it's better than nothing. Enjoy!

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My Morning

I rear ended a car this morning...I tell you, it is going to be a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!" So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started...

Chain Of Events

Yesterday afternoon, my co-workers shared a mighty laugh at my expense. I figure, you might as well also.

Unfortunate Event #1
It all started with Gentleman Caller "Primera". Primera called because he was having trouble previewing changes on our web site. The changes involved over 100 Megabytes of music and video files, which I manually copied to our test site. That was when I learned that Primera was "previewing" on the live site. At this point, there really should have been a small lecture on the meaning of the word "Preview", but I just didn't have it in me. I got to manually copy the 100 Megabytes of goodies again, this time to the live site.

Total Call Time: at least a half hour

Unfortunate Event #2
Gentleman Caller "Segundas" called within seconds of me hanging up from Primera's adventure. Segundas was trying to figure out a tricky network issue that is affecting a web page I made. The fun part was in trying to explain the issue to him. Segundas would say, "So what you're saying is, when you [do this, do that], then [boom]." And I'd say, "No, what I said was that [step one, step two], then [boom]." This would be followed by, "Oh... so what you're saying is...". And again I'd say, "No, what I *said* was...". This pattern never really changed.

Total Call Time: 20 minutes or so

Brief Sidebar
Within a few minutes, my phone rang again. I didn't answer it. As soon as it stopped, Farmer's phone started ringing. Farmer picked up. "Yeah, Jeff's here, he's just ignoring his phone. He'll pick up this time." As my phone started to ring again, Farmer told me, "It's Tercius."

This time I picked up. Tercius said hi, and I said, "How do you like my caller ID?" The response was gales of laughter, from Farmer and from Tercius. This leads to...

Unfortunate Event #3
Gentleman Caller "Tercius", obviously, had a crisis that only I could solve. The problem would involve way too many technical details to outline here. Suffice to say, it was an aggravating challenge, and I wasn't really in the mood for one of those. Tercius, at least, was sympathetic to my plight.

Total Call Time: 20 minutes or so

Another Brief Sidebar
At this point, I turned to Farmer and Big Dawg, pointed dramatically at my office phone and announced, "I will not answer this phone again today." The echos of my statement had not even begun to die away when my cell phone started to ring.

Unfortunate Event #4
My cell phone's caller ID told me it was Gentleman Caller "Cuartos". Cuartos, a recent former employee, had a reputation of dropping annoying projects on us unexpectedly. To get a call from him was often not considered to be a good thing. I'm on friendly terms with Cuartos, but I was not in a friendly mood.

I wept loudly and openly. I can't really sanitize and summarize the call, because I was pretty manic by that point. The Golfer came out of his office to see what the laughing and wailing was all about. Almost in tears, Big Dawg pointed at me and proclaimed, "Cuartos just called him!"

Cuartos' reputation is mighty. We nearly lost the Golfer to an intense bout of laughter. Heck, for that matter, we nearly lost *me* to an intense bout of despair. I wound up collapsed in a heap on the floor, without the will to move.

Total Call Time: 10 minutes or so

Well, that's my story. I could have just said "Phones Stink", but that wouldn't have been as fun. :)

Personalized M&M's

I absolutely love this... there's a feature on the M&M's site that lets you customize M&M's for yourself.

You can have two colors and two messages. I picked purple and red (obviously). Then I typed in "Logic Is Hard" and "Massive Gas" (*ahem* no reason), and seriously toyed around with the idea of buying a bag before I came to my senses.

Now, in theory, when someone Googles "Massive Gas", they'll find my humble little site. This amuses me for absolutely no mature reason.

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On a personal note, about 90-95% of the callous that I mentioned here is gone from my right foot. But, in a bizarre trade-off, Big Dawg has managed to smash his big toe. I've passed on my limp to another. Nurture it well, Big Dawg.

Kid Stories

I talked to my dad over the weekend. He told me that my niece (5) and nephew (7) are back in school again. The kids generally get sent to school with a couple of dollars in quarters. Which brings me to:

What niece does (reluctantly) with her quarters

Niece was asked how her day was. She said, "I got ice cream." "Really? That's great!" "Yeah," she glumly replied, "but then the teacher took some of *my* money."

Niece is a little too acclimated to Gramma's kitchen, where the ice cream is free. Having to pay for it honked her off pretty bad.

What nephew does (secretly) with his quarters

Nephew came home from school and hadn't eaten his lunch. The second day, the same thing happened. After the third day (again, with his sack lunch untouched), he came home and announced, "I need more quarters for the vending machines."

Ah, pop and chips. Lunch of champions. :)